Wedding Etiquette Forum

Dry Wedding Etiquette?

my boyfriend and i aren't engaged yet, but we're already planning (financial reasons), and we've decided to have a dry wedding. it makes senses for us because neither of us drink very much, we're paying for the entirety of the wedding ourselves and alcohol is a HUGE expense, and there are recovering alcoholics in my family.

we're planning a winter wedding, so we're considering the possibility of having hot chocolate, coffee, and hot "cider" instead of a bar, as well as sparkling grape juice for those who (like me) prefer cold drinks even in winter. so it's not like we won't have alternatives.

i'm prepared for the snarky comments that will likely arise from this, although the inevitable "so, when's the baby due?" is going to annoy me no matter who/where it comes from. i'll have a hard time keeping myself from responding with "are you saying i look fat in my wedding dress?!".

my question is this: do we announce it to the guests prior to the wedding in some way (on the menu going out with the invitation, for example), do we tell our parents and bridal party and let the word circulate that way, or do we just not say anything?
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Re: Dry Wedding Etiquette?

  • You say nothing.

    Nobody is entitled to alcohol, and for them to complain about the lack of it would be rude on their part.  They may choose to leave early, but that reflects on them, not you.
  • Don't say anything. If your guests do, shame on them. A dry wedding is fine.
  • Thanks Jen. I have to say, that's what I was thinking. If they really care about us, they'll enjoy whatever we do, right?
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  • Exactly.  Best wishes!
  • If you have agreed to get married and are planning a wedding, you are engaged.  A ring and proposal is not the definition of engaged.

    You don't have to announce it or warn people.  Just know your audience.  Not everyone will stay late and dance at a dry wedding, so be careful if that's the vibe you're expecting.  Many people choose to do dry weddings at brunch or afternoon, because people are less likely to expect alcohol during the day.  On the other hand, in some groups, dry events are totally common, and people expect to dance the night away without cocktails.  Just know your guest list.  
  • 1. If you're planning, you're engaged. 
    2. Why would people ask you when the baby is due? Are you assuming they'll assume you're pregnant?  
    3. No need to announce it's a dry wedding. There's nothing wrong with a dry wedding, but wanting limited alcohol is one of the reasons we opted for a morning ceremony with lunch reception. It definitely lessens the expectation of it (in some circles). 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • PPs have the advice covered, but I wanted to say your beverage choices sound yummy! I wanted cider at our August wedding until FI convinced me that was ridiculous.
  • ally91ally91 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Say nothing. People shouldn't say anything. The only person who said anything to me was my dad, and it was a total joke that after walking his first (of 3) girls down the aisle he'd need a drink from somewhere.
    Soon-to-be Mrs. Kent
  • Say nothing- but in addition to coffee, hot chocolate, and cider, I'd have regular soda for people who might want that, depending on the time of day.  And don't send a menu with the invitations, that really isn't necessary.
  • AddieL73 said:
    1. If you're planning, you're engaged. 
    2. Why would people ask you when the baby is due? Are you assuming they'll assume you're pregnant?  
    3. No need to announce it's a dry wedding. There's nothing wrong with a dry wedding, but wanting limited alcohol is one of the reasons we opted for a morning ceremony with lunch reception. It definitely lessens the expectation of it (in some circles). 
    It's amazing how many people assume that if you aren't drinking, you are pregnant.  I don't drink and it seems like every time I say "no thanks" when I am out with a group, at least one person asks me if I'm expecting.  It's insanely irritating.
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  • Thanks everyone.

    Well, let me rather say that we're "undercover-engaged". We're not announcing our intentions just yet, because our families are rather opinionated and we'd rather not deal with the "you're too young"/"it's too soon"/"long engagements are silly" drama right now.
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  • Yea I would also suggest offering water and sodas as well. Of your options, I wouldn't drink any of them and I'm not all that picky.

    I would also advise you to elope if you are so convinced your whole family isn't going to support you. Or ya know, give your family a chance to care by telling them? Yea that one
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • urbaneca said:
    Thanks everyone.

    Well, let me rather say that we're "undercover-engaged". We're not announcing our intentions just yet, because our families are rather opinionated and we'd rather not deal with the "you're too young"/"it's too soon"/"long engagements are silly" drama right now.
    I think you should tell them. I think they'd appreciate hearing the engagement will be long if they feel you are too young or it's too soon. I'm not a big fan of big secrets. They eventually come out and people get hurt.
  • I'm having a dry wedding as well, and had the same question.  Ultimately, we decided not to be "upfront" about it being a dry wedding, (No note of it on the website).  But we've told a fair amount of people by word-of-mouth.  It's worked out very well for us so far!  
  • I'm having a dry wedding as well, and had the same question.  Ultimately, we decided not to be "upfront" about it being a dry wedding, (No note of it on the website).  But we've told a fair amount of people by word-of-mouth.  It's worked out very well for us so far!  
    We are doing the same. It's worked out well too. Our reception will end early (by 7 pm) and some of my family are going to invite everyone who would like to join them to meet at a local place for drinks and continued visiting.
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  • KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    Thank you for your input, StageManager14, but I have to respectfully disagree.

    We recently relocated cross-country for his work, I'm still looking for a job and learning to drive, we're living with his parents until we can find a place we can afford, and there's enough tension and drama going on from all that.

    We've spoken about it, in a rational and mature way, and come to the decision that is best for us and our relationship in our current situation.

    It's really not a matter of keeping it secret, it's just that we don't feel it's necessary to formally announce it right this very minute. We will most likely clue everyone in once we're settled in our own place.

    EDIT: Perhaps I should mention that we're both 27, given that my comment about learning to drive could lead to the assumption that I'm 16-18.
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  • I like the hot beverage options you are offering but a few more cold ones would be nice. I'm just thinking that if I were a guest at your wedding, if you have good music I'm still going to be dancing the night away and something cold while dancing would be great and sparkling cider might not quite quench that thirst.
  • Both his parents and mine were 30 when they married. A friend of mine (same age as us) got married recently and my mom commented that she thought they were too young. So while it's not guaranteed that they'd say we're too young, there is a definite possibility. Not that it really matters, I just would rather deal with what's in front of me now first.

    We're definitely not going to be putting down deposits on anything or sending out invitations until we're financially stable. When I say we're planning it's actually more like we're looking at things we like and trying to put together a rough budget so we have a savings goal to aim for. Also, if I know what we're working towards then if I find anything along the way that I can get ahead of time, I can get it together a bit at a time and put it away so the costs are spread out over a longer period. A little each month, rather than everything all at once. Does that make sense?

    All our wedding stationery, décor, favours etc will be DIY, so those are things I can start gathering bit by bit. My best friend's younger sister is a fashion designer who has already said she'll make my dress and the MOH's dress for us at a very reasonable price, when the time comes. All the men involved have suits already (we don't particularly care if they all match exactly, as long as they're black). His uncle will perform the ceremony and his mom will make the cake (both decisions made by the family before we even met, so not actually related to our engagement/planning/whatever). We're not having fresh flowers because of the time of year. So our major costs are really going to be venue (unless we manage to convince a family friend to let us use her farm) and catering.

    I'll probably end up wearing trainers under my dress, because I wear a size 9 (US size 11) which is not a standard size locally, so I'd have to get shoes made or imported, which seems a ridiculous waste of money to me.

    Honestly, I wanted to elope and be done with it, but he says his family would probably disown him if we did that.
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  • Bravo for hosting the wedding you can afford and not asking your guests to open their wallets for anything (i.e. cash bar)!! I think your plan sounds really nice - but along with others, I would also offer water and soda. Your specialty drinks sound very seasonally appropriate and cute. 

    You do not need to announce that you're having a dry wedding. If you have big drinkers in your circle, you can let them know by word of mouth.
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  • thanks, southernbelle0915. i'm very sensitive about the money issue; i was in a wedding a couple of years ago for which i ended up spending more than 2 months salary on my attire, the engagement, bridal shower, and wedding gifts, the bachelorette party (which we had to pay to attend), the bridal party spa day, and assorted other costs - only to then be faced with a cash bar on the day...

    there will, of course, be water and other soft drinks. i wouldn't dream of hosting any kind of party without them!
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  • We had a dry wedding as well and didn't mention it to anybody. Everyone that knows us knows we don't drink, and neither of our families are big drinkers either so we didn't think it was necessary (nor could we have afforded) to drop another couple grand at the very least for alcohol. No need to tell anybody or explain your choices.

    Your beverage choices sound very cute! You're going to have a great time!
    urbaneca said:
    thanks, southernbelle0915. i'm very sensitive about the money issue; i was in a wedding a couple of years ago for which i ended up spending more than 2 months salary on my attire, the engagement, bridal shower, and wedding gifts, the bachelorette party (which we had to pay to attend), the bridal party spa day, and assorted other costs - only to then be faced with a cash bar on the day...

    there will, of course, be water and other soft drinks. i wouldn't dream of hosting any kind of party without them!
    Just in case you were not aware, the ONLY things the bridal party is required to pay for is their attire for the day of. So if you get caught in that situation in the future, feel free to say no to paying for all the extras, especially if the bride was not upfront about what exactly she expected you to pay for from the beginning. I could never spend two months salary to be a bridesmaid, unless maybe it was for my own sister.
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  • It sounds to me like you're engaged since you basically have every part of the day planned already (dresses, suits, cake, flowers, etc).  Like the PP said, a ring and formal proposal do not an engagement make.

    Since you've mentioned that your life is in transition with a move, job seeking, lack of support from family, and other 'drama', perhaps it's best to slow your roll a little bit and work on sorting through those details before you begin planning a wedding?  It's fun a distracting to think about the details, but it can become a tremendous burden if you don't have the big stuff sorted out first.

    Pop on over to the "Not Engaged Yet" board.  Those ladies will have some great advice for you.  
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  • i will definitely head over to Not Engaged Yet in a bit.

    we're very lucky in that we're both very focused and know what we want, so it's really just a matter of executing it all. also lucky in that there really is only one choice for my MOH, and only one choice for the best man, and both our families know it - so at least we'll be spared that drama! we aren't having any other bridesmaids/groomsmen or attendants. and there isn't really anyone else involved in our planning - just the two of us.
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  • Just a hint that I got from the boards about a year ago when I was planning a dry wedding. Since "cocktails" imply alcohol, a "cocktail hour" i.e. a time of appetizers and drinks, but without alcohol is a "refreshment" hour.  Otherwise there is no need to call out a dry wedding. 

    OP congrats taking your relationship to the next step... Let your parents know about your relationship when you guys are ready. 
  • thanks for the tip! i will definitely keep that in mind when i'm wording things :)
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  • Congrats! I am having a dry wedding also. I am not advertising that it is dry. When asked I just say we chose not to serve alcohol. Most of the time this is a good enough anwser. For the few times I have needed more of an explanation I have told the truth and said, our venue does not have a liquor license.
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