Family in Wedding Party

kjtollefson

Hi ladies! First I'd like to say that I browsed back a few pages trying to see if someone had already asked this question (I'm sure it has), but I couldn't find it, so I apologize if you've answered this already! Also, I'm sorry if the format is funky--my iPad doesn't seem to love TK. My fiancé and I got engaged a couple weeks ago (yay!) and are starting to get serious about planning our wedding. I know typically you ask the bridal party anywhere from 6-9 months out (please correct me if I'm wrong), but with FI being a veteran and having mostly military friends and our potential WP being very widespread over the globe, we wanted to give them as much of a heads up as possible. The biggest issue with the wedding party, however, hasn't been our military friends--it's been which of our family to include in the WP. Growing up, my sister and I made a pact to be each other MoHs. I was hers 6 years ago, and though we drifted a little since she and her husband moved to the UK, I still want to her to be mine (she recently found out she's pregnant with their first child, and we've reconnected over how beyond excited I am to be an auntie!). Another potential BM lives in Argentina, another on the opposite coast of the country from us (hence giving them a little bit more of a heads up in order to be able to come such a long way for the wedding). I'd also like to ask FIs sister (who lives far away from FI and I but has already been super excited and helpful with wedding planning) but my mom insists that if I ask his sister, he has to have my brother as one of his groomsmen, even though they're not close. No matter how much I say that it's up to FI and I to decide who is the wedding party, I know it'll be a HUGE sore spot if my sister is the MoH, I ask his sister and my brother is "left out". I mentioned maybe asking my brother be a guest book attendant or another, non-WP role in the wedding and my (crazy) mother just started crying. Any suggestions for how to deal with this? Or do we just suck it up to keep the peace? I'm not planning on officially asking any of them for a little while, but FIs sister is driving down in two weeks to go dress shopping with me, and maybe it is because I'm such an awkward duck, but I feel weird about her helping me without her being a BM. I appreciate any feedback!

manateehugger

Hi and congrats!

I get the military thing - all but one of FI's groomsmen are military so he asked like 16 months out. I forgave him since he was trying to get them to plan leave accordingly. I, personally, think that can be a bit of an exception to the rule. But smart thinking on holding off on asking your girls for now.

Honestly, your mom will have to just get over it. No one can decide who is in your wedding party but you and your fiance. You aren't under any obligation to ask FI's sister to be a BM unless you want to - which it sounds like you do. Just say "Mom, I'm not going to decide who FI wants next to him on our wedding day for him. The wedding party is our decision" and then change the topic immediately.

Does your brother even want to be a groomsman? What about having him stand on your side as a bridesman (if you want him up there)? Don't make up a random task for him (e.g. guestbook, program passer, greeter, etc.) I'd tell her that you'll be sure to get him a bout, ask if he'd like to escort her in during the processional, and include him in family photos. Subject closed.

Jen4948

PDKH said:

Hi and congrats!

I get the military thing - all but one of FI's groomsmen are military so he asked like 16 months out. I forgave him since he was trying to get them to plan leave accordingly. I, personally, think that can be a bit of an exception to the rule. But smart thinking on holding off on asking your girls for now.

Honestly, your mom will have to just get over it. No one can decide who is in your wedding party but you and your fiance. You aren't under any obligation to ask FI's sister to be a BM unless you want to - which it sounds like you do. Just say "Mom, I'm not going to decide who FI wants next to him on our wedding day for him. The wedding party is our decision" and then change the topic immediately.

Does your brother even want to be a groomsman? What about having him stand on your side as a bridesman (if you want him up there)? Don't make up a random task for him (e.g. guestbook, program passer, greeter, etc.) I'd tell her that you'll be sure to get him a bout, ask if he'd like to escort her in during the processional, and include him in family photos. Subject closed.

This.

kjtollefson

Thanks PDKH (and Jen). Sometimes I need to be reminded that I'm not the crazy one for standing up for what my FI and I want out of our own wedding With the military thing--most of FIs friends are currently deployed, so he asked their wives/girlfriends their deployment schedules. Luckily, all but possibly one will be able to make it, and FI didn't officially ask them to be groomsmen (but they probably know its coming). He wants to send them a silly groomsmen/deployment gift, so in my book, he can do that whenever he feels like it in the coming months. As for the ladies, I don't plan asking them for another two months or so. (My best friend asked too early and had a bit of a fallout with one of her maids, and I'd like to avoid that as best as possible). As for my brother, I honestly don't know if he wants to be a groomsman. My brother-in-law included him, even though he didn't really want to and could have had another friend up with him, so my brother might think/expect that it'll happen again. Who knows. It's really up to FI. And I definitely don't want him on my side--very long story short, I love him because he's my brother, but that's about it. I have a hard time respecting a 29 year old who's never had a job (not even during college) and openly admits he doesn't plan on getting one, still lives at home with our parents, and is becoming a financial and emotional burden on the entire family. Basically, not the guy we want standing up with us on our wedding day.

AddieCake

Ditto PDKH

I don't know why some parents think it's the end of the world if their son or daughter isn't "included" in the wedding if another sibling is. You could also ask him to do a reading if you don't have him in the WP. 

manateehugger

Yep, if you don't want him up there, you don't want him up there. Case closed. I'd say just make sure you include him in all family stuff, and you're good.

And I don't get it either, Addie. My sisters will be BM's, but my brother wont be in the WP. My brother and FI get along just fine, but they're far from close. It would be so awkward for my brother to be a groomsman. I can't imagine he would even WANT to be a groomsman.