Seeking Advice!

kmcgaughey08

Hi everyone,

Last weekend my boyfriend and I announced our intention to get married via a family message board. (We're most likely going to elope, so there won't really be an engagement period or any advance notice.) No one responded with well wishes! He had recently met my entire extended family at a reunion, and everyone was warm and welcoming. Our feelings are hurt, and my attitude has now become, if no one cares, we'll DEFINITELY elope. My boyfriend thinks that no one liked him, and I have to admit, these are the only people in the world whose approval I care about, so I was seeking some too!

Am I being oversensitive here? Should I send another message asking if the family had concerns about him or something? (He's not yet included in the message board, so only I would see it.) Should I let them know that I was hoping for their blessings? If these weren't the people I care about most in the world, I'd let it go, but I'm motherless and sibling-less, and my Dad's an uncaring drunk, so the extended family is all I've got.

Thank you so much!

AllieBear725

kmcgaughey08 said:

Hi everyone,

Last weekend my boyfriend and I announced our intention to get married via a family message board. (We're most likely going to elope, so there won't really be an engagement period or any advance notice.) No one responded with well wishes! He had recently met my entire extended family at a reunion, and everyone was warm and welcoming. Our feelings are hurt, and my attitude has now become, if no one cares, we'll DEFINITELY elope. My boyfriend thinks that no one liked him, and I have to admit, these are the only people in the world whose approval I care about, so I was seeking some too!

Am I being oversensitive here? Should I send another message asking if the family had concerns about him or something? (He's not yet included in the message board, so only I would see it.) Should I let them know that I was hoping for their blessings? If these weren't the people I care about most in the world, I'd let it go, but I'm motherless and sibling-less, and my Dad's an uncaring drunk, so the extended family is all I've got.

Thank you so much!

Maybe since you're not yet engaged that's why they didn't respond with well wishes. What exactly did they say about it? OR maybe they are upset that y'all are eloping and won't get to attend? It's hard to say. Things can def come across construed on a message board vs face to face, or a phone call.  

manateehugger

Honestly, I wouldn't be all that gushingly excited if my cousin or close friend said "My boyfriend and I plan to elope eventually!" It's almost like saying "I'm having a wedding, but we have no date or plans at the moment and you wont be invited!" See what I mean? Eloping is certainly your choice to make, but you can't really expect people to start parades for an event they wont be asked to attend.

Maybe you could schedule a get-together for everyone to kind of hang out and get to know him better. And I'd avoid the message board, honestly. Do you have a grandparent or aunt/uncle that you can call up to discuss your plans with? Face-to-face or at least a phone call is always better for these kinds of things IMO.  

ETA: I had told my mom before I "officially" got engaged that I intended to eventually marry my FI. She was happy for me, but there wasn't anything major about it - we weren't planning anything yet and still had some life to get through.

Maggie0829

If you aren't officially engaged then I don't really see why people would be excited.  Basically you are saying "hey so we are going to get married at some point but we aren't engaged yet."  My H and I had been together 8 years before he proposed.  I knew we were going to get married.  My H knew we were going to get married.  Our family and friends knew it was a matter of time but no one showed any excitement until it became official.

Also, announcing something over a message board is pretty impersonal.  If you are going to get married that news should be conveyed either face to face or by phone.

NerdyLucy

This may be a silly question, but how sure are you that everyone even read it?

Like do you mean that people responded, but not with well wishes? Or do you mean that they haven't responded at all?

kmcgaughey08

Hey thanks so much for your responses, ladies!

We definitely didn't mention eloping at all. Just that it was our intention to get married and build a life together. We got rings from my father that are family heirlooms, and that was a face-to-face conversation. Then I reported to everyone that I'm wearing those rings basically as promise rings. We won't really ever get engaged, we're just going to hop onto a boat or fly to New Zealand or something when the time comes. We're spontaneous kinds of people.

I did get ONE response, my uncle making a joke about not being able to use the 'L' word towards my boyfriend yet but definitely being able to use it about his vintage hot rod. (That's fair!) Other than that, completely ignored. It might be a message board (Yahoo group, really,) but we all get e-mailed when a new post is made. We also live all across the country so this method o communication is normal. We announce births and graduations etc. on it a lot. I was expecting at least, "Good. We like him."

I think you're right to point out that just announcing your intentions isn't really the real deal and doesn't warrant parades. My hope was just that people would say they approve!

NerdyLucy

This is probably just an issue of semantics, but to me, it sounds like you're technically already engaged since you have plans to marry.

RamonaFlowers

I'm confused how OP's dad is "an uncaring drunk" that also had a face-to-face conversation with her about her marrying her boyfriend that resulted in him giving her family heirloom rings.

Teddy917

They could also be a little upset that they found out in such an impersonal way. If these people are as important to you as you say they are, they probably would've reacted better to a phone call.

tiny speck

kmcgaughey08 said:

Hey thanks so much for your responses, ladies!

We definitely didn't mention eloping at all. Just that it was our intention to get married and build a life together. We got rings from my father that are family heirlooms, and that was a face-to-face conversation. Then I reported to everyone that I'm wearing those rings basically as promise rings. We won't really ever get engaged, we're just going to hop onto a boat or fly to New Zealand or something when the time comes. We're spontaneous kinds of people.

If you are wearing a ring and planning to spontaneously get married sometime in the future, I'd say you are engaged. Wearing the ring as a "promise ring" and saying you're never going to "get engaged", just get married, sounds way too confusing and honestly, pretty silly.

Also, I'm pretty sure you can't just "fly to New Zealand" and get married. You need to do at least a bit of planning and figure out residency and other legal requirements....

Anyways, good luck.

margaretskye

Agree with the PPs that it probably wasn't all that exciting to your family that you're get married at some point - and that a message board is kind of impersonal so maybe they didn't feel obligated to reply. I am sorry you didn't get the response you wanted though. Maybe if you called your relatives individually and explained to them how excited you are, and what you really mean by "our intent to marry" they would share in your excitement a little more.

Sandra

What exactly did you tell them? If it was something like "we are getting married but not yet and you’re not invited" or "we are thinking of getting married soon" that may be the reason why nobody has say anything.

Give them some time and when you have a date of when would you guys are going to do it, then tell them again. I do not think is because they did not like him.

doeydo

What was your wording?  Perhaps they might think that you two are just discussing marriage and not actually thinking about doing it anytime soon.  Or, maybe they are waiting for something more formal.  Like a phone call saying "we're getting married!".