Wedding Etiquette Forum

Gifts for the Parents when Groom's Dad was never there growing up...

My parents are still married and were very active in my life.  My fiance's father cheated on his mother, divorced her and left the family when he was very young. His father has been remarried 3 times since, starting new families with each one.  He was not an active father even when his parents were married.  Now that his dad is older and has a new wife- they are trying to be in our lives more.  The problem is that his dad's wife does not understand that my fiance and her husband haven't been close for over 20 years and things don't always magically work out on their own.  She has a skewed view of what happened in the past.  My FMIL raised my FI and his brother on her own- working 2 jobs to make ends meet.  At our rehersal dinner we want to honor my parents and his mother, but it is really difficult for him to entertain the idea of putting his father in the same category given the circumstances.  What should we do for gifts?  I feel like we need to present them with something, but I am not sure what is appropriate.  Any ideas would be welcome!

Re: Gifts for the Parents when Groom's Dad was never there growing up...

  • Why not honor them privately? You can give a thank you toast to all of the parents at the dinner, but give the gifts privately.
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  • I think I agree with alluscud.  You can give a toast to the parents at the dinner and then give them a gift separately.  Always remember this is your wedding and if his father wasn't there and he doesn't feel as if he should be recognized then he shouldn't.  It should not matter what his wife thinks are says.  BTW, gifts are not required to be given to the parents (I just found this out myself) but if you want to give them something, you can make them an photo album of you and your FI, engagement pics, maybe pics from younger years, and then leave room for wedding pictures.
  • I do like the idea of honoring them in private and also the idea of pictures as gifts.  I know it will be emotional for both mothers and my dad.  Should the groommen and bridesmaid gifts be done in private also?  (Thank you for the ideas)

  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2013
    Give the other parents their gifts privately. At the rehearsal dinner, you can honor all of your parents with a toast.

    Up to you whether you want to present wedding party gifts publicly or privately, but I personally prefer when it's done privately.
  • I agree - private gifts.

    Based on your OP it seems as though if his dad's new wife saw the other gifts, she would say something to someone, hurting FI and his dad's feelings.
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  • Do a collective toast to the parents at the rehearsal dinner, but distribute the gifts to each in private.  Your FI's father doesn't have to receive a gift of equal value with the other parents, but it shouldn't be possible for him to compare.
  • Ditto PPs. No need to make it awkward and hurt feelings by doing it in public. 
  • We had a very similar situation at our wedding - we would have happily honored my mother and DH's mom and step-dad at the rehearsal dinner, but he's simply not as close to his dad and step-mom due to their seeming inability to return phone calls, apparent lack of desire to ever see him, etc. We gave gifts to each set of parents in private - I gave to my mom and he gave to his mom/SD and dad/SM. I know both moms really appreciated this - they got to hug their child and have a private moment with me/him.

    We also did our bridal party gifts in private (when we were getting our hair done and while he and his side were getting their boutonnieres respectively).
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  • We also had a similar situation, but with my dad.  My folks have been divorced for almost 30 years, my dad remarried and has a second family.  He wasn't exactly Father of Year.  He also caused a bit of drama prior to the wedding.

    I decided that a simple gift card to a restaurant and note thanking him for being there was sufficient.  We did give all the gifts publicly at the RD.

     

  • I am going to give my maids gifts the day of the wedding while we are getting ready in private. That way nobody feels uncomfortable opening or not receiving a gift.  I think the last two weddings I was in we got our gifts privately but it is up to you. 
  • We did gifts together but EVERYONE got a gift and they were all the same value.  We spent the same budgets on our parents and on each of our bridal party members.  They were all in attendance at our rehearsal dinner so we handed them out there.  However; in your situation, I would definitely hand out gifts in private.

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    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

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