Elopement then family ceremony that includes our children

PackersJen

Hello!
I'm Jen and a newbie so please be kind. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years and are finally in the process of starting the wedding planning after being engaged for over a year. It is not either of our first marriages and each have kids with our previous spouses. We would like to elope to a location near where we had our first date for some private, intimate time to call our own and possibly make a weekend get away out of it this fall, then have a family ceremony that includes our children and loved ones at some point in the months to follow. (At this writing, his youngest son is giving me away, his daughter my Maid of Honor, my son is 'calling' Best Man, and one of our dear friends is going to 'Officiate' it all. We are still figuring out the rest. LOL) We feel that our marriage is not only the combining of our individual lives, but those of our children as well so want to honor both. 

That said...... Suggestions? Tips? Great sites for ideas? Budget tips? 

Thanks!! 

manateehugger

PackersJen said:

Hello!
I'm Jen and a newbie so please be kind. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years and are finally in the process of starting the wedding planning after being engaged for over a year. It is not either of our first marriages and each have kids with our previous spouses. We would like to elope to a location near where we had our first date for some private, intimate time to call our own and possibly make a weekend get away out of it this fall, then have a family ceremony that includes our children and loved ones at some point in the months to follow. (At this writing, his youngest son is giving me away, his daughter my Maid of Honor, my son is 'calling' Best Man, and one of our dear friends is going to 'Officiate' it all. We are still figuring out the rest. LOL) We feel that our marriage is not only the combining of our individual lives, but those of our children as well so want to honor both. 

That said...... Suggestions? Tips? Great sites for ideas? Budget tips? 

Thanks!! 

Can I ask why you need to elope and then have a faux ceremony?

NYCBruin

Congrats on your engagement!  I'm a little confused as to why you want to elope and have a family ceremony.  You are would only be getting married on one of those days and the other day will be a fake re-enactment.  A private elopement would be a lovely option, but you since you can only get married on one of these days, I think in your situation, actually getting married at your family ceremony makes more sense.  It sounds like your and FI's children are excited to be involved in the wedding, so you should involve them in your wedding (the day you actually get married!)  

I think the way you have things planned for the family ceremony sounds lovely if you make that your actual wedding.  Having your children be your attendants is a great idea.  Depending on the ages of your children, you could also have one or two of them be a reader if that's something they are comfortable with.

manateehugger

I like NYCBruin's suggestion of doing a private ceremony with just your children and immediate families and then have a larger reception all on the same day. 

Simply Fated

PackersJen said:

Hello!
I'm Jen and a newbie so please be kind. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years and are finally in the process of starting the wedding planning after being engaged for over a year. It is not either of our first marriages and each have kids with our previous spouses. We would like to elope to a location near where we had our first date for some private, intimate time to call our own and possibly make a weekend get away out of it this fall, then have a family ceremony that includes our children and loved ones at some point in the months to follow. (At this writing, his youngest son is giving me away, his daughter my Maid of Honor, my son is 'calling' Best Man, and one of our dear friends is going to 'Officiate' it all. We are still figuring out the rest. LOL) We feel that our marriage is not only the combining of our individual lives, but those of our children as well so want to honor both. 

That said...... Suggestions? Tips? Great sites for ideas? Budget tips? 

Thanks!! 

If you want to include your children in your wedding, then include them in the wedding. Don't include them in the wedding reenactment later on.
My advice is to have one ceremony and to make it the ceremony you want.

PackersJen

Why is the idea of our actually getting married and doing a 'commitment' (for lack of a better phrase) ceremony with our children at a later date such a big deal? They are actually two different ceremonies. One to marry he and I to each other, and another to commit ourselves and our family to one another. All but one of our children are adults, the youngest being 13 and all of them understand and are supportive as to why we wish to have a private, romantic moment to ourselves and are excited to be a part of helping us to plan a family ceremony. We think it is kind of the best of both worlds. So why the negativity? 

manateehugger

PackersJen said:

Why is the idea of our actually getting married and doing a 'commitment' (for lack of a better phrase) ceremony with our children at a later date such a big deal? They are actually two different ceremonies. One to marry he and I to each other, and another to commit ourselves and our family to one another. All but one of our children are adults, the youngest being 13 and all of them understand and are supportive as to why we wish to have a private, romantic moment to ourselves and are excited to be a part of helping us to plan a family ceremony. We think it is kind of the best of both worlds. So why the negativity? 

So wait - are you hoping to have kids say vows or something similar? 

I guess I don't understand the need to have two "commitment ceremonies." Your children can't marry into your relationship. Are you planning on dressing up, doing the wedding party, and big to-do for the second ceremony?

NYCBruin

PackersJen said:

Why is the idea of our actually getting married and doing a 'commitment' (for lack of a better phrase) ceremony with our children at a later date such a big deal? They are actually two different ceremonies. One to marry he and I to each other, and another to commit ourselves and our family to one another. All but one of our children are adults, the youngest being 13 and all of them understand and are supportive as to why we wish to have a private, romantic moment to ourselves and are excited to be a part of helping us to plan a family ceremony. We think it is kind of the best of both worlds. So why the negativity? 

Planning two ceremonies is looked upon very negatively on these boards.  Do a search for PPD and you'll see what I mean.  It's seen as very tacky and rude to hold two ceremonies for a variety of reasons, one being that it sends the message that your actual wedding (the day you get married) isn't "real."  That's insulting to couples who chose to elope as their very real ceremony.

In your case specifically, it really doesn't make sense to me.  You aren't separately committing to your FI and his family.  Your commitments to both him and his family are intertwined with each other.  You wouldn't have a ceremony to commit to each other's families unless you were married.  The two really aren't separate, they should be reflected in one ceremony.  

If you want to have a private moment with just the two of you, you can exchange letters the morning before your wedding.  You can also have a private weekend getaway after your wedding with just the two of you.

Simply Fated

PackersJen said:

Why is the idea of our actually getting married and doing a 'commitment' (for lack of a better phrase) ceremony with our children at a later date such a big deal? They are actually two different ceremonies. One to marry he and I to each other, and another to commit ourselves and our family to one another. All but one of our children are adults, the youngest being 13 and all of them understand and are supportive as to why we wish to have a private, romantic moment to ourselves and are excited to be a part of helping us to plan a family ceremony. We think it is kind of the best of both worlds. So why the negativity? 

None of us are trying to be negative. I think we just don't understand why you want to do what you're planning.
I'm not sure what answer you're looking for or what it is you need help with.

Commitment ceremonies are usually for people who legally can't get married or even can't for religious reasons. You can legally get married and you didn't mention any religious issues, so I'm guessing there are none. Anyway, at that wedding ceremony you'll be committing to each other, no? So the commitment ceremony just seems so redundant.

PackersJen

Neither of our children's other parents have been active in any of their lives basically since birth. We are all incredibly close. It was actually their idea that we do a 'family' ceremony. Which we are honored by. And to honor that, we are planning to figure out a way to do just that. But we also want a moment that is simply for he and I, as a couple. Hence, why we plan to elope. We are wanting to meet the needs of us as a romantic couple, as well as a family. Perhaps in many respects it will be a 're-enactment' of the elopement, but if it is important and valuable to us, to our children, then why is it being questioned? 

NYCBruin

PackersJen said: Neither of our children's other parents have been active in any of their lives basically since birth. We are all incredibly close. It was actually their idea that we do a 'family' ceremony. Which we are honored by. And to honor that, we are planning to figure out a way to do just that. But we also want a moment that is simply for he and I, as a couple. Hence, why we plan to elope. We are wanting to meet the needs of us as a romantic couple, as well as a family. Perhaps in many respects it will be a 're-enactment' of the elopement, but if it is important and valuable to us, to our children, then why is it being questioned? 


If the only people in attendance at this family ceremony will be your children, then I will go out on a limb and say go for it.

However, if you are planning on having any other guests, I would highly advise against doing this for the reasons PPs and I  have stated.  Your more extended friends and family will probably not tell you something is tacky to your face because they don't want to hurt your feelings, but I can't tell you the number of posters who come on this site complaining about how ridiculous they find these types of ceremonies (and they never say a word to the couple).

ETA quote function is acting wonky.

ETAx2 I also want to add that I think having the two ceremonies sorta cheapens the "specialness" of both.  It's like saying neither the elopement nor the family ceremony is good enough.

PackersJen

Then perhaps this isn't the place for me. I don't believe either 'cheapens' the other or reduces the meaning of either. I think they show that we value both our partnership as a couple as well as ours as a family in very special ways. Is something we have talked about with our kids and with friends for months and we have had had nothing but love, support and kindness. And I know my friends well enough to know that they will call BS if they see BS. I wish you all the very best of luck in your unions. 

QueerFemme

PackersJen said:

Then perhaps this isn't the place for me. I don't believe either 'cheapens' the other or reduces the meaning of either. I think they show that we value both our partnership as a couple as well as ours as a family in very special ways. Is something we have talked about with our kids and with friends for months and we have had had nothing but love, support and kindness. And I know my friends well enough to know that they will call BS if they see BS. I wish you all the very best of luck in your unions. 

Your wedding day is when you get married. If you want to elope, fabulous.. have a kickass party when you return. If you want to have a wedding with your family included, don't elope. You can certainly take a pre wedding vacation together and enjoy that private time together.

PPDs are tacky, and the fake re-do cheapens your wedding. You get one wedding. Unless you get divorced in between the two, the second is nothing more than a theatre performance. Guests attend to witness your marriage. Not to witness a fake do-over.

PackersJen

Who the hell are any of you to judge what is important and meaningful to me, my fiance and our family?! Or anyone else's for that matter?! I came here for camaraderie and ideas and have gotten nothing but run ins with Bridezillas!! I will look elsewhere for fellow brides who are at least willing to get to know me before judging me. Account is being deleted as soon as possible. 

[Deleted User]

]

zitiqueen

PackersJen said:

Who the hell are any of you to judge what is important and meaningful to me, my fiance and our family?! Or anyone else's for that matter?! I came here for camaraderie and ideas and have gotten nothing but run ins with Bridezillas!! I will look elsewhere for fellow brides who are at least willing to get to know me before judging me. Account is being deleted as soon as possible. 

You'll look elsewhere for other brides who will pat you on the head and validate your awful ideas? I suggest Wedding Wire.

NYCBruin

PackersJen said:

Who the hell are any of you to judge what is important and meaningful to me, my fiance and our family?! Or anyone else's for that matter?! I came here for camaraderie and ideas and have gotten nothing but run ins with Bridezillas!! I will look elsewhere for fellow brides who are at least willing to get to know me before judging me. Account is being deleted as soon as possible. 

Yes, the people expressing the concerns that your guests won't tell you to your face are the Bridezillas.  It's definitely not the poster whose only defense to our constructive criticism is "But I want to!  It's my day!  It's all about what I want.  Why isn't everyone telling me that I'm awesome?  I'm awesome, tell me that!"

PackersJen

First of all, I owe an apology for my reaction and name calling. I'm sorry. I was extremely surprised and hurt by everyone's reactions on something that is very meaningful to my fiance, our family and I and reacted from anger without thinking first. That was wrong of me.

Secondly, I still don't understand why the thought is so foreign and seen as such a negative. Why is it because one is a legally binding ceremony and the other is not, is it seen as a bad thing? Could someone, politely, explain this to me? 

And finally. don't assume that we are doing this so as to make me a Pretty Princess for more than a day. To make this all about me playing dress up. If you took a moment to know me, you'd learn that at one point I thought it would be fun to be married on the 50 yard line at Lambeau Field in full Packer gear, and have seriously looked into a motorcycle helmet with a veil to wear as my new hubby and I drive off into the sunset on our Harley. And you would know that my friends are true enough to tell me the truth if they felt this was an off the wall idea. But they know my fiance and I well enough to know each of us, our relationship and our family to know how meaningful this is to both of us. And are supportive. But nobody, except one person who felt the need to email me privately vs invoke the wrath I have received, took the time to get to know me, our ideas or feelings before judging. 

ShesSoCold

PackersJen said:

First of all, I owe an apology for my reaction and name calling. I'm sorry. I was extremely surprised and hurt by everyone's reactions on something that is very meaningful to my fiance, our family and I and reacted from anger without thinking first. That was wrong of me.

Secondly, I still don't understand why the thought is so foreign and seen as such a negative. Why is it because one is a legally binding ceremony and the other is not, is it seen as a bad thing? Could someone, politely, explain this to me? 

And finally. don't assume that we are doing this so as to make me a Pretty Princess for more than a day. To make this all about me playing dress up. If you took a moment to know me, you'd learn that at one point I thought it would be fun to be married on the 50 yard line at Lambeau Field in full Packer gear, and have seriously looked into a motorcycle helmet with a veil to wear as my new hubby and I drive off into the sunset on our Harley. And you would know that my friends are true enough to tell me the truth if they felt this was an off the wall idea. But they know my fiance and I well enough to know each of us, our relationship and our family to know how meaningful this is to both of us. And are supportive. But nobody, except one person who felt the need to email me privately vs invoke the wrath I have received, took the time to get to know me, our ideas or feelings before judging. 

To the bolded, how are these things NOT about bringing attention to yourself? Also, as a raging Bears fan, the first is a TERRIBLE idea.

You have received such negative responses because (besides your crazy defensiveness) a fake ceremony looks ridiculous to most people who are not involved. I think most people would agree that your commitment to the family your and your fiance will become is a wonderful thing - but there's no need to shove it down people's throats. A marriage is between two people - you and your fiance. Children, no matter how old, should not be involved in a wedding ceremony. Write your step-kids a letter telling them how much they mean to you and how you'll support them and give it to them at your wedding. There's ways to let the kids know that they are accepted in your marriage without involving them in the ceremony.

PackersJen

Who said anything about getting married on the 50 yard line having to be during a game or when anyone else was in attendance? And how is having a veil attached to my helmet any more attention getting than riding off in a car with tissue paper flowers, Just Married painted on the windows and cans tied to the back?? They are simply fun ideas. And if we, as brides, didn't want at least a little attention on ourselves, our union, why are so many weddings/ dresses/ receptions/ etc completely over the top, over priced and become such a HUGE industry? It's not a bad thing to want to celebrate our big days in a way that expresses our personalities, our relationship, our lifestyles. 

As for the rest, thank you for your opinion. 

manateehugger

PackersJen said:

Neither of our children's other parents have been active in any of their lives basically since birth. We are all incredibly close. It was actually their idea that we do a 'family' ceremony. Which we are honored by. And to honor that, we are planning to figure out a way to do just that. But we also want a moment that is simply for he and I, as a couple. Hence, why we plan to elope. We are wanting to meet the needs of us as a romantic couple, as well as a family. Perhaps in many respects it will be a 're-enactment' of the elopement, but if it is important and valuable to us, to our children, then why is it being questioned? 

Ah and here we get to the root of the issue. It sounds like you'd like to parade around as a bride while already being a wife. It sounds like you're more interested in the show of a wedding than the meaning of a wedding. I'm not necessarily saying that's true - I'm just saying that's totally what it sounds like here.

A white dress and veil do not make you married. They do make you look silly when you don them as a married person.

And what exactly does your family ceremony entail? You never explained before you yelled at us and ran off.

NYCBruin

PackersJen said:

First of all, I owe an apology for my reaction and name calling. I'm sorry. I was extremely surprised and hurt by everyone's reactions on something that is very meaningful to my fiance, our family and I and reacted from anger without thinking first. That was wrong of me.

Secondly, I still don't understand why the thought is so foreign and seen as such a negative. Why is it because one is a legally binding ceremony and the other is not, is it seen as a bad thing? Could someone, politely, explain this to me? 

And finally. don't assume that we are doing this so as to make me a Pretty Princess for more than a day. To make this all about me playing dress up. If you took a moment to know me, you'd learn that at one point I thought it would be fun to be married on the 50 yard line at Lambeau Field in full Packer gear, and have seriously looked into a motorcycle helmet with a veil to wear as my new hubby and I drive off into the sunset on our Harley. And you would know that my friends are true enough to tell me the truth if they felt this was an off the wall idea. But they know my fiance and I well enough to know each of us, our relationship and our family to know how meaningful this is to both of us. And are supportive. But nobody, except one person who felt the need to email me privately vs invoke the wrath I have received, took the time to get to know me, our ideas or feelings before judging. 

Thanks for apologizing.  

Lia covered why the two ceremony thing goes over poorly.  I'd also like to add that marriage is about making compromises.  Your wedding should reflect that.  FI really wanted a big wedding reception with a sit-down dinner, I would have loved to have gotten married on the beach and followed this with a beach BBQ, my parents would have loved for us to have a destination wedding, his parents would have loved for us to get married in their church followed by a reception at their club.  We had to decide what was best for US and plan ONE wedding accordingly.  We aren't having four different weddings because there were four different things people wanted.  We had to decide for us what was most important to us and come up with a wedding that reflects this.

It sounds like you have two things you're looking for: a private moment with your fiance and a ceremony that includes your family.  You have to either decide which is more important to you or figure out a way to incorporate elements of both.  PPs have given you good suggestions on how to have a ceremony with your entire families but include some private time for you and FI.

ETA I also want to point out that we don't know you.  We only can go off of what you tell us.  If you aren't giving us all the information, it isn't really fair to get mad at US for not knowing things you didn't share.

PackersJen

PackersJen said:

Hello!
I'm Jen and a newbie so please be kind. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years and are finally in the process of starting the wedding planning after being engaged for over a year. It is not either of our first marriages and each have kids with our previous spouses. We would like to elope to a location near where we had our first date for some private, intimate time to call our own and possibly make a weekend get away out of it this fall, then have a family ceremony that includes our children and loved ones at some point in the months to follow. (At this writing, his youngest son is giving me away, his daughter my Maid of Honor, my son is 'calling' Best Man, and one of our dear friends is going to 'Officiate' it all. We are still figuring out the rest. LOL) We feel that our marriage is not only the combining of our individual lives, but those of our children as well so want to honor both. 

That said...... Suggestions? Tips? Great sites for ideas? Budget tips? 

Thanks!! 

PackersJen said:

Neither of our children's other parents have been active in any of their lives basically since birth. We are all incredibly close. It was actually their idea that we do a 'family' ceremony. Which we are honored by. And to honor that, we are planning to figure out a way to do just that. But we also want a moment that is simply for he and I, as a couple. Hence, why we plan to elope. We are wanting to meet the needs of us as a romantic couple, as well as a family. Perhaps in many respects it will be a 're-enactment' of the elopement, but if it is important and valuable to us, to our children, then why is it being questioned? 

As stated in both of these posts, we don't have specific plans beyond what is mentioned on how to go about the kids rolls in what we are calling a 'family ceremony'. They will not be reciting vows or any other such activities. We simply want to 'renew' our vows to each other in front of our children and include them in part of the ceremony. As well as party and celebrate with them, and our loved ones. But is also important to he and I that we have a private ceremony between us. With as large a family as we have, and with as crazy as our life tends to be, we want the time to be able to reflect and enjoy that moment alone as a couple. Hopefully this helps to explain or clear up any misconceptions. 

PackersJen

I believe you misunderstood. Or perhaps I am not understanding your question. The only 'loved one' outside of our children, who will participate in the 'family ceremony' will be a close mutual friend who is going to be the 'officiant' and 'runner of the show'. We will invite additional friends, family, etc to join us in celebrating the event and party after. But only the kids, the 1 friend, my then Hubby and I would participate in the actual 'ceremony' portion. When we elope, it will just be the fiance, myself and an officiant at the place of our first date. Have I answered your question? 

PackersJen

We will be having guests to the 'family' ceremony and holding a reception/ party immediately following on the same day. The only 'private adult' event will be when my fiance and I officially get married when we elope. Not exactly sure why this is so hard to understand. Best of luck to you as well! 

manateehugger

In your original post you said "children and all our loved ones" will be witnessing the second ceremony - that didn't translate to me as us, our kids, and an officiant.

PackersJen said:

We will be having guests to the 'family' ceremony and holding a reception/ party immediately following on the same day. The only 'private adult' event will be when my fiance and I officially get married when we elope. Not exactly sure why this is so hard to understand. Best of luck to you as well! 

[Deleted User]

WTF is the flag for.  COME ON. @KnotPorscha

 

Here I cooome to save the daaaaay from bad flagging:

KDM323

PackersJen said:

show previous quotes

PackersJen said:

Hello!
I'm Jen and a newbie so please be kind. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years and are finally in the process of starting the wedding planning after being engaged for over a year. It is not either of our first marriages and each have kids with our previous spouses. We would like to elope to a location near where we had our first date for some private, intimate time to call our own and possibly make a weekend get away out of it this fall, then have a family ceremony that includes our children and loved ones at some point in the months to follow. (At this writing, his youngest son is giving me away, his daughter my Maid of Honor, my son is 'calling' Best Man, and one of our dear friends is going to 'Officiate' it all. We are still figuring out the rest. LOL) We feel that our marriage is not only the combining of our individual lives, but those of our children as well so want to honor both. 

That said...... Suggestions? Tips? Great sites for ideas? Budget tips? 

Thanks!! 

show previous quotes

PackersJen said:

Neither of our children's other parents have been active in any of their lives basically since birth. We are all incredibly close. It was actually their idea that we do a 'family' ceremony. Which we are honored by. And to honor that, we are planning to figure out a way to do just that. But we also want a moment that is simply for he and I, as a couple. Hence, why we plan to elope. We are wanting to meet the needs of us as a romantic couple, as well as a family. Perhaps in many respects it will be a 're-enactment' of the elopement, but if it is important and valuable to us, to our children, then why is it being questioned? 

As stated in both of these posts, we don't have specific plans beyond what is mentioned on how to go about the kids rolls in what we are calling a 'family ceremony'. They will not be reciting vows or any other such activities. We simply want to 'renew' our vows to each other in front of our children and include them in part of the ceremony. As well as party and celebrate with them, and our loved ones. But is also important to he and I that we have a private ceremony between us. With as large a family as we have, and with as crazy as our life tends to be, we want the time to be able to reflect and enjoy that moment alone as a couple. Hopefully this helps to explain or clear up any misconceptions. 

Why not just have a small wedding with your closest friends and family rather than inviting your large, extended family if you don't want to have a big to-do with your entire large, extended family?

Nothing says you have to have a "big" wedding with hundreds of people there.  Host your nearest and dearest to watch you exchange your wedding vows...don't go making a big production out of it if that isn't what you want.

[Deleted User]

@LMc0332 Thank you for letting me know! I will reach out to the user.

NYCBruin

If you insist on doing two ceremonies, why not have your family ceremony first?  That way your family gets to see you get married.  You can later have a personal ceremony with just you and FI.  If you don't want to have the elopement second, I'm guessing it will be because you realize that the second ceremony will be fake.  If you realize that, then try to realize your family doesn't want to see a fake ceremony.

[Deleted User]

KnotPorscha said:

@LMc0332 Thank you for letting me know! I will reach out to the user.

Like lightning! Thanks, KP!!