Wedding Etiquette Forum

How Rude is it for the Bride to leave the RD early?

Sorta long (sorry!)

I'm getting married in LESS than TWO WEEKS! EEEEP!
My FMIL is causing me so much anxiety that I am not looking forward to the wedding. 

My FMIL came to KY to visit/meet my parents/ find a RD venue a few months ago. She really insulted my family. She complained about everything, had nothing positive to say, and made snarky comments like "they roll the streets up early here" and said she didn't know what the guests would do besides attend the wedding. Rude. Now my parents and sister don't even want to go to the RD either.

Anyways, our wedding is at a historic property, so we scheduled the rehearsal at 5pm, since we have to be out of the building by 6pm. We asked her months ago to plan the RD at 6 since we only have 2 attendants each and the rehearsal won't take long. She scheduled it at 8pm. When my fiance told her we didn't want it that late because we had other plans after, she told him "If you all aren't going to listen to my opinion about anything, I don't even know why your father and I should even come" 

He has since forgiven the comment. (I haven't) He got her to move the time up to 7. She wouldn't move it up any earlier because she has family flying in and she insisted on having her out of town family invited to the RD. I turned down the offer to have some of my out town guests invited as well, because (1) I have anxiety and don't handle big crowds. (the wedding will be bad enough) and (2) if we invite my out of town guests as well, the only people not invited to the RD will be my aunts and uncle who actually live in KY. 

I'm so frustrated. FMIL has said repeatedly that we should do what we want, but everything we say, she turns down. We wanted just bridal party, she invited guests. We wanted it casual, she is having a steak dinner (we're not even having a dinner at the wedding) We wanted it early, she is having it later. SIGH. 

My major dilemma aside from having to deal with her for the rest of my life is that some of my college and high school friends that i haven't seen in 3 years are coming in the night before and we have plans to have a small get together around 8pm, so that I can welcome them and see them before the wedding and still get to bed at a decent hour. now that the RD isn't starting until 7, I'm almost guaranteed to have to leave early or miss seeing my friends. What do I do?
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Re: How Rude is it for the Bride to leave the RD early?

  • Can you meet with them before the RD?
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  • Your FMIL is paying for the dinner so she really gets the final say. She sure doesn't sound pleasant, but I'd just let it go.

    Only spending an hour at the rehearsal dinner would piss her off, though. I'd push your plans back to 8:30 or 9 and spend an hour or so with your friends.
  • It would be extremely rude to leave at 8. You should have declined the event long ago, but since you didn't you're stuck. Either meet up with them pre-rehersal or after the dinner. And if it's a full multi course meal, leaving before 9:30 would seem very off to me. I understand it's not what you wanted, but if your wedding is that soon I think the blames really on you for planning to meet friends at the same time as the rehersal dinner.
  • Move meeting with your friends to 9pm and do both.
  • It would be extremely rude to leave at 8. You should have declined the event long ago, but since you didn't you're stuck. Either meet up with them pre-rehersal or after the dinner. And if it's a full multi course meal, leaving before 9:30 would seem very off to me. I understand it's not what you wanted, but if your wedding is that soon I think the blames really on you for planning to meet friends at the same time as the rehersal dinner.
    2.5 hours seems a bit long to me. I don't know if they're going to do a ton of toasts or what, but if everyone gets there at 7 and food is served relatively quickly, it seems like she could leave at 9. But 8 is too early, everyone probably won't be eating yet.
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  • As big a PITA as your FMIL sounds, it really would be rude to leave the RD early to be with your college friends.

    I'd reschedule the meeting with your friends for either before or after the dinner.  As for your FMIL, develop selective hearing.  If she continues to make snide remarks throughout the dinner, that reflects on her, not on you.
  • AprilH81 - I wish, that'd be so much easier. :)  Unfortunately, they're driving in from about 12 hours away and won't arrive until about 6ish. :(
  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited July 2013
    It would be extremely rude to leave at 8. You should have declined the event long ago, but since you didn't you're stuck. Either meet up with them pre-rehersal or after the dinner. And if it's a full multi course meal, leaving before 9:30 would seem very off to me. I understand it's not what you wanted, but if your wedding is that soon I think the blames really on you for planning to meet friends at the same time as the rehersal dinner.
    All this.  I think you have a lot of valid complaints, but since you chose to accept your FMIL's offer to host the rehearsal dinner, you're stuck with what she has planned.

    It sounds like you could have invited your OOT friends to the RD but chose not to.  You need to move your plans back with them so that you can stay for the whole RD.

    Aside from it being rude to leave the RD early, doing so would probably cause major drama with your FMIL.  That's not exactly a note I'd like to start the official in-law relationship on KWIM?
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • It sounds like you and your FI accepted your FMIL's offer to host your RD. If that's the case, she gets a say in the time, the menu, the venue, etc. What time is the RD over? Can't you see your friends after that? Even if it lasts two or three hours, you can surely see them for an hour and still get to bed at a decent hour. 

    It would be incredibly rude to leave the event your ILs are hosting (in your honor) to go and hang out with your friends (who your IL's told you you could invite, btw). I think you will seriously insult them if you do this and for a couple hours with some buddies you will see the next day, I really don't think it's worth it.
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  • I think you're setting yourself up to be stretched very thin and also to be rude to many people.

    Either decline the RD and host a different one, invite those friends to the RD or tell those friends that you won't be able to see them until very late/possibly not at all.

    It sounds like your FMIL is very difficult and your FI won't stand up and state what will and won't work as a unified decision between the two of you. Even with all her rudeness, you would be really rude to leave the RD to meet friends at 8. That's choosing to leave before your guests will even be done eating. An action like that almost certainly sets you up for huge MIL friction on your wedding day and for the beginning of your marriage.
  • Your college friends have to eat dinner anyway. Let them get together at 8 and get food and you can meet up with them after.
    Anniversary
  • I agree - don't leave early. You're just asking for a world of trouble there - as big as a PITA as she sounds, I'd slightly agree with your FMIL if she got pissed over you bailing early. Not to mention, you're supposed to be hosting/attending the RD as a thank you to those that are putting time and money into your wedding. You can't do that if you're saying "See ya!" and ducking out.

    I vote you see them earlier in the day, later that night, or it will just have to wait. Or just invite them - problem solved.;

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  • on a different note, did you say your wedding has no food? Your guest are all coming from out of town and your actual wedding has no food?? what time is your wedding going to be held?
  • Thanks for all of your input. I had a feeling this is the advice I'd get. I guess it's just so frustrating because if I knew she'd planned the RD at 8, my fiance and I never would have planned to meet up with other friends in the first place. Since she came to KY back in March, we've had the rehearsal planned at 5 and she said she'd plan the RD at 6, so making it later just sort of came out of the blue. 

    Ok, any other advice for how to deal with her at the RD? And the day of the wedding? I've "bean dipped" her and tried to avoid most of her mean comments for the past year, but I'm really sensitive and I don't want to let her comments get to me and make me cry the day of the RD. 
  • She can't make you cry. You let her do that. You know what comments she's likely to make, so make a plan. Simple responses, exit strategies, other people who can discreetly run interference. And who knows- with all her OOT family she might be too busy to bother you much!
  • I'd just like to add, don't be surprised if your BP skips the dinner. If I was your BM and had to kill time, I would probably eat and leave. 
  • @HisGirlFriday- I'd support all of that, but it is in 2 weeks and all the guests have already been invited and made their plans accordingly. Extraordinarily selfish to inconvenience them with a late breaking backbone growth spurt.
  • edited July 2013
    loca4pook - we're having a heavy HD at stations  w/ beer and wine reception. I just didn't want a formal seated dinner. The reception will start as soon as the ceremony is over. I don't want people to wait for all the pictures to be over. I have an anxiety disorder so we've worked with the planner to minimize me being the center of attention and making the reception into just a big party. I just wanted to go the courthouse. The whole wedding was my fiance's idea. 

    HisGirlFriday13- FMIL has already sent out embossed formal printed invitations to the RD. :( I suggested that she just host a "Welcome Dinner" for her family. That went over like a lead balloon. 
  • misssunshine17 - the BP is all family... 
  • starmoon44-  is there a reason you need to be mean? "a late breaking backbone growth spurt" ??

    All the advice I've read on these forums say to let the fiance deal with his mother. I've done that. My FMIL changed plans that we had set since March. I came and asked for advice on how to handle that. 

    I have a back bone. Thank you very much. The only reason I haven't had words with my FMIL is because my fiance asked me not to. 

    If makes you feel better to bully people online, be my guest. Continue to release a hateful diatribe. It's unnecessary, but thank you for the rest of your advice. 
  • jesscoe said:
    Thanks for all of your input. I had a feeling this is the advice I'd get. I guess it's just so frustrating because if I knew she'd planned the RD at 8, my fiance and I never would have planned to meet up with other friends in the first place. Since she came to KY back in March, we've had the rehearsal planned at 5 and she said she'd plan the RD at 6, so making it later just sort of came out of the blue. 

    Ok, any other advice for how to deal with her at the RD? And the day of the wedding? I've "bean dipped" her and tried to avoid most of her mean comments for the past year, but I'm really sensitive and I don't want to let her comments get to me and make me cry the day of the RD. 
    Definitely reschedule to meet up with your friends earlier in the day or at some other time. Leaving the rehearsal dinner would be super rude because there are going to be guests present that rehearsed for your wedding. They want to see you.
    I know you're frustrated and I would be, too. I just wish you had come to us sooner, before the invitations to this mess were sent out, so we could have quickly advised you to scrap your FMIL's plans and host your own RD. Unfortunately, shoulda woulda coulda and now I strongly urge you to make the best of the situation.

    Look in the mirror and practice your "indifference face." You know, the one you put on when you run into your ex and he tells you about his hot new girlfriend, the super model from Venezuela, and their 2.5 kids and their perfect home and their perfect vacation home and the yacht their planning on buying just because they want to celebrate the million dollars he just made in his randomly lucrative career as something you can't even pronounce. As great as that all sounds, you prefer your fiance, right? So you smile and nod and say, "that's terrific." Practice your indifference face. Rehearse saying phrases like, "that's terrific, FMIL." "That's too bad you feel that way" and, my personal favorite, "How are your bunions doing? No? I could have sworn Fi told me you had bunions... hmmm...."
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  • Um, I actually think a late breaking backbone growth spurt is a great thing! Better late than never, and will serve you well in the future, just inconveniently timed for this particular event.

    If that comment is what you consider a "hateful diatribe" I respectfully suggest that your sensitivity level is in need of recalibration.
  • Starmoon44- you're probably right. sorry. i'm just up to my eyeballs in DIY wedding crap. I'm making program fans at this moment because i'm getting married outside at the end of july in KY. Who thought that was a good idea? and i have a paper cut. and I won't see my fiance again until about two days before the wedding. I'm just really really overwhelmed. sorry again. i just hate everything. I want to get married but I don't want anything to do with my wedding right now so i'm overreacting to everything. Please tell me this is normal? waaah. 

    okay. pout is over. is it wine o'clock yet?
  • jesscoe said:
    starmoon44-  is there a reason you need to be mean? "a late breaking backbone growth spurt" ??

    All the advice I've read on these forums say to let the fiance deal with his mother. I've done that. My FMIL changed plans that we had set since March. I came and asked for advice on how to handle that. 

    I have a back bone. Thank you very much. The only reason I haven't had words with my FMIL is because my fiance asked me not to. 

    If makes you feel better to bully people online, be my guest. Continue to release a hateful diatribe. It's unnecessary, but thank you for the rest of your advice. 
    @starmoon44 wasn't mean - she said it would be rude to cancel 2 weeks before the wedding - it's late in the game to grow the balls you should have had a few months ago, and I agree. It's not bullying. It's you FI that should have had the backbone months ago - she's his mother and he should know her game by now.

    And she's also right about the crying part - you're giving FMIL power over you by letting her make you feel like that. It stinks, but it's true.
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  • While at the dinner, try to avoid physical proximity to her-be polite but keep sufficient distance between you and her that she can't whisper or murmur anything to you that nobody else can hear.

    Also, since it sounds like she gets a kick out of  I'd give the other guests a heads-up that her brain-to-mouth filter is dysfunctional and she may say insulting things; if, regardless of how nasty they are, nobody takes them seriously, it just may put a dent in her fun.
  • @jesscoe. Completely get that feeling. It is absolutely wine o'clock. Only 2 more weeks and you never have to plan a wedding again.
  • Okay, so I'm going to stay for the RD. At least there will be alcohol. I'll stay as far away from her as physically possible. I'll probably end up biting my tongue. I'll try to avoid rolling my eyes. Any other advice?

    I'll reschedule hanging out with my girl friends. Thoughts on a bridal brunch the next day? I don't have to start getting ready for the wedding until 11am, so will I regret having 5 really good friends over for brunch at like 8 or 9? If I was having a large BP, they'd have been it. 

    Also, any suggestions for how to handle the hour gap between rehearsal and RD? I'm pretty sure FMIL hasn't thought if it and if I leave it up to my MOH (sister) and my dad, they'll be doing tequila shots or something and call it "medicinal" so they can tolerate my FMIL.  lol
  • jesscoe said:
    Okay, so I'm going to stay for the RD. At least there will be alcohol. I'll stay as far away from her as physically possible. I'll probably end up biting my tongue. I'll try to avoid rolling my eyes. Any other advice?

    I'll reschedule hanging out with my girl friends. Thoughts on a bridal brunch the next day? I don't have to start getting ready for the wedding until 11am, so will I regret having 5 really good friends over for brunch at like 8 or 9? If I was having a large BP, they'd have been it. 

    Also, any suggestions for how to handle the hour gap between rehearsal and RD? I'm pretty sure FMIL hasn't thought if it and if I leave it up to my MOH (sister) and my dad, they'll be doing tequila shots or something and call it "medicinal" so they can tolerate my FMIL.  lol
    I think a bridal brunch/breakfast is a good idea.

    For the gap... maybe you can hit up a bar or something? Nothing crazy, just maybe a restaurant that happens to have a bar area?
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  • jesscoe said:
    Okay, so I'm going to stay for the RD. At least there will be alcohol. I'll stay as far away from her as physically possible. I'll probably end up biting my tongue. I'll try to avoid rolling my eyes. Any other advice?

    I'll reschedule hanging out with my girl friends. Thoughts on a bridal brunch the next day? I don't have to start getting ready for the wedding until 11am, so will I regret having 5 really good friends over for brunch at like 8 or 9? If I was having a large BP, they'd have been it. 

    Also, any suggestions for how to handle the hour gap between rehearsal and RD? I'm pretty sure FMIL hasn't thought if it and if I leave it up to my MOH (sister) and my dad, they'll be doing tequila shots or something and call it "medicinal" so they can tolerate my FMIL.  lol
    I'd call it breakfast if you want them out by the time you want to start getting ready, brunch if you want them to be there. Breakfast usually ends by 11-11:30 while brunch can go from 9-2pm.
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