mom issues and needing patience!!

Hendrix13

so Im getting married on January 4, 2014. I have an idea on how i want everything to be however i am being very laid back as well.  so i have two issues. One is i have some family wont come to the wedding due to major conflicts with my mom and vice versa.  so i have laid the ground rules for all parties involved just so they will uderstand how they should be civil for me and not acting like children and more like adults. recently today, my mother calls me, trying to play guilt trip on me. She then states how she found a photographer for almost 3 grand and says she will try to help pay. The other is how do i make both sides understand this is not about them. I know I cant make everyone happy nor do i care but i dont all of my family to attend because im close to everyone in some way shap of another. since its only my side of the family acting up, I know i need to make them cooperate but losing patience with mom very quickly

artbyallie

1. I would not choose something out of my budget on an offer to 'try to help pay.' Money/check in my hand or no dice, I'm picking what I can afford on my own.

2. I don't understand what kind of cooperation is needed? They show up to the wedding and behave or get escorted out.

OliveOilsMom

For your family, just send all of the invitations and see who responds yes.  Then for seating at the reception, try to keep as far apart as possible, the people who don't get along.  Less interaction will cause the adults to act like it!

I would not be choosing a photographer out of budget on the hope that someone could help me pay for it. Just keep to your budget for the wedding and if you get money for something later, great!

Hendrix13

Thanks. thats my reasoning but they  dont see it my way... oh well their loss not mine...

 

jlm9113

Hendrix13 said:

so Im getting married on January 4, 2014. I have an idea on how i want everything to be however i am being very laid back as well.  so i have two issues. One is i have some family wont come to the wedding due to major conflicts with my mom and vice versa.  so i have laid the ground rules for all parties involved just so they will uderstand how they should be civil for me and not acting like children and more like adults. recently today, my mother calls me, trying to play guilt trip on me. She then states how she found a photographer for almost 3 grand and says she will try to help pay. The other is how do i make both sides understand this is not about them. I know I cant make everyone happy nor do i care but i dont all of my family to attend because im close to everyone in some way shap of another. since its only my side of the family acting up, I know i need to make them cooperate but losing patience with mom very quickly

If you want them to act like adults and not children then you probably shouldn't boss them around by putting down ground rules... the way people do for... you know... children.

And everything PPs have said about your mom, the photographer and the money.  If you're already anticipating drama, don't make it worse by accepting her money.  Find a photographer you and your FI can afford and carry on. 

cbrown828

CMGr said:

Hendrix13 said:

so Im getting married on January 4, 2014. I have an idea on how i want everything to be however i am being very laid back as well.  so i have two issues. One is i have some family wont come to the wedding due to major conflicts with my mom and vice versa.  so i have laid the ground rules for all parties involved just so they will uderstand how they should be civil for me and not acting like children and more like adults. recently today, my mother calls me, trying to play guilt trip on me. She then states how she found a photographer for almost 3 grand and says she will try to help pay. The other is how do i make both sides understand this is not about them. I know I cant make everyone happy nor do i care but i dont all of my family to attend because im close to everyone in some way shap of another. since its only my side of the family acting up, I know i need to make them cooperate but losing patience with mom very quickly

It is not your place to "make" your relatives do anything.  It is your place to invite - or not invite them to your wedding.  It is your place to act as a gracious hostess and lovely bride.
Why do you think it is your job to fix your family?  You can't.  You must accept them as they are.  You should either invite them, or not.  It is your decision.  Do not expect them to change and become other people for your wedding.
As for the photographer, either accept or decline.  It is your decision.
Consider eloping.

I agree with CMGr. You will save yourself a lot of time and energy if you stop trying to please everyone and get them all to "cooperate." My dad's family all refuse to be in the same room as my mother without causing a scene (they did it at my grad school commencement, my brother's pre-deployment get-together, and when my dad was in the hospital). They aren't invited, plain and simple. I don't trust them to behave based on their history, so they're not coming. If I did choose to invite them, however, I would need to realize that no amount of prepping or talking to them about my expectations would do anything to change them. I encourage you to think about this before sending out invites.