Problematic Wedding Guest

kerbohl

Wow, you made a grown man cry . . . hopefully that's the slap he needed to stop acting like a complete jerk and using you and your FI.  I really hope for your sake, OP, that he starts to take responsibility for his actions and start appreciating and respecting the people around him.

And I also agree with the fact that serving beer or wine will not prevent anyone from getting drunk, regardless of whether it is their alcohol of choice.  Some wines have very high alcohol percentages.  So does mead, delicious delicious mead (it's close enough to beer).  I think pointing this guy out to the bartender to cut him off when he has had enough is a good idea.   

MayDay513

We had one alcoholic at our wedding. Our catering staff (bartenders) and DOC were informed that he may be a problem if he drinks too much. He didn't, he had a great time.

Dreamergirl8812

I didn't mean that not serving liquor would prevent anyone from getting drunk (that's why I didn't say or imply that).

But in my friend's case it did the trick. This particular girl doesn't pound beers, but give her some cocktails and she's psycho.

LinnieG

There have been a handful incidents that we all thought would be the "slap in the face" needed to get him to really stop drinking; so far, nothing seems to have stuck, but I gave up being optimistic a long time ago. Right now, I'm just going to focus on saving up enough money to move out. Hopefully we can be out of there by October, and hopefully we won't have anymore incidents. 

Right now, I'm considering having a cash bar instead of an open bar; the fact that he would be paying for his own drinks might dissuade him from overdoing it, especially because he's out of work at the moment (though the wedding's over a year away; he could potentially get a job by then).

LinnieG

Dreamergirl8812 said:

I didn't mean that not serving liquor would prevent anyone from getting drunk (that's why I didn't say or imply that).

But in my friend's case it did the trick. This particular girl doesn't pound beers, but give her some cocktails and she's psycho.

I totally get it. By denying her her beverage of choice, you essentially prevented her from getting smashed. I might consider that, though this guy's particular poison is wine...any kind of wine, he's not that picky.

Jen4948

LinnieG said:

There have been a handful incidents that we all thought would be the "slap in the face" needed to get him to really stop drinking; so far, nothing seems to have stuck, but I gave up being optimistic a long time ago. Right now, I'm just going to focus on saving up enough money to move out. Hopefully we can be out of there by October, and hopefully we won't have anymore incidents. 

Right now, I'm considering having a cash bar instead of an open bar; the fact that he would be paying for his own drinks might dissuade him from overdoing it, especially because he's out of work at the moment (though the wedding's over a year away; he could potentially get a job by then).

Don't do this-it's rude to guests, even ones with drinking problems, to make them pay for their own drinks, and it will do nothing to dissuade serious drinkers from indulging in alcohol.  If you really don't want him to drink at your wedding, keep it dry.

banana468

If cash bars prevented over indulging then everyone in bars would be sober.

AJuliaNJ

LinnieG said:

There have been a handful incidents that we all thought would be the "slap in the face" needed to get him to really stop drinking; so far, nothing seems to have stuck, but I gave up being optimistic a long time ago. Right now, I'm just going to focus on saving up enough money to move out. Hopefully we can be out of there by October, and hopefully we won't have anymore incidents. 

Right now, I'm considering having a cash bar instead of an open bar; the fact that he would be paying for his own drinks might dissuade him from overdoing it, especially because he's out of work at the moment (though the wedding's over a year away; he could potentially get a job by then).

I wouldn't do that. It's not fair to your other guests, and won't necessarily dissuade him. When you're short on money, it's not hard to get people to buy you drinks (next round's on me! and then disappear).  Also, some people "magically" have money when there's something they really want even though they're "broke" the rest of the time. If he's an alcoholic, he'll find a way to get alcohol if it's there.

Your best bet is to ignore him the best you can and alert your father, a friend, or a venue coordinator that he is to be escorted out if he does anything offensive or gets violent. He might even behave being that he's in a formal setting. I had several alcoholics at my wedding and 0 incidents.

NYCBruin

LinnieG said:

There have been a handful incidents that we all thought would be the "slap in the face" needed to get him to really stop drinking; so far, nothing seems to have stuck, but I gave up being optimistic a long time ago. Right now, I'm just going to focus on saving up enough money to move out. Hopefully we can be out of there by October, and hopefully we won't have anymore incidents. 

Right now, I'm considering having a cash bar instead of an open bar; the fact that he would be paying for his own drinks might dissuade him from overdoing it, especially because he's out of work at the moment (though the wedding's over a year away; he could potentially get a job by then).

Since his lack of money isn't stopping him from being drunk now, why do you think it would stop him at your wedding?

Cash bars don't stop people from getting drunk.  They do point out that the couple is rude.

If you really don't want people getting drunk at your wedding, have a dry wedding.  But if you're providing alcohol, you need to pay for it.

Wigglesx2

I think your big worry is about taking care of him at the wedding. No one is going to expect the bride to take care of him. Ask a friend to keep on eye on him for you and call a cab if he needs it. I'm sure if he starts anything someone will ask him to leave. Depending on your state- do you have to have a police officer if there if alcohol served? I know in KY you do so maybe that will ease your worries as well. One of my FH's groomsmen gets really drunk and becomes vulgar towards women and racist. I ask FH to tell the groomsmen to watch himself at the wedding but FH says he can say and do what he wants. It's a party and he's free to drink and say whatever. I've leaving it to my bridesmaids to handle themselves against him (they are very strong girls and will be warned!) and their husbands and my dad will remove him if he gets out of hand.

mnwatson1

The best thing you can do for this guy, is what PPs have said: let him fall flat on his face, and hold him accountable for his actions, which means not babysitting him/cleaning up after him.  Getting on to him and complaining to him about his problem only convinces him that YOU have a problem, not him.  This is a typical addict's mentality, and is why people will tell you that an addict will only truly get help when THEY are ready, and if they are forced into it, they will likely relapse.  The more you and FH continue to complain, the more resistant he is going to be to even recognizing that he has a problem.  Taking care of him and cleaning up after him truly does only enable him.  You may not be buying the booze and putting it in his hand, but it takes away the accountability and the necessity to face his problems when he does something stupid due to his drunkenness.  The best thing that you and FH can do for this guy, is to let him deal with things himself, tell him you're there for him when he decides he's ready to admit he has a problem, and then wait.  This also requires getting your roommates to agree to do this as well, otherwise it will be pointless, as he will still have people enabling him.  Once he's being held accountable for his actions, you may see some quick changes.

elizabethriley

LinnieG said:

I need to apologize for my comments earlier.

I am genuinely sorry.

I'm under a lot of stress right now. We won't have the money to move out until October, and we can't really kick this guy out because - as of right now - he's still able to pay rent.

My fiance was - and still is - appalled by his friend's racist comments; it's especially upsetting because this guy used to work with ethnic minorities. 

He was bitching and moaning the other day about how he had broken his favorite wine glass (a gigantic goblet of a thing with his name printed on the side), and I really let him have it. I told him that it was his own damn fault he'd broken the thing, that his behavior is putting people in danger and causing potential property damage, etc. He started crying, and I just left. 

At this point, it isn't about the drinking binges, the broken glass, or the racist remarks. I hate this man and don't want this man anywhere near me. 

He knows that he's on thin ice as far as I'm concerned. I just don't think he'll change his behavior.

If you really can't stand this guy and don't want to be around him, why are you going to invite him to your wedding? It's a year away and you should be long free of him as a roommate by then, so the obvious answer would be to simply refuse to invite him and stop worrying about this.

And definitely don't have a cash bar, that's just rude (and would basically be punishing all of your responsible guests because of one guy who can't behavie like an adult).

AJuliaNJ

elizabethriley said:

LinnieG said:

I need to apologize for my comments earlier.

I am genuinely sorry.

I'm under a lot of stress right now. We won't have the money to move out until October, and we can't really kick this guy out because - as of right now - he's still able to pay rent.

My fiance was - and still is - appalled by his friend's racist comments; it's especially upsetting because this guy used to work with ethnic minorities. 

He was bitching and moaning the other day about how he had broken his favorite wine glass (a gigantic goblet of a thing with his name printed on the side), and I really let him have it. I told him that it was his own damn fault he'd broken the thing, that his behavior is putting people in danger and causing potential property damage, etc. He started crying, and I just left. 

At this point, it isn't about the drinking binges, the broken glass, or the racist remarks. I hate this man and don't want this man anywhere near me. 

He knows that he's on thin ice as far as I'm concerned. I just don't think he'll change his behavior.

If you really can't stand this guy and don't want to be around him, why are you going to invite him to your wedding? It's a year away and you should be long free of him as a roommate by then, so the obvious answer would be to simply refuse to invite him and stop worrying about this.

And definitely don't have a cash bar, that's just rude (and would basically be punishing all of your responsible guests because of one guy who can't behavie like an adult).

She has to invite him because her fiance wants to invite him and it's his wedding, too. Not inviting this guy would be a friendship-ending move and it doesn't seem like he wants to end the friendship.

heidirs731

If you are that worried about it, you could just not serve alcohol at the wedding. We're going to have two alcoholics at our wedding and we are not having a bar for that exact reason. We are however having a champagne toast. Everyone gets one glass of champagne.

heidirs731

snippet17 said:

Do these two people never go to restaurants, picnics, or any other places that may have alcohol? I would think that these two individuals go to places that have alcohol and know how to handle it.

No. Hence the term "alcoholic." They can't handle it. 

tarratall said:

That is alcohol. Either it's dry or you are trusting the alcoholics to govern themselves.  

Everyone get's one glass, and that's it. Not many people can get drunk off of that.

PrettyGirlLost

I'm just reading through the entire thread now, but @heidirs731 to suggest to the OP that she have a dry wedding because of a single guest is an overreaction.

Bartenders are legally prohibited from serving visibly intoxicated patrons alcohol.  Most venues have security that will handle unruly guests, and if yours does not OP then you call the police.

heidirs731

PrettyGirlLost said:

I'm just reading through the entire thread now, but @heidirs731 to suggest to the OP that she have a dry wedding because of a single guest is an overreaction.

Bartenders are legally prohibited from serving visibly intoxicated patrons alcohol.  Most venues have security that will handle unruly guests, and if yours does not OP then you call the police.

Bartenders prohibited from serving intoxicated patrons alcohol and security being able to handle unruly guests is one thing, but I think it comes down to personal preference. I, for one, do not desire to have the memory of security handling an unruly guest or someone vomiting on the floor at my wedding. If the OP feels that's no big deal, then I agree that security and bartenders are adequate enough to handle the situation. But if it's a situation the OP would absolutely rather not have to experience at the wedding, then not having a bar is another option.

StageManager14 said:

Yeah,

heidirs731 said:

snippet17 said:

Do these two people never go to restaurants, picnics, or any other places that may have alcohol? I would think that these two individuals go to places that have alcohol and know how to handle it.

No. Hence the term "alcoholic." They can't handle it. 

1. Being an alcoholic does NOT mean "not being able to go to a restaurant where they sell alcohol".  Now, the two people you personally know might not be able to handle it, but "hence the term alcoholic" is pretty ignorant.  That's like saying "a bee sting will kill my sister, hence the term allergic".  Allergic doesn't tell you the severity or specificity of the person's individual condition, and neither does "alcoholic".

That was harsh of me. But the definition of "an alcoholic" is someone who cannot control themselves around alcohol. And with my specific individuals in mind and the one the OP has told about, it seems clear they would not be able to handle themselves with a bar.

You are correct that a single drink will send an alcoholic into relapse. The champagne toast is something we have discussed in length with our family and other persons involved. The two individuals we have will be able to handle themselves with the toast. A bar, they would not be able to. This is the best solution for us, and I wanted to offer it to the OP since it seemed a suggestion that had not been made. It might work for her, it might it not. I don't personally the know the person she is talking about. But I wanted to put the suggestion out there so she could at least consider it and then decide for herself whether or not it would be an effective solution.

lisabeats

heidirs731 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

I'm just reading through the entire thread now, but @heidirs731 to suggest to the OP that she have a dry wedding because of a single guest is an overreaction.

Bartenders are legally prohibited from serving visibly intoxicated patrons alcohol.  Most venues have security that will handle unruly guests, and if yours does not OP then you call the police.

Bartenders prohibited from serving intoxicated patrons alcohol and security being able to handle unruly guests is one thing, but I think it comes down to personal preference. I, for one, do not desire to have the memory of security handling an unruly guest or someone vomiting on the floor at my wedding. If the OP feels that's no big deal, then I agree that security and bartenders are adequate enough to handle the situation. But if it's a situation the OP would absolutely rather not have to experience at the wedding, then not having a bar is another option.

StageManager14 said:

Yeah,

heidirs731 said:

snippet17 said:

Do these two people never go to restaurants, picnics, or any other places that may have alcohol? I would think that these two individuals go to places that have alcohol and know how to handle it.

No. Hence the term "alcoholic." They can't handle it. 

1. Being an alcoholic does NOT mean "not being able to go to a restaurant where they sell alcohol".  Now, the two people you personally know might not be able to handle it, but "hence the term alcoholic" is pretty ignorant.  That's like saying "a bee sting will kill my sister, hence the term allergic".  Allergic doesn't tell you the severity or specificity of the person's individual condition, and neither does "alcoholic".

That was harsh of me. But the definition of "an alcoholic" is someone who cannot control themselves around alcohol. And with my specific individuals in mind and the one the OP has told about, it seems clear they would not be able to handle themselves with a bar.

You are correct that a single drink will send an alcoholic into relapse. The champagne toast is something we have discussed in length with our family and other persons involved. The two individuals we have will be able to handle themselves with the toast. A bar, they would not be able to. This is the best solution for us, and I wanted to offer it to the OP since it seemed a suggestion that had not been made. It might work for her, it might it not. I don't personally the know the person she is talking about. But I wanted to put the suggestion out there so she could at least consider it and then decide for herself whether or not it would be an effective solution.

There's nothing wrong with a dry wedding, and it is always an option for someone to consider. However the reasoning behind the decision for yours seems faulted. 

And alcoholism has very little to do with the need to get drunk vs. the need to drink, the need for one SIP of alcohol. So while that glass may not get them drunk should they choose to drink it, it will certainly cause an issue if they've been sober. A champagne offering would be just as tempting as an open bar, so that doesn't seem to make sense to me at all. 

heidirs731

As I said, the champagne toast has been discussed in length with the persons involved, and it will be fine for these specific individuals. It would not be fine for everyone. I do not wish to get into the details or argue my point. I'm not looking to highjack the thread. This is the about the specific situation with the OP, not mine. I was simply throwing out the idea of not serving alcohol at all. I probably shouldn't have even mentioned the champagne toast. 

mnwatson1

heidirs731 said:

That was harsh of me. But the definition of "an alcoholic" is someone who cannot control themselves around alcohol. And with my specific individuals in mind and the one the OP has told about, it seems clear they would not be able to handle themselves with a bar.

You are correct that a single drink will send an alcoholic into relapse. The champagne toast is something we have discussed in length with our family and other persons involved. The two individuals we have will be able to handle themselves with the toast. A bar, they would not be able to. This is the best solution for us, and I wanted to offer it to the OP since it seemed a suggestion that had not been made. It might work for her, it might it not. I don't personally the know the person she is talking about. But I wanted to put the suggestion out there so she could at least consider it and then decide for herself whether or not it would be an effective solution.

Actually, the definition of an alcoholic is a person who is addicted to alcohol, and actively partakes in drinking alcohol to feed said addiction.  A recovering alcoholic is someone who has chosen to abstain from alcohol in an ongoing attempt to overcome the addiction.

Honestly, if the alcoholics attending your wedding DO choose to drink at the champagne toast, you will likely find later that shortly thereafter they will leave, whether to contact their sponsor if they have one, or to find more alcohol.  If they choose to refuse the alcohol, they may even go so far as to leave after the toast, if they are as severely alcoholic as you are making them out to be. 

I completely understand where you're coming from with trying to shelter them from temptation at your wedding, I truly do.  However as an individual who has many family members who are alcoholics, as well as a grandfather who died of alcoholism, and as someone finishing her master's in counseling, I can definitely tell you that offering alcohol at your wedding or not will not be the deciding factor for these people IF they are recovering alcoholics. 

Edited, because I screwed up a couple of sentences.  ^^;;

moocowrobe1973

That has to be a frustrating living situation and a cause for a lot of stress on your big day. I would consider going to Al Anon meeting. It's a meeting for the friends and family of people who are affected by alcoholics, which you are. My experience has been there are many people who have faced similar situations and might have some insight into what to do.

LinnieG

I've discussed it with my fiance, and we are having an open bar. 

I don't want to tell him who he can and can't hang out with; he's been friends with this guy since they were in grammar school together. I've known this guy for about eight years, but the alcoholism didn't rear its ugly head until last January. It got progressively worse; last May he was fired because of it (he got hammered and then passed out and didn't go to work). My other roommates and I thought that this would be the "slap in the face" that would motivate him to get some help, but then he went out and joined the Wall Street Journal Wine Club.

He is actually moving out. He doesn't have enough money for rent, and is moving back in with his parents. We even have a guy lined up to take his place. I'm so relieved.

I talked with my brother about this guy and his problem, and my brother said that he'd keep an eye on him. I also talked with the venue's manager, and he said that the bartender would be able to cut him off without a problem. 

I'm pretty much putting this guy on the back burner, at least for now. I've got at least two people (my brother and the bartender) keeping an eye on him at the reception.

Thank you all for your advice and input. I know I've been using this thread to vent a little, so thanks for allowing me to do so. 

elizabethriley

AJuliaNJ said:

elizabethriley said:

LinnieG said:

I need to apologize for my comments earlier.

I am genuinely sorry.

I'm under a lot of stress right now. We won't have the money to move out until October, and we can't really kick this guy out because - as of right now - he's still able to pay rent.

My fiance was - and still is - appalled by his friend's racist comments; it's especially upsetting because this guy used to work with ethnic minorities. 

He was bitching and moaning the other day about how he had broken his favorite wine glass (a gigantic goblet of a thing with his name printed on the side), and I really let him have it. I told him that it was his own damn fault he'd broken the thing, that his behavior is putting people in danger and causing potential property damage, etc. He started crying, and I just left. 

At this point, it isn't about the drinking binges, the broken glass, or the racist remarks. I hate this man and don't want this man anywhere near me. 

He knows that he's on thin ice as far as I'm concerned. I just don't think he'll change his behavior.

If you really can't stand this guy and don't want to be around him, why are you going to invite him to your wedding? It's a year away and you should be long free of him as a roommate by then, so the obvious answer would be to simply refuse to invite him and stop worrying about this.

And definitely don't have a cash bar, that's just rude (and would basically be punishing all of your responsible guests because of one guy who can't behavie like an adult).

She has to invite him because her fiance wants to invite him and it's his wedding, too. Not inviting this guy would be a friendship-ending move and it doesn't seem like he wants to end the friendship.

It might not matter now that OP has clarified, but I had the impression that her FI was also only tolerating him because they were roommates and not because he particularly wanted to remain friends with someone whose behavior he found "appalling". I agree that if her FI isn't ready to end the friendship with this friend when it's time to send out invitations, then he should be included on the guest list. 

OP, I still think it's not something to worry about until you're actually ready to address invitations though. A lot may change with this friendship in the next year. Good luck with everything, and I hope your friend manages to get some help for his alcoholism. I'm sure it's been difficult for your FI and you to see him battling his addiction, but good for you for putting an end to the enabling. I hope your new roommate is a much better match!

LinnieG