NWR: Can you help me decide what to do?

wittykitty14

So, I have to make a decision on something.  Totally NWR, and probably a non-issue.  I'm sure I'm fretting over nothing, but I can't make up my mind and was hoping for your thoughts.

Currently I am on my dad's cell phone plan.  FI is still on his parents as well.  At some point shortly after the wedding (which is soon), we were planning on leaving our parents plans and getting our own.  We have to move quite a ways after the wedding, so we figured once we were stable we'd switch the phones and pay for it ourselves.  Our parents are fine with this, NBD.

My mom currently has just her and my grandfather on her plan.  My pepere passed away in December, but she has kept his number up because she hasn't wanted to give up that phone number (it was originally his home phone, so they've had the number for 40 years).  Apparently my mom is grandfathered into an old cell phone plan.  If she drops my pepere's number from her plan, she must change plans (and her current plan is fantastic).  If she adds another number, she also would be forced to change plans.

Here's where I come into this.  My mom asked me if I wanted to join her plan, and switch to having my pepere's phone number.  One, because she doesn't want me to be tied down to my dad because he's financially irresponsible, two because she doesn't want to give up that phone number (sentimental value), and three, because she predicts nothing but financial failure from me, and wants to keep me from having extra expenses. 

This is what I think.  My phone number is FANTASTIC.  Seriously, it's such a great number.  I don't want to get rid of it.  Plus, now that I'm further along in my life, changing my phone number would be a PITA.  But on the other hand, I'm sentimental and don't want the family to have to give up my pepere's number.  (My mom was originally going to have his number be our home phone, but since she found out about her cell phone plan, she "can't").  This is also just one more thing that my mom "expects" me to do to help her out, which bothers me.  She's presenting it as if she's doing me a big favor, but I know underneath it's so I can help her. "Helping me" is secondary.  And although she "asked", I know I'm going to get shit if I say anything but yes.  Normally, I'd have no issue saying "no".  I'm trying to cut financial ties with my parents, not make it worse.  But the whole sentimental aspect of this is getting to me.  Giving up his phone number is just another thing to remind us that he's gone, and how much it hurts.  Now I feel as though the weight is entirely on my shoulders.  Idk.  I'm torn, and probably making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

WWYD?  Thanks for your help.

Edited for clarity

southernbelle0915

wittykitty14 said:

So, I have to make a decision on something.  Totally NWR, and probably a non-issue.  I'm sure I'm fretting over nothing, but I can't make up my mind and was hoping for your thoughts.

Currently I am on my dad's cell phone plan.  FI is still on his parents as well.  At some point shortly after the wedding (which is soon), we were planning on leaving our parents plans and getting our own.  We have to move quite a ways after the wedding, so we figured once we were stable we'd switch the phones and pay for it ourselves.  Our parents are fine with this, NBD.

My mom currently has just her and my grandfather on her plan.  My pepere passed away in December, but she has kept his number up because she hasn't wanted to give up that phone number (it was originally his home phone, so they've had the number for 40 years).  Apparently my mom is grandfathered into an old cell phone plan.  If she drops my pepere's number from her plan, she must change plans (and her current plan is fantastic).  If she adds another number, she also would be forced to change plans.

Here's where I come into this.  My mom asked me if I wanted to join her plan, and switch to having my pepere's phone number.  One, because she doesn't want me to be tied down to my dad because he's financially irresponsible, two because she doesn't want to give up that phone number (sentimental value), and three, because she predicts nothing but financial failure from me, and wants to keep me from having extra expenses. 

This is what I think.  My phone number is FANTASTIC.  Seriously, it's such a great number.  I don't want to get rid of it.  Plus, now that I'm further along in my life, changing my phone number would be a PITA.  But on the other hand, I'm sentimental and don't want the family to have to give up my pepere's number.  (My mom was originally going to have his number be our home phone, but since she found out about her cell phone plan, she "can't").  This is also just one more thing that my mom "expects" me to do to help her out, which bothers me.  She's presenting it as if she's doing me a big favor, but I know underneath it's so I can help her. "Helping me" is secondary.  And although she "asked", I know I'm going to get shit if I say anything but yes.  Normally, I'd have no issue saying "no".  I'm trying to cut financial ties with my parents, not make it worse.  But the whole sentimental aspect of this is getting to me.  Giving up his phone number is just another thing to remind us that he's gone, and how much it hurts.  Now I feel as though the weight is entirely on my shoulders.  Idk.  I'm torn, and probably making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

WWYD?  Thanks for your help.

Edited for clarity

If your mom wants to keep her father's number, she can switch to make it her cell phone number. Seems like that would mean more and be closer to her than if you did it anyway. 

I would decline to do this especially if you and your FI have already made a decision together to get on the same plan. 

wittykitty14

Thanks Southern!

FI and I definitely want to be on our own plan asap, just so we can get away financially from our parents.  We just need a month or so to make sure we're stable, and aren't adding all these new expenses at once.  My dad is perfectly ok with this.  But another problem is that I can decline my mom's offer, but then she'll go behind my back and convince my dad to kick me off his plan right away, to get back at me.  She as a history of doing things like this, so it's a concern that I'm keeping in the back of my head.

arae81

You said the following, which answers your own question:

1) You and your soon-to-be husband have already made plans concerning the cell phones. You are adults planning a future together.

2) It is your mother who doesn't want to give up the number, not you... It is sentimental to her.

3) You said one of the reasons your mother wants you to continue on her plan is because she predicts financial failure for you... This is a pitiful reason. Has she actually told you this?? For a couple starting a new path together, this is never good to hear from a parent, it's like she's saying you will always be dependent upon her... perhaps that's what she wants? Why would you want to be?

4) You said you don't want to get rid of your number. Why should you? All of your friends, family, and coworkers have that number. It'd be a hassle to change it, and two things come to mind when I type this: A) How often does your mother call you now? Do you think she'll call you more if you change the number? It sounds like your mother is afraid of change... Afraid of you leaving, afraid of getting rid of the number. But that's part of life, moving on. It pains me to think that she's being selfish and trying to hold you back, to keep you where you are, close to her.

5) You said your mother expects you to do this to help her out. How is this truly helping either one of you?? What other expectations does she have of you, and do those create issues with what you want for you, your fiance, your wedding, your home, your work, your relationships, or any future children? Do you think her expectations might?

6) The last few sentences of your post show your guilt feelings and a bit of resentment for being put in this position. It's okay to continue to grieve a loss. It's not okay to use anyone else as a way to fill that void. Don't let her bully you around. Cutting ties with her financially is the best thing for you, your fiance, and your life together. So long as she can tie you down emotionally, she'll always have control of you, and it will get worse over time as you both get older.

It's time for you to spread your wings and fly, and she should do the same... There's so much life left to live, she should be exploring it, appreciating it, rather than living in the past. Holding on to her grief like that will only hurt her further.

I speak from experience, as my mother is the same way. If I could go back in time and tell my younger self what would happen, I would have changed things for myself. Your happiness, self respect, and sanity are important to your future, your fiance, and your future children. Look ahead, not behind.

wittykitty14

arae81 said:

You said the following, which answers your own question:

1) You and your soon-to-be husband have already made plans concerning the cell phones. You are adults planning a future together.

2) It is your mother who doesn't want to give up the number, not you... It is sentimental to her.

3) You said one of the reasons your mother wants you to continue on her plan is because she predicts financial failure for you... This is a pitiful reason. Has she actually told you this?? For a couple starting a new path together, this is never good to hear from a parent, it's like she's saying you will always be dependent upon her... perhaps that's what she wants? Why would you want to be?

4) You said you don't want to get rid of your number. Why should you? All of your friends, family, and coworkers have that number. It'd be a hassle to change it, and two things come to mind when I type this: A) How often does your mother call you now? Do you think she'll call you more if you change the number? It sounds like your mother is afraid of change... Afraid of you leaving, afraid of getting rid of the number. But that's part of life, moving on. It pains me to think that she's being selfish and trying to hold you back, to keep you where you are, close to her.

5) You said your mother expects you to do this to help her out. How is this truly helping either one of you?? What other expectations does she have of you, and do those create issues with what you want for you, your fiance, your wedding, your home, your work, your relationships, or any future children? Do you think her expectations might?

6) The last few sentences of your post show your guilt feelings and a bit of resentment for being put in this position. It's okay to continue to grieve a loss. It's not okay to use anyone else as a way to fill that void. Don't let her bully you around. Cutting ties with her financially is the best thing for you, your fiance, and your life together. So long as she can tie you down emotionally, she'll always have control of you, and it will get worse over time as you both get older.

It's time for you to spread your wings and fly, and she should do the same... There's so much life left to live, she should be exploring it, appreciating it, rather than living in the past. Holding on to her grief like that will only hurt her further.

I speak from experience, as my mother is the same way. If I could go back in time and tell my younger self what would happen, I would have changed things for myself. Your happiness, self respect, and sanity are important to your future, your fiance, and your future children. Look ahead, not behind.

Thank you for responding! 

2.) It's sentimental to me too, which is why I'm having such a hard time figuring out what to do.

3.) She's been questioning every financial decision I've made in the last year, like she doesn't trust me anymore.  She presses me for very personal financial details and guilts me into answering them.  Every money conversation we have suggests that she thinks I'm making all these horrible financial decisions and my life is going to end in financial ruin.  I could go on and on with examples.

4.) She is absolutely afraid of change.  I think that that's where all of this is coming from.

5.) If she has to change plans, then the plan she'd have to get is more expensive.  She thinks she's doing me a favor because she'd be paying my cell phone bill.  The manipulation is not worth the savings though.  She has high expectations of me, and is very opinionated.  To sum it up, I'm just never good enough.

6.) You're absolutely right.  The longer I'm financially connected to her, the worse this is going to get. 

Thanks for your perspective.  I really appreciate it!  FI and I are going to talk more about it and figure out the best way to proceed. 

QueerFemme

Get your own cell phone plan.  Transport your phone number to your own plan. (you are permitted to do this).  Even if it costs you a few dollars more, it's time to be a grownup and be responsible for your own stuff.

And, I realize your grandfather's phone number is sentimental, but dropping that phone number doesn't change that he is gone.   I know it's hard to let go after a death, but keeping a phone number on a phone that no one even uses doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me.  If your mom wants to keep it active on her plan for sentimental reasons, and so she doesn't lose her super duper awesome plan, that's up to her. 

 

arae81

"FI and I are going to talk more about it and figure out the best way to proceed."

 

That's the best way to do it! It'll work out for you as long as you do it together. I'm rooting for you!

wittykitty14

Thanks everyone.

The more I've explained the situation, the more obvious the answer has become.  This is another good opportunity for me to put on my big girl pants and just say "no".  She's going to tell me that I put her in a bad place, and pretty much blame me for whatever she decides to do.  The level of manipulation is insane, so I know that I need to get away from it.  It'll hurt for a bit, but I'll get over it.

What I have to do was sitting right in front of me.  Thanks for helping me see it

mrsB68

I don't know. I know you made a decision but if financially it's cheaper for both of you and you have a sentimental connection to the number I would keep it. While I can agree to cut ties do it when it doesn't negatively impact either of you.

wittykitty14

Stage and Linger, I get what you mean.  Intellectually, being attached to a certain number makes no sense to me.  Yeah, I love my current number, but the main reason I don't want to change it is because there's no reason to.  It's just another one of my mom's requests where if I don't give her what she wants, I'm the bad guy.  So, that's the best reason to not change my plans.  It's ridiculous, and I just want to have 100% financial separation from her, so that money can't be used against me.  It's such a pain.  This shouldn't be that difficult.  But at least I'm getting married soon, and more importantly, moving shortly afterwards.  I've learned to say "no" and stand up for myself, so I'm only headed in the right direction.