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Wedding Etiquette Forum
CharlieKay10
member
No Strippers at the Bachelor Party
I am having a dilemma about my FI's bachelor party. I am vehemently opposed to FI having strippers/dancers at his bachelor party. I am posting this in Etiquette because it is turning into an etiquette kind of situation...Sort of.
The reason I am opposed to strippers is that I was an exotic dancer for 6 months during college - and the experiences I had/the men I met still haunt me to this day. It is just not the place that I want to visualize my future husband enjoying and having a good time in. FI knows all about my past and is wholeheartedly in support of my objection and does not want strippers at the bachelor party. The problem lies with FI's best man - we will call him Jay. Jay is your typical "bro" and, while he has his sweet side, is a very pushy when it comes to what dictates having a good time. He insists that FI has a "boatload" of strippers at his bachelor party because it is "tradition."
This whole conversation started about a month ago between Jay and FI. First, FI said "Nah, no strippers or strip clubs" to Jay and brushed it off. I guess Jay brought it up a few more times and FI said "no" and bean-dipped him every time. Until last weekend when Jay started to poke fun at me that I am not "allowing" FI to have strippers. Jay does not know about my past with stripping so he does not understand my objection. It has gone so far that now Jay's girlfriend is pushing the situation, saying "Come on, don't be such a prude... Let the guys have some fun."
I am not sure how to have FI address this with Jay. Apart from telling Jay that I used to strip (it is not something I talk about publicly - as it happened during a really rocky period of my life), I am seeing no other solution to get him to just drop it. What is the polite/discreet way of saying "Dude, Charlie used to BE one of those women" - how can we get him to just stop?
Edited for: Formatting
This discussion has been closed.
Re: No Strippers at the Bachelor Party
June 2012 Bride!
Is there a reason your fiance even remotely hinted this was about you? Why didn't he just say "Jay, I really don't want strippers at my bachelor party. It's just not my thing. I'm not kidding - I won't be attending if there will be strippers arriving."
He needs to take a stand for himself. You should have nothing to do with it (not "you" as in your feelings between you and FI , but "you" as in the reason FI is telling Jay no strippers") in my opinion.
You are allowing an experience you had during your time as a stripper cloud your opinion on this matter...AND you are projecting that onto your fiance.
You've made his bachelor party about you...your feelings, your past and your past experiences. This is supposed to be a night for him and his friends.
Instead, he has a friend wanting to throw him a party...and his future wife all upset over what may or may not happen at that party.
It is pretty much a lose-lose situation for him. He has to go along with you...or he's a jerk.
Your fiance (hopefully) isn't a pig and wouldn't treat any potential strippers that he comes into contact with in a disrespectful manner. Additionally...he would hopefully be respectful enough of you and your relationship to not disrespect that either.
Let it go. Let him have a night with his friends. Don't make it about your past, etc.
If you can't trust your fiance not to be inappropriate then that's a completely different situation.
Honestly though - I'd still just drop the subject and let it go. Otherwise, you're going to give yourself stress and a headache over worrying about how, when, etc your fiance will handle this situation.
One thing I've learned is to just trust my fiance to handle his own shit. Be that with his friends, with bills, with returning calls to his Mom/Aunt, etc.
I let HIM handle it. Sometimes, it takes more self control than others to let him handle it and mind my own business (I can tend to be a bit of a control freak)...but I've found that it keeps me from becoming a nag and also keeps me from worrying too much about HIS business.
If your fiance is opposed to strippers, etc...I'm sure that he'll handle his friend. In whatever way he sees fit to handle him.
Just trust that however this ends up...your fiance respects YOU and that's what matters.
The guest of honor at the party does not want strippers. He needs to make his friend understand that if strippers show up, against his wishes, then there will be consequences.
Best not to spell out consequences in advance, as that comes across as an ultimatum. Ultimatums can be challenging to bonehead like Jay.
FI can make a promise to himself that if strippers arrive, he will get up and leave. Call a cab, go home. Then, after a good night sleep, reconsider his friendship with Jay.
I agree completely with all of this including the use of the highlighted portions of the OP. I know that you came back to clarify that FI apparently doesn't want strippers either, but it's pretty obvious from the original post that this largely bothers you. If it bothers your FI enough that he would want to leave the party or not attend at all, he'll make his feelings known to his friend without your encouragement.
Fatty Blog
If one of my friends had ignored my request and brought a stripper, I would have asked that he leave. If they refused, I would have left out of respect for my H. My H would have done the same.