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Help Dealing With Future Sister In Law's Assumptions

My fiancé’s brother was married last year.  His brother’s new wife got pregnant shortly after.  My fiancé and I got engaged in February when she was 8 months pregnant, with a girl.  We announced to our families that we were engaged.  When asked details, we said we were thinking some time next summer, outside in the garden.  My future sister-in-law texted me and said (while still pregnant) “Congrats! I know my daughter will look beautiful when she goes down the isle as your flower girl!”  I was taken aback at how she just assumed her future daughter would be our flower girl.  I handled it by texting her back “Thanks! We are very excited about our wedding!”  My fiancé was really upset that she would say that to me and that she would put me in such an uncomfortable and unnecessary position.  The baby was born and a few months later at a family reunion of my fiancé’s family, she again brought it up by asking what we would like her daughter to wear in the wedding.  Her entire world is her baby.  Her baby is all she talks about when I converse with her and it’s difficult to get a word in edgewise about anything else.  How do I nicely tell her we won’t be having a flower girl (or any child attendants)?

Re: Help Dealing With Future Sister In Law's Assumptions

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    So... her baby will only be a little over a year, yes?  How does a toddler like that be a flower girl?  Seems like someone would be carrying her down the aisle.

    You're just going to have to be straight up.  Next time she brings it up, tell her that you and FI are not having a flower girl.  Then talk about how cute her baby is.  It's much easier since you're not having one at all (It'd be much worse to have to tell her you picked another kid).

    And make sure FI backs you up and tells his brother if necessary.  It's his family.  

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    "I'm sure she would look darling in xyz that you've picked, but we aren't having children in our wedding party. She'll make a cute guest, I'll make sure to get a photo with her! Now, how is aunt Mildred?"

    Deny and deflect.

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    monkeysip said:
    So... her baby will only be a little over a year, yes?  How does a toddler like that be a flower girl?  Seems like someone would be carrying her down the aisle.

    You're just going to have to be straight up.  Next time she brings it up, tell her that you and FI are not having a flower girl.  Then talk about how cute her baby is.  It's much easier since you're not having one at all (It'd be much worse to have to tell her you picked another kid).

    And make sure FI backs you up and tells his brother if necessary.  It's his family.  
    I know right?  I didn't want to say that to her but how can she think her infant can walk down an isle in a floor length gown, holding a basket of flowers when the baby will barely be able to pull herself up into a standing position?  I don't know her very well but the times I have spent with her, I have noticed she always has to have everyone's attention on her and she needs to be the focus of every conversation.  It's sad to watch because I honestly don't think she even realizes that she does it or how inappropriate it is to turn every conversation into one about her or her baby :(

    Great advice on how to say it.  Thank you!

    Yeah my fiance already told his brother and his brother is cool with it and actually said Penny (baby) would be too young to be a part of the wedding anyway.  Now if he could just tell his wife...
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    I will have a 10 month old at my sisters wedding next year. When I told her I was expecting, she was "yay! Another flower girl!" 
    Total opposite of your situation, but I am also a wee bit like, well what is she/he supposed to do? If I bring my kid, I'll dress him/her up cute, and leave it at that?
    I just couldn't imagine putting the stress on people, or on myself, with having to deal with the logistics of a baby in that situation.

    Would it be possible, if it was in your budget, to find a cute dress in the same colour as the bridesmaids? And a cute flower headband? I mean, realistically that is all that would be involved anyway, and you may prevent a lot of hurt feelings. But that is just what I would do, because I am a chicken at standing up to people.

    If you are brave, I would just tell her we are not having kids in the wedding. I still wouldn't be able to not add, "but the bridesmaids are yellow, and it would be soo cute if you could put little Snowflake in a yellow dress to match" but again, that is just me.
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    Ditto PPs. Just tell her you aren't having a flower girl and then change the subject. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Tell her, "We've found that unfortunately, it isn't possible for us to have children at our wedding.  I'm sorry, but we won't be having any flower girls."
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    That is so bizarre. Say you're not having one. Especially one that you don't even know how well she'll walk by then. Geeze. 
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    I wouldn't let it continue on any longer, the next time she bring it up just say you aren't having any children attendants.

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    To "soften the blow", I would inform her in a very casual way that you don't want any child attendants, but say that you want to get a "special photo" with niece at the wedding, and offer suggestions on dress styles/colors, like, "I love those little headbands with the flowers!" or "My wedding colors are purple and grey... she would look so cute in purple!" or something like that. 

    I feel like a future SIL is someone that I want to be sure to preserve a good relationship with, so I would be careful/gentle with how I worded my denial. 
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    To "soften the blow", I would inform her in a very casual way that you don't want any child attendants, but say that you want to get a "special photo" with niece at the wedding, and offer suggestions on dress styles/colors, like, "I love those little headbands with the flowers!" or "My wedding colors are purple and grey... she would look so cute in purple!" or something like that. 

    I feel like a future SIL is someone that I want to be sure to preserve a good relationship with, so I would be careful/gentle with how I worded my denial. 
    If there aren't going to be any children at the wedding, this isn't a possibility.

    Still, if at some point before the wedding, you could have a photo session with her daughter dressed up or some other special treat without actually inviting her to the wedding, that might be a good compromise.
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    WeeshWeesh member
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    I agree with the PP's.  The sooner she knows, the better.  It sounds like your fiance has already made it clear to his brother, so the next time she mentions it to you, just let her know that you don't plan on having any children and change the subject.

    My fiance has 11 nieces and nephews.  I don't have any, but I do have two second cousins--one will be 17 by the time of the wedding, and one will be 13.  After we got engaged, their father (my first cousin) said to my mother that "his children better be in the wedding"  Apparently, my sister and I being in his wedding (over 20 years ago as kids) means that we have to have his kids in ours.  We have our wedding party chosen, and we've chosen no children also.  My mom has mentioned it to him a few times, but I haven't spoken to him yet.  I'm hoping that my mom's words have helped, but if he asks, I'm going to tell him the same thing. 
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    Were we rude to you here? (Trying to search for evidence of rudeness)
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    @MuppetOverlord - I was going to ask the same thing!
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    We're nasty nay-sayers. Obviously.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    @Chan245 I could just have about written this exact post (same age niece too!)...so I feel your pain here. In my case there are going to be 20 guests and no children at all, so not only is [niece] not going to be in the WP (we are not having attendants), she is not invited. I tried to be gentle/deflecting but ultimately have turned this over to my fiance to handle directly with his sister.
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    One of my besties was crazy about her kids coming to our wedding. You just have to (nicely) firmly plant that foot and let her know there won't be kids, or you don't plan to have child attendants. No worries, she'll get over it.
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    Chan245 said:
    I know right?  I didn't want to say that to her but how can she think her infant can walk down an isle in a floor length gown, holding a basket of flowers when the baby will barely be able to pull herself up into a standing position?  I don't know her very well but the times I have spent with her, I have noticed she always has to have everyone's attention on her and she needs to be the focus of every conversation.  It's sad to watch because I honestly don't think she even realizes that she does it or how inappropriate it is to turn every conversation into one about her or her baby :(

    Great advice on how to say it.  Thank you!

    Yeah my fiance already told his brother and his brother is cool with it and actually said Penny (baby) would be too young to be a part of the wedding anyway.  Now if he could just tell his wife...
    Bolded part - sounds exactly like my cousin's wife.....
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