Thank you.

FierceSymone

Thanks everyone.

FierceSymone

coopergirl15 said:

Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding! You do not need a ring to be engaged, and I've known a few couples that never get an "engagement" ring, or simply get an "upgraded" ring later in life. I see your FI's concern but think the idea of wedding bands is great. Also check out websites like Etsy and Lang Antiques for great inexpensive vintage rings. They have beautiful stuff. Also maybe consider stones other than diamonds (sapphire/ruby, emerald, tanzanite, morganite, topaz, mossianite or aquamarine, to name just a few). Thrift stores and consignent boutiques can have some beautiful dresses for cheap. No need to buy a brand new one. We have some brides on here that purchased bridal gowns at Goodwill and they are gorgeous. The third thing I would like to suggest is having an anniversary party at a later time when you can afford to host a large celebration. But the JOP ceremony you are having this week is your wedding day. Please don't spend a ton of money reenacting a ceremony that has all ready taken place. Don't have attendants, a first dance or wedding gifts at your anniversary party. Just host food and dancing and have a great time celebrating your prior union in grand style. Welcome to The Knot. We are happy to help you in any way we can.

Thank you so very much!

I will definitely look into those websites as far as rings. That is a great option. I do have a question. After we are married this week, is it silly to receive an engagement ring after that point? I am not sure if that is the "right" way for it to be done, as I would no longer be engaged. If this is the case, this really does suck. I would really like to have a nice ring symbolizing our marriage outwardly.

I definitely would not object to checking out places like the Goodwill or consignment shops, but we honestly don't even have enough to afford a dress there. My fiance and I were both unemlpoyed for months at a time, earlier this year. I am currently working again, but my fiance has been unable to secure employment. Literally all of our funds are going towards past due expenses. We have literally no money to spend on a dress.

I know that having a ring on your finger and/or a wedding dress does not make your marraige. But I cannot lie and say that I am as happy as I could be about everything. I always imagined that we would have a formal engagment with a nice, simple ring and that we'd take the time to properly plan a wedding, even if it was a small ceremony with a handful of guests. But none of that is happening. Also, due to the fact that it happened so quickly and will be taking place on a weekday, my parents may not even be able to attend. His mother, who I am very close to even more so than my own mother, won't be able to attend either due to previous commitments she has planned that day.

Our wedding this week will take place in the church, so I guess it would be even more inappriopate to have a second ceremony in the church, as we are marrying in front of God this week. Maybe it would be more appriopate for someone who is originally marrying at the court building to have a second ceremony. As far as renewing our vows with a ceremony or hosting an anniversary party in celebration of our marriage, typically how many years after being married is it appriopate to throw one?

Thanks in advance!

Teddy917

@Fiercesymone I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I had been planning on a wedding and were going to have a nice dress and all. Then when we were finalizing things with our officiant, my now-husband asks if he could marry us then and there. So we did. And I don't regret a thing.

annmarie714

Talk to him.  Tell him everything you told us, in the calm manner you've presented here.  Communicate.  He should be able to see your side of things too.  And the special date will come around again next year.

ShesSoCold

StageManager14 said:

Honestly, I would hold off. Getting married on a date that is sentimental isnot worth compromising SO much. It sounds like your FI wants more than is possible right now. You don't have to way for years or anything, but wait until you can afford a ring that you love (it sounds like you have reasonable expectations here) and to buy a nice dress that you feel comfortable wearing to get married. The date you end up getting married on will be special BECAUSE you got married that day. Of course you don't NEED a ring or a pretty dress or whatever to be married, but it sounds like you are bending to your FI's will on EVERYTHING. If he is unwilling to exchange or get a ring at a later date and insists the ring you are married with be the ring you wear forever, then he needs to bend on the date so you can have a ring you're happy with. However, I do agree with him on not going in debt for a ring, which is what the financing at places like Kay is. They add finance charges and interest usually, at least if it isn't paid off by X time. But you should absolutely feel free to stand up and tell him what YOU want too for this wedding.

This, exactly. Have you told him how you feel?

I totally understand wanting to be married, but you're not going to get a lot of things that are important to you for your FI to have this date.

Why not get married on the same date next year or two or when that date is on a weekend?

AddieCake

Yeah, I would wait. This all seems a little rushed, and I think you will be disappointed in the long run and wishing you had done it differently. 

LiLe422

Why the rush, OP?  You have been together for 7 years so why all of a sudden does he want to get married NEXT week?  That just seems incredibly fast.

BMoreBride6

Is this date more sentimental to him than having your families present would be?  Do you think your family members, especially parents, will be hurt not to be there?  It definitely sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into being okay with this, and that's not something you want to do.  Just hold off, take the time you need to get what you need, and go from there : ) 

RamonaFlowers

You're BOTH getting married here, but it seems like HE'S making all of the decisions without even asking you how you feel about it. That's no way to get married, and it's definitely no way to stay [happily] married.

Honestly, a date having sentimental value to HIM would not be a good enough reason for me to rush into a wedding that I wasn't happy about. YOUR feelings matter, too, so if YOU want to wait until you can at least afford a ring and a dress, and your parents can definitely attend, then tell your FI you're not down for getting married this week, but you are more than willing to sit down and work out a date/timeline that make BOTH of you happy.

...and if he still insists on doing it this week, knowing you're not happy about it, I would seriously think twice about whether or not you should be marrying him at all.

FierceSymone

StageManager14 said:

Honestly, I would hold off. Getting married on a date that is sentimental isnot worth compromising SO much. It sounds like your FI wants more than is possible right now. You don't have to way for years or anything, but wait until you can afford a ring that you love (it sounds like you have reasonable expectations here) and to buy a nice dress that you feel comfortable wearing to get married. The date you end up getting married on will be special BECAUSE you got married that day. Of course you don't NEED a ring or a pretty dress or whatever to be married, but it sounds like you are bending to your FI's will on EVERYTHING. If he is unwilling to exchange or get a ring at a later date and insists the ring you are married with be the ring you wear forever, then he needs to bend on the date so you can have a ring you're happy with. However, I do agree with him on not going in debt for a ring, which is what the financing at places like Kay is. They add finance charges and interest usually, at least if it isn't paid off by X time. But you should absolutely feel free to stand up and tell him what YOU want too for this wedding.

I truly do have reasonable expectations for a ring. I don't have to have a bunch of 'bling' or anything uber expensive. I just want a nice, simple ring to symbolize our engagement. Then, whenever we marry, I want to have a wedding band. I truly don't think that's asking for too much. I'm a simple woman and definitely willing to meet halfway.

I spoke with my FI today about the rings. I asked him if he happened to be able to secure rings for our wedding. He told me to no longer worry about the rings. He says he feels that it is the groom's responsibility to present his bride with a ring and I no longer need to think about it. So, at this point, I have no idea of it we will have rings and if so, what my ring will look like, if it will be an engagement ring and wedding band, etc.

As far as Kay and Jared, it's not their in-store card. They do have an in-store credit card that has finance charges, etc. But, when I spoke with a specialist from both companies, they informed me that, aside from the charge card, they do have an in-store layaway program. All you have to do is put 20% down on any ring of your choice and make monthly payments. Then after your ring is completely paid off, you're free to take it with you. This is what I suggested to him, but he was not interested

BMoreBride6

FierceSymone said:

StageManager14 said:

Honestly, I would hold off. Getting married on a date that is sentimental isnot worth compromising SO much. It sounds like your FI wants more than is possible right now. You don't have to way for years or anything, but wait until you can afford a ring that you love (it sounds like you have reasonable expectations here) and to buy a nice dress that you feel comfortable wearing to get married. The date you end up getting married on will be special BECAUSE you got married that day. Of course you don't NEED a ring or a pretty dress or whatever to be married, but it sounds like you are bending to your FI's will on EVERYTHING. If he is unwilling to exchange or get a ring at a later date and insists the ring you are married with be the ring you wear forever, then he needs to bend on the date so you can have a ring you're happy with. However, I do agree with him on not going in debt for a ring, which is what the financing at places like Kay is. They add finance charges and interest usually, at least if it isn't paid off by X time. But you should absolutely feel free to stand up and tell him what YOU want too for this wedding.

I truly do have reasonable expectations for a ring. I don't have to have a bunch of 'bling' or anything uber expensive. I just want a nice, simple ring to symbolize our engagement. Then, whenever we marry, I want to have a wedding band. I truly don't think that's asking for too much. I'm a simple woman and definitely willing to meet halfway.

I spoke with my FI today about the rings. I asked him if he happened to be able to secure rings for our wedding. He told me to no longer worry about the rings. He says he feels that it is the groom's responsibility to present his bride with a ring and I no longer need to think about it. So, at this point, I have no idea of it we will have rings and if so, what my ring will look like, if it will be an engagement ring and wedding band, etc.

As far as Kay and Jared, it's not their in-store card. They do have an in-store credit card that has finance charges, etc. But, when I spoke with a specialist from both companies, they informed me that, aside from the charge card, they do have an in-store layaway program. All you have to do is put 20% down on any ring of your choice and make monthly payments. Then after your ring is completely paid off, you're free to take it with you. This is what I suggested to him, but he was not interested

Then you should kindly explain to him that you are not interested in rushing a wedding, without rings, or your families present.  

FierceSymone

I definitely don't want to have any regrets. That is definitely something to consider.

FierceSymone

I know, tell me about it. Well, he/we have been going through a lot of changes in our personal life and have been having quite a few life changing experiences. From a religious perspective, we are getting closer with God individually and trying to impove on a lot of things personally, as well as within our family as a unit. With everything that is going on, he truly feels that we should make it official and complete our family by becoming husband and wife. It's something we've been talking about for years now, but we just haven't been in the right position in our relationship to actually marry. But now, I assume he feels it's a great time to make it happen. I believe that is why he is wanting to do this on this special day.

LiLe422 said:

Why the rush, OP?  You have been together for 7 years so why all of a sudden does he want to get married NEXT week?  That just seems incredibly fast.

FierceSymone

BMoreBride6 said:

Is this date more sentimental to him than having your families present would be?  Do you think your family members, especially parents, will be hurt not to be there?  It definitely sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into being okay with this, and that's not something you want to do.  Just hold off, take the time you need to get what you need, and go from there : ) 

My father may be able to attend, but my mother definitely won't be there due to prior commitments. As far as my FI's mom, she has accepted that she is unable to attend, but she is sad to miss the day and would really want to be there to celebrate with us if she could. I love his mom and really want her there as well

NYCBruin

I'm curious, what does your priest say about this?  Does your church even allow weddings on such a rushed timeline?  Many won't.

It sounds like you don't really want to get married on such a short schedule and have a lot of valid reasons for wanting to wait a little bit.  I think you should talk to FI about this.  If he doesn't respect your feelings about waiting, well, that's probably a sign of a bigger problem.

itzMS

@FierceSymone, your FI's sudden rush brings up a whole bunch of red flags for me.

Have you both gone to speak with your Pastor/Minister? It seems like you have a lot of reservation, so I would hope your Pastor could pick up on that and encourage you and your FI to wait. Marriage is kinda meant to be forever...

 

FierceSymone

So, guys, here is what's going on at this point per what my FI has shared with me:

The pastor of the church has arranged for a photographer to be present, so he will be taking care of the costs, etc.

My father has offered to purchase me a dress for the occasion. It will NOT be a wedding dress, but an inexpensive sundress.

My father and sister will be in attendance, as far as my side of the family goes.

My FI has picked out the two vows that he would like to be read at the ceremony.

As far as after the ceremony, my FI says he wants to do something with me to celebrate, but again, we don't have any $. I would at least like to go out for lunch or something, but I am not exactly sure of how that will even happen.

Lastly, I am not certain of this, but I am assuming that my FI may have been given his grandmother's and late grandfather's wedding rings for our ceremony. I just base this on something that I heard from a member of his family. However, I have never seen the rings, so I have NO idea of what they look like at all.

 

Side note: It really does seem that this ceremony is revolving around my FI and what he seems to be going through at this time. I haven't decided on or pick out anything. Last week, he mentioned that we could have another ceremony sometime in the future when we have more money and that can "be for me". I'm assuming he means as far as me picking out everything and going through the details. But I can't have ANOTHER wedding ceremony. It would have to be an anniversary party or something, because a vow renewal is not something I would be interested in doing until AT LEAST 5 years of marriage.

NYCBruin

FierceSymone said:

So, guys, here is what's going on at this point per what my FI has shared with me:

The pastor of the church has arranged for a photographer to be present, so he will be taking care of the costs, etc.

My father has offered to purchase me a dress for the occasion. It will NOT be a wedding dress, but an inexpensive sundress.

My father and sister will be in attendance, as far as my side of the family goes.

My FI has picked out the two vows that he would like to be read at the ceremony.

As far as after the ceremony, my FI says he wants to do something with me to celebrate, but again, we don't have any $. I would at least like to go out for lunch or something, but I am not exactly sure of how that will even happen.

Lastly, I am not certain of this, but I am assuming that my FI may have been given his grandmother's and late grandfather's wedding rings for our ceremony. I just base this on something that I heard from a member of his family. However, I have never seen the rings, so I have NO idea of what they look like at all.

 

Side note: It really does seem that this ceremony is revolving around my FI and what he seems to be going through at this time. I haven't decided on or pick out anything. Last week, he mentioned that we could have another ceremony sometime in the future when we have more money and that can "be for me". I'm assuming he means as far as me picking out everything and going through the details. But I can't have ANOTHER wedding ceremony. It would have to be an anniversary party or something, because a vow renewal is not something I would be interested in doing until AT LEAST 5 years of marriage.

This concerns me.  It's not just his wedding.  A vow renewal wouldn't be just yours.  You are both getting married and you should both have a say in all of this.  

There are a lot of red flags here.  

itzMS

I agree 100% with @NYCBruin

A guy acting this quickly seems really guilty to me. Why can't you get married next year on his "special date"? In the meantime, get to the bottom of his rush. Any time my ex got super sentimental, attentive, or bought me something nice for "no reason" it was because he felt guilty for his cheating ways (which I found out later)...

Just saying. Be careful.

BMoreBride6

And this may sound silly but keep in mind that your parents have a whole other connection to this.  They aren't just missing the wedding of their children, they are missing the unification of their grandkids' families...

doeydo

Sorry, but he sounds kind of selfish.  If the date is special, then why can't you get married, say next year on the same date?  A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your union together and love for each other, so you both should be happy with the way it is planned and turns out.  I can just imagine you, years from now, unhappy and regretting the fact that you never had a "true" wedding, the fact that you hated your dress, etc.

doeydo

Yes, I think he might be trying to "trap" her into a marriage before she finds out something about him.

BMoreBride6

@FierceSymone you might want to check out this thread...its from a bride who rushed into a wedding (albeit for VERY good reasons), but now years later regrets it to the point that she hates looking at pictures from their wedding day as she didn't feel like a bride on her day

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/986461/what-is-acceptable-to-plan-3-years-after-a-rushed-courthouse-wedding#latest

NYCBruin

doeydo said:

Yes, I think he might be trying to "trap" her into a marriage before she finds out something about him.

I thought the same thing.

[Deleted User]

NYCBruin said:

doeydo said:

Yes, I think he might be trying to "trap" her into a marriage before she finds out something about him.

I thought the same thing.

I hate to be so pessimistic, but .. yep. Count me in on this train of thought.  Choo choo.

fuerst37

It sounds like you have a lot of reservations. Even though it's hard, I really think you need to put the brakes on this. It doesn't sound like your fiance is listening to what you need, and while the date might be significant to him now, your wedding date, whatever it ends up being, will be significant to him in the future. Whether he's suspect or not (and I admit I'm a little suspicious, too), you will be an equal partner to him in marriage, and he needs to hear you out.

fuerst37

(Duplicate post-deleted)

manateehugger

Add me to the list of concerned individuals about his motivations here. I kept skimming through this thread, and I got more and more uneasy the more I read. Do not get married before you're ready.

My fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years, and there is still no way I would marry him without doing at least a few pre-marital counseling sessions. If nothing else, PLEASE insist on seeing a counselor before you get married. It doesn't matter how long you've been together or how many ups and downs you've had.

NYCBruin

StageManager14 said:

Eh, I think it's just as likely that he's found God and is now struggling with guilt over not being married.  Which is still a BAD reason to rush into a marriage, but it's pretty common among the newly religious.

But after 7 years, I doubt it's a whole trap her before she discovers my deep dark secret kind of thing.

I wasn't thinking some deep dark long kept secret, but maybe something happened and he wants to be married ASAP before he tells her. Could be something like he lost his job and wants to get on her insurance.

I agree it could also be just finding religion, but like you said that isn't a great reason to rush into marriage either.

Whatever the case, I think OP should try to figure out why the sudden desire to get married NOW. Something about this story just doesn't add up IMO.

FierceSymone

StageManager14 said:

Eh, I think it's just as likely that he's found God and is now struggling with guilt over not being married.  Which is still a BAD reason to rush into a marriage, but it's pretty common among the newly religious.

But after 7 years, I doubt it's a whole trap her before she discovers my deep dark secret kind of thing.

FierceSymone

Is it possible for me to delete this post?