MOH not participating much

nymeria16

I need some help dealing with the MOH,  I do not want to overstep my bounds but I am getting fed up. 

Some background first: My best friend is getting married, her sister is MOH, then there is me and three other girls as bridesmaids. A mutual friend from college, her HS best friend, and the groom's sister. I have meet them all, but they have not meet each other, we all basically live in different cities. I have some issues with the MOB and decided years ago not to speak to her again, I will if I must, but I am trying to avoid it. 

The issue is the MOH is not doing anything!

I know tradition is the family does not host the shower, but the last few weddings I have been apart of the Mother wanted to control the whole thing. I have asked the MOH to ask her mother if the mother want to hold a shower. I have no issues either way, but if she does not I want to start planning one. I really do not want to plan one with her (did this with the last wedding I was in, had no issues with the MOB, and it still did not work out well). I have sent her messages once a month for the past four months asking if the MOB want to do the shower. There has been responses, but none that acknowledge that question. Do I need to cave and call the MOB? I really do not want to, she is not a easy woman to deal with and I am worried if something happens and we argue again she will take it out on the bride. I do not want that. I know we could both do a shower, but that would be silly since we would invite many of the same people. I do not want to start to plan one and then find out she wanted to do it because she may take it out on the bride. 

The messages I have sent to the MOH also asked about the bachelorette party. She has asked for my ideas, but never said if she liked any. Every girl lives in a different city and everyone is on a different budget. I want to get all the girls talking to get an idea of what we can spend and what we can do. I offered to get a facebook group or email set up for all of us to communicate, but she said she would, a month and half ago... nothing yet. 

The Bride said her sister has not been very excited for other parts of the planning process. She has asked her to go to wedding shows and look at dresses for both the bride and BM dresses and she has met resistance. The MOH has no interest in doing these things. 

I want to do my part to give my friend the best pre-wedding parties she could hope for, but it is hard when her sister is not participating. I sent her another message today, if I she does not start showing some will to help out, should I do it myself? Will this overstep my bounds as BM not MOH? This is her only sister and I do not want to take the experience from her, but she does not seem to want it. Right now I am local, in town with the bride and MOH and can go look at rooms to rent if I end up doing the shower, but in a month I am moving and starting grad school. I do not know how much time will have to plan then.

Should I start talking with the other girls now or wait even longer for the MOH to step up and do her duties.  

cbrown828

The MOH does not have any "duties" other than buying a dress and showing up for the wedding. Showers and B-parties are gift given by whoever would like to organize them. If you're so concerned about them, plan it yourself.

Am I the only one who wonders why we seem to have a new "The MOH isn't doing her duties" post every day? We need a sticky.

nymeria16

Personally, I would be pissed if my girls just "bought a dress and showed up." If they did not want to participate in one of the biggest moments of my life, they should not have agreed to be in the wedding. 

Teddy917

Nymeria, it certainly is nice if your BMs do that stuff for you and most will want to do something more for you, it just should never be expected. People might want to but they can't always spend hundreds of dollars on parties. If I were a BM right now, the bride would be lucky if I was able to buy the dress, since I barely have enough money to survive. I would certainly attend a bridal shower and buy a cheap gift off the registry, but if I had to plan it, she wouldn't be getting one, because I just plain can't afford it.

cbrown828

There's a difference between the bridesmaids doing those extra things because they want to, and doing them because the bride expects them to. If that's what would piss you off, I feel bad for your bridesmaids because I've been there.

nymeria16

I am not talking about expensive parties. I am talking about just getting together and hanging out and having a good time. 

The day before the last wedding I was in we went to one of the BM's house since she has a nice patio and hot tub. Everyone brought a snack (many home made) and a bottle of wine and we had a great time! It cost me about $20. 

cbrown828

That sounds like it was a lot of fun. But even if one of the girls couldnt make it or just didn't want to, she's still not required to hang out. That where the line starts to be crossed- when brides (or BM's, in this post) start to demand that everyone be super duper excited for their wedding and want to hang out and talk about it all. the. time. I'm not saying you did this, just speaking generally.

 

nymeria16

I am not requiring that anyone do anything. If the MOH does not want to do the shower or bachlorette party, I have no issue with that. I just do not want to take it away from her if she does want to plan those things. She is the MOH and the sister to the bride. If she wants to do these things, she should get the chance to first. If she does not want to do it, fine, I just want to know that before I start planning. She keeps telling me she want to do something, but after four months has taken no action. I do not know how long I should wait before taking action on my own. 

cbrown828

Maybe she feels obligated but doesn't really know what to do or doesn't have the funds to do it. Your willingness could be a big help here. As far as how long to wait- when is the wedding? These parties are generally held in the few months before the wedding. If it takes you more than a month or two to plan, in my opinion, it's too complicated.

MairePoppy

@cbrown828 - banana468 posted an excellent sticky on the Wedding Party board.    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/309967/faq-new-here-read-this-first#latest    Still the same questions pop up because no one reads the stickies. It's cyclical. New brides, same old questions.

@nymeria16 - you'd be wrong to be pissed at your girls for fulfilling their basic duties. It's very nice when one or all of them volunteer (key word) to do extra for the bride. But no one should expect any particular person to throw parties or run errands for them. Showers are gifts, not entitlements. You ask your friends to be bms to honor your relationships with them, not to have a small work force at your disposal.

It seems like the MOB and SOG are ignoring your messages. Try changing the message to 'I would like to throw a shower for Bride, if no one else is planning to do so.' The MOB might be misunderstanding your reason for asking her if she'd like to host. It would be best if you actually speak to her. Texting has it's limitations. And scrap the Facebook group idea. Facebook and weddings don't mix well.

If you are going to ask the other bms to co-host, make sure you find out if and how much they're willing to contribute before you start planning. There have been plenty of well meaning hosts who assume that other's budgets are bigger than they actually are. Make sure you plan with the immediately available funds and include all the hosts in the planning. 

nymeria16

We have quite a bit of time before the parties, I expect them to be around Jan/Feb. But I am starting grad school in Aug and am not sure how much time I will have to plan while working and going to school. Also, I know the girl who lives the farthest away is on a tight budget and if she wants to come back for the parties I want to give her enough time to save up for it.

 I am most worried about getting a general date set. As I said, all the girls but the MOH are out of town so if we can work around work/school schedules then the people in the wedding can come without taking time off. Three of us live in with in a 3-4 hour drive or 5 hour train ride, but the one lives a 26 hour drive away so she will be the hardest to get back into town. I do not want her to be excluded because she did not get the info in time or any say in the date. 

@mariePoppy I would love to not use facebook, but that is the only contact info I have for most of these girls. And it does have a good form that everyone can see everyone else response and it is something I know they all check regularly. It would be something only visible to the BMs. 

manateehugger

nymeria16 said:

We have quite a bit of time before the parties, I expect them to be around Jan/Feb. But I am starting grad school in Aug and am not sure how much time I will have to plan while working and going to school. Also, I know the girl who lives the farthest away is on a tight budget and if she wants to come back for the parties I want to give her enough time to save up for it.

 I am most worried about getting a general date set. As I said, all the girls but the MOH are out of town so if we can work around work/school schedules then the people in the wedding can come without taking time off. Three of us live in with in a 3-4 hour drive or 5 hour train ride, but the one lives a 26 hour drive away so she will be the hardest to get back into town. I do not want her to be excluded because she did not get the info in time or any say in the date. 

@mariePoppy I would love to not use facebook, but that is the only contact info I have for most of these girls. And it does have a good form that everyone can see everyone else response and it is something I know they all check regularly. It would be something only visible to the BMs. 

You should not be planning nor expecting bachelorette parties and showers. These events are GIFTS. That's like going up to a friend and saying "I'd love those Kate Spade shoes from you for Christmas. Awesome, love ya!"

Don't set a date - let your girls (or even someone not in the wedding party) set the date. I recieved a doodle once from a bride's family friend who was hosting a shower. It worked beautifully for scheduling purposes. Point being - leave your girls alone! It is up to THEM whether you get these parties, not YOU.

 

megan-humphrey

Having just been married a few weeks ago this is one of my biggest tick-offs about modern wedding attitudes. Brides everywhere feel they are entitled to spend all their maid's and MOH's money on parties for themselves. And it is made even worse by the fact that many brides expect the friend to just read their mind and know it is the "duty" (it isn't) to throw a party. Bridesmaids and MOHs are not required to throw you parties. You are not entitled to those things in the same way that getting married does not entitle you to wedding presents. Guests can give gifts if they want to/ can afford to. 

That being said, if you really want a party of some sort discuss it with you MOH and/or bridesmaids. She may not know or have thought that this was something she should organize, especially if she has never been a part of a wedding before. 

Just remember that you would like to still have these friendships when the wedding is over. Keep the request kind and reasonable. If she hates throwing parties or can not afford to perhaps you have other friends/family who can chip in or plan the party. 

manateehugger

@megan-humphrey@hotmail.com

I gave you some love! However, you should change your username to something that's not your email and not your full name - it can make it way too easy for people to find you!

kiddodarling

PDKH said:

nymeria16 said:

We have quite a bit of time before the parties, I expect them to be around Jan/Feb. But I am starting grad school in Aug and am not sure how much time I will have to plan while working and going to school. Also, I know the girl who lives the farthest away is on a tight budget and if she wants to come back for the parties I want to give her enough time to save up for it.

 I am most worried about getting a general date set. As I said, all the girls but the MOH are out of town so if we can work around work/school schedules then the people in the wedding can come without taking time off. Three of us live in with in a 3-4 hour drive or 5 hour train ride, but the one lives a 26 hour drive away so she will be the hardest to get back into town. I do not want her to be excluded because she did not get the info in time or any say in the date. 

@mariePoppy I would love to not use facebook, but that is the only contact info I have for most of these girls. And it does have a good form that everyone can see everyone else response and it is something I know they all check regularly. It would be something only visible to the BMs. 

You should not be planning nor expecting bachelorette parties and showers. These events are GIFTS. That's like going up to a friend and saying "I'd love those Kate Spade shoes from you for Christmas. Awesome, love ya!"

Don't set a date - let your girls (or even someone not in the wedding party) set the date. I recieved a doodle once from a bride's family friend who was hosting a shower. It worked beautifully for scheduling purposes. Point being - leave your girls alone! It is up to THEM whether you get these parties, not YOU.

 

@PDKH She's not the bride, she's just a bridesmaid trying to help plan some pre-wedding parties.

I would say why don't you just start getting some ideas together and start planning the shower/BP yourself? MOH's aren't required to plan any parties. You seem to be the one really into it and if the MOH hasn't started doing anything then its fair game, maybe the MOH doesn't want to plan a party.

cbrown828

I understand wanting to plan ahead early to accommodate those living out of state. I personally would never travel 4 hours for a shower (maybe a bachelorette if it was an overnight deal), so be prepared that not everyone may be able to make the trip for one or both.

Go ahead and start planning. MairePoppy's advice is pretty sound.

P.S. @MairePoppy, I visit that board frequently but have never looked at that sticky! Looks like I could pay better attention as well

MairePoppy

Those stickies are practically invisible. They should highlight them with a bolder or different colored font to make them stand out.

cbrown828

I agree! The thumbtacks are so light sometimes it's hard to tell where the stickies end and new posts begin. I did read it though and it's a great sticky.

KJiras

I agree with some PPs here - I suggest giving the MOH a call and tell her you'd like to host a bridal shower for the bride if the MOH and her mother weren't already planning to do so.  You're going to have to get a direct answer out of her. And, if they were you can say you'd love to co-host, contribute, etc. Texting/Email sometimes can get misconstrued and also can give a person an out to not answer your question. She may not be into showers, she may be financially limited, or given how much time you have she just may not be a planner" personality who wants to start early. 

Sounds like the wedding is quite some time off if you wouldn't be holding the shower for six months. Getting all the bridesmaids together from different cities (should they want/be able to attend) takes some coordination. If you find out they aren't planning one, and you are going to host/co-host a shower, it can't hurt to get each girls contact info and ask what dates those months work for them. Then, you can at least have a target to work towards.