Ex-wife woes :'( ...

cjeanmaq

I'm not sure if this can even be resolved, but I really need to vent.  My FI's ex-wife is really going out of her way to make him miserable about remarrying. He tells me that he has been separated from her since 1996 and they got divorced in 2005.  During the separation she moved to NC with their 4 children.  He is a wonderful father and loves his children very much, so this has always been a sore spot for him.  

She got engaged in 2011.  We recently got engaged this past April, and since then she is not allowing his kids to visit (of course they are not allowed to come to wedding), and they have joint custody in the divorce decree.  But oddly enough she still has his last name to this very day even with everything going on.  

His eldest son lives with us, and we have a good relationship.  No one wants to drag the matter through the court system.  With everything going on my FI walks around our place heartbroken.  I hate to see him this way.  I hate the fact that the kids are in the middle of this mess.  This should be a happy time for us.  Just don't know what to do.

MobKaz

"She got engaged in 2011.  We recently got engaged this past April, and since then she is not allowing his kids to visit (of course they are not allowed to come to wedding), and they have joint custody in the divorce decree."

If they have joint custody, shouldn't all visitations be spelled out in their legal documents? Seeing the children should not be up to the whims of the ex-wife; it should be a matter of record.  The whole point of drawing up these documents is to avoid confrontation, and retain objectivity.  The issue shouldn't have to be "dragged out in a court system".  The ex-wife is either in compliance, or is held liable.  Your documents are there to serve and protect you.  Those documents are also meant to protect the children and NOT put them in the middle.  If you choose not to use the law to benefit and assist you and your FI, there really is nothing else to do.

right1thistime

mobkaz said: Those documents are also meant to protect the children and NOT put them in the middle.  If you choose not to use the law to benefit and assist you and your FI, there really is nothing else to do.

Exactly this^

While your Fi has an Xwife problem, the kids have a Dad problem.  It's his responsibility to do everything possible to see his kids.  That includes the courts if he has no other option.  Otherwise the kids will see (& probably will hear) that he doesn't care.  ~Donna

MrsH86

I might be a little confused with what you posted, but I have joint custody of my daughter, so I know that she legally cannot keep the kids away from their dad during his designated time. I am not sure if you have set your wedding date, but if you want the kids to be there, then try to set the date during a time when he has them. If she is getting married also, perhaps you could try reaching out to her and telling her that you want the kids to be able to be at both weddings because it will be such a big part of their lives. I hope it all works out for you!

clg1213

RetreadBride said:

Fight for the visitation, and to have the kids there.  What she is doing is unfair to them.  It's terrible to separate children from their parents.

Agreed.  Go enforce the custody agreement. 

And the kids don't have to know about the court battle (when I was young, there was a $$$ battle and I didn't know until I was much older).  In another situation, I'd think she might tell them, but I doubt she wants to say "Your Dad is dragging me to court in order to see you"...doesn't make her look good and shows that he's fighting for them and loves them

ShellD13

The last name thing is kind of typical - especially since they have children together.  It is much easier for her to establish who she is when talking to the kid's teachers, schools, doctors, etc if she still has the same last name as them.  I wouldn't expect her to change it...as difficult as it might be to accept there is nothing that says she is required to change when they get divorced.

WildMagelet

The last thing isn't absurd considering they have children together.

You said they separated in 1996 - how old is the youngest child?  

Your FI should be asking the courts to enforce his custody arrangement is she's breaking it.  It would have all been spelled out in the divorce degree.  If she isn't breaking the arrangement, he should take her back to court for a modification so he can see his children more.

Also, I saw that you're getting married on an 8-day cruise in the middle of December.  Is the cruise ship leaving the country?  I know some custody arrangements don't allow the minor children to leave the country without both parents.  Others are strict in not allowing the children to miss school for visitation purposes.  What are your plans for the children after the wedding during your "honeymoon" portion of your cruise?  Does she give you a reason why she won't allow the children to attend the wedding? Would she be willing to allow the children to attend the wedding if she were able to accompany them on board the ship?  You're going to be paying for the kids to go on the cruise if she lets them go anyways, if it were me I would try and see if I could fund part of the cruise for her if it meant getting FIs kids to be able to come to the wedding.