What are some etiquette battles you all went through?

ab6704a

Most recently I was discussing shower guest list with a friend (who has offered to host a shower) and mom, when mom brings up cousin A who has a couple bratty little boys that she tends to bring to every event whether invited or not.  Mom asks how we make sure she doesn't bring them to the shower to which I responded  that we address the invite to cousin only.  She responded by saying, yes but how do we "make sure" she still doesn't bring them. I told her there was no proper way to do this and that if she brought them anyways we would just be gracious about it and she would like like an a$$ for being the only person to bring young children to an adult event.  I had to emphasize that she was not allowed to bring this up with cousin, aunt, or anyone else in the family, and that she'd be in big trouble if she did.  I think (I hope) she got the message.  

[Deleted User]

Okay forgive my ignorance but what the heck is bean dipping?? I googled it...and find it very hard to believe that this many people are doing that...esp to MIL, MOB, etc.

AJuliaNJ

TexasBride2014 said:

Okay forgive my ignorance but what the heck is bean dipping?? I googled it...and find it very hard to believe that this many people are doing that...esp to MIL, MOB, etc.

Haha! I just Googled it. That is definitely NOT what they are recommending. They are saying to basically change the subject:

Mom: TexasBride, you should have a dollar dance. Everyone in the family has done it and received enough money to pay for their honeymoon.

TexasBride: That sounds very interesting. Have you tried this bean dip? It's so incredibly good.

Mom: Everyone expects it and will be disappointed if it's not done.

TexasBride: Really, you have to try this bean dip! It's the best I've ever had.

[Deleted User]

ahahahaha makes MUCH more sense...thanks @AJuliaNJ

margaretskye

Well, we only recently announced our engagement so we've yet to have any huge etiquette dilemmas, but I keep having people facebook messaging me saying, "OMG I'd better be invited!!! lol!!" And 9 times out of 10 the people saying this are probably (or definitely) not going to be invited. I'm sure it's because I'm younger than the average bride, so a lot of the people I know have very little experience with wedding etiquette...or are just generally rude.

I've just been responding with, "Hah, well it's not for a while yet but it will probably just be family since we're just going to be poor college grads!" That seems to be working for now, although I expect it will get more dramatic as we get closer to time and people start to realize that they actually aren't invited.

southernbelle0915

FMIL is a very sweet woman, but she wanted to put dress code on the RD invitations. Um, no. Sorry, I know she's hosting, but I...just....couldn't......do it... She also asked me for MONTHS what I wanted her to wear (color, cut, fabric, style, etc.). I kept telling her it was "totally up to you, whatever you felt good in, whatever color you like," and on and on...

Some aunts and uncles are very confused why we aren't doing a dollar dance ("but you can make so much MONEY! Your cousins did."). I've tried to explain it every which way, but it's kind of like explaining evolution to a creationist.

I have a couple of people who think wedding invitations are transferable. 

Nothing major. It's been pretty smooth sailing for the most part.

LyannaStark

Seat for every butt. "That's not how we do it here! Nobody sits down at a wedding!" Well, all the more reason I guess, cause if you're never sitting down you need a chair to put all your stuff in while you're trying to dance and eat and drink at the same time somehow.

Dollar dance. No. Even if it wasn't tacky, I haven't "danced" the middle school sway since, well, middle school, and having to do it with goddamn everybody, small talk, ten thousand remarks about how funny my married name sounds, followed by ten thousand awkward pauses while I debate whether to bother telling them I'm not changing it, etc. Just, no. But I told my mom and stepmom they were welcome to do one! Since it's tradition and all. Honestly, they'd probably have a ball.

Not to mention, you come anywhere near the prettiest most expensive dress I've ever owned with a goddamn safety pin and I will cut you.

Also, no, I cannot address a formal invitation to "Mr. John Doe and Jane" just because you don't want to text John and ask what his girlfriend's last name is.

And really, nobody has pushed back too hard at all, I've been very lucky. I have picked my battles very carefully and for the most part I'm just rolling with whatever. But not if it makes me look like a shitty hostess. (See earlier vent)

harper0813

TexasBride2014 said:

Okay forgive my ignorance but what the heck is bean dipping?? I googled it...and find it very hard to believe that this many people are doing that...esp to MIL, MOB, etc.

You just made me laugh aloud. I genuinely LOL'd.

AlexisA01

@coopergirl15 I know how that feels! I've been on the other side of that before!

ashleyep

coopergirl15 said:

I lost the major etiquette battle I've had so far. FI has only three first cousins. The eldest is married with kids and the two younger cousins (both about FI's age) have definitely been in committed relationships for the last two years mininum. My FI asked his uncle for the addresses of all three siblings and the names of their SOs. His uncle responded right back with the address and names of the married cousin and his wife, and only the addresses of the other two cousins. My FI emailed him another two times asking for the two younger cousins' SOs names and finally got the response "No need, we are flying Younger Cousin 1 and 2 up to your wedding without their SOs. You don't have to include the names of these people on the invitations." WTF? I queried other family members about why it was so damn hard to get the two names I wanted, and finally discovered that FI's uncle and aunt are ashamed that their two younger children are in interracial relationships [!] (one partner is African-American and the other is Asian) and are living together before marriage [!]. So basically FI's aunt and uncle are using our wedding to be both racist and discriminatory against their kids' partners. And they are flying both kids up sans their SOs so they can avoid the "embarrassment" of their kids being seen with these two "unacceptable" individuals. I flipped on FI when I found out. But he asked me to let it go. So I will be writing just the cousins' names on their invites but enclosing a note that says their significant others are more than welcome at the wedding and we would love to meet them. Fuck me. I was angry, but I really had no choice but to drop the argument because FI wanted me to. It's a hard one to swallow, though. /rant.

Can you FI find out their names from facebook or something? There's no way for him to reach out to his cousins himself?

That's a tough one, it would be such a nice gesture to be able to include their names, even if their parents weren't letting them travel with them.

AlexisA01

@coopergirl15
I can't believe they are going with that route. Is there a way you can get other family members to get the numbers. That is just so horrible.  IS there a way you could use trickery to get it from the Uncle?

audreyecu61

Unders the circumstances, circumstances that are not your own doing you've chosen the safest route. Once you meet your cousins you can then have the proper names and the ability to contact them directly.

 

SomethingBeautiful08

@coopergirl15 under the circumstances I think that a hand written note in the invite to the effect of "We understand that you are dating someone, but we could not get her name to address the invite properly.  Please know that we would love to have her join you at our wedding and look forward to meeting her soon." It is tough what you are going though with your family, but keep your head up and realize that you are doing your best, and it will be corrected soon.

swimmy1988

I was lucky in my planning in that I can't think of any major etiquette issues I was faced with.

Now, my brother's engaged and already it seems like there will be some issues. He wants to have a tiered reception to cut down on food costs. They're going to have a big guest list - about double of what my husband and I had because his fi has a big family. So he only wants to invite the family for the dinner - about 100, so assuming everyone they invite comes to the wedding, that means about half of their guest list isn't invited to dinner.

Then my mom brought up the idea of a potluck reception for him... and they considered it...

I'm just glad my wedding is over with so I won't be hearing these suggestions for what to do. I tried to guide my brother and his fiance to come here for etiquette advice but he turned it down, so I'm just going to side-eye the crap out of it for now and hope he comes to his senses. 

swimmy1988

Now that I think of it, everyone asked me what they should wear. I had my bridesmaids asking me what shoes to wear.
I told them any style they preferred, and said nude was my preference for colour. I also mentioned they had to feel comfortable for them since they were wearing the shoes.

Also my MOH asked me how I wanted her hair to look. I think I gave her a stupid look and said "However you like?" and she went on to tell me that a bride whose wedding she was in last year dictated how to wear their hair.

Plus everyone was surprised I didn't want to split up couples during the reception. A few of our attendants have SO's, so they sat with us at the head table. It seemed to be unheard of to other people.

ashleyep

swimmy1988 said:

Now that I think of it, everyone asked me what they should wear. I had my bridesmaids asking me what shoes to wear.
I told them any style they preferred, and said nude was my preference for colour. I also mentioned they had to feel comfortable for them since they were wearing the shoes.

Also my MOH asked me how I wanted her hair to look. I think I gave her a stupid look and said "However you like?" and she went on to tell me that a bride whose wedding she was in last year dictated how to wear their hair.

Plus everyone was surprised I didn't want to split up couples during the reception. A few of our attendants have SO's, so they sat with us at the head table. It seemed to be unheard of to other people.

@swimmy1988 I'm a BM for a wedding this summer and I would have just preferred she tell me what to buy. Some brides say they don't care and they just want us to be comfortable, but they don't always mean it. Or some will dictate a hard to find dress color and I'd rather her just give me a link to a freaking dress to buy, since I'm so small and already limited in where I can buy dresses that I'm not going to be able to find one on my own in her arbitrary shade of green. She ended up picking a color and fabric at David's Bridal, which I preferred, even though I had to spend $100 on alterations since they don't carry my size. (And as an aside, I went to pick up the dress last night and it didn't zip! They took it in too much. DB sucks.)

But anyway, that's just me and I know not everyone else. I'd rather you just give me links to dresses and shoes to buy so I'm not stressing if you're going to like them. I might feel differently after I've been a BM in more than one wedding though, HA.

MyNameIsNot

My MIL nearly lost her mind when I refused to put registry info in the invitations.  She thought I was out of my mind.  I wouldn't even put it on the website!

My grandmother "reused" her invitation to invite some guy I've never even met.  He didn't come, but I'm still pleading ignorance on that one.

My mother wanted to invite her group of girlfriends without their husbands.  The friends wanted to travel without the husbands and have a girls' trip, but my mother fought me when I insisted that I needed to include their names on the invitation anyway.  She finally relented and gave me the husbands' names.  

32daisies

AJuliaNJ said:

TexasBride2014 said:

Okay forgive my ignorance but what the heck is bean dipping?? I googled it...and find it very hard to believe that this many people are doing that...esp to MIL, MOB, etc.

Haha! I just Googled it. That is definitely NOT what they are recommending. They are saying to basically change the subject:

@AJuliaNJ has it right, but you can't deny me the chance to snicker at the full-out bean dip example. I live for this.

Mom: I think you should have a dollar dance. Everyone will expect it. Aren't you going to have one?

TexasBride: No. But have you tried this bean dip? It's great.

Mom: The dollar dance could pay for your honeymoon. It paid for your cousin Susan's.

TexasBride: Susan makes the BEST bean dip. Have you tried hers?

Mom: Dollar dance dollar dance dollar dance

TexasBride: Do you think this bean dip is better than hers? I don't think it is, quite.

Mom: DOLLAR DANCE!
TexasBride: I'm going to go ask Jane what she thinks of the bean dip. Bye!

(you have no idea how much that tickles the heck out of me)

(edited for extra quoting)

32daisies

We've been pretty lucky on etiquette issues. The main one we had to duke it out over was over-inviting. Parents kept submitting way-too-long lists of people we had to invite, and who "definitely wouldn't come". We kept insisting, anyone we invite we have to assume will be there, and your numbers would push us way, way over the top of an already big wedding. It took persistence but we stuck to our guns.

Bubbles2014

The celebrant wanted us to only have chairs at the ceremony for "important guests", to create a more relaxed atmosphere. Shut that one down before the words were out of his mouth. Every butt has a chair, no exceptions. Ya know what's relaxing? Being able to sit down.

My FI saying that his friends don't need to be invited with guests. We aren't inviting single friends with guests, but everyone in a relationship when invites go out will have their SO on the invite.

My mum wanting to invite my aunt to the engagement party when she isn't invited to the wedding (we aren't on talking terms but mum wanted us to make up). Luckily she saw sense and the aunt isn't invited.