Why do people feel the need to mention the D-word?!

wittykitty14

Today, a co-worker of mine asked how close we were to the wedding.  Most people in my office know I'm getting married but it's never really discussed, which makes me happy.  Anyway, this guy has been divorced twice.  He's the one who brought up the wedding, and then said "You know you only have a 50% chance of making it, right?".  REALLY?

I just let it go in one ear and out the other, because getting married to FI is probably the only thing in my life that I've ever been 100% sure of.  But I'm kind of annoyed.  Seriously, who says to somebody who's 3 weeks away from their wedding?   He just kept going on and on about it.  Luckily my brother was there and was able to diffuse it a bit.  I'm sorry that his marriages didn't work out, but I feel like he was just telling me not to bother because I'll just get divorced anyway.  He's made a few comments like this all year ("Are you sure you want to get married?"), but today just got to me a little bit.

I don't know.  This is more vent-y than anything.  I'm just annoyed.  Why do people think that it's appropriate to say that?  For the sake of this turning into an actual discussion, have you ever gotten any comments like this?  How did you respond?

NYCBruin

How rude!!  I'm so sorry you had someone say that to you so close to the wedding.  Or really at all because that sort of comment is always obnoxious.

I only had someone say something like that once and just responded with something like "well thank god relationships are complex and boil down to more than statistics." And then walked away.

Also, I remember reading an article a few months back about how that stat is a bunch of BS anyways.  I wish I could find it.  I'll look later this afternoon.  But basically the article talked about how the 50% stat is estimated/calculated and the methodology is pretty flawed.  Then it went on to say how there haven't been any studies done that actually track marriages and whether they end in divorce or not.

wittykitty14

NYCBruin said:

How rude!!  I'm so sorry you had someone say that to you so close to the wedding.  Or really at all because that sort of comment is always obnoxious.

I only had someone say something like that once and just responded with something like "well thank god relationships are complex and boil down to more than statistics." And then walked away.

Also, I remember reading an article a few months back about how that stat is a bunch of BS anyways.  I wish I could find it.  I'll look later this afternoon.  But basically the article talked about how the 50% stat is estimated/calculated and the methodology is pretty flawed.  Then it went on to say how there haven't been any studies done that actually track marriages and whether they end in divorce or not.

That's awesome!  I may use this....

KDM323

I'd turn it around on him if he says anything again.

Ask him when his opinion on marriage changed...since he's been married twice already and all.

AddieCake

That is pretty inappropriate. 

Simply Fated

Is he bitter because he couldn't make it work twice?
There is no shame in divorce, but he should be ashamed for what he said to you.

wittykitty14

@SimplyFated-I think he is bitter.  He actually gave me some decent advice a few months ago.  He said "Never forget why you love each other", which I thought was appropriate (unsolicited, but still a fine thing to say).  Then he told me that with his first wife, she apparently forgot, but he never did.  Sounds like he really never got over her, which is sad. 

I'm glad you all think that it wasn't ok for him to say that.  I never bring up the wedding around him, and usually keep the conversation as short as possible when he mentions it.  It's just an odd thing to say, when he doesn't even know me all that well and has never met FI.  Hopefully he doesn't say anything like that again.

Peaseblossom55

Wow pretty rude. I haven't gotten any of those comments luckily.

RamonaFlowers

Even of those numbers were accurate (which they aren't, like PP said, it's way more complex than just "50% of all marriages end in divorce period"), the there's still a 50% chance yours will last ...so, um, pretty good odds in your favor, I'd think.

Anyway, it's incredibly rude for people to say stuff like like, but it's apparently there are many people out there that think it's socially acceptable to tell an engaged person that their marriage is doomed for no reason other than what these "statistics" say.

manateehugger

Not exactly the same, but there's a lady I work with who occasionally likes to tell me that she doesn't believe in marriage, that it is an archaic institution designed to subjugate women, blah blah blah.

I always just say "Sorry you feel that way. I look at it as a lifelong partnership. I also don't feel all the subjugated."

chellekel

xcalygrl said:

That dude needs to take a step back.

I did kind of get this once when H and I first got engaged. My mom doesn't support marriage anymore. She was married for 27 years when my dad just left. She is somewhat bitter over the whole thing. She has advocated since he left for us to never get married. She told us to: find a nice guy, live with him, create a life with him, but don't marry him. You don't have to be married to have a family and a great life. Ok Mom.

Well, I called her first after H proposed. This was our coversation:
Me: "Mom, H proposed to me."
Mom: "What did you say?"
Me: "Yes!"
Mom: "Why?"

But she did support us getting married after the initial shock. And she is happy that I'm happy, so she's warmed up to the idea that I'm married now.

ETA: Take out a name.

I don't understand this logic.  If I lived with someone for 27, or even 5 years, and built a life with them that may or may not include children.  I would be just as heartbroken if my partner left whether or not we were married.

NYCBruin

Another potential response, "If you're going to be rude, at least base it on an actual fact."  And then email him this article: http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/whats-divorce-rate

It's not the article I was thinking about.  I was too lazy to scroll through more than a few Google results, but it has the same basic argument.

NonosGirl

A similar thing happened to me at work but I've been divorced so it was more like "Wow, you are crazy enough to do that again? Seems pretty stupid." I was so mad but I didn't have an opportunity to respond because I was rushing off to a meeting. It's probably a good thing because the guy who said it is not someone I'm very fond of and I may have just lost it on him.

wittykitty14

Thanks for all the tips!  I just hope that he doesn't bring it up again.  This guy really doesn't know that much about me, except that he knows my brother well.  Props to my brother for helping steer clear of that particular discussion.  It's just frustrating.  I'm not letting it get to me, because there's no reason to give any thought to what he said.  But still, grrr.  Thanks for letting me let this out

ETA: Just told my FI, and he isn't exactly pleased.  I think he's just as confused as I am, because it's not this guy's business

southernbelle0915

Aw, witty! Don't let the haters bring you down. 

My favorite is when people find out I'm getting married and they say "good luck!" Whoa, am I going to need it?

winelover123

I had a friend of a friend tell me that I'm too young to get married and I'm making a huge mistake and young marriages usually break up after a few years. My friend stuck up for me, which was nice.

I just walked away while she was talking. I don't have good come backs, but walking away (even if it's just to go to the restroom) seems to work. They drop whatever subject it is by the time I come back.

PandPMeant2B

I had something like this happen to me the day after I got engaged.  FI and I were on a friend's boat with two other couples celebrating.  One couple is married, the other isn't, but both have been married previously.  I overheard the single friend say to the married one things like "another one bites the dust" and "don't do it!" I tried to ignore it, but it really bothered me.  Seriously? I JUST got engaged and already you're making comments about how bad marriage is?! I'm sorry your marriage wasn't meant to last, but think about how you felt right before you got married... Would you EVER want to be the one to take that feeling away for someone else?  It's easy to tell yourself to just ignore the stupid comments, but when they're coming from someone you're actually close to, it's really hard. So I told her even though I knew she was kidding, she was being a real buzzkill, and she has never said anything like that again.

I've had quite a few people make similar comments, unfortunately. I find if you try to tell the person they're wrong, you'll just get the "Wait and see." or "You're still naive." responses. Fact is, you can't argue with crazy. If they're convinced marriage is stupid or the act of getting married is what ruins relationships, that's their sad truth. Take that frustration and do some fun wedding stuff!

monkeysip

StageManager14 said:

@chellekel - I don't really get it either. I think it more had to do with the actual divorce proceedings. All the filings, mediations, and stuff like that. It especially makes no sense in Texas because we are a common law state. Even if we never got legally married, after a certain amount of time and actions (joint bills, presenting ourselves as husband and wife, etc.) we would have to go through almost the same things as a divorce because of common law.

This is actually a myth. Common law marriages do not just happen after a certain amount of time. You still have to petition for it and be granted it by a judge. You could live together for 25 years and then split one day and go your separate ways without any fuss.

I've always been really confused by this.  If you have to petition for it and be granted it by a judget, why not just actually get married by a judge?  What's the difference?

Also, my BIL and his girlfriend/wife say they're common law married, but they've never been to the court or anything to do anything.  They've just lived together a long time.  It's not my business, and I'm not judging either way, but I was always curious if that's how it works and they really are automatically married.

PandPMeant2B

Harry87 said:

I had something like this happen to me the day after I got engaged.  FI and I were on a friend's boat with two other couples celebrating.  One couple is married, the other isn't, but both have been married previously.  I overheard the single friend say to the married one things like "another one bites the dust" and "don't do it!" I tried to ignore it, but it really bothered

In defense of that, H and I just attended a pre- wedding party for some friends of our's, and on the envelope of the card we bought I put "Another One Bites The Dust" and drew a fist-pumping Freddy Mercury with confetti. 

Totally fine in that context! And if that were the only comment she made, I might have let it go.  Unfortunately, the negative comments didn't stop there. Yours was obviously all in good fun.

rel1988

I was expecting the D-Word to be douche...

In our first pre-marraige counseling our Pastor told us to completely elimate divorce from our vocabulary. Besides horrible reasons which I find excusable (infidelity, abuse, etc) a lot of people of I feel like just dont give it 200% when things are rough. Which is sad. I'd be willing to bet that 50% statistic is a little higher than usual.

Sorry your co-worker is a bitter, burned douche.

monkeysip

There's so much wrong in that statistic.  They were calculating by simply looking at number of divorces and number of marriages per year.  They weren't actually following a large sample of marriages over 30+ years to see which ones lasted.

The statistic really doesn't account for how being divorced once greatly increases your chances for future divorces (which may very well be more of a correlation than causation.  This is no offense to anyone who is divorced since there are plenty of people who are divorced and are able to make their next marriage work for a long, happy lifetime.  But I think "serial divorcers" probably have a lot of the same risk factors for divorce).

Either way, I can't help but think that it's thoughts like that "Oh, well marriage will probably just end in divorce" that just perpetuates the ruthless cycles of a declining faith in marriage--> divorce.  If you don't have as much confidence in marriage as an institution, it doesn't seem like you're going to work as hard to make it work.  That's just a general observation, but I'm not trying to say that divorce always happens because people "give up".  Obviously that's not the case for many, many divorces.

Dreamergirl8812

"So for every person who gets divorced, one stays married. Hmmmm, since you've been divorced twice, I must be twice as likely to stay married!"

LuckyAloha

I posted a pic of my girlfriend and I with our engagement rings on facebook, since we got engaged within days of each other, and somebody said,"Well since the divorce rate is 50% I put my money on.."  Not funny.

rel1988

I posted a pic of my girlfriend and I with our engagement rings on facebook, since we got engaged within days of each other, and somebody said,"Well since the divorce rate is 50% I put my money on.."  Not funny.

 

Say whaaaaa?!?! That's ridiculous.

wittykitty14

LuckyLucke said:

I posted a pic of my girlfriend and I with our engagement rings on facebook, since we got engaged within days of each other, and somebody said,"Well since the divorce rate is 50% I put my money on.."  Not funny.

WOW.  That's AWFUL.

BostonGIrl4732

I'm just going to sit here shaking my head judging people who say things like that to an engaged person.

rel1988

When I got engaged one of my friends literally told me "I'm happy for you but you've only been together a year. We've been together over 4. You shouldv'e waited because it should have been me first."

s-aries8990

Whelp, there certainly isn't a shortage of assholes in this world.

easilyunamused

I don't know why people think because their relationships failed, or their parents divorced or they come from a long line of divorces that they are experts in your relationship. No two are alike. And what works in some, doesn't work in others.

When people say thing like that to me I feel bad for them. They'll never know what it's like to be in love, because they are too damn cynical to really let themselves be vulnerable to someone.

Jean0715

That sucks. I get it a lot from coworkers. We both work in EMS which where we're from has a high divorce and infidelity rate. To them I usually just laugh and say, "Well there won't be a divorce. We're going to solve it like the Hunger Games. We're both going into the woods and only one of us is coming out...winner takes all." Generally that produces a laugh and I walk away and ignore them. 

I also am getting the "most marriages end in divorce" talk from my PARENTS. They are in the middle of a nasty divorce and neither of them know how to keep their comments to themselves. I have pretty limited contact with them now (my choice), but when they do make a comment like that (which happens really often) I just say, "We'll thank god I'm learning from all your mistakes." 

All in all if someone is rude enough to bring up the idea of divorce, then its completely ok to be a bit nasty back. IMO. 

Lets hope that was the first and the last comment you'll hear like that.  

LuckyAloha

@rel, @wittykitty Right!!??  I mean, this girl is pretty outspoken but still it really pissed me off, I had to read it a couple times to believe it.