ettiquette no-no or not ?

southernbelle0915

ashleyep said:

southernbelle0915 said:

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal?  But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items?  Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there? 

YOU CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. You don't tell a guest "you can order this, but not that. And please refrain from ordering steak because that's on the more expensive side. Also, please don't think it's ok to upgrade your salad or add an additional side... it's really not in my budget."  

NO. You pick a restaurant where your guest can eat and drink what they like. Period. 

So then you have to offer alcohol to your guests is what you're saying? It's almost impossible to find a restaurant without a liquor license, so offering a "dry" party is basically not possible, even though it's correct etiquette-wise.

Yes. That is what I'm saying. If you choose a restaurant, you do not limit the menu for your guests. If they order chicken alfredo, you pay for it. If they order a glass of wine, you pay for it.

crunchymamaof2

If you invite someone to dinner at a restaurant how can you limit what you host? You can't give them a menu with some things checked off that are okay to order. Now, I probably wouldn't order alcohol (unless I was told it was okay), but I would certainly expect a soda or coffee to be included with my dinner. How awkward to be told "okay you owe $2.75 for your soda/French fries/cake" after enjoying a meal you had been invited to.

There are plenty of restaurants that don't service alcohol. It doesn't have to be fancy. And if you invite someone out to dinner to a restaurant that does offer alcohol then your guest has the right to order it.

 

(this was supposed to post a page ago but the forums keep telling me I'm not allowed to post even though I'm logged in. Then when I re-log in the same thing happens about 1-3 more times. I'm getting irritated)

NYCBruin

ashleyep said:

NYCBruin said:

ashleyep said:

southernbelle0915 said:

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal?  But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items?  Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there? 

YOU CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. You don't tell a guest "you can order this, but not that. And please refrain from ordering steak because that's on the more expensive side. Also, please don't think it's ok to upgrade your salad or add an additional side... it's really not in my budget."  

NO. You pick a restaurant where your guest can eat and drink what they like. Period. 

So then you have to offer alcohol to your guests is what you're saying? It's almost impossible to find a restaurant without a liquor license, so offering a "dry" party is basically not possible, even though it's correct etiquette-wise.

You can certainly host a dry party if you rent out part of the restaurant and don't make alcohol available.

Or host the party at your home and not make alcohol available.

Or host the party anywhere else that does not have alcohol.

True, but you still can't stop your guests from popping over to the restaurant bar and getting a drink. So you still essentially have a cash bar, even if you're not condoning it.

Though I do agree that saying "order what you want from the menu, but not alcohol" is incredibly awkward. I guess I assumed it would be a buffet type thing that many restaurants offer. 

I may be wrong on this, but if the event you are hosting does not have a bar in the room then there is not a cash bar.  If people (rudely) choose to leave your hosted event to go to the restaurant's main bar, then that's on them.

BangBangs39

Where I live there is not one restaurant that is not a fast food chain that doesn't serve alcohol.  Even some of the fast food places do (for example the local Chipotle serves alcohol) - also, many restaurants in the area offer reserved seating, but renting out the entire restaurant would cost you an arm and a leg (a friend asked at a local place once and they said if it was within normal business hours they would have to cover the cost of what the restaurant would have made during that time). 

I'm going back to agree to disagree - if you invite others to dinner and you are going to pay, it is my opinion that you have every right to let them know what you can offer them especially since offering a limited menu is improbable.  You disagree - that's perfectly fine.  I personally don't order things that are expensive or alcohol unless I'm told otherwise and would never expect something like that from anyone I know.

NYCBruin

BangBangs39 said:

Where I live there is not one restaurant that is not a fast food chain that doesn't serve alcohol.  Even some of the fast food places do (for example the local Chipotle serves alcohol) - also, many restaurants in the area offer reserved seating, but renting out the entire restaurant would cost you an arm and a leg (a friend asked at a local place once and they said if it was within normal business hours they would have to cover the cost of what the restaurant would have made during that time). 

I'm going back to agree to disagree - if you invite others to dinner and you are going to pay, it is my opinion that you have every right to let them know what you can offer them especially since offering a limited menu is improbable.  You disagree - that's perfectly fine.  I personally don't order things that are expensive or alcohol unless I'm told otherwise and would never expect something like that from anyone I know.

I usually follow the lead of the person who invited me to dinner.  If they order an appetizer, I'll order an appetizer.  If they order a cocktail, I'll order a cocktail.  

That said, if I'm inviting someone else to dinner, I'm prepared to pay for whatever they may order.  If I can't afford it, I find a less expensive restaurant or invite them over for a home-cooked meal.  

ashleyep

NYCBruin said:

ashleyep said:

NYCBruin said:

ashleyep said:

southernbelle0915 said:

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal?  But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items?  Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there? 

YOU CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. You don't tell a guest "you can order this, but not that. And please refrain from ordering steak because that's on the more expensive side. Also, please don't think it's ok to upgrade your salad or add an additional side... it's really not in my budget."  

NO. You pick a restaurant where your guest can eat and drink what they like. Period. 

So then you have to offer alcohol to your guests is what you're saying? It's almost impossible to find a restaurant without a liquor license, so offering a "dry" party is basically not possible, even though it's correct etiquette-wise.

You can certainly host a dry party if you rent out part of the restaurant and don't make alcohol available.

Or host the party at your home and not make alcohol available.

Or host the party anywhere else that does not have alcohol.

True, but you still can't stop your guests from popping over to the restaurant bar and getting a drink. So you still essentially have a cash bar, even if you're not condoning it.

Though I do agree that saying "order what you want from the menu, but not alcohol" is incredibly awkward. I guess I assumed it would be a buffet type thing that many restaurants offer. 

I may be wrong on this, but if the event you are hosting does not have a bar in the room then there is not a cash bar.  If people (rudely) choose to leave your hosted event to go to the restaurant's main bar, then that's on them.

Eh seems like a reasonable compromise to me. Here's what I'm hosting, if you want something to drink, go get it from the bar. Not really worth getting upset about, in my opinion.

NYCBruin

ashleyep said:

Eh seems like a reasonable compromise to me. Here's what I'm hosting, if you want something to drink, go get it from the bar. Not really worth getting upset about, in my opinion.

I wouldn't really get upset if someone left the event to grab a drink.  I still think it's a little tacky to be like "hey thanks for hosting this event but I can't make it through without a drink."  It's sorta like when people bring flasks to dry weddings.

Anyways, my point was mostly that if you don't have a cash bar WHERE the event is being hosted, then it's not really rude because there isn't a cash bar at your event.  

Xstatic3333

Oh man, this thread got me nervous for a second!  For our RD we have a private room and are going to print little menus explaining what's hosted (beer, a couple of wine selections, and everything nonalcoholic).  I'd assume that OP's pre-wedding party is a similar set up, only nothing is hosted.  I agree that it would be awkward to be in the main restaurant with a full menu and tell guests that their hosted choices are limited. 

(PS If I'm wrong and my RD plan is no good, let me know.  It's not too late to change it.)

OP, it does sound like your friend breached etiquette with the cash bar.  It's not something that would have personally bothered me, and I would probably still attend it if I was a guest at the DW, but it is a planning mistake that hopefully other brides can avoid.

TKzilla

BangBangs39 said:

Where I live there is not one restaurant that is not a fast food chain that doesn't serve alcohol.  Even some of the fast food places do (for example the local Chipotle serves alcohol) - also, many restaurants in the area offer reserved seating, but renting out the entire restaurant would cost you an arm and a leg (a friend asked at a local place once and they said if it was within normal business hours they would have to cover the cost of what the restaurant would have made during that time). 

I'm going back to agree to disagree - if you invite others to dinner and you are going to pay, it is my opinion that you have every right to let them know what you can offer them especially since offering a limited menu is improbable.  You disagree - that's perfectly fine.  I personally don't order things that are expensive or alcohol unless I'm told otherwise and would never expect something like that from anyone I know.

Dude, Chuck E. Cheese's serves beer. Doesn't mean I'm buying pitchers for all the adults that come with their kids for a birthday party.

BangBangs39

CourtaniaLynn said:.

Dude, Chuck E. Cheese's serves beer. Doesn't mean I'm buying pitchers for all the adults that come with their kids for a birthday party.

That's kinda exactly my point, they serve it - but that doesn't mean your going to buy it. 

@Kindasparkly - I can account for your experience, I can only account for my own and stories I've been told.  The restaurants where I am in the state, don't do that.  The point I was trying to make was that I didn't see how it was rude for you to say to your guests, hey this is what I can afford to cover.  Just because someplace offers something doesn't mean you are entitled to get it.

[Deleted User]

Chuck E. Cheese SERVES BEER? Having kids is going to be more awesome than I thought.

AddieCake

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

TKzilla

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

You buying?

[Deleted User]

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

YES! Might I suggest Chuck E Cheese?

AddieCake

CourtaniaLynn said:

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

You buying?

Of course. 

PrettyGirlLost

LMc0322 said:

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

YES! Might I suggest Chuck E Cheese?

I call the ball pit!

NYCBruin

AddieL73 said:

CourtaniaLynn said:

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

You buying?

Of course. 



Are you really buying or are you going to invite me to a bar and then say I can only order a glass of wine?

I mean, I'd drink it. But I could really use something stronger after this thread.

southernbelle0915

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

Make it a double. Has NYU been reborn? 

TKzilla

PrettyGirlLost said:

LMc0322 said:

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

YES! Might I suggest Chuck E Cheese?

I call the ball pit!

That's fine. I'm going to sit at the top of the slide and charge admission. Two tokens or five tickets to go down.

AddieCake

NYCBruin said:

 

Are you really buying or are you going to invite me to a bar and then say I can only order a glass of wine? I mean, I'd drink it. But I could really use something stronger after this thread.

Wine?!  Well, aren't you fancy!  I was thinking we could all play Edward 40-hands. 

NYCBruin

AddieL73 said:

NYCBruin said:

AddieL73 said:

 

Are you really buying or are you going to invite me to a bar and then say I can only order a glass of wine?

I mean, I'd drink it. But I could really use something stronger after this thread.

Wine?!  Well, aren't you fancy!  I was thinking we could all play Edward 40-hands. 


I knew I liked you! Edward 40-hands sounds awesome.

southernbelle0915

Liatris2010 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

BangBangs39 said:

Liatris2010 said:

Actually, that is exactly what you assume, because it is rude to offer them to your guests and then not pay for them. You should only offer what you can afford. Period, end of discussion. Restaurants are not an exception to the rule. If you don't want to buy things the restaurant offers, don't invite people to the restaurant.

I'm sorry but that to me is just asinine - you honestly expect the restaurant to re-work their whole menu to cater to reservations for groups?  You can't see how idiotic that logic is? 

Very large groups, yes you could use a function room at an event hall and be able to only offer specific things- however for a small gathering, most function halls have a minimum number of guests, so you go to a restaurant, where you don't get to ask for them to change/create a menu for your just because you think you are the queen bee.  It doesn't work that way.  If any person ever walked in to one of the restaurants I worked at and made such requests, both I and the owners would have laughed hysterically at them.

Lia can speak for herself, but you missed the point by a mile. You don't invite people to THAT restaurant. You invite them to a restaurant where you are comfortable hosting whatever a guest order off the menu.

Can you imagine if someone took a date to Ruth's Chris and told her she was on her own for booze and any appetizers she ordered? No. If he did, it would be considered rude. 

ETA quotes not separating

~~~
southernbelle0915 for taking up the cause.

And yeah, I definitely needed a few drinks after that.

EDIT: Quote boxes are tricky.
Anytime

[Deleted User]

AddieL73 said:

NYCBruin said:

 

Are you really buying or are you going to invite me to a bar and then say I can only order a glass of wine? I mean, I'd drink it. But I could really use something stronger after this thread.

Wine?!  Well, aren't you fancy!  I was thinking we could all play Edward 40-hands. 

I never played that because I was always too terrified that I wouldn't finish quick enough to get a hand free and would probably pee in my own pants.

[Deleted User]

Also, I'm glad that I specified that I feared peeing in my own pants.  No fear of peeing in someone else's pants.  Clearly.

[Deleted User]

Liatris2010 said:

Maybe if you sat on their lap?

Quit being smarter than me. It's hurting my feelings.

[Deleted User]

This reminds me of a graduation party I was invited to many years ago, at a very posh country club.  How fancy, lovely food and drink, close to a hundred people.  Wow so nice for a high school graduation.  And of course I gave the girl a gift.  But whoa to my surprise, two weeks later I get a BILL from the country club !  How the heck they kept track of everyone's food and drinks' who knows.  Annnnnddddd, I never got a thank you note from the graduate!

TKzilla

Or if you borrowed someone else's pants.

[Deleted User]

Liatris2010 said:

LMc0322 said:

Liatris2010 said:

Maybe if you sat on their lap?

Quit being smarter than me. It's hurting my feelings.

Well, I wanted to give you a gif hug, so your feelings would feel better, but I'm too stupid to get it to work, so have a hug and feel secure in that you on on the top of the intellect tower today.

Now I am happy.

wittykitty14

PrettyGirlLost said:

LMc0322 said:

AddieL73 said:

Does anybody else need a drink after reading this thread?

YES! Might I suggest Chuck E Cheese?

I call the ball pit!

The ball pit is MINE!!!! 

[Deleted User]

Liatris2010 said:

IamTheMommaOfTheBride said:

This reminds me of a graduation party I was invited to many years ago, at a very posh country club.  How fancy, lovely food and drink, close to a hundred people.  Wow so nice for a high school graduation.  And of course I gave the girl a gift.  But whoa to my surprise, two weeks later I get a BILL from the country club !  How the heck they kept track of everyone's food and drinks' who knows.  Annnnnddddd, I never got a thank you note from the graduate!

What did you do with the bill? Personally, I would have mailed it to the girl's parents.

We were so shocked, we debated ignoring it, but ended up paying it.  But we talked to quite a few other parents who were invited and they were just as shocked.  I don't think anyone had the nerve to say anything to the "hosts".  That might have been the last time we ever had any contact with them.