Out of town friends want to stay with bride and groom the week of the wedding?

CrystalSully

Hey knotties! I've got something I'm stressing out about a little bit and hope that someone can be of help. I really hope I don't come off as rude or snarky about this, but my good friend/MOH is coming from pretty far away to our wedding with her boyfriend and since they are driving they asked if they could just stay with us in our small two bedroom home. (The other bedroom is a full office that my fiancé works out of daily) This isn't too bad to us since we love my friend dearly and she's making quite the journey just to be at our wedding! However, just the other day she called me to let me know that her boyfriend is bringing his friend on the trip, and he will need a place to stay as well. Off the bat I said "Sure" of course since I'm too nice for my own good a lot of the time, but now I'm really starting to stress out. My fiancé is bugged by it too since they would be here a week before our wedding and 3-4 days after the wedding as well. We aren't going on a honeymoon due to financial issues, so we're not sure how to handle this whole thing. Has anyone been through this before that could offer some advice as to how to handle this situation? Maybe I'm just stressing out about nothing, but I don't know her boyfriend or his friend and it's the week of our wedding so I'm already a bit stressed with planning. Thanks for taking the time to read this everyone!

misshart00

Wow. I don't know what you can do about it now (other knotties can help you with that). But that does sound insanely stressful. And I find it really rude that they just invited another friend to stay with you.

CrystalSully

I know this stressful situation is probably all my fault since I already said "Sure" on the phone about it, but maybe someone who has had guests over during wedding/stressful times could offer some advice?

BlondieBia21

I probably would have responded the same way as you. But, I know that I would be freaking out thinking of having to play house with guests while I want to be preparing and adding the final touches to details. Does your friend know your mom or anyone else in your family? I know it'd be putting someone else out, but you could ask if they could stay there? If so, explain to your friend that as much as you'd love for them to stay with you, that you just believe they'd be more comfortable there and whenever you are free you will see them. Explain that you'll have a lot of last minute details and meetings that will have to be done. 

I don't believe you can tell them they can't stay with you if there's no where else for them to go. I do think it's crazy that she asked to stay with you during your wedding week. The only way you could flat out say "no" now is if you pay to put them up in a hotel somewhere... Best of luck!

itzMS

I would never do this in the first place. 10 days of houseguests is a really, really, REALLY long time.

Can you ask that they find different accomodations from your wedding night through the end of their stay?

I wouldn't want to spend my wedding night with houseguests! :-P

PrettyGirlLost

Crystal, you seem too nice for your own good! Don't take this the wrong way, but WTF were you ad FI thinking, lol!

Your friend was very rude to invite her BFs pal to stay with you before and after your wedding, and I personaly would never do so even if the B&G lived in a McMansion and one of them was my identical twin. And never ever would I crash at the home of random newleyweds I had never even met. Awkward much?

I would call your friend and apologize profusely, but you were not in your right mind when you agreed to these arrangements, and now with the addition of random pal, you and FI can no longer put them up before or after the wedding. There is just no room in the inn.

daveANDkristen

I agree with @itzMS, I would not want them to stay during the "honeymoon" period (the wedding night and few days following the wedding).  As for the days leading up to the wedding, I would probably feel obligated to keep my word.  Just try to have your last minute things done prior to the last minute to cut down on the stress.

phira

The fact that it's more than just your friend and her boyfriend (why is her boyfriend's FRIEND coming?), and the fact that you don't actually have a second bedroom, would be enough reason to say sorry. Add in the fact that you're going to be preparing for your wedding and then you're not going on a honeymoon, and houseguests are just going to make life so much harder.

I would call your friend IMMEDIATELY and explain: "When you first asked me if you, [boyfriend], and [boyfriend's friend] could stay with us, I answered before I could talk to [fiance] about it. He was very upset that I said yes without talking to him first, and he's raised some points about how difficult it will be to have you stay with us during that time. Here are some reasonably priced hotel/motel options that are nearby; let me know if those options won't work for you. I am so sorry that I jumped the gun and now have to go back on my offer."

misshart00

Wait, you don't have a second bedroom? I missed that. While probably not etiquette approved, I think I would call and say that you can't fit all three of them there for ten days.

CrystalSully

I'm just so worried that if they can't stay here then they won't come - she's my MOH (also the only BM) and we've arranged a ceremony with her involved, paid for flowers and stuff for her, etc. They're already having some crazy financial troubles and would probably not be able to come at all if they had to pay to stay somewhere. Gah, I don't know what to do. 

itzMS

CrystalSully said:

I'm just so worried that if they can't stay here then they won't come - she's my MOH (also the only BM) and we've arranged a ceremony with her involved, paid for flowers and stuff for her, etc. They're already having some crazy financial troubles and would probably not be able to come at all if they had to pay to stay somewhere. Gah, I don't know what to do. 

*Puts on judgy hat* But they can afford to take 10 days off from work?!?!?!

You're not being unreasonable...your friend and her boyfriend and his friend are.

STARMOON44

Why do they have to come for so long though? If they haven't bought plane tickets, can you tell them to please arrive 2 days early, leave the day after, and not bring friend.

Jen4948

I'd call them back, tell them that unfortunately, although you told them 'Sure' they could stay with you, you spoke hastily and have since realized that it isn't possible for you to host them.

Expecting the couple to host you overnight at their home, and bringing someone along, is one thing that I would really find annoying if someone did this to me.

PrettyGirlLost

STARMOON44 said:

Why do they have to come for so long though? If they haven't bought plane tickets, can you tell them to please arrive 2 days early, leave the day after, and not bring friend.

I was thinking this as well.

Wedding or no, I would absolutely not be comfortable having some random person I had never met in my home.

Dreamergirl8812

CrystalSully said:

Hey knotties! I've got something I'm stressing out about a little bit and hope that someone can be of help. I really hope I don't come off as rude or snarky about this, but my good friend/MOH is coming from pretty far away to our wedding with her boyfriend and since they are driving they asked if they could just stay with us in our small two bedroom home. (The other bedroom is a full office that my fiancé works out of daily) This isn't too bad to us since we love my friend dearly and she's making quite the journey just to be at our wedding! However, just the other day she called me to let me know that her boyfriend is bringing his friend on the trip, and he will need a place to stay as well. Off the bat I said "Sure" of course since I'm too nice for my own good a lot of the time, but now I'm really starting to stress out. My fiancé is bugged by it too since they would be here a week before our wedding and 3-4 days after the wedding as well. We aren't going on a honeymoon due to financial issues, so we're not sure how to handle this whole thing. Has anyone been through this before that could offer some advice as to how to handle this situation? Maybe I'm just stressing out about nothing, but I don't know her boyfriend or his friend and it's the week of our wedding so I'm already a bit stressed with planning. Thanks for taking the time to read this everyone!

This is weird. Is the bf's friend even invited to the wedding? Why 10 days? PP suggested you put them up in a hotel for the wedding night and next few days, but what if you put yourselves up for a few nights instead?

PrettyGirlLost

Dreamergirl8812 said:

CrystalSully said:

Hey knotties! I've got something I'm stressing out about a little bit and hope that someone can be of help. I really hope I don't come off as rude or snarky about this, but my good friend/MOH is coming from pretty far away to our wedding with her boyfriend and since they are driving they asked if they could just stay with us in our small two bedroom home. (The other bedroom is a full office that my fiancé works out of daily) This isn't too bad to us since we love my friend dearly and she's making quite the journey just to be at our wedding! However, just the other day she called me to let me know that her boyfriend is bringing his friend on the trip, and he will need a place to stay as well. Off the bat I said "Sure" of course since I'm too nice for my own good a lot of the time, but now I'm really starting to stress out. My fiancé is bugged by it too since they would be here a week before our wedding and 3-4 days after the wedding as well. We aren't going on a honeymoon due to financial issues, so we're not sure how to handle this whole thing. Has anyone been through this before that could offer some advice as to how to handle this situation? Maybe I'm just stressing out about nothing, but I don't know her boyfriend or his friend and it's the week of our wedding so I'm already a bit stressed with planning. Thanks for taking the time to read this everyone!

This is weird. Is the bf's friend even invited to the wedding? Why 10 days? PP suggested you put them up in a hotel for the wedding night and next few days, but what if you put yourselves up for a few nights instead?

I was going to suggest that, but that still leaves the problem of the unknown friend in the house. . . sure, Friend and Friend's BF should be responsible for him, but he shouldn't even be coming IMO.

CrystalSully

Update: I've been texting her and mentioned that with her bfs friend coming I'm not sure if there's going to be enough room. She responded with "We're okay with camping in the living room, we have no problems with air mattresses and such." 

Ugh. I'm trying to be as nice as possible about this but that just isn't really working. She gets easily offended.

Jen4948

CrystalSully said:

Update: I've been texting her and mentioned that with her bfs friend coming I'm not sure if there's going to be enough room. She responded with "We're okay with camping in the living room, we have no problems with air mattresses and such." 

Ugh. I'm trying to be as nice as possible about this but that just isn't really working. She gets easily offended.

Trying to be as nice as possible about this, as you've noted, isn't working, so I'd give it up. Tell her very firmly, "Friend, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but no.  You and your SO and your friend may not stay with us.  That means no camping in our living room, and no air mattresses.  Make other arrangements for lodging that don't involve staying with us."

Yeah, they'll get pouty, but these people were incredibly rude to ask for this and even more so to just tell you that an uninvited friend is coming along. 

annathy03

I would also renege on their friend being able to stay with you (and WTF, why does he need to come?), citing logistics and discussion with FI.  It was super rude of them to ask to bring a third wheel, and I am equally as confused as PPs as to why any of them need to stay for 10 days.  I'd also recommend getting yourself a hotel room for your wedding night if you can.

32daisies

CrystalSully said:

Update: I've been texting her and mentioned that with her bfs friend coming I'm not sure if there's going to be enough room. She responded with "We're okay with camping in the living room, we have no problems with air mattresses and such." 

Ugh. I'm trying to be as nice as possible about this but that just isn't really working. She gets easily offended.

My first question was asked by a PP: why are they staying so long?

I can't help but say that this sounds like it has disaster written all over it. I can't imagine having houseguests on my wedding day -- and on my wedding night! I know it seems rude to take back your agreement, but you have a right to be comfortable during your own wedding, and in your own home. I think you need to tell your friend this isn't going to work, and that they have to make other arrangements. And -- these words may sound a little harsh -- if she's a true friend, she'll understand she's asking too much of you.

PrettyGirlLost

Stop texting and call her on the phone.

Again, be as apologetic as possible but tell her that
1. You just cannot in any way accommodate BF's friend. No, no no, sorry, no.
2. Ask if they can cut the trip short and only come in to town for a few days, 2-3, not 10, and offer to put she and BF up in a hotel for that time, if you can afford it.  Or conversely check into a hotel yourselves during that time.

I understand about personality types that are easily offended, I have friends like that too, but sometimes you just have to cut the shit and be direct, lol.

Is there any possibility of Friend and Friend's BF staying with another mutual friend or relative instead of you?  Yeah I know, it's rude to ask the other ppl, but I'm looking for the lesser of two evils here.  Especially if you think telling her she can;t stay with you at all will mean she won't come.

CrystalSully

Honestly they aren't sure exactly how long they'll be here. Since they are driving it keeps ranging from one week, to 6 days, and back and forth. Just now she's telling me they want to be here the TUESDAY before the Friday wedding, so I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Jen4948

Tell her no all the way around.  Stop trying to find out what's going on.

CrystalSully

She's my MOH, I kind of need to know what's going on with her and what days she'll be here.

Pepper6

You are much nicer than I am...I HATE houseguests, and I only allow it in certain circumstances, and even then, only for 3 nights max.  There's no way in hell I would want 3 people camping in my living room for 10 days, especially in the house after the wedding for what's essentially your HM. No no no no no.

You need to find a polite way to break it to them FIRMLY that you cannot accommodate them.  If anything, I'd agree to maybe 2 nights prior to the wedding, and that's it.  And WTF is randomly inviting another person to stay in someone else's house?  

Jen4948

Maybe as a compromise, book hotel rooms for them that they will be responsible for paying for.  But make ultra clear that staying in your house is not a possibility.

misshart00

I would tell them to find other arrangements or that they can stay Friday night and Saturday night, but that's it (and try to get a hotel on your wedding night).

CrystalSully

Great ideas, ladies. Thanks for your input on this. I think we will definitely be booking a hotel room the night of our wedding for sure. I offered to help split their hotel bill (just for the couple, not the friend) but we can't afford to outright pay for the bill. We're on a crazy tight budget and eliminated our honeymoon entirely after spending thousands on our kitty who was sick and had to be put to sleep. 

 Once she's off work I should be able to call her and talk about all of this and just tell her straight. We all make mistakes, and mine was saying "Okay sure" right off the bat without thinking because I was trying to be polite. 

NYCMercedes

It's just too many for too long. Try to eliminate the friend and ask her to make her visit shorter.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, she's rude to ask to stay with you for so long. You're not a hotel.  And she's treating this like a vacation.  At first I felt bad for her, but inviting a friend? That's ridiculous.

MuppetFan

Well, I guess some lessons learned. In the future, I suggest having a discussion with your fiance before saying yes to situations like this.

I personally would have trouble renegging completely, and I'd look for a short local getaway/minimoon for 2 or 3 nights.

Is it possible to call and ask them about it?  Another thought: "Geez friend, I was so excited about you coming that I didn't really think about the fact that we're not having a honeymoon and we'd really appreciate a few nights to ourselves before having to go back to work. Is it possible for you to stay until __X date?