Wedding Etiquette Forum

So many questions!

Help! I have a lot of questions.
Here's what we are doing...
Due to school and financial reasons my FI and I are having a small ceremony in about 2 1/2 weeks. It will be just immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents, about 15 ppl total). It will be at this beautiful historic tree that is over 500 years old. It will be a very short ceremony, probably less than 10 minutes. About a month later we are having a "celebration"/party at a different location to celebrate our marriage in which we are inviting all of our family and friends.

Ceremony-Because of the tree's historical significance and the effort to preserve the tree, there is NO setup allowed. This means we cannot setup chairs or anything else, they will allow for my grandmother who cannot stand for long to have a chair and anyone else who needed one for health reasons. My question regarding this is if that is rude? My first instinct is yes, I should provide seating. However if the location does not allow it and the ceremony will be short is it ok? Many, many people get married here (not that everyone else has proper etiquette). I considered bringing qults for anyone who would like to sit.

Second question. This is in 2 1/2 weeks, very near impossible to get invitations out, we have checked with all of our family and they are so excited and able to come. Is it ok to tell everyone out plans by calling them? Also, this is about an 1 1/2 away from us and my family and 3 hours for FI's family.

Last questiom. We would like to go to a restaurant to eat with everyone who would like to afterwards. Should we pay for everyone's meals? We cant really afford to but I don't want to be rude and we will just be telling everyone that we are going to eat and would love it if they could join us.

Re: So many questions!

  • 1) You need chairs for every butt. It is horribly rude to make people stand. They arrive 15 mins early and 15 mons for the ceremony, that can be a long time for people.

    2) Make phone calls. Two weeks is far too soon to do anything else and I wouldn't trust email. 

    3) You need to host something after the ceremony. It doesn't have to be a full meal as long as it's not a meal time. Have cupcakes and coffee after at your/parents home. 

    As for a celebration later, please know that is it frowned upon to have a full ceremony, big white dress,spotlight dances, etc. This should be more of a party and less of a reception. There are many threads that refer to this that you could search for. 
  • As for the chairs, I normally advocate for chairs. You really should have a seat for every butt, but I'm going to go against the grain here and say I have been to a wedding where it wasn't possible to have chairs, and it was fine. However, there WAS a place for us all to sit nearby (some on benches some on this ledge thing, but at least it was something) while we waited for the actual ceremony to start, and then we moved to the ceremony location and stood for the super short ceremony. If you've got NO PLACE to sit anywhere in the immediate area, I'm not a fan. 

    Yes, you could just call people. 

    You need to host something, even if it's just some cake and punch, for the people who attend the ceremony. THEN they can pay for themselves if they choose to join you for dinner. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • laurenali said:
    Help! I have a lot of questions. 
    Here's what we are doing... 
    Due to school and financial reasons my FI and I are having a small ceremony in about 2 1/2 weeks. It will be just immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents, about 15 ppl total). It will be at this beautiful historic tree that is over 500 years old. It will be a very short ceremony, probably less than 10 minutes. About a month later we are having a "celebration"/party at a different location to celebrate our marriage in which we are inviting all of our family and friends. 
    Sounds lovely.

    Ceremony-Because of the tree's historical significance and the effort to preserve the tree, there is NO setup allowed. This means we cannot setup chairs or anything else, they will allow for my grandmother who cannot stand for long to have a chair and anyone else who needed one for health reasons. My question regarding this is if that is rude? My first instinct is yes, I should provide seating. However if the location does not allow it and the ceremony will be short is it ok? Many, many people get married here (not that everyone else has proper etiquette). I considered bringing qults for anyone who would like to sit. 
    Your first instinct is correct - it's not proper etiquette to not have seating for people. Would they let you bring hay bales and put quilts on those? That is a totally acceptable way to seat people without using chairs, but it's rude to have them sit on the ground - even if you do bring quilts.

    Second question. This is in 2 1/2 weeks, very near impossible to get invitations out, we have checked with all of our family and they are so excited and able to come. Is it ok to tell everyone out plans by calling them? Also, this is about an 1 1/2 away from us and my family and 3 hours for FI's family. 
    A paper invitation would be ideal, but if your ceremony is just immediate family and they are aware and can plan for this, I think calling is fine. It is a bit imposing to assume that anyone would be able to attend at such short notice and you may disappoint people who want to but cannot make it.  I would prepare yourself for that. I would be happy for the two of you, but annoyed at how imposing the short time frame is.

    Last questiom. We would like to go to a restaurant to eat with everyone who would like to afterwards. Should we pay for everyone's meals? We cant really afford to but I don't want to be rude and we will just be telling everyone that we are going to eat and would love it if they could join us.
    Yes - a meal afterwards would be your reception. A reception is where you "receive" guests who attended your wedding and thank them for attending. You host. You should have some type of reception for anyone who attends. It's very rude to have a ceremony and then not "receive" your guests. Do what you can afford. Find a park with a pavilion and grill burgers or something, but you need to host. If it's meal time, you need to host a meal. If not, you can do snacks/cake and punch. 

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  • They will not allow any hay bales or any type of setup, I got the impression even the quilts would not be ok with them. We checked with everyone to be sure that date would work and were prepared to do it at another time, everyone was more than fine with that date.

    I'm not having a PPD later, it is going to be a celebration with food and cupcakes and a chance to celebrate with everyone and allow our two families to meet.
  • laurenali said:
    They will not allow any hay bales or any type of setup, I got the impression even the quilts would not be ok with them. We checked with everyone to be sure that date would work and were prepared to do it at another time, everyone was more than fine with that date. I'm not having a PPD later, it is going to be a celebration with food and cupcakes and a chance to celebrate with everyone and allow our two families to meet.
    In that instance I would simply do it someplace else.  You need a chair for everyone to sit on, and if they won't even allow quilts, then this is not a good location for a wedding ceremony.

    Regardless of what you are having later, you need to provide some refreshments suitable for the time of day on the day you get married for everyone invited, regardless of how few those are and who's "fine" with getting nothing.  If that's at mealtime, you provide a meal entirely at your expense.  It doesn't have to be expensive or fancy, but you are responsible for paying for it-not anyone else.
  • If people are travelling 3 hours there and back, I would really try to host a meal, even if it's something simple like a picnic at a park pavillion. You might be able to get platters or order family style from a local grocery or restaurant.

  • I talked to FI and we will be taking everyone out to lunch.
  • We didn't have chairs for everyone at our ceremony, but there were benches just off to the side if anyone needed to sit down. We also provided a few chairs for people who needed them. If there's no where for people to sit, you have a problem. If the venue doesn't allow chairs but there is seating nearby, I'm okay with it. 

    But in your position, since it's just immediate family, I might try to lie to the venue and tell them everyone has a medical problem and needs a chair.
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I would fight tooth and nail to get seating for everyone, even if it's just people bringing towels to sit on. There are days when I think I can stand for that long, and then I end up really miserable, especially if I have to walk a ways to the location, and then walk back.

    How many people are going to be at the ceremony anyway? For some people, immediate family is less than 10 people, and for some people it's upwards of 20. If it's less than 10 or 15, then it might be easier to manage the venue if you don't have a chair (or a towel) per butt. If it's closer to 20, or even more than that, I would reconsider the venue.

    Calling people is fine. Going out to a restaurant afterwards sounds like a blast--feel free to pick somewhere inexpensive. Anyone who complains can pony up and pay for everyone's meal, as far as I'm concerned. Hopefully, no one will be rude and complain. I'm annoyed with my partner, who KEEPS complaining about the food served at his brother's wedding; they were on a budget, just like we are!

    I don't think there's a problem with having a party later, so long as everyone understands that you're already married. So I wouldn't have a fake ceremony, although hells yeah I'd wear a wedding dress if I wanted to.
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  • Your wedding ideas sound similar to mine. My fiance and I are having a small family only wedding (like 10 people) and then taking them out for a meal. We are getting married in 7 months so he has time to save up money.
    I agree with taking people someone inexpensive that you love.

    We are having a party about a month later hosted by my parents. I would say have food, dancing if you like and celebrate. I plan on wearing my wedding dress again. And we might have toasts--because my sister wants to give one. My dad wants us to have dancing as well.

    Hope you have a beautiful ceremony and party.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Good plan on taking everyone to lunch.

    The chairs thing is troublesome, though. Are there any other beautiful outdoor spots where you could do the ceremony WITH chairs?  You can always get beautiful photos of you and H under the tree...no pain for the guests required.

  • fre3doms said:
    Your wedding ideas sound similar to mine. My fiance and I are having a small family only wedding (like 10 people) and then taking them out for a meal. We are getting married in 7 months so he has time to save up money.
    I agree with taking people someone inexpensive that you love.

    We are having a party about a month later hosted by my parents. I would say have food, dancing if you like and celebrate. I plan on wearing my wedding dress again. And we might have toasts--because my sister wants to give one. My dad wants us to have dancing as well.

    Hope you have a beautiful ceremony and party.
    Why not just have it right after your wedding?

  • fre3doms said:
    Your wedding ideas sound similar to mine. My fiance and I are having a small family only wedding (like 10 people) and then taking them out for a meal. We are getting married in 7 months so he has time to save up money.
    I agree with taking people someone inexpensive that you love.

    We are having a party about a month later hosted by my parents. I would say have food, dancing if you like and celebrate. I plan on wearing my wedding dress again. And we might have toasts--because my sister wants to give one. My dad wants us to have dancing as well.

    Hope you have a beautiful ceremony and party.
    Why not just have it right after your wedding?
    You're getting married in 7 months and having a reception in 8 months? I feel like this questions is obvious but I'll say it anyway: Why not get married in 8 months or have a reception in 7?



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  • I'm confused.  What the financial reasons are that only allow you to have a "small" wedding in 2 1/2 weeks, but allow you to host a party a month later?

    Why not have both at the same time?  I'd vote for having the ceremony at the second planned party since there seem to be a lot of logistical problems with getting married under this historic tree.  

    If you go with your original plan, you need to host something for everyone that attends your ceremony.  Again, if you just have one party then that will prevent you from having to pay to host these people twice.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    I'm confused.  What the financial reasons are that only allow you to have a "small" wedding in 2 1/2 weeks, but allow you to host a party a month later?

    Why not have both at the same time?  I'd vote for having the ceremony at the second planned party since there seem to be a lot of logistical problems with getting married under this historic tree.  

    If you go with your original plan, you need to host something for everyone that attends your ceremony.  Again, if you just have one party then that will prevent you from having to pay to host these people twice.
    This. I don't understand how the party is somehow going to cost less by having it a month afterward.
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  • Mainly what i meant when i said "because of school and financial reasons..." was that was te reason we were doing it on the date we chose. 2 weeks is too short of notice to have 100 people come out as opposed to 6 weeks but worked just fine ti have parents and siblings and grandparents to come. Also It would cost more to have a ceremony with 100+ people and we would not be able to get married at the tree because they have a cap of 25 people. Also we were going to get married just the two of us at this tree but later decided to invite immediate family. We do not want a large wedding but would like the rest of our friends and family to celebrate with us at a later date.
  • We figured the rest out. Thanks for all of your advice.
  • laurenali said:
    We figured the rest out. Thanks for all of your advice.
    How are you getting around the no chairs thing or did you change venues?

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • We are having the ceremony without chairs. There is an area right next to the spot where everyone can meet up when we get there and sit immediately after the 10 minute ceremony. I spoke to everyone who will be there and they said it was ridiculous to even be worried about it. If it were anyone besides our immediate family I would do something different. But the original plan was for it to be just the two of us. We will be taking everyone to lunch afterwards.
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