Belated Thank you notes and divorcing

jessagate

My husband and I are divorcing after only 6 months of marriage. We got married in September 2012, and I never got the wedding thank you's out before we separated. I need to get them out asap, but I'm confused on the etiquette. Do I still sign both of our names to the notes? Should I apologize for the tardiness of the notes? Help!

melb2013

I'm very sorry- I'm sure this was a difficult time and understand why thank you notes didn't get out promptly.

I think he should write thank you notes for his people signed by him and you should write thank you notes for your people signed by you.  If he's unwilling, you should write a thank you note and I would simply sign them all just you.  Don't try to explain anything- it's no one's business.  

cmclaire

Lobster1987 said:

I'd sign for both of you and get them out ASAP. Don't explain, like @Melb2013 said- it's no one's business.

I agree with this. 

[Deleted User]

I agree, sign both of your names as they were gifts to both of you. What happens now with the gifts, is between you and him..

CharlieKay10

I agree with PP. I also have to say I commend you for sending out thank you notes even under your circumstances. My cousin was in an similar situation, except her marriage ended "officially" 2 months after the wedding (they separated right after the honeymoon - she was having an affair for months leading up to the wedding and basically everyone found out about it the day of the wedding - LONG story). She did not send thank you notes or return the gifts. It was kind of a let-down as we traveled across the country to attend - I never got a "thank you" phone call or even a Facebook message. 

For your thank you's, even though somewhat tardy (although not really... isn't the general rule of thumb one year?), everyone will appreciate the thank you. Sign both of your names and proceed with dividing the gifts privately.

Jen4948

I agree with PPs: sign both your names but give no details about your divorce.

STARMOON44

I've always been taught that you never sign both names to a card since you didn't both write it. Instead, in the body of the card you mention your husband also sending his thanks. In your case, since you don't speak for him, I'd leave him out entirely.

LavenderHoneyBee

KindaSparkly said:

Are you returning the gifts or keeping them?

Considering they did get married, yes I'm assuming they are keeping them. And that's okay - no reason to make the OP feel worse.


OP - Just get them out ASAP. So sorry for what you must be going through.

manateehugger

I'm sorry for this yucky situation.

Personally, I'd return any unused gifts and I would return the money to those who gave cash. For all others, just write the thank you's from yourself.

radleyboo

I would feel weird if someone returned a wedding gift to me, even in this situation.  Just my two cents.

CALEO

CharlieKay10 said:

I agree with PP. I also have to say I commend you for sending out thank you notes even under your circumstances. My cousin was in an similar situation, except her marriage ended "officially" 2 months after the wedding (they separated right after the honeymoon - she was having an affair for months leading up to the wedding and basically everyone found out about it the day of the wedding - LONG story). She did not send thank you notes or return the gifts. It was kind of a let-down as we traveled across the country to attend - I never got a "thank you" phone call or even a Facebook message. 

For your thank you's, even though somewhat tardy (although not really... isn't the general rule of thumb one year?), everyone will appreciate the thank you. Sign both of your names and proceed with dividing the gifts privately.

I need to hear this story....

MuppetOverlord

Write the notes, send them out, dont mention him or the divorce.

I seperated from my husband in my house around 4 months after marriage and left the house after 6. I didn't talk to people about it. It took several more months to get the divorce and have paperwork finalizing it. It gave me time for people to judge me less I felt.

phira

Since the marriage took place, I don't think you'd be rude for not returning gifts. And it sounds like you're feeling really crappy about the whole situation, and you don't want to invite a lot of questions. I'd send out thank-you notes, and either sign them all from both of you, or have him write ones for his people and you write the ones for your people. Whichever is more manageable.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I also wanted to second what Stage said: it's considered acceptable to give a wedding gift up to a year after the wedding, but thank-you notes should be sent as soon as possible. I expect one within a few months. Not everyone will notice or care if you're late on thank-you notes, but some people will ... I am still upset that we never received a thank-you from my brother- and sister-in-law and it's been 8 months.

LavenderHoneyBee

StageManager14 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

KindaSparkly said:

Are you returning the gifts or keeping them?

Considering they did get married, yes I'm assuming they are keeping them. And that's okay - no reason to make the OP feel worse.


OP - Just get them out ASAP. So sorry for what you must be going through.

What the fuck?  She asked a question, the answer to which does actually have some bearing on how to write/sign the note.  I don't see how asking a question should make the OP feel worse.  

Personally, I would be inclined to at least offer to return the gifts in these circumstances, though I don't think it's necessary at all.  But that means that the 'sign it from both of you guys and don't mention the divorce" advice wouldn't work for me.

Well, it seems a little obvious that if she is asking about writing/signing thank you notes that duh, she is keeping the gifts. But sorry - don't want to confuse everyone by using common sense logic here.

RebeccaB88

I'm on board with getting the notes out ASAP, and signing for yourself and mentioning the groom.

I would not expect a gift back after 6 months of marriage.  The marriage took place, so the gifts stay with the couple to be divided up as they see fit.

LavenderHoneyBee

StageManager14 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

StageManager14 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

KindaSparkly said:

Are you returning the gifts or keeping them?

Considering they did get married, yes I'm assuming they are keeping them. And that's okay - no reason to make the OP feel worse.


OP - Just get them out ASAP. So sorry for what you must be going through.

What the fuck?  She asked a question, the answer to which does actually have some bearing on how to write/sign the note.  I don't see how asking a question should make the OP feel worse.  

Personally, I would be inclined to at least offer to return the gifts in these circumstances, though I don't think it's necessary at all.  But that means that the 'sign it from both of you guys and don't mention the divorce" advice wouldn't work for me.

Well, it seems a little obvious that if she is asking about writing/signing thank you notes that duh, she is keeping the gifts. But sorry - don't want to confuse everyone by using common sense logic here.

What is the logical trail that leads from TY notes to duh keeping the gifts?  I'm not seeing it.  Theoretically, she should have ALREADY written the thank you notes, and she knows it.  She is trying to right a previous transgression, which has nothing to do with her current situation.  Please walk me through the obvious logic, Ms. Silverstone.  

I'm sorry - I would never assume someone was going to write a thank you note for gifts they weren't planning on keeping. If she HAD already written the notes, clearly that'd be different. So, since she hasn't and everyone is just answering her question on how to sign said thank you notes, it seems ridiculous to ask if she is planning on keeping them.

You seem like a pretty well educated woman, so it baffles my mind that you'd be confused on how that all seems pretty obvious. But, by all means, continue to post rude responses if it makes your day a little brighter.

CharlieKay10

@StageManager14, thank you for filling me in. I agree with sending them out ASAP. For some reason, I had a "one year" rule in my head. Not sure where that came from!

Also, 

CALEO said:

CharlieKay10 said:

I agree with PP. I also have to say I commend you for sending out thank you notes even under your circumstances. My cousin was in an similar situation, except her marriage ended "officially" 2 months after the wedding (they separated right after the honeymoon - she was having an affair for months leading up to the wedding and basically everyone found out about it the day of the wedding - LONG story). She did not send thank you notes or return the gifts. It was kind of a let-down as we traveled across the country to attend - I never got a "thank you" phone call or even a Facebook message. 

I need to hear this story....

Ah, it's pretty bad. Sorry to threadjack OP... Also, the story is kind of long. And I guess it wasn't the day of the wedding - it was the Thursday and Friday before that shit really hit the fan.

 So, my younger cousin was getting married last year to this pretty awesome dude. He had met my family on multiple occasions and we all fell in love with him. He was perfect for her. He was a few years older than she was (26) - she was 22, just getting out of college, but she wanted to get married right away after graduation. So for 10 months she planned the wedding and was really excited about it (or so we all thought).

We flew down on Thursday for her Saturday evening wedding. As soon as I walk in the door, my aunt pulls me aside and is freaking out. "Jessica does not want to get married. She thinks Scott is wrong for her." "Scott gained weight. She's worried about their children being fat" "She needs come consoling, will you talk her into this? She needs to do this." So I go in, talk to Jess and her bridesmaids and they're all giving me the run-around "She's just scared" "We're going to pray about it" blah blah blah -- basically wanting to shoo me out of the room. So I left and thought she was just having cold feet.

That night after dinner, I run into Jess' MOH in the hotel lobby and she drunkenly confesses to me that Jess has been sleeping with a guy she met at her internship and she thinks she loves him more than she loves Scott. Because this internship dude smokes pot and has tattoos and listens to "her" kind of music (all of the great qualities you want in a guy, right?)... I knew immediately that she (obviously) should not be getting married.

The next day, Friday, I didn't see much of Jess as she was quarantiend by her BMs. They would barely let Jess' mom in to see her. I think they were all simultaneously talking her into and out of getting married. Some thought Scott was the perfect guy. Others knew she wasn't happy. And my aunt, Jess' mom, basically wanted her to talk down the damn aisle because 1.) the wedding was NOT cheap and 2.) Scott seriously was one of the most genuine people you could ever meet. It was a clusterfuck. The BMs wouldn't let me talk to her for more than 2 seconds because they thought I would influence her one way or another. Basically everyone went to bed not knowing what was going to happen.

Saturday morning, I meet the girls at the salon. Scott's three sisters were all in the wedding party (as attendants) so they were at the salon. Jess was surrounded by her BMs and they were all whispering. Jess started crying and walked outside. I went over to Scott's family and asked if Jess was okay. They told me that Jess was going to call her pastor and talk about it. They just thought she was nervous. (No one told them she was sleeping with some dude, obv.). As the day wears on, I learn more about the situation and that basically she knows Scott is good for her but she's just not in love and that she didn't want to get married but felt like she should/she had to. Poor Scott. She has all of her BMs and her mom now saying "yes, you should marry Scott" while her MOH is saying "No, you shouldn't." Around 2pm, Jess had a sudden epiphany and decided to get married. She texted internship dude a quick break-up text and Jess & Scott walked down the aisle four hours later. 

We go home, thinking she made the right decision, (while simultaneously feeling horrible for Scott and wondering if he'd find out) We heard from Jess' mom two weeks later that they are separated. A month and a half later, they were officially divorced. She has not called or texted any of our family since. Now she's dating internship dude and basically doing nothing with her life.

CALEO

CharlieKay10 said:

@StageManager14, thank you for filling me in. I agree with sending them out ASAP. For some reason, I had a "one year" rule in my head. Not sure where that came from!

Also, 

CALEO said:

CharlieKay10 said:

I agree with PP. I also have to say I commend you for sending out thank you notes even under your circumstances. My cousin was in an similar situation, except her marriage ended "officially" 2 months after the wedding (they separated right after the honeymoon - she was having an affair for months leading up to the wedding and basically everyone found out about it the day of the wedding - LONG story). She did not send thank you notes or return the gifts. It was kind of a let-down as we traveled across the country to attend - I never got a "thank you" phone call or even a Facebook message. 

I need to hear this story....

Ah, it's pretty bad. Sorry to threadjack OP... Also, the story is kind of long. And I guess it wasn't the day of the wedding - it was the Thursday and Friday before that shit really hit the fan.

 So, my younger cousin was getting married last year to this pretty awesome dude. He had met my family on multiple occasions and we all fell in love with him. He was perfect for her. He was a few years older than she was (26) - she was 22, just getting out of college, but she wanted to get married right away after graduation. So for 10 months she planned the wedding and was really excited about it (or so we all thought).

We flew down on Thursday for her Saturday evening wedding. As soon as I walk in the door, my aunt pulls me aside and is freaking out. "Jessica does not want to get married. She thinks Scott is wrong for her." "Scott gained weight. She's worried about their children being fat" "She needs come consoling, will you talk her into this? She needs to do this." So I go in, talk to Jess and her bridesmaids and they're all giving me the run-around "She's just scared" "We're going to pray about it" blah blah blah -- basically wanting to shoo me out of the room. So I left and thought she was just having cold feet.

That night after dinner, I run into Jess' MOH in the hotel lobby and she drunkenly confesses to me that Jess has been sleeping with a guy she met at her internship and she thinks she loves him more than she loves Scott. Because this internship dude smokes pot and has tattoos and listens to "her" kind of music (all of the great qualities you want in a guy, right?)... I knew immediately that she (obviously) should not be getting married.

The next day, Friday, I didn't see much of Jess as she was quarantiend by her BMs. They would barely let Jess' mom in to see her. I think they were all simultaneously talking her into and out of getting married. Some thought Scott was the perfect guy. Others knew she wasn't happy. And my aunt, Jess' mom, basically wanted her to talk down the damn aisle because 1.) the wedding was NOT cheap and 2.) Scott seriously was one of the most genuine people you could ever meet. It was a clusterfuck. The BMs wouldn't let me talk to her for more than 2 seconds because they thought I would influence her one way or another. Basically everyone went to bed not knowing what was going to happen.

Saturday morning, I meet the girls at the salon. Scott's three sisters were all in the wedding party (as attendants) so they were at the salon. Jess was surrounded by her BMs and they were all whispering. Jess started crying and walked outside. I went over to Scott's family and asked if Jess was okay. They told me that Jess was going to call her pastor and talk about it. They just thought she was nervous. (No one told them she was sleeping with some dude, obv.). As the day wears on, I learn more about the situation and that basically she knows Scott is good for her but she's just not in love and that she didn't want to get married but felt like she should/she had to. Poor Scott. She has all of her BMs and her mom now saying "yes, you should marry Scott" while her MOH is saying "No, you shouldn't." Around 2pm, Jess had a sudden epiphany and decided to get married. She texted internship dude a quick break-up text and Jess & Scott walked down the aisle four hours later. 

We go home, thinking she made the right decision, (while simultaneously feeling horrible for Scott and wondering if he'd find out) We heard from Jess' mom two weeks later that they are separated. A month and a half later, they were officially divorced. She has not called or texted any of our family since. Now she's dating internship dude and basically doing nothing with her life.

Holy crap people make horrible decisions!

LavenderHoneyBee

StageManager14 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

StageManager14 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

StageManager14 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

KindaSparkly said:

Are you returning the gifts or keeping them?

Considering they did get married, yes I'm assuming they are keeping them. And that's okay - no reason to make the OP feel worse.


OP - Just get them out ASAP. So sorry for what you must be going through.

What the fuck?  She asked a question, the answer to which does actually have some bearing on how to write/sign the note.  I don't see how asking a question should make the OP feel worse.  

Personally, I would be inclined to at least offer to return the gifts in these circumstances, though I don't think it's necessary at all.  But that means that the 'sign it from both of you guys and don't mention the divorce" advice wouldn't work for me.

Well, it seems a little obvious that if she is asking about writing/signing thank you notes that duh, she is keeping the gifts. But sorry - don't want to confuse everyone by using common sense logic here.

What is the logical trail that leads from TY notes to duh keeping the gifts?  I'm not seeing it.  Theoretically, she should have ALREADY written the thank you notes, and she knows it.  She is trying to right a previous transgression, which has nothing to do with her current situation.  Please walk me through the obvious logic, Ms. Silverstone.  

I'm sorry - I would never assume someone was going to write a thank you note for gifts they weren't planning on keeping. If she HAD already written the notes, clearly that'd be different. So, since she hasn't and everyone is just answering her question on how to sign said thank you notes, it seems ridiculous to ask if she is planning on keeping them.

You seem like a pretty well educated woman, so it baffles my mind that you'd be confused on how that all seems pretty obvious. But, by all means, continue to post rude responses if it makes your day a little brighter.

Well, I'm educated enough so that if I were going to return a gift, i would do so with a note of appreciation that also explained why I was sending it back to the giver, rather than randomly shipping them a salad spinner with no explanation.  According to my theatre degrees, it might confuse them otherwise.

I also would love to know what about my last response to you was "rude"?  I guess anyone who needs clarification on anything is just rude and stupid in your eyes.

I agree with you on the note of clarification, I would probably call or have a family member call and say "Thank you so much for sending the gift, unfortunately due to the circumstances we felt the need to return it." However, that is very different than "Thanks so much for the salad spinner, it's making my culinary dreams a reality!" or what have you.

And, I find you responding with "What the fuck?" rude/aggressive/unnecessary. In addition, I'm guessing you added in your "Ms. Silverstone" quip as a valleygirl/ditzy insult? Regardless, I'm happy to have a conversation with you, and debate different points, give clarification, etc but there's no reason to immediately jump to nasty statements/insults.

Dreamergirl8812

CharlieKay10 said:

@StageManager14, thank you for filling me in. I agree with sending them out ASAP. For some reason, I had a "one year" rule in my head. Not sure where that came from!

Also, 

CALEO said:

CharlieKay10 said:

I agree with PP. I also have to say I commend you for sending out thank you notes even under your circumstances. My cousin was in an similar situation, except her marriage ended "officially" 2 months after the wedding (they separated right after the honeymoon - she was having an affair for months leading up to the wedding and basically everyone found out about it the day of the wedding - LONG story). She did not send thank you notes or return the gifts. It was kind of a let-down as we traveled across the country to attend - I never got a "thank you" phone call or even a Facebook message. 

I need to hear this story....

Ah, it's pretty bad. Sorry to threadjack OP... Also, the story is kind of long. And I guess it wasn't the day of the wedding - it was the Thursday and Friday before that shit really hit the fan.

 So, my younger cousin was getting married last year to this pretty awesome dude. He had met my family on multiple occasions and we all fell in love with him. He was perfect for her. He was a few years older than she was (26) - she was 22, just getting out of college, but she wanted to get married right away after graduation. So for 10 months she planned the wedding and was really excited about it (or so we all thought).

We flew down on Thursday for her Saturday evening wedding. As soon as I walk in the door, my aunt pulls me aside and is freaking out. "Jessica does not want to get married. She thinks Scott is wrong for her." "Scott gained weight. She's worried about their children being fat" "She needs come consoling, will you talk her into this? She needs to do this." So I go in, talk to Jess and her bridesmaids and they're all giving me the run-around "She's just scared" "We're going to pray about it" blah blah blah -- basically wanting to shoo me out of the room. So I left and thought she was just having cold feet.

That night after dinner, I run into Jess' MOH in the hotel lobby and she drunkenly confesses to me that Jess has been sleeping with a guy she met at her internship and she thinks she loves him more than she loves Scott. Because this internship dude smokes pot and has tattoos and listens to "her" kind of music (all of the great qualities you want in a guy, right?)... I knew immediately that she (obviously) should not be getting married.

The next day, Friday, I didn't see much of Jess as she was quarantiend by her BMs. They would barely let Jess' mom in to see her. I think they were all simultaneously talking her into and out of getting married. Some thought Scott was the perfect guy. Others knew she wasn't happy. And my aunt, Jess' mom, basically wanted her to talk down the damn aisle because 1.) the wedding was NOT cheap and 2.) Scott seriously was one of the most genuine people you could ever meet. It was a clusterfuck. The BMs wouldn't let me talk to her for more than 2 seconds because they thought I would influence her one way or another. Basically everyone went to bed not knowing what was going to happen.

Saturday morning, I meet the girls at the salon. Scott's three sisters were all in the wedding party (as attendants) so they were at the salon. Jess was surrounded by her BMs and they were all whispering. Jess started crying and walked outside. I went over to Scott's family and asked if Jess was okay. They told me that Jess was going to call her pastor and talk about it. They just thought she was nervous. (No one told them she was sleeping with some dude, obv.). As the day wears on, I learn more about the situation and that basically she knows Scott is good for her but she's just not in love and that she didn't want to get married but felt like she should/she had to. Poor Scott. She has all of her BMs and her mom now saying "yes, you should marry Scott" while her MOH is saying "No, you shouldn't." Around 2pm, Jess had a sudden epiphany and decided to get married. She texted internship dude a quick break-up text and Jess & Scott walked down the aisle four hours later. 

We go home, thinking she made the right decision, (while simultaneously feeling horrible for Scott and wondering if he'd find out) We heard from Jess' mom two weeks later that they are separated. A month and a half later, they were officially divorced. She has not called or texted any of our family since. Now she's dating internship dude and basically doing nothing with her life.

At least she wasn't cheating with her FI's dad???

wrigleyville

CharlieKay10 said:

... has been sleeping with a guy she met at her internship and she thinks she loves him more than she loves Scott. Because this internship dude smokes pot and has tattoos and listens to "her" kind of music (all of the great qualities you want in a guy, right?)...

Actually, yes.

CharlieKay10

wrigleyville said:

CharlieKay10 said:

... has been sleeping with a guy she met at her internship and she thinks she loves him more than she loves Scott. Because this internship dude smokes pot and has tattoos and listens to "her" kind of music (all of the great qualities you want in a guy, right?)...

Actually, yes.

Haha oh girl, me too. I meant that those qualities were the ONLY things she listed as positive. Those were her reasons for wanting to leave her FI..,

LavenderHoneyBee

StageManager14 said:

@LavenderHoneyBee, I agree, those WOULD be very different notes. Hence the need to know which kind she was writing before advising her on wording. And as for the Ms. Silverstone corny, it was merely a reference to the movie that made the word duh popular. Once again, you seek personal insult where there is none, sorry.

LavenderHoneyBee

StageManager14 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

StageManager14 said:

@LavenderHoneyBee, I agree, those WOULD be very different notes. Hence the need to know which kind she was writing before advising her on wording. And as for the Ms. Silverstone corny, it was merely a reference to the movie that made the word duh popular. Once again, you seek personal insult where there is none, sorry.

No wonder you're paranoid that people will call you a dumb valley girl or whatever it was you accused me of earlier.  

I'm truly concerned about your ability to take a joke. You made the reference, I just served it back up as a light hearted joke and a way to end this discussion because we clearly won't see eye to eye.