They're celebrating anniversary before our wedding... Is it me or?

SnowWhiteMontreal

FMIL and FFIL have gotten married 33 years ago on September 6th. When we have decided to get married on September 7th, we didn't think about this and later, when they reminded us we were like "Ok well, I guess they'll have dinner together on that night and that is perfectly fine!"

We are having a wedding in Las Vegas. We have a about 20 guests coming. FMIL is all over herself and wants to be the center of the attention all the time (for example, the dress she'll be wearing at the wedding is a long electric blue dress... Not a "normal" blue, *electric* blue). When we told her we were getting married in Las Vegas, she seriously said, at a family dinner, that it would be a great idea to renew their vows there! Fortunately, FI's uncle was there and told her "First, you don't renew your vows on a 33rd anniversary. and also, why trying to steal the spotlight of your son who's getting married the day after?". She shut up and swallowed.

But recently her and FFIL have still decided to do something special. They are going to have dinner and have decided to invite most of the wedding guests! Last weekend, they saw my dad and his girlfriend and they invited them. My dad thought it was super rude saying "We're going to Vegas to celebrate you, not them. What is her problem? Can't she just have an intimate dinner with her husband?" and I replied "No, she can't".

What also makes me feel miserable is that FI's parents have much more money than we do. It's ok, they do whatever they want with their money especially if they want to celebrate and stay at a nicer hotel than ours but I know that just their anniversary dinner will be more classy than our wedding reception. If you know Las Vegas a little, they have decided to have their dinner at Maggiano's while we're having our reception at Le Village Buffet. It's not that I'm jealous of their money (although, if you have read another thread I wrote I'm pissed at the fact they told us they would help us with the wedding cost and they haven't while they pay the trip and all expenses for my FI's brother who's soon turning 27) but I sure don't want to feel like their anniversary dinner is more special than our wedding when the whole purpose of going to Vegas is our wedding.

FI and I aren't very please with their decision to have a big celebration the day before our wedding. My dad and his girlfriend told FI's parents they won't join them because they have other plans planned but we don't know what to do... My MOH is arriving that day so I told FMIL I wasn't sure I could attend because I want to welcome my friend and spend some time with her before the big day because she needs to know a few things to assist me during the wedding. I just let a door open to see her reaction and just by saying this FMIL started to sulk. FI doesn't want to go either.

FI doesn't want me to tell his parents the truth. He says it will cause drama for absolutely nothing. He says we better just find a reason (like my friend arriving) as it will cause less drama.

Is it me or it's rude from them? What would you do? I don't want to not attend and then having her complain about this all day the day after and I don't want to go as I don't want to feel my wedding is less special than just her anniversary dinner (and I don't want her to steal our spotlight). We are already having plans with them on the Thursday, before the bachelor's and bachelorette parties.

Thanks for your input!

Maggie0829

Rock - you- hardplace.

Like you said they can do whatever they want and you only get one day but I think what they are planning is ridiculous and rude to you and their son.  I wouldn't want to attend either, but I can see how not attending could cause some drama.  I would let them plan whatever they want to plan and just let them know (your FI can tell them not you) that unfortunatly with last minute wedding items to wrap up and close friends coming into town that you two just cannot attend their anniversary party.  Will she get mad or upset?  Probably, but like we say on here an invite does not mean that you have to accept it.  You can certainly decline with or without a reason.

I am glad that your FI is on your side with all of this and just focus on the fact that no matter what happens the day before your wedding, there is no way your FMIL can take the spotlight off of you on the day you marry the love of your life.  And if she tries then she will just look like an idiot.

MairePoppy

I just want to get this out of the way first: FMIL can wear whatever she likes to your wedding. Some people like bright, flashy colors. If she looks like an AW, it's on her, not you.

I would usually say the FILs (and other couple) have the right to celebrate their anniversary any way they want, but I think this is one of those exceptions. No one should hijack the bride and groom's wedding weekend. Really though, there is nothing you can or should do about it. Take some satisfaction in knowing that Fi's uncle told her the truth. And everyone who is invited to her anniversary party will probably have the same opinion, whether they say so or not. You should let FMIL know that you won't be attending her anniversary dinner because your wedding weekend is full of wedding related activities/ If she sulks, ignore. Don't let her get your goat. 

Is it rude of FMIL to plan an extravagant anniversary celebration the weekend of your DW? Yes, I think so. What should you do about it? Aside from telling your Fi to grow a pair, Nothing. He should tell his parents the truth, rather than worrying about ruffling Mom's feathers. 

ZeroOrchestra

I'm pretty much with Retread on this one. I can understand you feeling the way you do, but it is their anniversary and they are within their right to celebrate. Afterall, you did pick your wedding date. The way you describe your FMIL, I'm surprised you didn't see something like this coming.

SnowWhiteMontreal

RetreadBride said:

I don't think it's rude.

So she decided to wear an electric blue dress. SO WHAT.  Nobody will "steal your spotlight."  Everybody knows who the bride is. 

You will still get your wedding day.  She is simply having an anniversary party the day before.  Again, SO WHAT.

You get one day.  She is having her party on another day.  That's not being rude.

Be the bigger person.  You will still get plenty of attention and plenty of admiration and love and "oh, doesn't she look pretty!" the next day.

These are your future in-laws, and the parents of your husband.  They have been married for THIRTY-THREE YEARS. 

Be a big girl, be gracious, be happy for them, and smile.  Nobody is taking ANYTHING away from you.

So you're telling me if your FIL had planned anything like that before your wedding you would have been all smile and happy? Well, I do guess you are a bigger girl than I am because I find it rude. Like I said, if they had decided to have a little something to celebrate, I would have totally understood. They're throwing a celebration! Maybe I should have mentionned than since I have been with FI (over 5 years) they have never done anything special besides a dinner for the two of them for their anniversary and going to Europe for their 30th? Why doing special this year? Because it's in Vegas? But thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

 

ZeroOrchestra said:

I'm pretty much with Retread on this one. I can understand you feeling the way you do, but it is their anniversary and they are within their right to celebrate. Afterall, you did pick your wedding date. The way you describe your FMIL, I'm surprised you didn't see something like this coming.

Yeah. I guess I should have seen it coming but I never dared to think she would decide to do such a celebration. Like I just told @RetreadBride it's not the fact they are doing something special, and I ever stated that in my original post. It's the fact they have decided to throw a big thing when they have never did such a thing. Thanks for your answer!

MairePoppy & Maggie0829 : Thanks for your answers!

bethsmiles

I agree with retread - I don't think they are being rude. I mean you picked that date and you know your FMIL is an AW so I think you should have seen this coming. You get one day (now a whole weekend). Your FMIL and FFIL have every right to celebrate their anniversary the way they want.

But it is the night before your wedding so you are perfectly within your right to say that you will not be attending because you have other obligations/things you want to do that day.

And BTW - no one will be comparing their anniversary celebration to your wedding.

ZeroOrchestra

We had a DW in a fun location also. This means that people might want to do things they might not normally. Your FILs see having a big anniversary dinner in Vegas as something they would like to do. It's just a dinner at a nice restaurant which will be completely different from your wedding, I just looked up both places, so PP is right. No one will be comparing, and that is a good thing.

Decline attending their dinner and prepare for your own celebration.

AddieCake

I'd be annoyed by this, too. However, there's not a lot you can do b/c as PPs stated, it's just dinner. I wouldn't go, though, if you don't want to. And I would just tell her you have things to prepare for the next day and don't feel you have time to commit to a big family dinner. 

MairePoppy

@SnowWhiteMontreal - Take advantage of the fact that FMIL's busy the night before your wedding and do your own thing. The bottom line is that your wedding will be the focus of the weekend and the reason the guests made the trip to Vegas. 

zitiqueen

SnowWhiteMontreal said:

FMIL and FFIL have gotten married 33 years ago on September 6th. When we have decided to get married on September 7th, we didn't think about this and later, when they reminded us we were like "Ok well, I guess they'll have dinner together on that night and that is perfectly fine!"

We are having a wedding in Las Vegas. We have a about 20 guests coming. FMIL is all over herself and wants to be the center of the attention all the time (for example, the dress she'll be wearing at the wedding is a long electric blue dress... Not a "normal" blue, *electric* blue). When we told her we were getting married in Las Vegas, she seriously said, at a family dinner, that it would be a great idea to renew their vows there! Fortunately, FI's uncle was there and told her "First, you don't renew your vows on a 33rd anniversary. and also, why trying to steal the spotlight of your son who's getting married the day after?". She shut up and swallowed.

But recently her and FFIL have still decided to do something special. They are going to have dinner and have decided to invite most of the wedding guests! Last weekend, they saw my dad and his girlfriend and they invited them. My dad thought it was super rude saying "We're going to Vegas to celebrate you, not them. What is her problem? Can't she just have an intimate dinner with her husband?" and I replied "No, she can't".

What also makes me feel miserable is that FI's parents have much more money than we do. It's ok, they do whatever they want with their money especially if they want to celebrate and stay at a nicer hotel than ours but I know that just their anniversary dinner will be more classy than our wedding reception. If you know Las Vegas a little, they have decided to have their dinner at Maggiano's while we're having our reception at Le Village Buffet. It's not that I'm jealous of their money (although, if you have read another thread I wrote I'm pissed at the fact they told us they would help us with the wedding cost and they haven't while they pay the trip and all expenses for my FI's brother who's soon turning 27) but I sure don't want to feel like their anniversary dinner is more special than our wedding when the whole purpose of going to Vegas is our wedding.

FI and I aren't very please with their decision to have a big celebration the day before our wedding. My dad and his girlfriend told FI's parents they won't join them because they have other plans planned but we don't know what to do... My MOH is arriving that day so I told FMIL I wasn't sure I could attend because I want to welcome my friend and spend some time with her before the big day because she needs to know a few things to assist me during the wedding. I just let a door open to see her reaction and just by saying this FMIL started to sulk. FI doesn't want to go either.

FI doesn't want me to tell his parents the truth. He says it will cause drama for absolutely nothing. He says we better just find a reason (like my friend arriving) as it will cause less drama.

Is it me or it's rude from them? What would you do? I don't want to not attend and then having her complain about this all day the day after and I don't want to go as I don't want to feel my wedding is less special than just her anniversary dinner (and I don't want her to steal our spotlight). We are already having plans with them on the Thursday, before the bachelor's and bachelorette parties.

Thanks for your input!

Listen to your FI.

bethsmiles

I'll back up @RetreadBride here - I would be super happy to celebrate my FILs' wedding anniversary with them even if it was the night before my wedding. 33 years is a long time to be married and why wouldn't I want to be a part of a celebration of that much love and commitment, especially since the two people you are celebrating raised the man you want to marry. It's two days of celebrating love - what the hell is wrong with that?

So what if they haven't done anything big in the past? They probably figure that since they are spending all that money to go to your destination wedding they might as well celebrate their anniversary with friends/family they might not have the chance to otherwise.

You are being a brat and if continue to have this attitude you are going to hurt your relationship with your FI's parents. Like I said before, you don't have to go but an attitude adjustment is seriously needed.

SnowWhiteMontreal

bethsmiles said:

I'll back up @RetreadBride here - I would be super happy to celebrate my FILs' wedding anniversary with them even if it was the night before my wedding. 33 years is a long time to be married and why wouldn't I want to be a part of a celebration of that much love and commitment, especially since the two people you are celebrating raised the man you want to marry. It's two days of celebrating love - what the hell is wrong with that?

So what if they haven't done anything big in the past? They probably figure that since they are spending all that money to go to your destination wedding they might as well celebrate their anniversary with friends/family they might not have the chance to otherwise.

You are being a brat and if continue to have this attitude you are going to hurt your relationship with your FI's parents. Like I said before, you don't have to go but an attitude adjustment is seriously needed.

What the...?! What do you know about my attitude with them? It's not because I express my feelings here that I'm being a bitch with them. I know how to behave and show respect even though I don't agree with their choice. You don't find it rude, then good for you and it's your right. You answered my question! And thanks for taking the time to do so. But there was no need to imply anything else.

I was just asking this to know if it was me or not. Seems like some say yes it's me (like you) and some others say no. It's fine! We're all here to discuss, no?

jackman36

I agree with Maire Poppy - "No one should hijack the bride and groom's wedding weekend."  That said, you WILL have last minute things to attend to and will be too busy to worry about much else. Let your FI handle his parents on this one. 

aurianna

If you'd decided to have a rehearsal and they'd offered to host a rehearsal dinner with the same guest list in the same location, would you be upset over that?
Just curious.

I wouldn't assume they are trying to upstage you. It is their anniversary, and maybe they don't do things that big every year, but they probably don't usually have the opportunity like they do now. They're in Vegas. I don't blame them for being excited about their anniversary and it's totally awesome for them that so many people will be in town to celebrate it with them.

It's definitely wrong to think they shouldn't be allowed to celebrate with the family for their joyous event too just because the guests are in town for yours the following day.
There's definitely enough love and excitement to go around for both events!

I do think that your wedding being the next day is a get out of jail free card. If you really do not want to attend the party your FI can say something like, "Mom, we have some last minute things to do before the wedding as well as some of our own guests in town to host that night, so we'll have to miss the dinner, but I'm so excited for you guys!" then bean dip.

SnowWhiteMontreal

RetreadBride said:

You ARE being a spoiled brat. You're pouting and stomping your foot because somebody is stealing your 'tenshun fwum yew.

These people are your FMIL and FFIL.
They are your husband's father and mother.
They birthed and raised the man you are marrying.
The values they imparted to him are part of the reason why you love him so much.
They are supporting your marriage to him.
They've been together for 33 years.
     THEY could have complained "Sheeee is steeeeealing ourrr wedddding day! Sheeee will celebrate herrrrrr dayyyyy on ourrrrrr dayyyyyy for the rest of our liiiiiiives.  Nobody will care about uuuuuuusssssss anymooooooorrrrrre."  They didn't.  They are happy for you.

Give yourself a shake, grow up, get over it.

Pretend it's twenty years from now instead of today.  Will you look back on this and be proud of what you did and thought? Would you want YOUR daughter to do this? Think about it.

I'd be giving my daughter the Come To Jesus talk if she were thinking about this.

Yes, mom. Thanks for your advice. Maybe I should just have shut up and suck it up instead of writing here. Not because of what you think but because nobody here knows the context of his family. They aren't as nice as you think, @RetreadBride. But that, you don't know. First, they lied to us with the financial angle of the wedding. Second, they always have treated FI as a second class child (prefering their other son). I didn't want to go into too much personal info, but there you go it. Will that change anything in your opinion? No, I know. But still, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes, other things lie underneath the main subject. It's my fault for not having pointed that out in my original post.

SnowWhiteMontreal

I agree with Maire Poppy - "No one should hijack the bride and groom's wedding weekend."  That said, you WILL have last minute things to attend to and will be too busy to worry about much else. Let your FI handle his parents on this one. 

I'm definitely not getting involved. I thought about just telling them the truth, how I feel, but it's not worth the drama. We'll take this time to finalize the wedding stuff and go to bed early. Thanks for your answer!

SnowWhiteMontreal

aurianna said:

If you'd decided to have a rehearsal and they'd offered to host a rehearsal dinner with the same guest list in the same location, would you be upset over that?
Just curious.

I wouldn't assume they are trying to upstage you. It is their anniversary, and maybe they don't do things that big every year, but they probably don't usually have the opportunity like they do now. They're in Vegas. I don't blame them for being excited about their anniversary and it's totally awesome for them that so many people will be in town to celebrate it with them.

It's definitely wrong to think they shouldn't be allowed to celebrate with the family for their joyous event too just because the guests are in town for yours the following day.
There's definitely enough love and excitement to go around for both events!

I do think that your wedding being the next day is a get out of jail free card. If you really do not want to attend the party your FI can say something like, "Mom, we have some last minute things to do before the wedding as well as some of our own guests in town to host that night, so we'll have to miss the dinner, but I'm so excited for you guys!" then bean dip.

Seriously, I wouldn't agree on having a rehearsal dinner because we are already hosting a co-ed Bachelor/Bachelorette party where everybody's invited on the Thursday. I don't want our guest to feel they always have to be with us. Being with us on the Thursday night and all day Saturday is enough obligation, so to say. Having a rehearsal dinner would cut their time in Las Vegas and some of our guests are going for a short time only and I want them to spend time on their own and visit!

My FFIL isn't trying to upstage us, but I know FMIL is. all the world surrounds around her all the time. Whatever she asks, if we say no (even for the most very little thing), she sulks. On our engagement party she drew all the attention towards herself. We didn't say anything as FIL hosted it.

But yeah, we'll probably play the last-minute-stuff-to-do card.

Thanks for your answer!

SnowWhiteMontreal

Lobster1987 said:

If you and FI don't feel comfortable going, don't go. I'd be rather annoyed if I were you, too and I wouldn't go. You'll probably have a bunch of last minute details to wrap up and running around to do, people to meet, and prepping to do for your big day. You are going down there for your wedding, keep that as your focus.

 

Yeah, especially since MOH is arriving on that night! Like 18 hours before the wedding... I'd rather welcome her and discuss about the schedule of the wedding day.

Thanks for your answer!

wittykitty14

I would be annoyed, for sure.  Does that make me a spoiled brat?  No.  They're not being rude, just inconsiderate, at most.

Think about your reasons for wanting to not attend their dinner.  Do you not want to go because you're going to have a ton to do because your wedding is the next day?  If the answer is yes, then it seems perfectly acceptable to decline the invitation.  But if the main reason you don't want to go is because you're upset about their plans, then that sounds a bit immature.  If your motive behind declining is primarily to get back at them, then that's not a good reason to skip it.

Try not to let it bother you.  It's annoying, but it's just dinner.  Regardless of how they've acted, they're celebrating their 33rd anniversary!  Be happy for them!

 

SnowWhiteMontreal

wittykitty14 said:

I would be annoyed, for sure.  Does that make me a spoiled brat?  No.  They're not being rude, just inconsiderate, at most.

Think about your reasons for wanting to not attend their dinner.  Do you not want to go because you're going to have a ton to do because your wedding is the next day?  If the answer is yes, then it seems perfectly acceptable to decline the invitation.  But if the main reason you don't want to go is because you're upset about their plans, then that sounds a bit immature.  If your motive behind declining is primarily to get back at them, then that's not a good reason to skip it.

Try not to let it bother you.  It's annoying, but it's just dinner.  Regardless of how they've acted, they're celebrating their 33rd anniversary!  Be happy for them!

 

Very well spoken and you just proved that there's no need to be blunt to give an opinion. Thank you.

wittykitty14

SnowWhiteMontreal said:

wittykitty14 said:

I would be annoyed, for sure.  Does that make me a spoiled brat?  No.  They're not being rude, just inconsiderate, at most.

Think about your reasons for wanting to not attend their dinner.  Do you not want to go because you're going to have a ton to do because your wedding is the next day?  If the answer is yes, then it seems perfectly acceptable to decline the invitation.  But if the main reason you don't want to go is because you're upset about their plans, then that sounds a bit immature.  If your motive behind declining is primarily to get back at them, then that's not a good reason to skip it.

Try not to let it bother you.  It's annoying, but it's just dinner.  Regardless of how they've acted, they're celebrating their 33rd anniversary!  Be happy for them!

 

Very well spoken and you just proved that there's no need to be blunt to give an opinion. Thank you.

You're welcome!

SnowWhiteMontreal

RetreadBride said:

In that case.......you smile and be as sweet as sugar to Mrs. Attention Whore. Butter won't melt in your mouth.

The nastier she is, and the louder and obnoxious and attention-seeking you get, the more dignified and gracious YOU get.

People notice these things.  They DO.  Believe me.

It will soon become apparent who the nasty, spotlight-seeking, selfish beast is.  You and your fiance are the ones who will come out with all the marbles.

The best revenge is to live well.

Wear something fabulous.  If she goes for flashy, go for elegant and understated.  Timeless, stark and classic CAN outshine loud and blingy.  Pick a classy celebrity, and do your best, gal.

Host your own event that night, and enjoy it.

P.S.  Ever read "The Sweet Potato Queens"?  She tells the story of a woman with an evil MIL.  The woman remembered that evil MIL hated pink, and hated polyester.  When evil MIL died, she buried her in a pink polyester pantsuit.  Whenever she and her husband remember the horrible, cruel things MIL did to them over the decades, they remember her decked out in that pink polyester pantsuit for ALL ETERNITY.  It always makes them smile.

No I haven't. Seems funny, though

You are right. People do notice these things. So my best guess (as I always do anyway because I do not confront my FIL when I disagree with them.. Here I first wanted to because we're talking about the wedding weekend and I'm directly implied) is to be as classy and gracious as possible.

The dress I bought, months ago is super classic. White (naturally), A-line with sweetheart neckline, cap-sleeves and corset up back. I plan on having a half-up do with a elbow-length white veil. My shoes are delicate white sandals (although people will barely see them as the dress goes down to the ground with a medium train) and I'm gonna have a little white purse and my bouquet will be all white roses. FI's gonna wear a classic black suit with a black tie and a white hankerchief. Her? Along with her electric blue long dress (seriously, when she showed me a picture, all I had in mind was: wow... That looks like a blue recycle bin bag. Ok, that's not nice, but it does look like this) she bought silver shoes and a silver purse. She told me "I'm gonna sparkle!!!". I guess she will.

I love when you say "The best revenge is to live well". That is so true!

HaylaC

I would go. If its a group of people who will all be at your wedding then talk will naturally turn to weddings anyway, you can share their memories and get excited about your wedding at the same time and I'm sure it will be good fun.

If you don't want to go because you'd rather spend your wedding eve alone, that is fine, but not going to make a point to your ILs is stupid a might be something you regret.

delujm0

Maybe i'm crazy...but i would be happy about this.  When you have a DW, you're basically expected to entertain your guests all weekend.  FMIL just did you a solid - she invited everyone to a dinner she's having the night before the wedding, so now you and your FI and any friends who weren't invited can do whatever YOU want that night, and she'll entertain her family for you!  Sounds like a good deal to me!  Tell her you can't go because you have an obligation to your other guests and especially your MOH who will just be arriving, and live it up! :-)

Dreamergirl8812

delujm0 said:

Maybe i'm crazy...but i would be happy about this.  When you have a DW, you're basically expected to entertain your guests all weekend.  FMIL just did you a solid - she invited everyone to a dinner she's having the night before the wedding, so now you and your FI and any friends who weren't invited can do whatever YOU want that night, and she'll entertain her family for you!  Sounds like a good deal to me!  Tell her you can't go because you have an obligation to your other guests and especially your MOH who will just be arriving, and live it up! :-)

I was just thinking the same thing. I was picturing my FILs doing this and was only annoyed that FI and I are paying for the B & B the night before the wedding. But if they started paying for shit? Sweet! (Oh, I would also be stoked because they've been married for a really long time and having all the families together in San Diego would be a wonderful time to celebrate their marriage).


ETA: And if your in laws throw an awesome and classy party, you and your guests are going to remember having a really good time in Vegas, even the night before the wedding.