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Nevada-Las Vegas

My Dad can't make it to Vegas. Decision time

Hi everyone I'm new to this site but have enjoyed reading people's posts and it seems like a lovely community :) This is a personal post, I know no one can help me make a decision but any thoughts appreciated! Perhaps others have had similar issues? What did you do? A couple of weeks ago we finalized the date (14th April 2014) and venue (Springs Preserve) for our ceremony and paid the deposit after a couple of false starts with venue's that ended up not being suitable. However there have also been other developments that have resulted in us having to put the rest of our planning on hold. My Dad has being undergoing treatment for cancer. He is currently on a break from chemo and has been in quite a bit of pain at night recently and he feels he cannot commit to coming to Vegas next April. He has a couple of other treatment options which are to commence over the coming months and although he may well not be in as much pain next year, there are too many uncertainties and potential high treatment costs for him. He is keen for us to continue with our plans for Vegas but I am not sure how I feel about that at this stage. At the moment he does not seem sick. Although he has pain that wakes him up at night, during the day he is out playing tennis most days and is very fit. So we are currently trying to decide what to do. We can either go ahead with our Vegas planning, and accept that Dad won't be there, but try and involve him electronically using skype or similar. Or we need to change our plans, and have a smaller ceremony in New Zealand (where he lives) much sooner, such as after Christmas this year, and then perhaps have a get together in the UK (where the rest of our friends and family live) sometime in 2014 and abandon our Vegas plans. We live in Australia BTW. Given the increased cost of flights and the dates involved if we did decide to have the ceremony in NZ our attendees would probably just be immediate family. It will also cost them a lot more money to fly there from the UK than if they were flying to Vegas. We are both devastated that having the Vegas wedding we'd hoped and planned for will result in not all of our family being present and that the alternative means we are unlikely to be able to share the day with our closest friends. Neither option is ideal. Once we'd booked SP we were so excited and had started trying to narrow down our reception choice, strip tour for our guests, hotels and flights etc and I really don't want to get married in NZ. We've had our hearts set on Vegas for so long. I just don't know if I can plan a wedding in Vegas knowing my Dad won't be there. We always knew if his condition deteriorated that we may have to make some last minute changes and have the ceremony in NZ and have a party in Vegas instead (if everything was booked and paid for) but we thought we'd cross that bridge as and when. It seems so weird to assume he'll be unwell when he seems so fine now. It doesn't seem real. He's suggested a commitment type ceremony in NZ then we have the real one in Vegas but I don't like the idea of a 'fake' ceremony and that doesn't change the fact that I'm not sure how I'll feel having him not there at the 'real' wedding. We also don't have the option of eloping as FI's mother has said under no circumstances will she miss our wedding. She will travel wherever whenever but it can't be without her! Again I know there are no right or wrong answers here. Dad just wants me to be happy but it's such a hard decision! I don't want planning our wedding to be so horrible :( If nothing else thanks for the opportunity to vent a bit!

Re: My Dad can't make it to Vegas. Decision time

  • nixymnixym member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Hmm, apologies the line breaks vanished!
  • Im really sorry to hear about your dad. This must be a really difficult situation for you. Are you able to have your real ceremony in NZ then a reception type party in Vegas in April?

    Can't wait to say 'I do' on April 14, 2014 - Planning Bio

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  • Im sorry as well... is there a rime when your dad COULD fly??? Or him flying is totally off the table???..

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  • nixymnixym member
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    Cheers guys Unfortunately if we do have the ceremony in NZ I don't think we'll be able to have a party in Vegas as its a big ask for guests coming from the UK to travel there for a party that's not actually our wedding. Plus we might end up having to try and help FI's immediate family get to NZ by contributing towards their flights which means we wouldn't have any spare cash for Vegas :( If we could afford a Vegas party in April as well I'd love to do that but FI isn't as keen. He's been really good about all this but I know he's gutted. Dad can technically fly anytime, it's that he's in pain (the cancer has spread to his bones and his current pain is in his hip) so a 14 hour flight would be at the moment very uncomfortable for him. He is possibly going to have some radiotherapy on his hip which should get rid of the pain but that is likely to be over the next couple of months so he may well be worse off come next year. It's more that he doesn't think he can cope with the flying. He also said he was worried if he made it to Vegas he wouldn't be able to do anything but sit in his hotel room which wouldn't be good with everyone celebrating around him. I guess I wish he was able to be more positive and just keep aiming to join us but its like he's given up completely on being well enough :( I feel so selfish for not wanting to give up on our Vegas dream but I suspect that's what we'll end up having to do as if we go ahead and he's not there I might regret that forever. I'll be sad if we have to get married in NZ as its not what I want but it's not like I would regret doing it. It's just so frustrating!
  • What about wedding close to dad and then go to vegas afterwards just the 2 of you
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  • nixymnixym member
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    Once upon a time that would have been ace but we have a nine month old daughter so Vegas isn't such a great place to go just the three of us. We were quite excited about our nights out there with her being minded by her grandparents. A luxury we don't have here in Australia! Our Vegas memories might have to be limited to my bests mates wedding we went to there in 2011 instead. Maybe our first year anniversary. I don't know I keep changing my mind!
  • im sorry I lost my mom to cancer.  I personally would continue on with plans as is but also talk to your dad and find out what his wishes are. just remember the deposits are non refundable and we don't know what the future holds :)

     

  • I'm so sorry to hear this. My father battled cancer a few years ago, and it rocked my world.

    If it were me, I would have the wedding at home and plan to make a trip to Las Vegas for some time in the future. I just couldn't imagine getting married without my dad by my side.
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  • I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It's tough. But this is your wedding, your dream and you want it to be what you've always wanted and I know your dad wants that for you too and he wouldn't want for you to settle on what you really wouldn't want because of him because then you will always have you didn't do the wedding you wanted because of his illness. I'm pretty sure you continuing to get married in Vegas as you have planned and marrying the man of your dreams how you both dreamed will make your dad feel better in more ways than you know even though he cannot be there. You can always do as you said, Skype, video etc. Before you depart for your wedding in Vegas, do something special with your dad as a small celebration that he can join in with you and your fiance and doesn't have to be a big party. Just you, your fiance and your baby. Maybe even having a small wedding cake and nice lunch :) You need to continue with your plans as is. There's really no telling that even if you were to cancel the Vegas wedding if he would even have the strength or be well enough to attend a local wedding. HUGS!!!!

    [Deleted User]
  • Exactly what PP said. Also, remember than your venue could broadcast the wedding on the internet (ask them) or if not, maybe you could hire a company that could do so. You dad will be there, will see and attend the wedding just not physically :)

    My situation is not as worse as yours but my sister cannot attend due to financial issues. My dad and I even offered to pay for her but she said she doesn't feel comfortable with that and prefers to pass and watch it online. It hurts me as it's hard for me to imagine she won't be there. But nonetheless, we decided to continue with our plans as it is our dream.

    Have you thought of postponing your wedding until your dad heals?
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  • So sorry to hear about your Dad's illness, as you have said there are no right or wrong answers but think fablove makes some very good points, I hope you can come to a solution that will ease your worries and frustrations


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       UK based bride, getting married in Vegas on 14th April 2014!
  • nixymnixym member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts and @southerncutie and @allyscud for sharing your own difficult experiences.  That's a shame about your sister @SnowWhiteMontreal :( FI's sister will be in the same position if we get married in NZ and he won't be happy if she refuses to accept help towards the airfare.  I asked Dad what he wants and of course he said he just wants me to be happy.  He's said that to him it's the fact that we're committing to each other and that means more to him than the day itself.  He 'seems' fine with us doing something to celebrate in NZ earlier.  I guess the main problem is will I be OK with that or not - which only I can know and I don't know!

    Unfortunately his treatments may prolong his life but he will never be cancer free, we just don't know how long he has so postponing isn't an option. He might be feeling fine in April next year no one knows.  If only I had a crystal ball....!

    Thanks again everyone.x


  • Awww... :( So sad... I truly hope you can make a decision that you will be in peace with. Enjoy every moment you can have with your dad, whether he attends your wedding or not. *Hugs*
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  • I don't have advice on what you should do, as it needs to be what feels right for you. I lost my dad to cancer 12 years ago. He was diagnosed (esophageal cancer) in September and passed away the following July. Our family was planning a trip to FL in July, just for him, but it ended up he was too sick to attend, and subsequently passed away. Depending upon what type of cancer he has and his prognosis, I would take that into consideration and figure out what feels right for you. I know that if I was getting married back then and knew what I know now, there's no way that I'd have my dad miss my wedding. I'd probably have moved it up just so I could have him there. But it's a personal decision for everyone, you just need to think a lot about all the different options and possible outcomes.
  • nixymnixym member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks @SnowWhiteMontreal and @Kimberlybfpc for sharing.  It's incredible how many people are affected by cancer :( My Dad was diagnosed about 18 months ago (prostate cancer but it's metatastic and has spread to his bones) but he's only really had symptoms/pain for the first time this last month and I think he's starting to feel like its more real.  A month ago he was still playing tennis several times a week!  If Dad thought he'd be comfortable flying in say a month or two when he starts the next round of treatment we'd love to move the wedding up but unfortunately we don't have the funds.  That's half the reason why the wedding wasn't planned until next April - to give us time to save for it.  To be honest if we have it in NZ around Christmas (it needs to be school holidays for FI's sister) we still won't have enough money and will have to use credit cards.  You do what you've got to do I guess.
  • Kimberlybfpc my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in 2007. I am so sorry to hear about your father, and I feel like we are kindred spirits - esophageal cancer is one of the less discussed cancers and it's often found late, so the mortality rate is so high.

    He was fortunate that his doctor found it early because of unusual blood work results from a physical, he hadn't presented any symptoms yet. He went through chemo and radiation, and then had the lower third of his esophagus removed, and his stomach is now essentially in his chest.

    nixym I know what you are going through. It's hard to be happy about your marriage when someone you love is suffering so much. I was ready to have my wedding ceremony at his bedside, it was a roller coaster of what ifs and we just waited to see how he would feel - once we were within a few weeks he decided he was strong enough to be there. And he was, all 130 lbs of him, in his tuxedo, looking as handsome as ever. He gave a beautiful toast after The Godfather theme was played to a standing ovation, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

    The best advice is to take it day by day, stage by stage. Focus on getting through each treatment, each round, and call him and visit him as much as you can.

    My story does have a happy ending. 6+ years later he is still cancer free, playing golf... and I'm grateful for it every single day.
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    mbenoit03Kimberlybfpcnixym[Deleted User]
  • I am so sorry that you are having to experience this.  It is really hard to see somebody you love suffer.  I feel like I can't recommend what you should do but I wanted to tell you my Dad's experience with cancer. 

    He was diagnosed with prostrate cancer.  He was lucky to have an early detection but he had to go through 8 weeks of radiation.  The first 4 weeks went well and he felt quite healthy.  The last 4 weeks and the 6 months following the treatment where a lot tougher.  He was in pain and became very tired very easy.  Even now, a year and a half later, he still isn't as strong as he was pre-cancer and becomes very tired.  I know that every cancer patient reacts differently to every treatment but this is what he experienced. 

    I feel like whatever decision you make, your family is going to love and support you either way!
    nixym
  • nixymnixym member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks @allyscud and @J9lawrence, great to hear your Dads are doing well :) There is still a chance once he starts this new drug in a couple of months that it might give him another year or so, we just don't know. Hopefully it will make him feel better again and get back on the tennis court for a bit! We decided to start a family before we got married so that Dad would have a grandchild sooner rather than later and watching him with our daughter is so beautiful. We Skype nearly every day :)
    [Deleted User]
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