Save The Date Is Already Out...

cmalork

So, I think I know the answer but I wanted to get some outside opinions on what you all would do in this case.

My FI and I decided that we would invite a few co-workers each to our wedding. While my co-workers are great and all, my FI is dealing with one that is not the nicest person in the world and likes to think she runs the place and feels she has the right to yell at him and degrade him on a daily basis in person and through email. He is currently on a vacation weekend with the guys (which he requested off months in advance and was approved by the owner of the company) and is getting emails from her and others saying he should not have taken vacation and that it is rude for him to be gone and are genuinely upset at him. Mind you, others have taken vacation including the woman who is yelling at him. None of the ride emails are coming from the owner or his boss, just other sales co-workers. To make this story short, she was one of the 3 people from his office invited to the wedding. STDs have gone out already. Would you not send an invitation now since she is being so rude and degrading or how would you handle the situation? I know this is my FI's co-worker and not mine, but he is asking me for advice on this one. I am pretty sure I know the answer to tell him (the STD has gone out so the invite has to as well), but I wanted an outside opinion since I do not do well with people degrading my FI.

itzMS

cmalork said:

So, I think I know the answer but I wanted to get some outside opinions on what you all would do in this case.

My FI and I decided that we would invite a few co-workers each to our wedding. While my co-workers are great and all, my FI is dealing with one that is not the nicest person in the world and likes to think she runs the place and feels she has the right to yell at him and degrade him on a daily basis in person and through email. He is currently on a vacation weekend with the guys (which he requested off months in advance and was approved by the owner of the company) and is getting emails from her and others saying he should not have taken vacation and that it is rude for him to be gone and are genuinely upset at him. Mind you, others have taken vacation including the woman who is yelling at him. None of the ride emails are coming from the owner or his boss, just other sales co-workers. To make this story short, she was one of the 3 people from his office invited to the wedding. STDs have gone out already. Would you not send an invitation now since she is being so rude and degrading or how would you handle the situation? I know this is my FI's co-worker and not mine, but he is asking me for advice on this one. I am pretty sure I know the answer to tell him (the STD has gone out so the invite has to as well), but I wanted an outside opinion since I do not do well with people degrading my FI.

Sorry, STD=Invitation.

Your FI should probably arrange for some sort of mediation with this coworker and resolve their issues in the workplace.

I find it kind of funny that you two sent her a STD in the first place if she's such a bitch.

Kate61487

As you know the etiquette answer is: yes, you need to still invite her.

Un-inviting her will piss her off and probably make your FI look bad.  What would the climate in his office be like if he un-invited her?  is it really worth possibly making the work environment more toxic for her to *maybe* come to your wedding where you will only have to see her for two minutes?

Unrelated to your wedding if I was your FI I'd be talking to someone about this.  HR, a supervisor, someone.  If she's harassing him via email he should be saving them all and reporting her unprofessional behavior.

cmalork

Well, she wasn't a total bitch when he decided to invite her I am guessing. I believe this is all a new development. But I agree that he needs to sit down and have a discussion with her and his boss regarding her attitude towards others in the workplace.

vineheart137

You hit it on the head - you've sent the STD so she needs to receive an invite. I guess I'm just wondering why she received one in the first place? Was she not rude and degrading BEFORE she received the invite? 

Edited to fix grammar.

cmalork

Kate61487 said:

As you know the etiquette answer is: yes, you need to still invite her.

Un-inviting her will piss her off and probably make your FI look bad.  What would the climate in his office be like if he un-invited her?  is it really worth possibly making the work environment more toxic for her to *maybe* come to your wedding where you will only have to see her for two minutes?

Unrelated to your wedding if I was your FI I'd be talking to someone about this.  HR, a supervisor, someone.  If she's harassing him via email he should be saving them all and reporting her unprofessional behavior.

Well the environment is already pretty toxic from what I am told, but it would probably make it worse. I would only have to see her for a few minutes so it would not be too bad.

Unrelated, I agree. He has saved all the emails and I think he will be discussing this with HR and his boss when he gets back into town. It is getting out of hand... I mean, he is on an approved vacay for crying out loud!

cmalork

shaylovessly said:

You hit it on the head - you've sent the STD so she needs to receive an invite. I guess I'm just wondering why she received one in the first place? Was she not rude and degrading BEFORE she received the invite? 

Edited to fix grammar.

I am guessing this is a newer development in the work place. And started when he decided to take the vacation. I have met her and she has always been super sweet to me... I just don't do well with people talking down to people I love.

vineheart137

If she's normally a nice person, then maybe something's going on with her and she's having a rough time and just taking it out on the wrong people. I agree with PPs, mediation is a pretty good step in the right direction. I hope everything works out! And as far as her sending any more e-mails about how he shouldn't have gone on vacation, I would just send a quick e-mail back - "This vacation was approved months in advance by -boss-, if you have an issue with that then I'm more than happy to meet with you and -boss- when I get back so we can figure out how to avoid this situation in the future. See you in -however many days-."

cmalork

shaylovessly said:

If she's normally a nice person, then maybe something's going on with her and she's having a rough time and just taking it out on the wrong people. I agree with PPs, mediation is a pretty good step in the right direction. I hope everything works out! And as far as her sending any more e-mails about how he shouldn't have gone on vacation, I would just send a quick e-mail back - "This vacation was approved months in advance by -boss-, if you have an issue with that then I'm more than happy to meet with you and -boss- when I get back so we can figure out how to avoid this situation in the future. See you in -however many days-."

I love that email idea! From what I am told by my FI and another co-worker that is also invited from his workplace, she has been there so long that she think she needs to run stuff. I guess it has just gotten worse lately.

BlondieBia21

Has her attitude changed since the STD was sent out, or has she always behaved that way? If she always has, I don't believe she would be someone that I'd want at my wedding. 

A STD does mean invite. I think if you didn't send her one, it would just give her more fuel to make things bad. Maybe she will choose not to come. If she is that rude, I don't see why she'd want to go in the first place. Your FI needs to bring this situation up to his HR and show the emails. Hopefully he hasn't corresponded with the hateful emails. 

MayberryAfterMidnight

Ugh, I'm sorry your FI has to deal with this. Ditto what PPs have said about saving correspondence and possibly discussing this with HR. Also ditto that you need to send an invite. It will make you and your FI the bigger people, and she may not even come. If she does come, you and FI don't have to spend more than a minute with her at the actual wedding - thank her for coming and leave it at that. Regardless of what happens with the wedding, though, I hope things start to improve for your FI at work...or - if he can and it's bad enough - he might want to consider a job change.

Belle2188

You have to invite her now that the STD has gone out, but honestly, if he liked her enough to invite her before now, is it possible that she's just stressed at work?  She's wrong to take it out on your FI and by no means am I defending her, but if he's in sales, assuming he works on a quarterly system it's currently the last week in the quarter and this is really bad timing for him to be out of the office.

Send her an invite, but he should definitely reach out to HR and/or his supervisor for mediation when he gets back.

LavenderHoneyBee

Too late now to uninvite, but he can certainly try to mend the relationship with her. 

For future reference for other brides, I don't recommend sending STDs to coworkers - who knows if you'll still be working with them when the wedding comes around. If you would invite them regardless, that's fine, but if they are people you would solely invite bc they are coworkers then hold off and just send an invite. 

cmalork

BlondieBia21 said:

Has her attitude changed since the STD was sent out, or has she always behaved that way? If she always has, I don't believe she would be someone that I'd want at my wedding. 

A STD does mean invite. I think if you didn't send her one, it would just give her more fuel to make things bad. Maybe she will choose not to come. If she is that rude, I don't see why she'd want to go in the first place. Your FI needs to bring this situation up to his HR and show the emails. Hopefully he hasn't corresponded with the hateful emails. 

From the way it seems this type of attitude is toward anyone who is not the office and working. I know he has not responded back (no matter how much he wants to), but this will be something he will be bringing up to HR.

cmalork

MayberryAfterMidnight said:

Ugh, I'm sorry your FI has to deal with this. Ditto what PPs have said about saving correspondence and possibly discussing this with HR. Also ditto that you need to send an invite. It will make you and your FI the bigger people, and she may not even come. If she does come, you and FI don't have to spend more than a minute with her at the actual wedding - thank her for coming and leave it at that. Regardless of what happens with the wedding, though, I hope things start to improve for your FI at work...or - if he can and it's bad enough - he might want to consider a job change.

He is definitely considering a job change at the point! But you are right, a thank you and that would be it.

cmalork

Belle2188 said:

You have to invite her now that the STD has gone out, but honestly, if he liked her enough to invite her before now, is it possible that she's just stressed at work?  She's wrong to take it out on your FI and by no means am I defending her, but if he's in sales, assuming he works on a quarterly system it's currently the last week in the quarter and this is really bad timing for him to be out of the office.

Send her an invite, but he should definitely reach out to HR and/or his supervisor for mediation when he gets back.

I am not sure how his company works in regards to sales, but I know she has acted like this towards others when they are on vacation and out of the office.