Invitation etiquette

ebustos

Maybe some of you can help answer a question for me. My fiance and I have the budget for 100 guests. That is the number of friends and family members from all over the country that we plan to invite. However, we are fairly sure that many will not be able to attend due to the distance from them. Of course, we will still extend invitations to show that we love them, and truly desire their presence. However, once we get a certain number of acceptances, is it appropriate to then extend those declined invites to other friends that we had previously had to exclude due to budgeting? Example: We send 100 invitations, 70 people reply "yes." 30 reply "no." Would it then be inappropriate to extend those 30 invites to others who we had previously had to exclude?

r&c14

No, it's consider b-listing and it's rude. You run the risk of them seeing an invitation someone else has already received and when they get one feeling like an afterthought. It sucks, but such is life!

libby2483

B-listing is extremely rude because the b-listed guests almost always find out and feel shitty that they were your second choice.

AddieCake

ebustos said:

Maybe some of you can help answer a question for me. My fiance and I have the budget for 100 guests. That is the number of friends and family members from all over the country that we plan to invite. However, we are fairly sure that many will not be able to attend due to the distance from them. Of course, we will still extend invitations to show that we love them, and truly desire their presence. However, once we get a certain number of acceptances, is it appropriate to then extend those declined invites to other friends that we had previously had to exclude due to budgeting? Example: We send 100 invitations, 70 people reply "yes." 30 reply "no." Would it then be inappropriate to extend those 30 invites to others who we had previously had to exclude?

No. How would you like to be invited to something only b/c the host's first-choice guests couldn't make it?

BarbLovesDave

There is a way to B-list without anyone knowing they are B-listed. That is the only really polite way to B-list.

1. Divide your guest list into out of town and in town guests.

2. Send the OOT invites 8 weeks in advance.

3. Wait a few days, then start calling OOT people that you are virtually positive won't be able to come.

4. "Hi, Great-Aunt Barb, I am hoping you have received our wedding invitation and am wondering if I can help you with hotel recommendations, airport pickup, etc." "No, dear, I cannot come. It was good of you to invite me." "Are you totally positive? (shocked tone in voice)" "Yes, I am positive. (insert recital of medical woes)" "Ok, I'm so sorry to hear you can't make it. We will send you photos when we have them ready. I will put you down has having declined, is that right? That will save you the trouble of putting the RSVP card back in the mail."

5. Once you have a group of totally confirmed declines, then that opens up seats for more guests.

6. Bump appropriate number of in-town B-listers up into the A-list and send ALL in-town invites six weeks out.

7. If anyone notices that two waves of invites went out, just respond that OOT folks got an extra two weeks due to needs to plan travel.

None of the B-listers should have a hint that they were B-listed.

Needless to say, skip Save-the-Dates entirely. STDs lock in your guest list. Anyone getting an invite, without the initial STD, will know immediately they were B-listed.

drummerbonbon

BarbLovesDave said:

There is a way to B-list without anyone knowing they are B-listed. That is the only really polite way to B-list.

1. Divide your guest list into out of town and in town guests.

2. Send the OOT invites 8 weeks in advance.

3. Wait a few days, then start calling OOT people that you are virtually positive won't be able to come.

4. "Hi, Great-Aunt Barb, I am hoping you have received our wedding invitation and am wondering if I can help you with hotel recommendations, airport pickup, etc." "No, dear, I cannot come. It was good of you to invite me." "Are you totally positive? (shocked tone in voice)" "Yes, I am positive. (insert recital of medical woes)" "Ok, I'm so sorry to hear you can't make it. We will send you photos when we have them ready. I will put you down has having declined, is that right? That will save you the trouble of putting the RSVP card back in the mail."

5. Once you have a group of totally confirmed declines, then that opens up seats for more guests.

6. Bump appropriate number of in-town B-listers up into the A-list and send ALL in-town invites six weeks out.

7. If anyone notices that two waves of invites went out, just respond that OOT folks got an extra two weeks due to needs to plan travel.

None of the B-listers should have a hint that they were B-listed.

Needless to say, skip Save-the-Dates entirely. STDs lock in your guest list. Anyone getting an invite, without the initial STD, will know immediately they were B-listed.

Not everyone sends out STDs, so that's really not true. 

We invited the people in our budget. If those people declined, we set that money aside to be used for food, decorations, or other planning emergencies. Just look at it as an extra X amount of money that can be used if something at your venue suddenly changes or something. But don't do a B-list. B-lists are never fun. 

crunchymamaof2

This idea sounds great in theory doesn't it? But it usually doesn't work out like we want it to. If your budget can cover 100 guests then invite 100. If for some reason you fall below the minimum your venue sets you can upgrade the food or bar choices

daria24

I was once an OOT invite for a wedding. I got my invitation 12 weeks out. 6 weeks later someone posted on the bride's FB page "Just got the invite! So Excited!" Needless to say, now all 500+ friends and family knew the bride and groom B-listed.

Just say no to B-Lists. 

AddieCake

BarbLovesDave said:

There is a way to B-list without anyone knowing they are B-listed. That is the only really polite way to B-list.

1. Divide your guest list into out of town and in town guests.

2. Send the OOT invites 8 weeks in advance.

3. Wait a few days, then start calling OOT people that you are virtually positive won't be able to come.

4. "Hi, Great-Aunt Barb, I am hoping you have received our wedding invitation and am wondering if I can help you with hotel recommendations, airport pickup, etc." "No, dear, I cannot come. It was good of you to invite me." "Are you totally positive? (shocked tone in voice)" "Yes, I am positive. (insert recital of medical woes)" "Ok, I'm so sorry to hear you can't make it. We will send you photos when we have them ready. I will put you down has having declined, is that right? That will save you the trouble of putting the RSVP card back in the mail."

5. Once you have a group of totally confirmed declines, then that opens up seats for more guests.

6. Bump appropriate number of in-town B-listers up into the A-list and send ALL in-town invites six weeks out.

7. If anyone notices that two waves of invites went out, just respond that OOT folks got an extra two weeks due to needs to plan travel.

None of the B-listers should have a hint that they were B-listed.

Needless to say, skip Save-the-Dates entirely. STDs lock in your guest list. Anyone getting an invite, without the initial STD, will know immediately they were B-listed.

Ummm, not necessarily. We didn't give STDs to everyone. Those people were certainly not B-Listed.