the whole no kids debate

loca4pook

I am just curious on this one. I recently had my wedding and invited nieces and nephews. Some of my FAVORITE parts of the evening were their fun moments. I can name the amount of times I laughed at their hilariousness and cuteness but I'd be here for awhile. They range in age from 18 months to 14. They were just such a fun part of the night, I can't wrap my mind around "no kids, they ruin the event" business.

I get the financial aspect. If you invite 1 kid, you might have to invite all and then 30 extra mouths to feed financially. I get that, but I personally just don't get the "they will ruin it" business.

 Oh, and to those who worry it ruins the party atmosphere, so didn't happen. Everyone still have a very fun time and tons of drinking was had by all. Still was just as fun for everyone

Just curious. How do others worry it will be ruined?

I just can't imagine how my event would have been without them. Such fond happy moments with them....

 

 

lringue

I went to a wedding that had kids. babies crying during vows, kids throwing tempers and one that went around telling some of the female guests that they were too fat to be wearing the dress they had on. Yes kids can ruin a wedding. I had 3 at mine one left soon after dinner and the other 2 were great I lucked out but others may not. People just need to know the kids and how they will react.

loca4pook

sometimes it is is, and I totally get that reason, but we do hear alot of people come on here and say they don't want kids there because it will mess with the atmosphere of the wedding. here is tons of "don't want kids running around on dancefloor" type comments on here

 

I don't mean to be controversial. I guess I am on a wedding high and want brides to know that it's okay to invite kids (if money/space allows) because they truly will just add to the experience. I guess I really just wanted to reassure people that kids at wedding isn't always awful with screaming and stuff.

I have sooo many cute photographs of them from the evening dancing and laughing and playing. I just can't imagine how people don't see how much fun they may add to the experience.

 One of my fave memories and photos is my nephew doing Gangham style on dancefloor with everyone surrounding him. It was hysterical and such a fun part of the night.

wittykitty14

The main reasons I've seen are money, space, wanting parents to enjoy a kid-free night, concerns about alcohol, and the fact that some people just don't like children.  While I don't necessarily agree with all those reasons, they're all perfectly legitimate.

FI and I chose to invite children to our wedding, because they're such a big part of our lives.  I can't wait!

Edited to say "night", not "ight"

itzMS

If we had invited children, it would have doubled our guest list. It wasn't about finances, it was about practicality. A guest list of 250 adult guests increasing to almost 500 with children is just not feasible for anyone.

We also had an open bar, so I wouldn't have been comfortable with children around adults who were drinking for safety purposes. There's a reason why children aren't allowed in bars or at most events where there is freeflowing alcohol. There is a time and a place where children belong.

JMHO.

loca4pook

wittykitty14 said:

The main reasons I've seen are money, space, wanting parents to enjoy a kid-free night, concerns about alcohol, and the fact that some people just don't like children.  While I don't necessarily agree with all those reasons, they're all perfectly legitimate.

FI and I chose to invite children to our wedding, because they're such a big part of our lives.  I can't wait!

Edited to say "night", not "ight"

and you won't regret it, trust me...Some of my fave memories were due to their cuteness....

My flower girl got half way down the aisle, sat down and cried and needed to be carried away. ...I guess some brides would be mortified..I chalked it up to a great memory that I will have as a lifetime (and great blackmail material for her when she is older) LL

jarednmegan

I do know that someone who could have been on my guest list isn't being invited because her children are monsters. I say "could have been on my guest list," because she and I aren't close.

I'm kind of relieved. Seriously...imagining her kids screaming during the ceremony and – as one of them did at my friend's wedding – wiping their dirty hands on a guest's shirt (and possibly worse scenarios...I'm not joking about these kids) is not a pretty picture.

She and her kids, as well as her brother and his wife, aren't invited because I don't really have that much contact with them anymore. However, her other brother and their parents are invited because I see and talk to them on a consistent basis.

Otherwise, as far as kids go, there will be LOTS of them in attendance. I love kids and I know some commotion is to be expected with so many at my wedding. I just draw the line with an acquaintance whose children consistently act out in public and can't keep their hands off anything.

NYCBruin

We are not having children outside of first cousins for budget and space reasons.

I also think that there is a legitimate reason to not want kids around for a party vibe. I get that kids being there doesn't automatically mean no one can dance or drink. But it definitely changes the atmosphere. There's a reason children aren't allowed in bars and clubs.

Not all kids are well behaved. Some people are ok with that, others don't want to be around screaming and crying kids on their wedding day.

Also, some people just don't like kids. Or they like kids but don't want them around on their wedding day. My teacher friends love children but tend to go into "teacher mode" around them and don't want to be in "teacher mode" at their wedding.

Bottom line. It's a personal thing and I think there are a lot of valid reasons to not want to have children at a wedding.

ETA because I spell like a child sometimes.

KDM323

I'm not having children at my wedding. 

Reason:  we just didn't want kids at our wedding.   Nothing more or less complicated than that.  We just don't want kids at our wedding.  Not that I think they'd misbehave, cry, freak out, etc...we just want to have an adults only wedding. 

It is our preference.  No different, really, than the preference of some individuals to get married on the beach while others get married in a majestic ballroom...it is simply what we want.

I love kids.  I think most of them are cute.  I think most of them are well behaved.  I enjoy playing with them, having them over for BBQs, etc...I just don't feel like having them at our wedding.

lringue

Im sure its also how some people invision their wedding some probably cant imagine kids at a formal event. Like i said the 3 i had at mine were great and i couldnt imagin not having them there with me on that speial day. the other 33 kids on the other hand if they were invited might of been more of a playground than a wedding its about people knowing how the kids will be. not knowing their guest it is hard to find out if they are scared about kids ruining the wedding or if they just know the kids would ruin it. Some kids can do very well and others can get stressed and act out. it can b a lot to expect of a kid since im sure they dont get a cance to go to a lot of weddings.

Blue_Bird

I think the only way a child could "ruin" a wedding would be if he stood up and objected during the ceremony AND had a valid reason to back it up.

The likelihood of that happening is pretty small I think. I LOVE having kids around at weddings, despite the fact that they tend to gravitate toward me (I'm a teacher) and sometimes I'd rather just be around adults. We invited kids, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My sister-in-law has nine in all. That said, I don't think anyone should have to justify his reasoning for not inviting kids anymore than he should have to justify not inviting any other guest (short of significant others). Sometimes, you'd rather just have an adult affair, and people know that their kids aren't welcome at every single event, nor should they be.

Blue_Bird

NYCBruin said:

My teacher friends love children but tend to go into "teacher mode" around them and don't want to be in "teacher mode" at their wedding.

Oh yes. I know exactly how that feels, lol.

Edited for spelling. "Hoe" is now "How".

southernbelle0915

@loca4pook - I'm so glad you had so much fun at your wedding and such a good time with the kids. 

We are not inviting children to our wedding and here's why:

1) Space - one side of my family is Italian Catholic and the other side is majority Dutch Christian Reformed. They procreate. Like a lot. 

2) Personal Preference - 

• I am irrationally irritated by crying, temper tantrum throwing children. 
• FI looks like a deer in the headlights when he holds or plays with a child. 
• I find that whenever there is a young child present, talk morphs into motherese and people are constantly discussing the child or what cute thing they will do next. 
• People leave early because it's "Suzie's bedtime". 
• It is not entirely predictable that a child will behave.
  
• Parents are in supervisor mode - versus freely enjoying the party without supervisory responsibilities

It's not that we don't like kids or don't think they're cute - we just wanted an adult reception for these reasons. We're also not 'anti-kids at weddings'. It was just the best choice for our own wedding.  A lot of our guests have stated how relieved they are to have some "adult time".

Swazzle

We had kids at our wedding. They were mostly from my side and I wanted them there. I don't necessarily regret this but it did get tiresome when my niece and nephew (both 3) wanted to play ring around the rosey on the dance floor 846 times and then would throw themselves to the floor and nearly rip my arms off. My friends noticed I was getting a little annoyed and took over for me which was nice. I'm also not a big kid person. I really like the ones in my family but I love giving them back. 

hordol

Loca4pook, it sounds like you LIKE kids though. Those who do not like kids will not have those fond memories because most likely the children will just annoy them. I'm a teacher and love kids and want them at my wedding, so I'm inviting most of the kids (well, bridal party families and relatives' kids.) However, I know plenty of people that when a baby starts to cry, it makes their skin crawl. Maybe for them that is "ruining" the event.

I agree that TO ME some of the things that kids do really aren't that big of a deal, but that's because I like kids and can overlook the tantrums and such. Other people do not.

ETA: I'm not trying to imply that because you had a kid free wedding, that means you hate kids. I know that's not the case for many many brides. I'm talking more from the perspective of someone who might think they will ruin the night.

MrsMack10612

We had one child at our wedding, our flower girl.  She is also my goddaughter, we had some great moments with her and she is one of those well behaved kids.  Her parents left early-ish because she had hit her wall and would have gone into meltdown mode.

We chose not to invite others for several reasons, not the least of which is we wanted a mostly adult event.  We also don't know a lot of people with small children.  Those that do, they are were all infants at the time of the wedding.  If they had needed to bring the kids because otherwise they couldn't attend, we would have made those exceptions.

ETA:  We did have some teenagers, but those were my neice and nephew and I don't consider them children in this context.

brielise414

We're including 3 children in the ceremony, but are not inviting any other children. One of the little girls is in the wedding solely because we wanted her to be invited and didn't want to have to justify things to anyone else. We specifically did not want my cousin to bring her children because they are monsters that have ruined various family events. As in screaming for hours because my mom (who barely knows him) gave him an art set and he wanted a flat screen TV. So now when people ask about kids we can say that we are only having children that are in the ceremony. The children will also be picked up by their grandparents at some point after dinner.

If I didn't have a niece and nephew we would not be having any children at the wedding. We are definitely having more of a party atmosphere and I do think having a lot of children at the wedding wouldn't work. We have a lot of college friends coming and there will be a lot of drinking. So it's not so much that they would ruin the wedding. As @NYCBRUIN said it creates a different atmosphere. Yes people bring their children to parties where there is drinking but I think a wedding, at least a wedding like ours, is on a different level. Would you take your child to a bar or night club? And I also know that my brothers and their wives would rather ship their kids off at a certain point in the evening than have to worry about them all night while they're trying to have a good time. 

On the other hand, I have been to more kid-friendly weddings where drinking is non-existent or minimal and almost every couple had a child. I was at a few of those weddings as a child and I can remember the kids taking over the dance floor. That's fine too, but it's not for us.

AddieCake

Some people simply do not enjoy kids running around. Not everybody finds kids and their cuteness to be cute. 

msuprincess04

We didn't invite kids. But, there aren't any in our close family or close knit friends. The only kids that would have been invited are the children of my distant cousins. We don't know them. We didn't invite them like we wouldn't have invited anyone else we don't know. I guess it's a space/personal preference issue. 

vk2204

loca4pook said:

I am just curious on this one. I recently had my wedding and invited nieces and nephews. Some of my FAVORITE parts of the evening were their fun moments. I can name the amount of times I laughed at their hilariousness and cuteness but I'd be here for awhile. They range in age from 18 months to 14. They were just such a fun part of the night, I can't wrap my mind around "no kids, they ruin the event" business.

I get the financial aspect. If you invite 1 kid, you might have to invite all and then 30 extra mouths to feed financially. I get that, but I personally just don't get the "they will ruin it" business.

 Oh, and to those who worry it ruins the party atmosphere, so didn't happen. Everyone still have a very fun time and tons of drinking was had by all. Still was just as fun for everyone

Just curious. How do others worry it will be ruined?

I just can't imagine how my event would have been without them. Such fond happy moments with them....

 

 

I think it was different for you because those were your nieces and nephews; which you obviously adore. We only had 4 young kids at our wedding because they were in the WP and I loved every moment I spent with them. But if we had invited ALL my second cousins it would have been way too much.

Kate61487

brielise88 said:

We're including 3 children in the ceremony, but are not inviting any other children. One of the little girls is in the wedding solely because we wanted her to be invited and didn't want to have to justify things to anyone else. We specifically did not want my cousin to bring her children because they are monsters that have ruined various family events. As in screaming for hours because my mom (who barely knows him) gave him an art set and he wanted a flat screen TV. So now when people ask about kids we can say that we are only having children that are in the ceremony. The children will also be picked up by their grandparents at some point after dinner.

If I didn't have a niece and nephew we would not be having any children at the wedding. We are definitely having more of a party atmosphere and I do think having a lot of children at the wedding wouldn't work. We have a lot of college friends coming and there will be a lot of drinking. So it's not so much that they would ruin the wedding. As @NYCBRUIN said it creates a different atmosphere. Yes people bring their children to parties where there is drinking but I think a wedding, at least a wedding like ours, is on a different level. Would you take your child to a bar or night club? And I also know that my brothers and their wives would rather ship their kids off at a certain point in the evening than have to worry about them all night while they're trying to have a good time. 

On the other hand, I have been to more kid-friendly weddings where drinking is non-existent or minimal and almost every couple had a child. I was at a few of those weddings as a child and I can remember the kids taking over the dance floor. That's fine too, but it's not for us.

I have a hard time imagining anyone who really wants a club atmosphere at their wedding. Throbbing bass so loud you can't hear yourself think and sweaty people grinding all over each other and having sex against the wall in a dark corner?  not at all the atmosphere I wanted, but perhaps I'm off base there and there are some people who want that.  To each their own.

We had a drinking/dance party atmosphere with a lot of kids in attendance.  The alcohol was freely flowing, the dance floor was packed, the kids thinned out as the night went on, but our niece and nephew (who were 6 and 7) powered through to the end.  But our family and friends are full of excellent parents; the children are all well behaved and have manners and would never do any of the asinine things I hear about on here.  If there were a holy terror in the group I probably would have figured out a way to not invite him or her. 

I don't think anyone should have to justify why they want their party to be kid-free, but I get how it can be hard for people like loca (and me) to understand when the kids are such an integral part of the family it's impossible to imagine it any other way.  I just have to remind myself that not all families are made up like mine.

AddieCake

@Kate61487

You hit a key element for me: that people shouldn't have to justify it. I don't mind kids at weddings, and I don't mind if they are kid-free, either. What bothers me is hearing all these stories of all the drama it causes for some brides choosing to host a kid-free event and that they are made to feel bad for their choice and have to explain it over and over to everybody and their brother.

 It makes me want to go to someone's b-day part for their kid and whine about "Why is it here?  Chuck E. Cheese is better. You should have picked another place that I like better. Chuck E. Cheese works better for me.  Why can't we go to Chuck E. Cheese instead?"  

My heart always goes out to brides/couples having to battle their damned friends and family over the guest list!

manjermj

The only kids we had at our wedding were the 2 flowers girls (my God daughters) and quite simply it was because I don't like kids and find them incredibly annoying.  

KDM323

Kate61487 said:

I don't think anyone should have to justify why they want their party to be kid-free, but I get how it can be hard for people like loca (and me) to understand when the kids are such an integral part of the family it's impossible to imagine it any other way.  I just have to remind myself that not all families are made up like mine.

See...my choice NOT to have kids at our wedding has absolutely NOTHING to do with my family.  I have a very large Irish Catholic family.  My fiance's family is a large Irish Catholic Italian family.  There are kids everywhere.  Parents are good parents.  Kids are good kids.  Everyone loves everyone and all that jazz.

We just simply do not want to invite kids to our wedding.

It has NOTHING to do with our family.  It is no reflection on whether or not we love kids.  It has nothing to do with how rowdy or quiet or whatever our wedding will be.

It is just a choice.  Just like we chose a location to hold our ceremony and reception and chose how big a wedding we want to have and chose a menu.  There isn't a big reason behind it.

Why does whether or not a couple invites kids to their wedding have to be anything bigger than their choice?

NYCBruin

Kate61487 said:

brielise88 said:

We're including 3 children in the ceremony, but are not inviting any other children. One of the little girls is in the wedding solely because we wanted her to be invited and didn't want to have to justify things to anyone else. We specifically did not want my cousin to bring her children because they are monsters that have ruined various family events. As in screaming for hours because my mom (who barely knows him) gave him an art set and he wanted a flat screen TV. So now when people ask about kids we can say that we are only having children that are in the ceremony. The children will also be picked up by their grandparents at some point after dinner.

If I didn't have a niece and nephew we would not be having any children at the wedding. We are definitely having more of a party atmosphere and I do think having a lot of children at the wedding wouldn't work. We have a lot of college friends coming and there will be a lot of drinking. So it's not so much that they would ruin the wedding. As @NYCBRUIN said it creates a different atmosphere. Yes people bring their children to parties where there is drinking but I think a wedding, at least a wedding like ours, is on a different level. Would you take your child to a bar or night club? And I also know that my brothers and their wives would rather ship their kids off at a certain point in the evening than have to worry about them all night while they're trying to have a good time. 

On the other hand, I have been to more kid-friendly weddings where drinking is non-existent or minimal and almost every couple had a child. I was at a few of those weddings as a child and I can remember the kids taking over the dance floor. That's fine too, but it's not for us.

I have a hard time imagining anyone who really wants a club atmosphere at their wedding. Throbbing bass so loud you can't hear yourself think and sweaty people grinding all over each other and having sex against the wall in a dark corner?  not at all the atmosphere I wanted, but perhaps I'm off base there and there are some people who want that.  To each their own.

We had a drinking/dance party atmosphere with a lot of kids in attendance.  The alcohol was freely flowing, the dance floor was packed, the kids thinned out as the night went on, but our niece and nephew (who were 6 and 7) powered through to the end.  But our family and friends are full of excellent parents; the children are all well behaved and have manners and would never do any of the asinine things I hear about on here.  If there were a holy terror in the group I probably would have figured out a way to not invite him or her. 

I don't think anyone should have to justify why they want their party to be kid-free, but I get how it can be hard for people like loca (and me) to understand when the kids are such an integral part of the family it's impossible to imagine it any other way.  I just have to remind myself that not all families are made up like mine.

I have to disagree with you.  First, maybe some people do want a club atmosphere at their wedding.  Why isn't that a valid choice?

Second, maybe you don't think kids hurt what you consider to be an appropriate level of "party-ness at a wedding, but I have to disagree.  I personally hate when there are children on the dance floor at other people's weddings because I'm scared I'm going to step or fall on them or something.  Especially if the kids are sliding on the dance floor or playing games.  I definitely dance less at weddings with children there.

Also, having children around certainly puts an embargo on certain conversation topics, it certainly changes the vibe.  

Finally, some parents are super judgmental.  I don't appreciate being stared up and down because a group of us just did a shot or because I laughed at a mildly raunchy joke, so I refrain from doing these things when children are around.  

As PP have said, there are a lot of valid reasons to not have kids at a wedding.  It's absurd that people even have to justify it.  Another reason I'm not inviting my friends' children is because I'm not friends with their children!  That doesn't mean that I don't like them or enjoy spending time with them, but FI and I want our nearest and dearest at our wedding.  That doesn't include our friends children who we aren't close to.

ETA: Wanted to clarify that I totally agree with you (Kate) that it's silly that people have to justify whether they want to have kids at the wedding.  I was just pushing back on the idea that kids don't change the atmosphere!

Kate61487

AddieL73 said:

@Kate61487

You hit a key element for me: that people shouldn't have to justify it. I don't mind kids at weddings, and I don't mind if they are kid-free, either. What bothers me is hearing all these stories of all the drama it causes for some brides choosing to host a kid-free event and that they are made to feel bad for their choice and have to explain it over and over to everybody and their brother.

 It makes me want to go to someone's b-day part for their kid and whine about "Why is it here?  Chuck E. Cheese is better. You should have picked another place that I like better. Chuck E. Cheese works better for me.  Why can't we go to Chuck E. Cheese instead?"  

My heart always goes out to brides/couples having to battle their damned friends and family over the guest list!

Yeah, unfortunately weddings bring out the crazy and it seems like people feel they get to have an opinion on everything.  I mean... I love cake.  I know some people don't and choose to have pie or something else as their dessert.  *Most* of their family (even if they are cake lovers like me) won't be all "BUT HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE CAKE?!".  But yet we've had some girls on here who are getting pushback from someone or another.  Likewise with not getting married in a church.  Most of your guests will recognize that it's your choice where you get married, but many still have a grandma or parent who will make their opinion known that "you're doing it wrong", KWIM?  kids is definitely the most common one, but it seems like there are people out there who will make you justify every decision that doesn't fit their mold.

vineheart137

I had kids at my wedding - In fact, a coworker of mine asked if it was okay if she bring her 2-year-old son because she had been invited to a wedding the day before mine, and the bride had hand-written on their invitation "NO CHILDREN", so she wanted to double check with me if children were invited to mine. Not only did I say of course he could come (I had even written his name on the inner envelope, along with his parents), I asked her several times between then and the wedding if she was going to bring him because I would have loved to have him!

I'm a teacher and I love kids, on the June 2013 board I posted some pics of the kiddos at my wedding. They were some of my favorite parts of the wedding. I have never been to a wedding where it seemed like kids "ruined" it, or cried during the ceremony or whatnot, but like a PP said, what might not be annoying to me could be annoying to other people.

vineheart137

loca4pook said:

and you won't regret it, trust me...Some of my fave memories were due to their cuteness....

My flower girl got half way down the aisle, sat down and cried and needed to be carried away. ...I guess some brides would be mortified..I chalked it up to a great memory that I will have as a lifetime (and great blackmail material for her when she is older) LL

Haha this happened at my wedding, she didn't cry but I guess she got stage fright (she's three) because she got halfway down and then just stood there turning around and looking at people and throwing rose petals in the same spot on the ground LOL. One of our groomsmen is her uncle so he ended up going to get her and walked her the rest of the way haha. I didn't see it but my hubby said it was more cute than anything to him. And the photographer actually got a great shot of her standing still in the middle of the aisle! LOL

realblonde474

We aren't having a big wedding BUT a large wedding party.  How do I "word" our invitation as adults only?  We are hosting a cocktail party and don't children running around adults who are drinking....

 

aurianna

The only kids that would have been up for discussion were a couple of first cousins, a BUNCH of first cousin's kids and then just a small handful of friend's kids.
With the exception of just one or two of the first cousins, we were not close to any of these children.
We saw no reason to spend any extra money to invite kids when we don't know these kids.

I've been to weddings with kids in attendance. I've been to weddings without kids. A lot of the kid weddings are fun. At most of them the kids loved to show off on the dance floor and follow around the princess-looking bride.

My BIL & SILs wedding was just 6 months before mine was. They invited kids (almost the exact same kids that would be invited to our wedding if we'd chosen to do so).
The kids were really cute and fun on the dance floor. But they took up the whole dance floor, all night.
The kids were really into the bouquet toss which was really cute. But then the rest of the girls all shied away and didn't really participate so that the little girls could have their fun.
It was great seeing the little kids all excited, wanting to follow around the bride. But the bride got to spend less time actually dancing with and talking to her friends and family.
And it was cute for a while seeing the 9-13ish year old kids be excited about being at a grown up event and wanting to mingle with the adults. But frankly it got annoying after a while when I was trying to have conversations with my FIs adult cousins whom I like and don't get to see very often only to have the 11 year old cut in on our conversations every 5 minutes to brag about how he tried to get the bartender to give him beer or whatever else.

At my wedding I wanted my cousins and friends to own the dance floor.
I wanted to be able to mingle freely with all my guests and not have to either patronize or disappoint children.
I wanted my single friends who were actually really excited about the bouquet toss (and believe me, there were some) to go at it full bore.
I wanted my guests to be able to drink, dance or mingle as they pleased without needing to contend with other people's children.
And I also realized little things like simple movement around the venue would be easier without kids, who are less aware and totally prone to just innocently camp out in a high traffic area (by the bar, aisle, etc).

So we didn't invite kids and we got the wedding we wanted.

Some people really enjoy the cheer and cuteness children bring to an event.
Some people really want to throw an adult event.

There's no right or wrong other than what's right for you.

southernbelle0915

realblonde474 said:

We aren't having a big wedding BUT a large wedding party.  How do I "word" our invitation as adults only?  We are hosting a cocktail party and don't children running around adults who are drinking....

You can word them this way by addressing them to only the adults. Do not put "adult reception" or "adults only" anywhere on the invitation. Just address the invitation to the people you want to invite and leave it at that. If people RSVP for more than themselves and their SO, you address it with them on a case by case basis, "I'm sorry for any confusion by the invitation was for you and your wife. We hope you'll be able to make it."