Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to tell someone they're not invited??

So, I was adopted, and when I turned 18 I met my birthmother and her family. I have stayed friends with my birthmother, but I'm not really all that close to her family. I'll see them when she's in town, but I don't go out of my way to see them other than that.

My fiance and I decided a couple of months ago that planning a wedding was way too stressful, so we are going to Vegas in March 2014. Our parents and some of our close friends and family members (including my birthmother and her husband) are going with us, but we're just getting married in a Vegas wedding chapel, nothing big, no reception, no formal invitations, maybe we'll go to lunch after.

This past weekend, my birthmother was in town because one of her nieces graduated from high school. My fiance and I went to the graduation party, mostly to see my birthmother, and every single member of her family came up to us to congratulate us on our engagement, and to let us know that they would try to be there in Vegas. My birthmother's father even told me he was already planning to take time off so he could be there.

Ok, I never told any of these people that we were getting married in Vegas, let alone that they were invited! They must have heard it from my birthmother! The problem is that I don't really want any of these people to be there, mainly because the point of doing it in Vegas was so that we wouldn't have to worry about invitations and plans and all that mess! Plus, the more people who go, the more people we're going to have to carve out time to see, and we only plan on spending about 4 days there so we really don't want to spend our entire trip hanging out with people who just assumed they were invited.

How do I tell them they're not invited?? Should I talk to my birthmother about it? The whole situation really kind of offends me, because I never once told her that I was inviting her family, but she seems to have assumed that it was ok for her to invite them herself. How do I handle this situation?
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Re: How to tell someone they're not invited??

  • Leave their names off the guest list when you send your invitations to those you want to attend.

    If any of these people complain, tell them, "Unfortunately, it wasn't possible to invite everyone we'd have liked to." 

    When it comes to your birth mother, you might ask her if she told anyone about your wedding, and then if she replies yes, you might respond, "I'd appreciate it if from this moment on you wouldn't tell anyone that they're invited because our guest list is tight and we're not going to be able to extend it."  Don't offer reasons why you can't extend it, and don't give in if she pressures you to invite anyone else.  Be firm.
  • We weren't even planning on sending invitations. We were really planning on doing more of an "elopement with guests" type thing, where we just tell the people we want there. I never thought that anyone would just assume that they were invited, usually when people say they're getting married in Vegas people assume they're eloping and that NO ONE is invited.
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  •                 I will say if you are having guests you need to host something, even if it's just cake and punch.
       As far as inviting them goes, I'd call or email your birth mother and just tell her you are keeping it to a few people only, no extended family at all. If you see those family members-I'm sorry we're only having a few guests, and then bean dip them.
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  • We weren't even planning on sending invitations. We were really planning on doing more of an "elopement with guests" type thing, where we just tell the people we want there. I never thought that anyone would just assume that they were invited, usually when people say they're getting married in Vegas people assume they're eloping and that NO ONE is invited.
    1) Plenty of people get married in Vegas with guests.

    2) That's what you're doing. An elopement is secret and private.

    3) Please, please tell me you're feeding your guests. And send them invitations. It's not nice to tell people they're not invited. Much preferable for them to get the hint when they don't get an invitation.
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  • We're not having a wedding. We're getting married in a Vegas wedding chapel and that's it. The whole point of going to Vegas was so we wouldn't have to host anything or feed anyone or mess with any of that. When we told our parents, they wanted to be there too. It's not like we're having a big destination wedding. I really don't think we are required to host something or feed people for what we have planned.
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  • And I really don't think we should be required to shell out money for invitations for the 10 people who are going to be there.
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  • We're not having a wedding. We're getting married in a Vegas wedding chapel and that's it. The whole point of going to Vegas was so we wouldn't have to host anything or feed anyone or mess with any of that. When we told our parents, they wanted to be there too. It's not like we're having a big destination wedding. I really don't think we are required to host something or feed people for what we have planned.
    Getting married = "having a wedding."  And regardless of the term you use for your ceremony, if you invite people to witness it, you are hosting them and must feed them.

    So you're wrong all the way around on this.

  • We're not having a wedding. We're getting married in a Vegas wedding chapel and that's it. The whole point of going to Vegas was so we wouldn't have to host anything or feed anyone or mess with any of that. When we told our parents, they wanted to be there too. It's not like we're having a big destination wedding. I really don't think we are required to host something or feed people for what we have planned.
    So basic etiquette doesn't apply because of the city it's taking place in and not many people are invited? That makes no sense.

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  • Let me get this straight. You're getting married in Vegas and people are travelling there and spending money on hotels and you're not willing to buy them a sandwich and a cupcake... seriously??
  • OP, you need to realize that PPs are right and the act of getting legally married is, in fact, a wedding. If you are inviting ANYONE to be present at your wedding and witness your marriage, you have to host them somehow, someway. If it's truly only 10 or so people, that isn't any more "mess" to plan than something like a birthday dinner at Applebee's. I mean, really, I'm sure Vegas has an Applebee's. 

    Also, not to assume anything, but if you think that what you're planning isn't a real wedding, just be aware that you don't get to have a do-over "wedding" sometime in the future with the big dress, the bridal party, the showers and bachelorette party, etc. This is your one & only wedding and it's very real.
  • OP, are you saying that you told your parents and family members that you're eloping, and they just invited themselves along?  And, if so, are you not telling them that you'd rather it be private and just letting them assume they can come along?  (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

    If so, then I don't think you have to send invitations since they aren't invited - they're essentially crashing your wedding, but you're not doing anything to prevent that.  I don't know that you can really prevent them from buying plane tickets, booking hotel rooms, and just showing up, if you've told them when and where.


  • My dad did the same thing for me.  My FI and I are still figuring out the guest list logistics since we're technically having a destination wedding, and I keep flip-flopping between inviting only immediate family and having no drama or inviting all 14 of my aunts and uncles and dealing with drama.  My dad has already let his brothers and sisters know when the wedding is, and I've received numerous texts and emails about how people are going to show up.

    I am hoping that they will get the hint if they don't receive a save the date or invite - however, some aunts have been known to crash parties which they were absolutely not invited to.  It's also about $1,000 per person to travel to our venue from their homes, so that's also on my side.  If all else fails, I'm going to have to have a talk with my dad about inviting people on my behalf.
  • edited July 2013
    We're not having a wedding. We're getting married in a Vegas wedding chapel and that's it. The whole point of going to Vegas was so we wouldn't have to host anything or feed anyone or mess with any of that. When we told our parents, they wanted to be there too. It's not like we're having a big destination wedding. I really don't think we are required to host something or feed people for what we have planned.
    If anyone witnesses your wedding, yes you do. That's what the reception is for, to thank them for being there for you. Tell them they can't tag along if you really don't want to feed them.

    ETA: I realize you didn't want to hear any of this, but you did put this out there on the etiquette board, and we are going to tell you how to be a proper host.
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  • To answer your original question: I would talk to your birthmother and let her know your reasons behind going to Vegas (to keep it small and avoid having a large celebration with lots of guests). Let her know it's immediate family (and her) only and to please correct it with whoever she has told. This is her faux pas.

    If you are telling people (i.e. your parents, your birthmother, etc.) that they can attend your wedding, it's a verbal invitation. I see what you have in mind here as far as keeping it simple, but you are getting married and you're having witnesses/guests. So you don't need to do anything complicated, but you need to host something to thank them for traveling and witnessing you becoming husband and wife. You don't even need to make a reservation (I would though). Just take them out for burgers and a beer on the strip afterwards. You'll be done in an hour. Easy.
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  • Ditto PPs. You're having a wedding. It's not a big wedding, but it's a wedding nonetheless. If you invite anybody to come to Vegas to see this wedding, you need to host some kind of refreshments after it. If you can't afford to do that, you need to tell these people they can't come, and tell your birth mother that you don't want a bunch of people there and she needs to relay that to the people she has verbally invited. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Same happened to me. FMIL started to invite people I hadn't invited. I had sent out the invitations and she started to invite people who hadn't received one.

    I told her we were having a small wedding (in Las Vegas as well) and that if we didn't invite those people it's because we wanted it small and that she should uninvite those people telling them it was her mistake.

    You shouldn't have to stress with her mistake.

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  • Well if you're not hosting anyone, why does it even matter if there are extra people at the ceremony...?
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  • The hundreds of us on the extremely active Vegas board would like to have a word with you regarding what is a "real" wedding and what isn't...

    We're also feeding our guests and hosting them properly. Just because it is in Vegas doesn't mean the usual etiquette doesn't apply. People are paying for flights and hotels and you can't even be bothered to feed them one meal? Nobody is saying it has to be fancy.

    Come to the Vegas board for tips.
  • Giving invitations is going to be the easiest way to deal with this. You can buy some invitations from Michaels and print them yourself. The family will get the hint when your birthmother and her husband get an invitation but they don't. If they ask where theirs is, simply say that you are having a small wedding and cannot invite everyone.

    And please, buy the people who are witnessing your wedding a sandwich after. A wedding is when you get married - it doesn't mean a big, fancy white dress and party.
  • Wow. Now I remember why I don't get on message boards.
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  • I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?
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  • lauralee1723lauralee1723 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    Also, I love how this entire discussion became about how I HAVE to send invitations and host something, and not at all about my original question.
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  • I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?
    No, but you treat them the same way any host treats their guests-because that's what they are.  You provide them with a meal. If you don't want them there, then you shouldn't have opened your mouth and told them.

    And stop badmouthing us and being defensive because we told you something you didn't want to hear.
  • I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

    You shouldn't have said anything if you didn't want people there. You have now invited them. You can feed 10 people for $50-100 in Vegas and be a good host. Or you can be a dick to your friends and family and not host something simple. Your call.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • edited July 2013
    I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?
    That's not what anyone said. What we did say is that you should tell them either: A) "great! happy you'll be there." and treat them like the wedding guests they are; or B) say "we're doing this so that we don't have to host anyone. Sorry, but we can't afford it and want it to be only FI and I." 

    You can't have it both ways. That's what people are saying.

    ETA: well, you CAN have it both ways but it's extremely rude and you'd be breaking etiquette big time. People on the etiquette board generally recommend options that won't make you come off as rude and insulting. Take it or leave it.
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  • So it's you, your fiance and like 6-8 extra people at this point?

    I think the invitation thing actually does answer your question -- it's a good way to let those "extras" know that they're not invited. At www.vistaprint.com, you can get 10 invitations for $10.99. Super cheap way to handle your problem. Alternatively, you just have to man up, talk to your biological mother, and tell her that these extra guests aren't invited.

    I agree with the previous posters -- take the guests out for food after the ceremony. Vegas has a plethora of cheap eats and buffets. You could even do a brunch or lunch buffet if you got married in the morning. Take them out for burgers, anything. With only ~8 extra people, you're looking at like $100. In the grand scheme of life, it's worth it to put $100 into this.

  • LMc0322 said:

    Let me preface this by saying it's not an attack on anyone, yadda yadda yadda.

    But I've always been genuinely curious.  The "we wish they could be there, but can't afford to host them, so we're going to Vegas/eloping to the Caribbean/etc." never made sense to me.  If someone can't afford to host a $50 dinner, how can they afford to fly to Vegas, stay at a hotel, etc.?  Maybe this is a stupid question, but I honestly don't get it.

    I think this is a valid question.  It really doesn't make sense to me that people want to have big "celebrations" with friends and family that they don't want to invite to the underlying occasion, whether for cost or really, any reason outside of a Mormon temple sealing where non-Mormons and those without temple recommends aren't allowed to attend.
  • I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?
    Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.
    Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family.
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