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Best friend doesn't like my fiance... should I include her in bridal party?
My fiance and I got off to a rocky start at the beginning of our relationship. But now it has been loving and wonderful and I can't wait to marry him. However, my best friend never warmed back up to him. He doesn't like her. She doesn't like him. It's a mutual disdain. She says she is happy that I'm getting married, but I know she's just being nice. I want her to be apart of my wedding but I think it's hypocritical to make her a bridesmaid. Would hostess better suit the situation or just a mere guest? What would y'all do? I don't want to lose a friend... she should be understanding... right?
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Re: Best friend doesn't like my fiance... should I include her in bridal party?
When will your wedding be? Wait to ask your bridal party until about 10 months out.
If your relationship is not where you want it to be at that point, invite her as a guest.
BTW...what would she do a "hostess"? You and your FI and the host and hostess of your reception (along with whomever is footing the bill).
I don't think anyone should be a part of the wedding if they don't actually support the couple getting married. If you don't believe she truly supports your decision to marry your FI then don't ask her to be a BM. Just invite her as a guest, don't make up a role for her.
This is a personal response rather than an etiquette response, but: I've been asked to be in a wedding where I was friends with the bride but disliked the groom. I agreed to be in it despite my better judgement, and I found it very awkward and uncomfortable. I mean, I had a great time doing all the girly stuff with my friend, like the bachelorette party and dress shopping, but the wedding itself was very uncomfortable for me. I ended up more or less cutting off my friendship with the couple because they moved away and it was no longer really possible to see my friend without her husband, and I just kinda feel bad about the whole thing, like I was in their wedding under false pretenses or something.
A guest is never "mere," by the way. It's always an honor to invite someone to your wedding, and no one should ever be insulted at not being asked to be in the bridal party. I don't know what being a "hostess" means in your circle, but in mine it's a role that is NOT an honor (and kind of an insult). Could you maybe just invite your friend dress shopping/to your shower/to your b-party/whatever, and invite her to the wedding as a guest? I know that's what I would have preferred when I was in your friend's shoes.
ITA with this. Some mutual friends got married in 2009 (I liked them both, but hated them as a couple). Everyone in the wedding party was just gritting their teeth throughout the ceremony. It was kind of pathetic. They were divorced within 7 months.
Not to say, OP, that you and your FI aren't right for one another...but it's important to consider all factors when a friend dislikes your future husband.
If she doesn't want to, she can say "no, FutureShreiner, I don't support your relationship with FI because of what he did to you, so I hope you understand that I don't want to be in the wedding party."
A friend doesn't have to approve or agree with all of your decisions to stay a friend. But asking someone to be in the wedding is asking them to participate in that decision. If they disagree with it they should not be in the wedding.
I was asked to be a BM for a friend who's FI I didn't like. She was my best friend and I absolutely wanted to be there for her big day. I just ignored him. Keep in mind your friend might accept even if she's not a fan of his, just because she doesn't want to let you down.
I would feel out the next couple months and then decide what is best. Think about if you personally want someone that isn't 100% supportive of your marriage.
I could go both ways on this.
On one hand, I wouldn't want someone to stand up with me if I knew that they were against my marriage.
On the other hand, I would want my nearest and dearest up there, regardless of how they felt. The relationship between me and potential BM is what would matter.
Since your wedding is 14 months away, I'd wait 4-5 months and see how your relationship is doing at that point. Good luck!
Being a guest is an honor. And if she does not approve of your relationship, I would not ask her to be a bridesmaid - she will likely end up listening to a lot of fiancé-related stories and anecdotes during the shower, bachelorette party (if you end up having those), rehearsal dinner and then wedding. Don't make her pretend to like hearing them. And if she's a brazen, outspoken girl, it might end in tears and hurt feelings.
Give it some time, though. I'd wait until 8-10 months to ask her and she might warm up in the several months until then.
Looking back, I am so glad I was a part of her WP and was there for her and showed my support of her as a friend. I just ignored the groom, which was easy to do. She spent most of the night dancing with us anyways instead of him. I had said my piece to her about him earlier in their relationship and there was no reason to try to make a big statement about that on her wedding day. I don't regret for one second being in her wedding.
So, if you want her to be in your WP because she is an awesome friend, I say ask her. If you don't feel comfortable with that, she can be invited as a guest. Just out of curiosity (if you don't mind), what are the issues she has with your FI? Will this be a problem in your friendship moving forward when you are married?
It's fine with me that we have a difference of opinion. I don't want someone to stand up with me on my wedding day who doesn't think I should be getting married. Not because I need their support to do so but because I don't want them to be a part of something they don't agree with.
June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!
I'd give it some more time, until you get closer to the wedding date. Things might change and if they don't, then perhaps she'd enjoy coming as a guest.
And, yeah, I saw that episode of Sex and the City. I remember how unhappy Miranda was. Don't do that to your friend.
Also, you said you and FI had a rocky start. Did you complain or vent to this friend about how your now FI was treating you? If the answer is yes, I'm sure your friend can only think about the horrible things your now FI was doing to you. So yes, she does not like him because of the words that came directly out of your mouth about him. She does not need to warm up to him, she wants to be wary of him so that she can try to protect you from him if your relationship turns "rocky" again.
A friend had told me all about a co-worker - how he was a player, blah, blah, blah. After a few months, she tells me they are dating. I gave her the warning - you said he was a player why are you doing this, etc. She said she's keeping her eyes open and seeing where it goes. He totally turned around from her previous description of him. I still was wary of him because of the words that came out of her mouth about him. But I also got to know him and realized, yes he turned around from her previous description. They have been married for 5 years now and have 2 awesome kids. He's also always offering to help my H & I around the house with our big projects. He really is a great guy, I just couldn't see it at first. Maybe the same thing needs to happen with your friend.
But Staaaaaaaaaaage, she got her mod powers taken away! Surely that gives her a free pass to still do her damnedest to try and get you and Linger banned for no good reason other than she's still not over the fact that she no longer has the chance to swing the Banhammer herself.
And you're the only mod that's still acting like a petulant child about it. It was a volunteer position on a wedding message board. It's been several months now since the Knot Gods took over. For somebody that loves to advise how badly people need perspective when they're way too focused on things that really don't matter in life, you seem to be having a really hard time letting go of something that is so inanely trivial in the grand scheme of things.