Snarky Brides

He told me he'd rather have someone else

I found out through a mutual friend of ours that my fiance has had feelings for another girl.  I'll call the girl 'Emily.'

And my fiance's always been the flirtatious type, I figured it couldn't hurt since he didn't take it too far.

It's more than just a schoolboy crush though.  

My fiance told our friend, "I wish I had never met Jenny so I can be with Emily."

Our wedding is in two months.  The dress is bought, arrangements have been made, I am stunned.  I don't know what to do.

Re: He told me he'd rather have someone else

  • You need to talk to him about it.
    How reliable is your source also?
    If they are reliable then you need to just sit down and ask finace if he is having any doubts and what is going on. Two months away or not you need to make sure your relationship is solid before you get married
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  • I've known the mutual friend for years and she's never given me any doubts as to whether or not she can be trusted.  No ulterior motives I can think of.

    But it's making me quite ill :(  I couldn't sleep last night really.  And I haven't broached the subject with my fiance yet...it's really frightening because I can't think of a way to get around those words ("I wish I'd never met her.")
  • You have a right to be upset and feel this way. Sorry this is so unpleasant.

    The dress and arrangements are not important, your life is.

    Write down what you want to say and then go talk to him.

    You should feel he is 100% sure about his fidelity and love towards you.

    Sorry about this.
  • You need to confront him immediately. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • it's not about whether Emily can be trusted - it's about your FI not being 100% committed to you. 

    Talk to him right away. 

    Even if he says he's on-board, I would consider postponing the wedding and getting pre-marital counseling - this is a huge decision for both of you...

     

     

  • Ditto PPs. As hard as this is to hear, you need to consider calling off your wedding. At the very least, you need to talk to your FI, find out IF he said that and what he meant by it. And you need to do that right now.

    Also...a man who is truly in love with you won't flirt with another girl. Ever. You say you figured it couldn't hurt since he didn't take it too far. You figured wrong. A guy who flirts with other girls will eventually want to move beyond just flirting.
    jennyd76 said:
    I found out through a mutual friend of ours that my fiance has had feelings for another girl.  I'll call the girl 'Emily.'

    And my fiance's always been the flirtatious type, I figured it couldn't hurt since he didn't take it too far.

    It's more than just a schoolboy crush though.  

    My fiance told our friend, "I wish I had never met Jenny so I can be with Emily."

    Our wedding is in two months.  The dress is bought, arrangements have been made, I am stunned.  I don't know what to do.

    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Totally agree with PPs. Confront your FI IMMEDIATELY.

    IMO, I wouldn't walk down the aisle with someone who had said that... It would be something that would hang on my mind the whole time we were married.
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
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  • hearing that must have left such a pit in your stomache : ( I know that pain well with previous relationships. Even if you do walk down the aisle with this man I find it extremly hard to beleive you wouldnt always have that worry in the back of your mind. And not to be a bitch or anything you have to think of it for him as well. should he be forced to marry some one he may not be 100% in love with? I would talk to him it could just be a case of cold feet or as serious as him wanting to be with her. but your best option is going to be talking to him.
  • Talk to him NOW.  You need to find out if 1.) this is true, and 2.) how to proceed from there.

    If I believed every bit of "gossip" I heard, I wouldn't have a relationship with anybody.  Over the years, I've had a lot of friends/acquaintances tell me things that someone else has said behind my back.  Some of those were true, but a lot of them weren't.  If I reacted to those that I later discovered were false, I could have wrecked some relationships by overreacting to what I thought was fact.  

    I'm so sorry you're going through this.  You need to confront your FI asap, and ask him about this.  Hopefully he'll be upfront and honest with you.  If your FI said that to his friend, then you deserve better.  If he never said anything like that, then at the very least you'll need to figure out why this friend said it to you.  I hope it goes well, best of luck!
  • AddieL73 said:

    Also...a man who is truly in love with you won't flirt with another girl. Ever. 
    I disagree with this. My husband and I flirt with other people. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. 



    Same here. My husband flirts with women he'd never even be interested in romantically in any way. There's a big difference between flirting and pursuing.
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  • I agree, you need to talk to FI about this ASAP.  

    Like other posters have said, don't worry about the wedding, worry about your marriage.  You need to go into marriage without any doubts.  Your life and happiness is far more important than one day.

    I also second the suggestion of writing your thoughts out.  I find that when I have to talk to someone about something uncomfortable, it really helps me to write down what I want to say beforehand.  It can prevent the conversation from getting derailed if you know exactly what you want to say/ask.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • AddieL73 said:

    Also...a man who is truly in love with you won't flirt with another girl. Ever. 
    I disagree with this. My husband and I flirt with other people. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. 



    I think this is probably one of those things where people have different interpretations of flirting.  

    To some, flirting is just cute, funny conversation with the opposite sex.
    To others, flirting is more direct advances of a more sexual nature.

    As long as you (general you) are on the same page with your spouse as what constitutes okay/not okay flirting, then it's fine.

    But yeah, OP, that's really worrisome.  If he had some small feelings for some girl at some point, well okay, that's not a dealbreaker.  But to say that he wished he hadn't met you so he could be with someone else?  Make sure he really said that, and if so, at least postpone the wedding until you both can sort these feelings out.

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  • While the wedding is a big deal, your priority should be the marriage.

    This is a major red flag. Speak to him immediately.

    This exactly. Yes you are only 2 months out and canceling the wedding would be awful, heartbreaking,  and I'm sure expensive...but all that pales in comparison to the loss you will be facing down the road if you end up divorced. Regardless of whether or not he ever would act out his impulses, I wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't fully commited to me and only me. You deserve more than that!

    I hope everything works out and it end up being just a bunch of lies spread around. You need to confront him right away though and get to the bottom of this.

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  • OP, I hope you've already talked to him. If it's true or if you have any doubts, postpone or cancel the wedding. Like, yesterday. Do not even think about any money you've spent or what you've purchased - happiness and peace of mind for the rest of your life is worth more than anything you've spent so far, I don't care how much you've spent.
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  • jennyd76 said:
    I found out through a mutual friend of ours that my fiance has had feelings for another girl.  I'll call the girl 'Emily.'

    And my fiance's always been the flirtatious type, I figured it couldn't hurt since he didn't take it too far.

    It's more than just a schoolboy crush though.  

    My fiance told our friend, "I wish I had never met Jenny so I can be with Emily."

    Our wedding is in two months.  The dress is bought, arrangements have been made, I am stunned.  I don't know what to do.
    I hope you have talked to your fiancé about this. But also I hope you give him the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes things are taken out of context. Right now it's just here say. I highly doubt your fiancé would tell your really good friend that he'd rather be with someone else.

    If he did, he planned for it to get back to you and he wants you to bring it up. 

    Either way there are some issues you two need to address. One of them might be this 'reliable source'. You never know.

    Either way, I hope you guys get it worked out.
  • rel1988 said:
    While the wedding is a big deal, your priority should be the marriage.

    This is a major red flag. Speak to him immediately.

    This exactly. Yes you are only 2 months out and canceling the wedding would be awful, heartbreaking,  and I'm sure expensive...but all that pales in comparison to the loss you will be facing down the road if you end up divorced. Regardless of whether or not he ever would act out his impulses, I wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't fully commited to me and only me. You deserve more than that!

    I hope everything works out and it end up being just a bunch of lies spread around. You need to confront him right away though and get to the bottom of this.

    This. If you don't talk about this, what can you talk about? Plus, marriages that start in doubt will likely end in ugly divorce that costs a lot more than any deposit you've put down on a venue or catering. Talk to him. And if you sense even a smidgen of him not taking your concern totally seriously, blaming your friend for running her mouth (instead of blaming himself for running his), or lying, you walk. You walk away and do not let him weasel his way back into your plans, you're worth more than him if the situation is how it looks from this side of it. Hugs dear, I hope everything works out for you.
  • i'm sorry. this sucks. you've got to get it all out now. i had the experience of finding out about infidelity a few months before our wedding (with ex). it was a truly horrible time, no doubt about it, but i am truly grateful that i found out before we were married. i called it off and that was one of the best decisions i ever made. of course i can say that in hindsight, but i promise its for the best. 
  • Yes confront him, mainly for your sake. Forget the wedding, ppl will talk more if you get married and in less than a year, your divorce. Besides who said Emily wants HIM, lol.
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