Wedding Etiquette Forum

Can I refuse to give cash (only out of spite)?

A relative is having a destination wedding in a few weeks.  Right there on the invitation, it stated, "cash bar only".  I was a little tiffed, but said I'll suck it up and go to the wedding.  Hubby and I are spending $2,500 to attend said wedding!

I just happen to look inside the invitation envelope, where I found a slip of paper that said "a monetary contribution towards our honeymoon would be great".  Seriously?!  Honestly, if I saw this earlier I would have declined the invitation.

Now, I am refusing to give cash and want to buy a gift, even though I have no idea what they would want/need (they don't have a registry).  Hubby says to forget it and just give cash.  Should I?  Or just be spiteful and buy whatever?
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Re: Can I refuse to give cash (only out of spite)?

  • Give whatever gift (or no gift) you choose.  Gifts are from the heart and money should never be asked for.  At least, that's my opinion...
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Either don't give a gift, or give something non-monetary. I highly recommend, if you want to be spiteful-but-not-overtly-spiteful, getting them a salt and pepper shaker set that is borderline tacky.

    In your shoes, I wouldn't have gone to the wedding at all ($2500?!!!).
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  • Just give them a card with your well wishes as that's enough.
  • Gifts are never required.  How tacky of them to ask for cash.  I would just give a card.  If you feel uncomfortable not giving a gift, you could always get them a small physical gift as well.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Card. A gift is never obligatory, and is always chosen solely by the giver.
  • You are already giving them a gift, your presence at their wedding. That, right there, should be gift enough for everyone. I assume that they invited you to their wedding because they care about you and want to share their big day with you. With that in mind, the mere fact that you are there should make them happy.
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  • I'd give a nice card. You are spending a lot of money just to get to the wedding (plus the tackiness of a cash bar and asking for money) there is no need for you to give a gift as well.


  • AjulianaAjuliana member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    ...isn't the idea of a destination wedding that the couple is already AT their honeymoon? 

    And I would never have agreed to go.  That's way too much money for "some relative's" wedding.  For my brother's out of state wedding, it cost us about $1K for us to go, and I was only okay with spending that much because he and his wife actually lived in the other state.
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    Previously Alaynajuliana


  • I'd just give them a card, to be honest.
  • I'd do a card. I have done a card in real life in a similar situation. FI (then BF) and I were really struggling at the time of that wedding and trying to save so we could even get engaged. I would have found cash for a gift somewhere but straight up cash? No way.

    Hopefully the destination is somewhere you wanted to go anyway!
  • Cash bar and an open request for cash? Ugh. You're well within your rights to give--or not give--whatever you want. Personally, I'd never give cash to someone who straight-up asked for it.
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  • Another vote for just a card. I'm with efmcc67.  The cash bar and open request for cash is very incredibly off putting, especially if I were spending $2500 to attend in the first place. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I would never EXPECT a gift if people were spending so much money to come and I would make damn sure I properly hosted those that traveled for it.

    That said, a card is plenty for this couple.
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  • I'd buy a huge, heavy gift while you're there so that they have to pay a ton to ship it back.

    Jk, no I wouldn't, but I'd entertain myself with such thoughts.  I would get a nice card and call it good. 

  • I'd bring a card and would consider having a physical gift shipped to their home. The outright request for cash would deter me from giving a cash gift.

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  • Put me in the "just a card" group. I'm also in the "I would have taken a pass, but too late now" group.
  • Give a card and call it a day.
  • Forget the ceramic chicken.  Nobody, but nobody can deny the charm of a ceramic polaroid camera!

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    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2013
    Or a ceramic wreath. Just don't slam the door.

  • zobird said:
    Or a ceramic wreath. Just don't slam the door.
    A bit off topic, but who in their right mind would buy a ceramic wreath??? (like, not as a joke but for real) That sounds like an accident waiting to happen lol

    On topic: I'd go the card route. You are already spending enough money to be at their wedding and the cash bar/asking for cash is just plain tacky.

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  • I agree with you all, really I do, but I just can't bring myself to just give a card and not give a gift.  She gave us a nice gift for our wedding last year and was also a bridesmaid.  I was all set to give cash since it's a destination wedding, but that note totally rubbed me the wrong way, hence my refusal out of spite.  I was actually thinking the "gift card to a store" route, but hubby said that's the same as a cash gift.  So what can I get them without looking spiteful?  Although I like the idea of giving ceramic stuff, I don't think DH would want his name attached to something like that. lol
  • I agree with you all, really I do, but I just can't bring myself to just give a card and not give a gift.  She gave us a nice gift for our wedding last year and was also a bridesmaid.  I was all set to give cash since it's a destination wedding, but that note totally rubbed me the wrong way, hence my refusal out of spite.  I was actually thinking the "gift card to a store" route, but hubby said that's the same as a cash gift.  So what can I get them without looking spiteful?  Although I like the idea of giving ceramic stuff, I don't think DH would want his name attached to something like that. lol

    A picture frame from the dollar store... I know you don't want to do that so I'll suggest something else: a nice card and cookie sheets, a spatula, and a couple of your family recipes ($10 tops). It'll appear heartfelt and personal, you won't spend a lot of money, and you won't be giving cash. And you'll secretly be giving an awkwardly shaped/sized item for them to carry home. Suckersssss!! No seriously I think it's nice.
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  • MsYeckMsYeck member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    So they gave you a nice gift for your wedding. Did it cost $2500 for them to go to your wedding? I'm guessing the answer is no. Give a card.
  • hoffsehoffse member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    We received a butterfly platter you can have...

    Seriously, if you feel like you need to get something, go the dollar store/tuesday morning route.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Just wanted to add that a destination wedding is often a destination wedding for GUESTS but not for the couple. My friend is from Hawaii and is sure she will get married there, so ... destination for us but not for her!
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  • I honestly can't believe you would spend 2500 to go to a destination wedding. That is a lot for someone else's wedding that isn't your immediate family.

    That being said, if your spending that much money to go to a wedding, you obviously care so being spiteful isn't exactly an "adult" thing to do.  Yes it is extremely rude to have a cash bar and then ask for money on top of that.  I would just get them a nice card and write something nice in it instead of being spiteful.  The bride/groom will know and if you want to continue the friendship I would be careful.  I know everyone is not going to agree but everyone has their own opinion.   
  • ...isn't the idea of a destination wedding that the couple is already AT their honeymoon? 
    I thought this too; then a coworker told me that she and her H "wouldn't be taking a honeymoon until next year".  Umm, I'm sorry.  You're having a PPD on the beach in Mexico (they married in the states a week before they left; you know.. that pesky paperwork) and staying at the resort for 5 days after.  How is that not a honeymoon? 
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