Grieving the Past

aimsforyou

Hi Fellow Knotties,

I want to start this post out by saying that I have read through the "It's normal" post and did find some comfort there, but I wanted to share this experience as well for others that may need to hear it.

My first marriage ended because we had both hurt each other to much to go on. We could not rebuild any trust or love out of the destruction we both had caused in each other lives. When we walked away from each other, we agreed that it was the best decision.

I meet my FI 2 years later and I am truly happy with the life that we are building together, but yesterday, as I was packing boxes to make my move to be with my new man I came upon an envelope of pictures that my XH had sent to me when we were still "working it out." They were pictures of our friends (over half of whom no longer speak to me), our dog (who was my Valentine's Day present but now lives with him), our house (which went into foreclosure), and our families (he is still in contact with mine, but no one in his talks to me) and I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness at all that I had lost. There was this whole other life out there that I had spent years building filled with people, and animals, and love that was ripped away when we split.

I am completely over my XH, but I know that part of me still grieves the life that I left behind and all the things that were a part of it. I don't know if anyone else can relate to that, but I just needed to get it out there because it has had me feeling down. I also want to talk to my FI about it. We tend to share everything with each other, but I am very afraid he will not understand this and it may even hurt him. 

Any feedback, advice or shared experience is welcome. 

clg1213

I think there's always some memories.  For me, we got married just before a move so sometimes all the Boston years feel like they've been cut out (esp since he stayed and kept our Boston friends while I moved away...he had a job there, I didn't and wasn't happy there).  It feels like a 4y gap sometimes. Being me, I mostly miss some favorite restaurants.  I also think Ex may have said some things given the change in demeanor of some folks (i.e. -responsive on FB)

I have talked to FI a bit about the things a wedding brings up.  Esp b/c I had to veto a site that was too much like my first....he got upset and couldn't really understand.  But generally he knows that I was with Ex for 8 years total, starting just months after finishing grad school, he was there for most of my adult life (till now...and these years are MUCH better)

 

It happened.  We had lives before...complete lives about moe than just the Ex.  Our new partners need to accept that realty.  We can help by not dwelling too much in front of them....although letting them know you have been missing OTHER parts of your life is good (so he gets what you are dealing with).

Still, I always make sure to end any direct mention by noting how much happier FI makes me, how Ex was clueless but FI can change my oil and also tune-up my laptop (and maybe some PG13+++++ things that make FI better)!  It helps establish I've moved on, that I am NOT regretting the divorce even if I miss an element of my old life and the ego boost (all true!) never hurts!

I am nt writing wonderfully tonight....meds issues...but know you are heard ad you are not alone

right1thistime

Aimsforyou - what you have written is just spot on for many SW brides.  When I hear first timers marrying men who have been married before, and they express anxiety, concern, even jealousy about the life that happened before, I always wonder if they will ever really "get it". 

You see, you were in love before.  You were enough in love to get married.  It wasn't a drunken decision in Vegas (I don't think so anyway), that you woke up from and went "whoops!".  It was a loving, happy marriage that died.  I really like that language, by the way, a marriage that died.  I read it on an Episcopal church website and it really made me feel connected.  It was real, it was good (even if it wasn't mature, or healthy or reciprocal or whatever was the fault) and then it was gone.  You have to grieve it. 

For me, I had to go to counseling to understand what I was feeling and to feel confident that I would make better decisions in the future.  And I had to come to forgive myself before I could ever get anywhere near to forgiving my xH. 

Today, I can comfortably recall the good times with my xH, I can share those thoughts with DH without him feeling threatened.  I can reminisce with my kids about their life before the divorce.  I can see my xH's faults without the anger & pain that I used to feel.  That helps my kids to see him in a real light, and protects them from his hurtful behavior.  It's like saying "daddy's left handed, that's why he uses scissors backwards".  Matter of fact statements. 

Have you ever been on an awesome vacation, having a grand time, and then felt like you missed your bed, or your comfy chair, or your own bathroom?  It doesn't diminish the value & awesomeness of the vacation, it is just human nature to be "homesick" to long to return the familiar.  That is similar to what you are feeling.  You love where you are, who you are with, and what your future holds.  But your biology is making you wistful for the old familiar.  Its perfectly normal, and if you can accept it, allow it and acknowledge it as ok, you will find peace.  ~Donna

aimsforyou

It has been a while since I have been on the boards (concentrating on moving, starting new jobs, etc.), but I just wanted to say thanks for the support. Moving to a new town and creating a whole new life with my FI has helped me continue to grow and to understand and accept my past.