inviting THAT relative

SJM7538

I need some outside perspective on this.

Wedding planning has been very smooth thus far. Invitations are going out mid August and I'm looking to finalize my guest list in the next few weeks. My problem is that I can't decide whether or not to invite my uncle. Quick back story that I will try to keep somewhat brief.

My uncle is almost 60 years old, still lives with my grandmother and is bascially all around a screw up. He is the reason my grandparents divorced ten years ago. He is constantly in trouble with the law. Arrested several times for allegedly hitting this woman "escort" he has been involved with for quite some time, drunk driving ect. His latest stupidity was this past winter when he decided the town didn't do a good enough job plowing so he hopped onto the back of the DPW truck and harrased the driver.... and then the next day proceeded to go down to city hall and harass a poor clerk there about the horrendous snow plowing as well. The neighbors have called the cops several times accusing him of using drugs on my grandma's back deck. My poor grandmother is in denial about his behavior, but alas, that is a seperate issue. I could go on, but I'm pretty sure I don't have to.

And the twist... My fiance is a cop in the town where he lives and has been the one to arrest him in the past. He is clearly not a favorite of the police department and there will be a lot of them at the wedding.

So I can't decide whether or not to invite him. My fiance says it is my decision and he will support me either way. My family would rather not have him there but no one in my family has expressed disconcern if I do invite him. The only person who may be hurt is my grandmother, but she is understanding given the situation.

 I will feel guilty about not inviting him because he would be the only person in the family not invited. But on the other hand I am really worried he just will not behave himself. I know most people say adults should be able to behave themselves but with this uncle we have a 50/50 shot. He can be a loose cannon if something doesn't go his way.

SJM7538

SJM7538 said:

I need some outside perspective on this.

Wedding planning has been very smooth thus far. Invitations are going out mid August and I'm looking to finalize my guest list in the next few weeks. My problem is that I can't decide whether or not to invite my uncle. Quick back story that I will try to keep somewhat brief.

My uncle is almost 60 years old, still lives with my grandmother and is bascially all around a screw up. He is the reason my grandparents divorced ten years ago. He is constantly in trouble with the law. Arrested several times for allegedly hitting this woman "escort" he has been involved with for quite some time, drunk driving ect. His latest stupidity was this past winter when he decided the town didn't do a good enough job plowing so he hopped onto the back of the DPW truck and harrased the driver.... and then the next day proceeded to go down to city hall and harass a poor clerk there about the horrendous snow plowing as well. The neighbors have called the cops several times accusing him of using drugs on my grandma's back deck. My poor grandmother is in denial about his behavior, but alas, that is a seperate issue. I could go on, but I'm pretty sure I don't have to.

And the twist... My fiance is a cop in the town where he lives and has been the one to arrest him in the past. He is clearly not a favorite of the police department and there will be a lot of them at the wedding.

So I can't decide whether or not to invite him. My fiance says it is my decision and he will support me either way. My family would rather not have him there but no one in my family has expressed disconcern if I do invite him. The only person who may be hurt is my grandmother, but she is understanding given the situation.

 I will feel guilty about not inviting him because he would be the only person in the family not invited. But on the other hand I am really worried he just will not behave himself. I know most people say adults should be able to behave themselves but with this uncle we have a 50/50 shot. He can be a loose cannon if something doesn't go his way.

Edit: I meant no one in my family has expressed concern if I invite him.

BangBangs39

Ultimately it is really up to how you feel about it.  I can relate as I've chosen to not allow someone at my reception who is a loose cannon as well (family).  I made that decision based on the fact that I don't want to spend anytime on wedding day worrying if this individual is going to go off and cause problems. He has a nasty habit of being a mean drunk and has started problems with many people on many occasions, including me, and the next day when he's sober he always blames everyone else and plays the victim... I don't need that stress that day.

Hope it works out for you!!

Pepper6

I can relate as well as I didn't invite an uncle that has been in and out of jail.  I don't like him for one, and I thought he'd make my other guests uncomfortable because he looks creepy.  It ended up being a non-issue anyways as he was back in jail by my wedding day.

If you don't want to invite him, don't.  It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with him as it is, so I doubt there'd be any love lost even if he were offended that he wasn't invited.

southernbelle0915

You do not "need" to invite this person. If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't. 

wittykitty14

I wouldn't invite him, personally.

My FI has a cousin that he HATES (and he doesn't dislike many people).  He has a long history of being horrible (He lived with FI and his family for a year).  FI always told people that one day he'd probably end up in jail....and last summer he did, for robbery.  We're not inviting him to the wedding, and nobody cares.  They're all very happy he wasn't invited.  Even this guy's mother understood.

Xstatic3333

FI made the similar decision to not invite an uncle that was recently in jail for spousal abuse. It was tough, but I'm glad he made the choice he did. We were both appalled by his crime and afraid he would hurt someone at an event where alcohol is served. We had slight pushback from FMIL but she is not contributing and FI felt strongly about this.

harper0813

I personally would not invite him. It seems pretty inappropriate to have him at a wedding beside police officers who have arrested him before.

MrsMack10612

I had one family member who has drug/alcohol issues, coupled with mental illness and has had some violent tendencies in the past.  But he is also my nephew and godson.  I spent all 3 years of my planning hemming and hawing about inviting him.  When it was coming time for invitations to go out, he seemed to be improving, but was still a loose cannon and very unpredictable.  We did invite him and he did attend, but we had a lot of folks keeping an eye on him through the night.

He behaved myself and I'm glad I invited him.  Until his life went haywire, we had been very close and I think I would have regretted not inviting him.

I know this isn't the same for everyone and we all know our own family dynamics better, but thought I'd share my story that sometimes it does work out.  It's also different if you don't like/aren't close to the person.

misssunshine17

I wouldnt invite him and I wouldnt feel bad about it.

stantokm

Don't invite him.  If he was someone who you loved and thought *might* cause a disturbance, but you weren't sure, my answer would maybe be different.  I think you already know what you want to do and were looking for confirmation (nothing wrong with that) or a good reason to invite him anyway.  There is no good reason.

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't put anymore stress or thought towards him and move. I admit it would be a sight to see if he started acting up at the wedding and was hauled off by your FI's fellow officers but you shouldn't have to deal with that. Just don't invite him, it's less of a headache.

SJM7538

JordanF13 said:

I wouldn't put anymore stress or thought towards him and move. I admit it would be a sight to see if he started acting up at the wedding and was hauled off by your FI's fellow officers but you shouldn't have to deal with that. Just don't invite him, it's less of a headache.

I seriously have nightmares about this!

 

I really appreciate everyone's input and sharing your similar stories. It was helpful.

 

I am not particularly close with this uncle but we are cordial to one another and he is cordial to my fiance given the situation. So I think that paired with knowing he would be the ONE family member left out is what I was dwelling on and causing  the guilt.

Lobster1987 - I thought about your response and you are correct. He is not a person that I can say "I can't imagine not having you there on my special day." So I think I am going to leave him off the guest list.

I can't take the chance he that he will effect the comfort of my other guests, such as all the officers.

 

 

Peledreamsofrain

We have a very similar uncle in our family. We did not invite him, and nobody missed him.

Jen4948

Given that your family is not going to create drama if you don't, and in view of crime and safety issues here, I wouldn't invite him.