Step Daughters

mystakilla

Question for you all out there that might have/had step daughters involved in the wedding.  I am getting married for the first time, his second.  His daughters are grown, 21 and 22 now, a year older when we wed.  We are not having attendants and we are keeping the affair small-ish (about 88 guests being invited).  His girls don't currently live near us and we rarely seem them - maybe once every few months due to the distance and their work schedules.  We finally announced a date to them and they don't seem enthused at all.  I know it is a year off, but I would have thought they might be somewhat excited for their dad at least.  We will include them by having them at a family table and likely some kind of flowers to wear and I will probably ask if they want to go and look at gowns when that happens, but I am just not sure if there is something else I can do to try to include them or do any of you have suggestions on how to get through to them at all?  I dont have kids of my own so that does not help from a "relating" perspective... Let me know what you all think.  THANKS!

right1thistime

I would recommend you decide if you want them as attendants or not.  Don't do it halfway- as in asking them to wear gowns, or giving them jobs, but not having them stand with you.   If you have them as bridesmaids, then you could pick a color & designer & let them pick their own dresses from a store near them. 

If you don't have them as attendants, its fine to get them flowers to wear (ask if they prefer a wristlet or corsage).  But they dress how they want. 

To get to know them, do what you'd do with any other adult woman.  Go to lunch, or supper together.  Have a pleasant conversation, and just get to know them.

I know you weren't planning on doing this, but this is where the family ceremonies irk me.  No public 5 minute display makes 2 disparate families one.  Time, attention and effort make it happen.  Be a friend first, you'll grow into the stepmom role.  ~Donna

mystakilla

Thanks for the advice Donna -  We are definitely not having attendants of any kind, the flowers were the best offering we have for them as our parents and my grandmother will be wearing them too.  I will offer to see which they prefer.  We might go so far as to offer to pay for their outfits for the wedding too, neither of them have the greatest of jobs.  They keep to themselves pretty much, even their father has a hard time getting through to them.  I will reach out more, only thing I can do for now.  I agree with you on the family ceremonies for sure.

MikesAngie

Since they are adults and have limited contact with you ask them their opinions on all things that would involve them.  I would start by asking if they are planning on attending the wedding (don't make that assumption), if that is a yes then go from there. 

My DSD is now twenty was just days away from turning 18 and was very enthused about our getting married - but our situation and hers were very different.  We did include her in the decisions that impacted her directly though. 

I also agree with Donna about family ceremonies.  The only thing we did and it was something the DH wanted was the sand ceremony - but the narration that went with it talked about how our lives by virtue of time spent would be akin to the grains of sand. 

So talk with them and find out what their thoughts are. 

Sue-n-Kevin

You've been given very good advice. It is hard blending families, but generally more so when the kids are smaller. In this case you inherit adult step daughters who are less than enthused. As adults, they are entitled to their opinions, just tread cautiously. It sounds like you are.