"Can I bring a date?"

sjw6789

Allright. So everyone has started asking me this question. For the most part, I don't feel bad saying no. We have limited space (max 175 people) and I have no problem telling people that if they want to bring some random date. Our rule is no dates unless you're married, and we thought that was fair. The tough part is the people we know who have been dating for 3 or more years. Prime example; my fiance's cousin has been dating the same guy for about 7 or 8 years, and apparently they never want to get married, which kind of defies our rule. What do we say?

RamonaFlowers

sjw6789 said:

Allright. So everyone has started asking me this question. For the most part, I don't feel bad saying no. We have limited space (max 175 people) and I have no problem telling people that if they want to bring some random date. Our rule is no dates unless you're married, and we thought that was fair. The tough part is the people we know who have been dating for 3 or more years. Prime example; my fiance's cousin has been dating the same guy for about 7 or 8 years, and apparently they never want to get married, which kind of defies our rule. What do we say?

It's rude to not allow people to bring their s/o, and downright asinine the not allow it "because they aren't married yet". By that logic, if you or your FI were invited to a wedding by another bride that felt the same way you did right now, whoever was invited would be expected to fly solo for the night, because clearly you and your FI aren't "serious enough" or whatever to bring a date yet.

Are you seriously trying to say you wouldn't be offended if that happened to you?

banana468

sjw6789 said:

Allright. So everyone has started asking me this question. For the most part, I don't feel bad saying no. We have limited space (max 175 people) and I have no problem telling people that if they want to bring some random date. Our rule is no dates unless you're married, and we thought that was fair. The tough part is the people we know who have been dating for 3 or more years. Prime example; my fiance's cousin has been dating the same guy for about 7 or 8 years, and apparently they never want to get married, which kind of defies our rule. What do we say?

Just tell your guests your rule. I think you'll find that plenty of space will suddenly open up.

Seriously? You're not inviting those in established relationships unless they're already married? That's absolute crap. Figure out how you can make the space for anyone in an established relationship.

If you did that to me back when I was "only" dating or engaged to my DH I would not only decline the invitation but our friendship would be seriously damaged due to yiur rudeness.

kks4471

sjw6789 said:

Allright. So everyone has started asking me this question. For the most part, I don't feel bad saying no. We have limited space (max 175 people) and I have no problem telling people that if they want to bring some random date. Our rule is no dates unless you're married, and we thought that was fair. The tough part is the people we know who have been dating for 3 or more years. Prime example; my fiance's cousin has been dating the same guy for about 7 or 8 years, and apparently they never want to get married, which kind of defies our rule. What do we say?

You can tell your guests your "rule", and then they'll decline and talk about you behind your back.  I really hate the "no date unless you're married" rule.  It's not up to you to judge how serious someone is, and you have a prime example as to why that rule doesn't work.

mlg78

If you got a wedding invitation today and you weren't invited...just your fiancé was...wouldn't you feel pretty crappy?  I know I would...but that's what your rule does.

NYCMercedes

Invite spouses, fiances, and SO. They are not dates. You can choose to allow dates for truly single people.

JoanE2012

sjw6789 said:

Allright. So everyone has started asking me this question. For the most part, I don't feel bad saying no. We have limited space (max 175 people) and I have no problem telling people that if they want to bring some random date. Our rule is no dates unless you're married, and we thought that was fair. The tough part is the people we know who have been dating for 3 or more years. Prime example; my fiance's cousin has been dating the same guy for about 7 or 8 years, and apparently they never want to get married, which kind of defies our rule. What do we say?

Your rule is awful and incredibly rude.  You must extend +1 (by name) to anyone involved in a relationship.  You don't get to dictate how serious or not the relationship is.  The only time you can get away with not extending a +1 is if someone is not in any kind of relationship at all.

Peledreamsofrain

Excluding other peoples' significant others at an event to celebrate relationships is weird and counterintuitive.

Good approach to get people to feel slighted and refuse to come though, so... kudos there.

AddieCake

Again with this bullshit. 

It's incredibly rude to tell someone they cannot bring their significant other. You do not have to allow truly single people to bring a date,but to not allow people to bring someone they are in a relationship with is just being an asshole. You would seriously deny your cousin's relationship of EIGHT YEARS b/c it doesn't have the right label yet? 

misshart00

You realize that you wouldn't qualify to bring each other to your own wedding earlier that day, right?

MoonlightSilver

As someone who dated her now husband for 8 years before we got married.... I have a lot of things to say that would get me banned from this website.

Please, please, please invite everyone who has a significant other with their partner. It doesn't matter how long they've been dating. 

manateehugger

Have you also thought about couples who are just waiting to become engaged/married simply because of money or logistics?

FI and I have been together almost five years. We aren't married yet simply because he's waiting for me to finish grad school. If I had not gone to grad school, we probably would have been married almost two years ago.

Who are you to tell them that their relationship isn't significant enough because they haven't married yet?

Maggie0829

I am with you on this one MoonlightSilver.  H and I were together 8 years before we got engaged and then 9 before we made it official.  Seriously OP, invite all of your guests with their SOs no matter the length of their relationship.  If a guest is truly single then that is the only time it is ok to invite them alone.

MuppetOverlord

What a horrible thing to do to people you care enough to invite to your wedding.

Your rule is judgmental, hurtful, rude and rotten and will reflect on you justly.

If you want to correct this, you call up these people and invite their partners.

If someone did this to me it would permanently affect our relationship.

PrettyGirlLost

sjw6789 said:

Allright. So everyone has started asking me this question. For the most part, I don't feel bad saying no. We have limited space (max 175 people) and I have no problem telling people that if they want to bring some random date. Our rule is no dates unless you're married, and we thought that was fair. The tough part is the people we know who have been dating for 3 or more years. Prime example; my fiance's cousin has been dating the same guy for about 7 or 8 years, and apparently they never want to get married, which kind of defies our rule. What do we say?

Seriously, why is this even a question? 

You invite them together.  They are a couple.  They have been a couple for 8 years!

I dated my FI for 10 years before we became engaged, and we will have been together for almost 13 years by the time we get married. 

If you were my cousin and chose not to invite my FI because we are not married, I'd decline the invitation and be very hurt and pissed with you.

kmmssg

As everyone has already stated, your rule is incredibly rude.  Incredibly.

Also, you are planning this thing all backwards.  Want to avoid these problems?  Here is what you do:

1.  Set budget

2.  Make guest list with appropriate guests (spouses, FI's, SO's, regardless of ring status).

3.  Decide how to host that many people on your budget and find the venue that comfortably holds everyone.  Easy Peasy.  did it with all 3 of my daughters who have gone down the aisle.

sjw6789

Considering the theme of the day appears to be rudeness, it appears that all of these are perfectly valid points that could have been made in a more polite way. I was under the impression that this was a space where fellow brides could have adult discussions and share ideas in a positive manner. I have never been above admitting that I was wrong about this. If I was I would not have asked the question. Thank you to those who legitimately got me thinking about the issue, and my fiance and I will deal with it accordingly and make some changes.

That being said, to those who did nothing but insult and personally attack me, I suddenly find myself caring much less about the opinions of ignorant strangers who know nothing of my circumstances and my character. Furthermore, the prospect of getting into online catfights only seems like it would cut into my actual wedding planning time, so I'll be going.

I hope all of your weddings go smoothly and that you and your partners are very happy together for all the years afterward.

keochan

No one was rude. I'm not going to argue semantics with you but making an exception to your rule will not go over well. I've been with FI for 7 years, by your rule, we are not valid enough to be invited together. I would take serious offense to that, as would FI and it would seriously damage a friendship. We have a small budget and therefore a small guest list, but every single person with an SO will be invited as a couple. To expect people to come celebrate your love and relationship will you disrespect theirs is not cool.

PrettyGirlLost

misslobita

I agree with the above comments that you do need to invite SO/fiancés. However, I also think its polite to invite plus ones for your guests who may be single. Who knows if they will meet someone between you sending out your invites and your wedding? I may not have been able to invite absolutely everyone that I wanted, but I want my guests to feel comfortable and feel like they can bring a guest

MuppetOverlord

who was rude?

AddieCake

MuppetOverlord said:

who was rude?

Definitely me, I guess, seeing as how I got flagged. 

banana468

sjw6789 said:

Considering the theme of the day appears to be rudeness, it appears that all of these are perfectly valid points that could have been made in a more polite way. I was under the impression that this was a space where fellow brides could have adult discussions and share ideas in a positive manner. I have never been above admitting that I was wrong about this. If I was I would not have asked the question. Thank you to those who legitimately got me thinking about the issue, and my fiance and I will deal with it accordingly and make some changes.

That being said, to those who did nothing but insult and personally attack me, I suddenly find myself caring much less about the opinions of ignorant strangers who know nothing of my circumstances and my character. Furthermore, the prospect of getting into online catfights only seems like it would cut into my actual wedding planning time, so I'll be going.

I hope all of your weddings go smoothly and that you and your partners are very happy together for all the years afterward.

You're right.   If a board of complete strangers tells you that your plan was unspeakably rude, the appropriate response is to take your ball and go home.

OR, you could realize that your plan was ridiculously rude, say, "Wow, thanks for bringing light to my poor judgement.   I'll get on this and fix it right away," and then actually do that.

Oh, and since you DID come back to edit your post, I'll assume you've spent some time looking up the meaning of defy.    Good job!  

JessicaJupiter

Me and my fiancee have a rule for eachother, if only one of us is invited to a wedding then neither of us is going.

To me it is just rude. One view on it is that you are telling someone that whomever they are with (married or not) is not important enough to be allowed to accompany you to their wedding, or even that you are just too cheap to allow extra people.

Another point is that you are expecting someone to come to a big event alone. I have a social anxiety disorder and would never attend a wedding or big event unless I at least have a friend to stand with and talk to.

I do understand though that cost and space does come into effect with the decision on who to invite, but to many people it is a slap in the face to tell them they are coming alone. It is even enraging when you arrive to a wedding alone and see that there are extra seats from people that didn't show up... seats your date could have filled.

misssunshine17

Seriously, OP? You're being rude and you just want people to validate you. 

If strangers who have no emotional connect tell you you're doing it wrong, you might want to think twice. 

Or don't. Go ahead and piss off your friends and family who will not take kindly to you disrespecting their relationship on a day that is about two peoples love.