Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rehearsal Dinner help

So I'm having a bit of an awkward situation here: My moms side of the family all lives in different states, and as a result I only get to see them at most once a year, however, they all have graciously offered to fly in for my wedding (there's about 12 of them). Yesterday I was talking to the in laws about the rehearsal dinner, which they are paying for, and when i brought up my out of town family my fiancés dad said that only immediate family and the bridal party will be invited. Now my mom is upset bc her fam will only be in town for about 3 days and she wants them to be at the dinner, and i feel kind of bad not inviting them also bc they are flying in from across the country. I def don't want to argue with the one who is paying but I'm wondering would it w atrociously rude to offer to pay for those guests that I want to include but the host has said no? Or are there any other options here? Yikes.

Re: Rehearsal Dinner help

  • I could be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure etiquette states that out of town guests are always invited to the rehearsal dinner. At least that's been the custom in every wedding I've ever been invited to.
  • Can you offer to pay for the guests that will be in addition to the immediate family and bridal party that your future inlaws said they would pay for?

    I would ask FFIL if that would be ok.

    Anniversary

  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    So I'm having a bit of an awkward situation here: My moms side of the family all lives in different states, and as a result I only get to see them at most once a year, however, they all have graciously offered to fly in for my wedding (there's about 12 of them). Yesterday I was talking to the in laws about the rehearsal dinner, which they are paying for, and when i brought up my out of town family my fiancés dad said that only immediate family and the bridal party will be invited. Now my mom is upset bc her fam will only be in town for about 3 days and she wants them to be at the dinner, and i feel kind of bad not inviting them also bc they are flying in from across the country. I def don't want to argue with the one who is paying but I'm wondering would it w atrociously rude to offer to pay for those guests that I want to include but the host has said no? Or are there any other options here? Yikes.

    Have your FI tell his parents to add 12 seats to the reservation, and that the two of you will be covering those guests. The key here is to have your FI talk to his own parents.

    Inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner is not a requirement, but it seems like it will be important to your family to do so.

  • I would suggest to your mom that your family throw a "Welcome Reception/Party" after the rehearsal dinner. I don't think it's right to ask for FI's family to host your family for the rehearsal dinner. I think it would be best to plan something following the rehearsal as a way for all out of town guests to see you and FI, and mingle with one another.
  • itzMS said:

    Have your FI tell his parents to add 12 seats to the reservation, and that the two of you will be covering those guests. The key here is to have your FI talk to his own parents.

    Inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner is not a requirement, but it seems like it will be important to your family to do so.

    This. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • FILs are the hosts of the rehearsal dinner, and have final say over the guest list.

    A rehearsal dinner is a meal provided for those involved in the rehearsal, plus spouses, fiancé(e)s, and parents of any minor children in the WP.

    It's nice if the hosts have the funds and willingness to add on others, but certainly not required.

    You have two options:

    Ask Son to talk to Mom and Dad, privately, and discuss the real reasons why the OOT guests are not included.


    1. If it's purely a matter of cost and budget, then ask if covering the cost of the additional guests would be OK with FILs.

    2. If FILs really want to keep the party small, limited to just the rehearsal participants, then that is their right.

    If #2 is FILs position, then think about any close friend you or your parents might have who has offered "If there is anything I can do...". Ask that friend if they might be willing to host a OOT guest party while the others are busy with the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. If the friend is of limited financial means, quietly suggest the bride's family can foot the bill, even though the party is officially hosted in the name of the generous friend.
  • I would host something yourselves for either a) just these OOT family members or b) any OOT guests who would like to attend before the rehearsal itself or after the rehearsal dinner, depending on timing.

    The reasoning for this is that it would be awkward for your FILs to have your extended family at the rehearsal dinner (even if you pay the extra for it) and not be able to have their own extended family at the same dinner. In my mind, in fact, it would be kind of rude. However, perhaps I am biased, as DH's step mom wanted to invite only their extended relatives to the rehearsal dinner but none of mine nor on his mom's side of the family. We managed to get this to not happen by pointing out that the non-included family members might feel badly if they were to find out they hadn't been invited.

    That being said, we had our rehearsal dinner from 6-8:30 and then put information in the bags the hotel gave to OOT guests that told them where we would be starting at 8:30 and that invited them to join us. Not only did many of my extended relatives come, so did not of our friends, parents' friends, etc. It ended up being a great time and we got to catch up with a lot of people, making the mingling the next day at the wedding that much easier since so many people said "I got to talk with you last night, go chat with someone you haven't been able to talk with yet."
    image
  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2013
    I could be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure etiquette states that out of town guests are always invited to the rehearsal dinner. At least that's been the custom in every wedding I've ever been invited to.
    You are wrong.  Etiquette does not dictate that OOT guests be invited to a rehearsal dinner.  Only those actually involved in the rehearsal and their SOs must be invited.



  • FILs are the hosts of the rehearsal dinner, and have final say over the guest list.

    A rehearsal dinner is a meal provided for those involved in the rehearsal, plus Significant Others and parents of any minor children in the WP.

    It's nice if the hosts have the funds and willingness to add on others, but certainly not required.

    You have two options:

    Ask Son to talk to Mom and Dad, privately, and discuss the real reasons why the OOT guests are not included.


    1. If it's purely a matter of cost and budget, then ask if covering the cost of the additional guests would be OK with FILs.

    2. If FILs really want to keep the party small, limited to just the rehearsal participants, then that is their right.

    If #2 is FILs position, then think about any close friend you or your parents might have who has offered "If there is anything I can do...". Ask that friend if they might be willing to host a OOT guest party while the others are busy with the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. If the friend is of limited financial means, quietly suggest the bride's family can foot the bill, even though the party is officially hosted in the name of the generous friend.
    Fixed that for you.



  • I would offer to pay and explain the situation to them. i would definitely include them. Etiquette says "out of town" guests should be included in rehearsal dinner. I
  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited July 2013
    I would suggest to your mom that your family throw a "Welcome Reception/Party" after the rehearsal dinner. I don't think it's right to ask for FI's family to host your family for the rehearsal dinner. I think it would be best to plan something following the rehearsal as a way for all out of town guests to see you and FI, and mingle with one another.

    from a pure "time" standpoint, that probably wouldn't work. I don't know what time your stuff is, but I can tell you that ours ran late.

    As a matter of fact, I felt torn because I had friends who came up to spend time with me because they actually could NOT attend the wedding who left the dinner at a normal time, but my fiances family stayed alot longer, so we had to stay. I felt torn because I knew we couldn't leave, but I also felt bad that I wasn't with the friends whom I knew came to spend time with me.

     

    I would avoid having anything "formal" after the rehearsal because you might get have the same situation as I did...You can't leave your own rehearsal dinner early, and you cannot make people end it faster for an after party, either. Just be cautious on that one...

  • I could be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure etiquette states that out of town guests are always invited to the rehearsal dinner. At least that's been the custom in every wedding I've ever been invited to.
    Etiquette does not state this.

    Who gets invited to the rehearsal dinner beyond the couple, wedding party members, officiant, and SOs of the above is up to whoever is hosting it.  OP, if your FMIL refuses to host your out-of-town guests at the rehearsal dinner, and your mother wants to entertain them, your mother is going to have to host an event of her own to do that.  Maybe she can host a day-after event if there won't be time before the wedding?  In any case, you and/or your parents can't force your FILs to invite them to the rehearsal dinner.
  • loca4pook said:
    I would offer to pay and explain the situation to them. i would definitely include them. Etiquette says "out of town" guests should be included in rehearsal dinner. I

    No. The rehearsal takes place, then those participants go out for a nice meal afterwards. The host may, if they like and if budget permits, invite others.

    Some rehearsal dinners are huge; essentially a (pre) wedding reception hosted by the groom's parents. 
  • loca4pook said:
    I would offer to pay and explain the situation to them. i would definitely include them. Etiquette says "out of town" guests should be included in rehearsal dinner. I
    If this were true we would have to invite 100% of our guests to our RD. The RD is to show appreciation for those who came to the rehearsal.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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