Moms and Maids

Throwing in the towel

I unfortunately come from a family of the over dramatic. I chose my sister to be my MOH to make sure she had her moment in the spotlight to hopefully satisfy her need to be noticed and have the rest of the wedding run as smooth as possible. The first time I went to try on bridal I had my mom, sister, and the other 3 girls in the bridal party all come along. I knew that the other 3 girls (all I have known most of my life) would keep the attention on me and give their honest opinions and not give the MOH any extra unwarranted attention. I found a dress that I was OK with and put it down in the vendors database. By the time I came out of the fitting room, all my girls were staring at me and the MOH and my mom were off looking at bridal party dresses. The girls knowing this day was for me and that we were not planning on looking for their dresses during this appointment, were all looking me at smiling. I told them we still had time left in this appointment and lets go ahead and look at bridal party dresses. We found a dress that would flatter all 4 girls and added the dress into the database, it's still a little early to order.

Knowing I wasn't 100% satisfied with my dress, I talked to my mom about me and her just going to look at dresses at a different vendor and see if there was anything we liked better. First dress I tried on, my mom and I both loved. I knew this was the right dress and went ahead and ordered it. The lady that hosted our appointment took a couple of pictures so I could forward it out to the rest of the bridal party.

I sent the picture to my MOH and she said it was nice but she liked the other dress better. I told her that I ordered this dress and this is the one that I really liked. She replied with that she now wants to change her dress and that she would feel more comfortable in something with sleeves. She since has been sending me pictures, none with sleeves, of different dresses that she likes better. None are in our colors (I will not change my colors - invitations & wedding party gifts already bought and the colors are incorporated). Mom sent me a message about wanting me to change colors and bridesmaid dresses today. Finally, I just told them to find what they like, make sure the colors are my colors, and the dress is short. once they get it figured out, I'll figure out the other girls dresses.

I just feel like I'm in a losing situation. Every other day it's something different. My family says how they know it is my Fiancé and mine's day, but there is always a negative opinion/complaint. I thought that if someone asks you to be part of their celebration, you are part of it. The rest of the bridal party says it's my day, and they will do whatever/wear whatever and are just looking forward to the after party. This is supposed to be the easy part. and just for clarification, my fiancé and myself are paying for the wedding, not the parents....

 

Re: Throwing in the towel

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    You shouldn't have put your sister in the WP just out of obligation. Now instead of just one round of drama surrounding you not asking her you are going to have drama with everything having to do with the WP. But now you just have to deal with it.

    Stop sending her stuff about your wedding if you don't want her opinion.

    If you haven't ordered the bridesmaids dresses then really what's the harm in looking at more? You didn't pick the dress you put in the database at one shop why should your bridal party have to stick with the option you found at that store?

    Honestly it doesn't seem like anything your sister has done is that bad.


  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    As far as your first appointment goes...
    No one is required to go looking at your bridal gown with you, so it was very sweet that your whole bridal party and your mom went with you. But I won't let it bother you that they were looking at other dresses.
    You said this:
    "The girls knowing this day was for me and that we were not planning on looking for their dresses during this appointment, were all looking me at smiling"

    But that isn't true. You get one day, and that is your wedding day. That is the only day you're allowed to expect that your bridal party needs to be somewhere specific, with specific things they need to do (show up on time, in the dress, sober, walk down the aisle, stand beside you, maybe hold your bouquet, smile for pictures). The rest is just gravy, so it's awesome that everyone came with you at all.
    That being said, no matter how excited people might be to see you in a possible dress, just waiting around outside a dressing room can be really boring (especially if they didn't expect you to come out in a dress, which from your story, you might not have been), so if your mom and MOH were able to multi-task, you should be glad; it means they were excited about multiple aspects of your wedding and wanting to get a head start. As a good bride, sister and friend, you should not want your bridal party to have to sit there bored, staring straight ahead, waiting for you to come come back from entering something into a database. I'd think you'd want them to have fun getting to look at dresses. So this is not a bad thing.


    Now... as for the bridesmaid dress... assuming you asked all of your girls privately, beforehand, what their budget was for the dress, and the dress everyone liked was in that budget, if you want to put your foot down and say, "This is the dress I've chosen." you totally get to do that.
    So if you really liked the initial dress, next time you get pushback from your mom and MOH you simply say, "thanks so much for your input, but the decision has been made to go with dress ABC. It needs to be ordered by XYZ date." If they bring it up again just say, "You have really great ideas, but the dress decision has been made. Oh! I found the best bean dip recipe. You have to try it!"
    (this is assuming you really liked that dress. If it's still up for discussion, I don't see the harm in more looking/feedback)

    Now, you can also tell the girls, "pick any dress you like in this color, material and length" and let them each pick out whatever individual dress they want. This takes lots of pressure off of you. But it's optional.
    Either way, you do NOT need to change your colors. Just hold your ground. "MOH, that is a really pretty color too. But I've decide on color XYZ. Have you tried that bean dip yet?"
  • You're overreacting, if you're throwing the towel in over such minor transgressions. You ordered the wedding dress that you wanted. Congratulations of finding your dream dress. Now that you know that your sister isn't going to hold back her opinion, don't discuss any of the details with her.

    You said it's too early to pick out the bm dresses and it sounds like everyone was just looking. Your sister has a right to express her opinion on the dress that she will be purchasing and wearing for your wedding. I agree that the bride gets to pick the colors, but some people are self conscious about certain body parts - so if your sister wants to wear sleeves, let her pick a dress with sleeves. Even if all the bms wear matching dresses, the MOH won't look out of place in a different style. If your sister is normally an attention whore, don't expect her to change for your wedding.


                       
  • Thanks for the input and I guess I should have been a little bit more clear on a few things as to why changing the dresses, colors, etc is such a big deal, but I didn't want to sound like I was just bashing the MOH/family so I left things fairly broad. So my fault on that for not being able to put a complete emotion out there.

    Aurianna: Thank you for your input with just changing the topic of discussion. I'll see how that works out for me.

     

     

  • What exactly did you get for your wedding party gifts if they're already purchased and have something to do with your wedding colors?



  • Engraved mason jars. But the flower girl we bought personalized jewelry box that has the colors and our invitations have our colors and all flowers have been decided on and paid for.

     

  • Engraved with what?



  • Name, bridesmaid/MOH/best man/groomsmen, wedding date, clip art

     

  • KatC82 said:

    I unfortunately come from a family of the over dramatic. I chose my sister to be my MOH to make sure she had her moment in the spotlight to hopefully satisfy her need to be noticed and have the rest of the wedding run as smooth as possible. The first time I went to try on bridal I had my mom, sister, and the other 3 girls in the bridal party all come along. I knew that the other 3 girls (all I have known most of my life) would keep the attention on me and give their honest opinions and not give the MOH any extra unwarranted attention. I found a dress that I was OK with and put it down in the vendors database. By the time I came out of the fitting room, all my girls were staring at me and the MOH and my mom were off looking at bridal party dresses. The girls knowing this day was for me and that we were not planning on looking for their dresses during this appointment, were all looking me at smiling. I told them we still had time left in this appointment and lets go ahead and look at bridal party dresses. We found a dress that would flatter all 4 girls and added the dress into the database, it's still a little early to order.

    Knowing I wasn't 100% satisfied with my dress, I talked to my mom about me and her just going to look at dresses at a different vendor and see if there was anything we liked better. First dress I tried on, my mom and I both loved. I knew this was the right dress and went ahead and ordered it. The lady that hosted our appointment took a couple of pictures so I could forward it out to the rest of the bridal party.

    I sent the picture to my MOH and she said it was nice but she liked the other dress better. I told her that I ordered this dress and this is the one that I really liked. She replied with that she now wants to change her dress and that she would feel more comfortable in something with sleeves. She since has been sending me pictures, none with sleeves, of different dresses that she likes better. None are in our colors (I will not change my colors - invitations & wedding party gifts already bought and the colors are incorporated). Mom sent me a message about wanting me to change colors and bridesmaid dresses today. Finally, I just told them to find what they like, make sure the colors are my colors, and the dress is short. once they get it figured out, I'll figure out the other girls dresses.

    I just feel like I'm in a losing situation. Every other day it's something different. My family says how they know it is my Fiancé and mine's day, but there is always a negative opinion/complaint. I thought that if someone asks you to be part of their celebration, you are part of it. The rest of the bridal party says it's my day, and they will do whatever/wear whatever and are just looking forward to the after party. This is supposed to be the easy part. and just for clarification, my fiancé and myself are paying for the wedding, not the parents....

    Keep your sister out of the wedding planning.  Change the conversation from wedding talk with your sister.  When you find the BM dress, as long as its within your sister and all BMs budgets, then just give her the information to go buy the dress.  If your sister doesn't buy the dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding.  You do not need to honor the wishes of your mom or sister into changing your wedding colors.

  • edited July 2013
    @Vic Your opinion means crap

     

  • Thank you olive

     

  • KatC82 said:
    @Vic You're opinion means crap
    I agree with @Viczaesar - those presents sound like you put no thought into who the people in your WP are and just got them some generic wedding industry promoted present.

    You should pick out presents for your WP as if it were their birthday and it really doesn't need to be wedding related at all.


  • Coming from someone who doesn't know us nor our group of friends. Geez the amount of douchness on these boards are ridiculous. Fuck this shit and fuck this site

     

  • KatC82 said:
    @Vic Your opinion means crap
    Too bad your original typo was recorded for posterity. 

    I'm curious, what exactly about an engraved mason glass with "bridesmaid," a clip art image in someone else's wedding colors, and somebody else's wedding date on it screams "BEST PRESENT EVER" to you?



  • KatC82 said:
    Coming from someone who doesn't know us nor our group of friends. Geez the amount of douchness on these boards are ridiculous. Fuck this shit and fuck this site
    Unless your group of friends is 13 year old girls, I feel comfortable saying that your friends are not going to love that "present."  You know what makes for a good present?  Something that is picked out with the individual person in mind - you know, their tastes and personality and individual preferences.  Presents, basically, that show that you're not shopping for your wedding but rather for them, and that demonstrate that you know them from Adam.



  • Awww... some people might like that gift. I'm 30 and I'd probably put it on my desk at work or in the little curio we have with lots of sentimental little nicknacks.
    ...But it's also possible to customize it a little. Maybe put a small gift card to each individual bridesmaid's favorite store in the jar. Or pieces of jewelry you think they might each like.
    At the very least, something sweet you could do is write an individual note to each bridesmaid about what they mean to you, maybe include some favorite memories, and roll it up inside the jar.
    Just try to do something to individualize each gift on top of just having their name on it.

    Except the flower girl. My guess is she'll absolutely love hers. I thought stuff with my name on it was the coolest thing ever when I was tiny. And special boxes to put things in were always big fun.
  • I think your bridesmaids ( not your sister ) are being very positive and supportive. Your gifts are coordinated to your wedding. I would tell your sister that I like my colors and my wedding the way they are. She has had hers the way SHE wanted. Just leave it at that.
  • I know that pinterest-weddings are clusterfucks of mason jars but it would never occur to me to give someone a jar and call it a present.



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  • I fail to see the issue here. You wanted the other girls to ooh and ahh over you trying on bridal gowns? You know that is really boring right? Also, did you actually want their opinions on the gowns or just to sit there while you figured it out yourself? I wouldn't expect my bridal party to sit around while I try on dresses. That is kind of presumptuous. If you want a captive audience then bring just one or two people like your mother. The average person really doesn't have time or desire to watch you try on things. 

    I too, think you are over reacting. The only thing I agree with you about is the fact that the style and wedding color should be respected. If you have a specific dress in mind then don't be wishy-washy about it. Tell them what you want. As long as its a reasonable price point then they should do right by you and get the dress you are requesting. You can add sleeves to most any dress at alteration. Either that or she can do a bolero jacket or wrap. 

    If she is doing that just to have a control freak moment then tell her she has options and she can pick. 

    Calm down by the way. I admit I don't understand the Engraved Mason Jar gift? What are they supposed to put in there? I'm not snarking, I'm serious. If I got that gift I wouldn't really know what to do with it. It might end up in my cupboard full of screws and random buttons. 
    ~* Matron of Honor *~

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  • KatC82 said:
    Coming from someone who doesn't know us nor our group of friends. Geez the amount of douchness on these boards are ridiculous. Fuck this shit and fuck this site
    Um, people are allowed to have opinions on the gift you've selected. Personally, I don't understand why you would give someone a jar. Like, how is that a gift? Explain it to me. Also, way to bring on the butthurt. Seriously? You sound like a brat when you stomp your feet and storm off. Act like an adult and not your shoe size for pete's sake. 
    ~* Matron of Honor *~

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  • If you fill the mason jars with something the recipient loves -- if you have a BM who's an obsessive coffee drinker, fill it with her favorite blend, if you have a BM who loves trying unique types of jams, fill it with some sort of out of the ordinary jam, etc. -- it might make for a better gift.


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