Wedding Etiquette Forum

Mother asking people to be my BM and inviting them to the wedding

Last night I ran into my well Stepbrother. (He is visiting his dad) 
 After we said hello and all that. He said that his daughter (he has 3 kids one is a girl) is really looking forward to being a bridesmaid and that all of them were looking forward to the wedding.
I think I must have looked really shocked because he went on to say that he was sorry and that my mother had told them all about the wedding ( she doesnt know anything I have told her nothing about the wedding at all) and that when she told them I was planing on asking his daughter to be a BM. She overheard and so has got really excited. But he was sorry if it spoilt me asking her or sending them their invite. 
Tbh I was so much put on the back foot and just said that I needed to get home.
I didn't really know what to say.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother and I wasn't even sure that she (and so by extension my current step father) would be invited to the wedding.
We weren't going to invite my step brother or his family to the wedding. We have met about 5 times in all.

What am I meant to do? 
Because I can't work out what to do. About my mother, my step brother, his family and specifically his daughter.

Re: Mother asking people to be my BM and inviting them to the wedding

  • Just tell her that your happy that she's excited about the wedding but to plese not invite anyone or tell anyone they will be getting an invite until the guest list is done and finalized because you probably have a budget you are working with and you would hate to have to not invite someone she said could come because there isn't room/budget for them to come.

  • In regards to step brother, if you can swing it, I woulds say invite them. For his daughter, if you don't want her to be  a BM maybe she can do something else like a reading so she still is doing something special. Her parents can still buy her a special outfit for the day. If you do find another thing for her to do, maybe you can still get her a small coursage to make her feel special.
  • Continue to exclude your mother from wedding talk. 

    Have a serious chat with her that you will be making the guest list decisions and all other decisions including who will be in your wedding party. Let her know that she is hurting people's feelings by doing what she's doing because some of these people are either not invited and/or will not be in the wedding party. She needs to understand how bad it's making her look and that just because she tells people these things doesn't mean you and FI are going to cave and do it. Some people seem to think they can get what they want by doing this because you'll feel bad. Don't feel bad.
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  • AddieL73 said:
    WTF?
    Where is that button?! ;)

    And I agree, assuming she isn't contributing (and if she is, seriously consider refusing her offer) exclude your mom from wedding talk/involvement, no one gets to decide the WP but you and FI.  I like Harry's wording for your stepbrother and his daughter.
  • Thanks :)

    There is no way that I could say that to my mother. I have never had a serious conversation with her
    Also why would I have the step brother at the wedding I don't know him. I wouldn't do it because I don't have a relationship with him. 
    Continue to exclude your mother from wedding talk. 

    Have a serious chat with her that you will be making the guest list decisions and all other decisions including who will be in your wedding party. Let her know that she is hurting people's feelings by doing what she's doing because some of these people are either not invited and/or will not be in the wedding party. She needs to understand how bad it's making her look and that just because she tells people these things doesn't mean you and FI are going to cave and do it. Some people seem to think they can get what they want by doing this because you'll feel bad. Don't feel bad.
    I couldn't have a serious conversation with her, she also wouldnt see anything wrong with what she said

    No she isnt . she has nothing to do with the wedding.


  • MrsH86MrsH86 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Tell your step brother that you haven't planned anything yet and that you are unsure of what you mother said because you haven't discussed anything with her. Then never bring up anything about the wedding to him again. Don't tell your mom anything at all. I would just avoid any conversations about it until you are sure of what you want! (I hope this doesn't sound mean, but she shouldn't invite anyone, thats YOUR job)
    ~Happy Wife.... Happy Life~
  • ohmena said:
    Thanks :)

    There is no way that I could say that to my mother. I have never had a serious conversation with her
    Also why would I have the step brother at the wedding I don't know him. I wouldn't do it because I don't have a relationship with him. 
    Continue to exclude your mother from wedding talk. 

    Have a serious chat with her that you will be making the guest list decisions and all other decisions including who will be in your wedding party. Let her know that she is hurting people's feelings by doing what she's doing because some of these people are either not invited and/or will not be in the wedding party. She needs to understand how bad it's making her look and that just because she tells people these things doesn't mean you and FI are going to cave and do it. Some people seem to think they can get what they want by doing this because you'll feel bad. Don't feel bad.
    I couldn't have a serious conversation with her, she also wouldnt see anything wrong with what she said

    No she isnt . she has nothing to do with the wedding.


    You've never had a serious conversation with your mother?  Then this is the time.  You are an adult about to get married.  If you can't tell her to back off now, how are you going to handle her doing things like this for the rest of your life?  Life is full of serious conversations and you are going to have to learn how to deal with them.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ohmena said:
    Thanks :)

    There is no way that I could say that to my mother. I have never had a serious conversation with her
    Also why would I have the step brother at the wedding I don't know him. I wouldn't do it because I don't have a relationship with him. 
    Continue to exclude your mother from wedding talk. 

    Have a serious chat with her that you will be making the guest list decisions and all other decisions including who will be in your wedding party. Let her know that she is hurting people's feelings by doing what she's doing because some of these people are either not invited and/or will not be in the wedding party. She needs to understand how bad it's making her look and that just because she tells people these things doesn't mean you and FI are going to cave and do it. Some people seem to think they can get what they want by doing this because you'll feel bad. Don't feel bad.
    I couldn't have a serious conversation with her, she also wouldnt see anything wrong with what she said

    No she isnt . she has nothing to do with the wedding.


    Ok, well if you don't want to talk to your mom then there's nothing you can really do. (I think you should try.) I guess just keep on planning and correcting people when she gives them bad information. Just be extra diligent about keeping people in the loop of what's going on so they're not confused. Nothing else you can do really.
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  • You've never had a serious conversation with your mother?  Then this is the time.  You are an adult about to get married.  If you can't tell her to back off now, how are you going to handle her doing things like this for the rest of your life?  Life is full of serious conversations and you are going to have to learn how to deal with them.
    Nope.
    When I say I have a difficult relationship with my mother I mean really really difficult. When we talk (when we do) it is about the weather or bags. It is never anything proper or serious. We have a very strange relationship, I moved out as soon as was legal and she wasn't exactly cut out to be a mam. 

  • I have no advice, but maybe to make things aite clearer for people, stop calling him your step brother. It makes it seem like your grew up with him. I call my dads wife, my dads wife. She is not my step mother, they married when I was 23. I like her well enough, but I feel calling her mother is strange. I know it is long winded, but he is your mothers husbands son, or maybe your step fathers son. Or your mothers stepson. I would quit referring to him at brother all together.
  • annathy03 said: AddieL73 said: WTF? Where is that button?! ;)
    And I agree, assuming she isn't contributing (and if she is, seriously consider refusing her offer) exclude your mom from wedding talk/involvement, no one gets to decide the WP but you and FI.  I like Harry's wording for your stepbrother and his daughter. A contributing parent gets a say in the venue, the menu, the type of music that will get played, things like that.  NOT the wedding party, not even one little bit.  And considering she said she isn't sure she is even
    inviting her mother, I think it's safe to say she isn't contributing a red cent.
    image

    Previously Alaynajuliana


  • You NEED to put on your big girl panties and speak with your mom. This is insane.

    Also, you should call up SB and apologize, explain that your mother was out of line and you haven't decided on who will be in your WP yet. Infact, you don't even know how big of a wedding you will have and your unsure of how many family members you'll even be able to invite. Apologize again and leave it at that.
  • ohmena said:
    You've never had a serious conversation with your mother?  Then this is the time.  You are an adult about to get married.  If you can't tell her to back off now, how are you going to handle her doing things like this for the rest of your life?  Life is full of serious conversations and you are going to have to learn how to deal with them.
    Nope.
    When I say I have a difficult relationship with my mother I mean really really difficult. When we talk (when we do) it is about the weather or bags. It is never anything proper or serious. We have a very strange relationship, I moved out as soon as was legal and she wasn't exactly cut out to be a mam. 

    That doesn't mean you don't have to set appropriate boundaries with her, because if you keep acting like a doormat she'll keep treating you like one.

    "Mom, it is not okay for you to X.  If you continue to do it, Y negative consequences will result.  Please consider what that will do to the rest of our relationship before ever doing X again."
  • Jen4948 said:
    ohmena said:
    You've never had a serious conversation with your mother?  Then this is the time.  You are an adult about to get married.  If you can't tell her to back off now, how are you going to handle her doing things like this for the rest of your life?  Life is full of serious conversations and you are going to have to learn how to deal with them.
    Nope.
    When I say I have a difficult relationship with my mother I mean really really difficult. When we talk (when we do) it is about the weather or bags. It is never anything proper or serious. We have a very strange relationship, I moved out as soon as was legal and she wasn't exactly cut out to be a mam. 

    That doesn't mean you don't have to set appropriate boundaries with her, because if you keep acting like a doormat she'll keep treating you like one.

    "Mom, it is not okay for you to X.  If you continue to do it, Y negative consequences will result.  Please consider what that will do to the rest of our relationship before ever doing X again."
    My boundary with her is "don't contact me if I want to contact/see you I will call" I'm not acting like a doormat just really really have a complex relationship with her. 

    I phoned SB (Christ that was awkward) and said sorry but my mother had given him wrong info and we haven't decided on WP (which isn't true but heyho) or even the guest list. His response was to apologise (which he didn't need to do) then say that I must have said something to her to make her think that. I just left that. It isn't true but I wasn't going to get into an argument. 
  • ohmena said:
    You've never had a serious conversation with your mother?  Then this is the time.  You are an adult about to get married.  If you can't tell her to back off now, how are you going to handle her doing things like this for the rest of your life?  Life is full of serious conversations and you are going to have to learn how to deal with them.
    Nope.
    When I say I have a difficult relationship with my mother I mean really really difficult. When we talk (when we do) it is about the weather or bags. It is never anything proper or serious. We have a very strange relationship, I moved out as soon as was legal and she wasn't exactly cut out to be a mam. 


    If you're not willing to put your foot down with your mom, then quit complaining. She's behaving this way because you allow it. If you're not going to do anything to stop it, then the blame falls squarely on your shoulders and nobody else's.
  • Good for you for talking to your step brother. It sounds like he responded appropriately. 

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