Soon to be Brother in-law issues

Xoxbreanne

Hi all ..... Basically need to know if I was in the wrong ...... My fiancé and I are having a hard time with his brother and my soon to be in-law. He left his wife and kids three years ago, and hasn't spoken to or seen the little ones since. He divorced for very selfish reasons and every time we go out he discusses how he is so glad he doesn't have children anymore and his disgust that his ex-wife is remarried already. (to an amazing man I might add). For two years after the divorce he didn't talk to anyone. Not my fiancé, his parents or friends. Now for the past year we have seen him off and on and met various girlfriends. He's been dating his current gf for 6 months now, and she is really nice, but he came to me the other day asking if he could propose at our wedding or before. Now, I might be selfish but I told him not to do it at my wedding. I've spent too much money and spe t way to much time planning the day to be all about myself and my fiancé. I said it is fine if he wants to do it before. The only thing is that everyone in his family I've talked to is concerned that even if he proposes before the wedding he will somehow make it about him and his wife to be. She hasn't met any of the family so they feel he will go around focusing on his engagement and will probably even mention it in his speech. My fiancé talked to him about it ... And just basically said "we are happy for you but please let us have our day' That started a huge argument as his brother feels he is entitled to do what he wants. I guess this is just a big rant. I don't know if it was selfish to say I didn't want him to propose at the wedding, but idk. We feel like its great to get engaged to her (although rather rushed) before the wedding but don't want it to compromise our day and plans we've made.

Jen4948

I agree with you and your FI: Don't let your FBIL make your wedding about his proposal.  He can get engaged to his GF before or after.  It's not selfish of you not to want him to use your wedding for the occasion.

[Deleted User]

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

Jen4948

LMc0322 said:

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

I'd arrange for an MC or DOC to take the mike away from him if he does.  This is something that the OP and her FI shouldn't have to ignore, because the guests won't.  Being the "bigger person" here probably won't work with a jackass like the FBIL.

MayDay513

Xoxbreanne said:

Hi all ..... Basically need to know if I was in the wrong ...... My fiancé and I are having a hard time with his brother and my soon to be in-law. He left his wife and kids three years ago, and hasn't spoken to or seen the little ones since. He divorced for very selfish reasons and every time we go out he discusses how he is so glad he doesn't have children anymore and his disgust that his ex-wife is remarried already. (to an amazing man I might add). For two years after the divorce he didn't talk to anyone. Not my fiancé, his parents or friends. Now for the past year we have seen him off and on and met various girlfriends. He's been dating his current gf for 6 months now, and she is really nice, but he came to me the other day asking if he could propose at our wedding or before. Now, I might be selfish but I told him not to do it at my wedding. I've spent too much money and spe t way to much time planning the day to be all about myself and my fiancé. I said it is fine if he wants to do it before. The only thing is that everyone in his family I've talked to is concerned that even if he proposes before the wedding he will somehow make it about him and his wife to be. She hasn't met any of the family so they feel he will go around focusing on his engagement and will probably even mention it in his speech. My fiancé talked to him about it ... And just basically said "we are happy for you but please let us have our day' That started a huge argument as his brother feels he is entitled to do what he wants. I guess this is just a big rant. I don't know if it was selfish to say I didn't want him to propose at the wedding, but idk. We feel like its great to get engaged to her (although rather rushed) before the wedding but don't want it to compromise our day and plans we've made.

No one can steal your day. Not even someone who recently got engaged or married (one of my BMs got married before I did and kept trying to talk about her wedding to my family and friends and people just rolled their eyes). It's your wedding, people are there to see you and your FI get married.  Go on with the show. Since half or more than half of your guests won't know he or she is then I don't think it will get that much attention.  I would give your photographer a heads up that  it may happen and that you do not want them spending time photographing that, if that's how you feel. Tell the DJ he (the brother) can't have the mic at all.
Smile be gracious.

Adding: He is being entitled.

arrichter1

You're not being selfish; he is.

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

I'd arrange for an MC or DOC to take the mike away from him if he does.  This is something that the OP and her FI shouldn't have to ignore, because the guests won't.  Being the "bigger person" here probably won't work with a jackass like the FBIL.

I just have to disagree.  I think having an MC or DOC walk up to him and snag the mic out of his hands, which he will likely object to and maybe fight back against, is going to cause a way bigger scene than ignoring it.  What will happen? He'll start saying "I just got engaged! And it's super awesome! My life is awesome! MEEEEE!!!"  Of course it's irritating and rude.  But the guests are going to sit there and say "Wow. That guy is a jackass."  NOT "wow, the bride and groom are jackasses becuase of what this other guy did."  If they think the latter, they're idiots and I wouldn't be worried about their opinions.

[Deleted User]

Also, my advice is given based on my assumption that he is best man and therefore giving a speech.  If he's not, listen to huynhette.  Tell the DJ not to let him near the mic.  If he can't get near it, he can't even start whatever ramble he has planned.  If you're that worried about it, you coudl cut the speeches portion of the program.  Sounds like you wouldn't want a speech from him anyway.

Jen4948

LMc0322 said:

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

I'd arrange for an MC or DOC to take the mike away from him if he does.  This is something that the OP and her FI shouldn't have to ignore, because the guests won't.  Being the "bigger person" here probably won't work with a jackass like the FBIL.

I just have to disagree.  I think having an MC or DOC walk up to him and snag the mic out of his hands, which he will likely object to and maybe fight back against, is going to cause a way bigger scene than ignoring it.  What will happen? He'll start saying "I just got engaged! And it's super awesome! My life is awesome! MEEEEE!!!"  Of course it's irritating and rude.  But the guests are going to sit there and say "Wow. That guy is a jackass."  NOT "wow, the bride and groom are jackasses becuase of what this other guy did."  If they think the latter, they're idiots and I wouldn't be worried about their opinions.

Then we'll have to disagree.  Suppose someone else was the best man and he got drunk before giving his speech and started ranting, making racist/sexist/otherwise inappropriate remarks?  Is the couple still supposed to "be the bigger person" and just let him go on doing it?  No!

It's just as inappropriate for this brother as anyone else giving a toast to hijack it and make it all about him/herself and his/her personal issues as any other kind of inappropriate speech.  "Being the bigger person" in this case actually should mean not letting this or any other jackass make an inappropriate speech of any type.  I certainly wouldn't be so dismissive of a guest's feelings if they don't want to listen to him ramble inappropriately on about the new love of his life-especially if they are familiar with his personal history.

MayDay513

Thanks @LMc. OP, I would just suggest being proactive with your vendors. Bartenders are not to pour celebratory shots (our caterer wouldn't pour shots only mixed drinks or like on the rocks), not to serve your toasting champagne for him and his gf etc.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry but this is the second time you've taken comparisons completely out of control.  Mentioning that he just got engaged is now the same as racist and sexist remarks?  No one ever even breathed a word of someone making such a remark.  And now mentioning his FI is as inappropriate as racism? 

 

I'm calling a day. It's time for my commute home. I won't be engaging this.

 

Jen4948

LMc0322 said:

I'm sorry but this is the second time you've taken comparisons completely out of control.  Mentioning that he just got engaged is now the same as racist and sexist remarks?  No one ever even breathed a word of someone making such a remark.  And now mentioning his FI is as inappropriate as racism?

Yes, it fucking is at someone else's wedding-especially when the wedding itself is used as the occasion to announce the engagement.  He can do that on his own time and dime.  The couple don't need to "be the bigger people" by letting him hijack their occasion out from under them, and no, guests cannot be counted on to just let it reflect on the FBIL. 

 

I'm calling a day. It's time for my commute home. I won't be engaging this.

 Good.  Good-bye.

I

MayDay513

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

I'd arrange for an MC or DOC to take the mike away from him if he does.  This is something that the OP and her FI shouldn't have to ignore, because the guests won't.  Being the "bigger person" here probably won't work with a jackass like the FBIL.

I just have to disagree.  I think having an MC or DOC walk up to him and snag the mic out of his hands, which he will likely object to and maybe fight back against, is going to cause a way bigger scene than ignoring it.  What will happen? He'll start saying "I just got engaged! And it's super awesome! My life is awesome! MEEEEE!!!"  Of course it's irritating and rude.  But the guests are going to sit there and say "Wow. That guy is a jackass."  NOT "wow, the bride and groom are jackasses becuase of what this other guy did."  If they think the latter, they're idiots and I wouldn't be worried about their opinions.

Then we'll have to disagree.  Suppose someone else was the best man and he got drunk before giving his speech and started ranting, making racist/sexist/otherwise inappropriate remarks?  Is the couple still supposed to "be the bigger person" and just let him go on doing it?  No!

It's just as inappropriate for this brother as anyone else giving a toast to hijack it and make it all about him/herself and his/her personal issues as any other kind of inappropriate speech.  "Being the bigger person" in this case actually should mean not letting this or any other jackass make an inappropriate speech of any type.  I certainly wouldn't be so dismissive of a guest's feelings if they don't want to listen to him ramble inappropriately on about the new love of his life-especially if they are familiar with his personal history.

Jen - I agree that the toast with "racist/sexist/" remarks should be stopped. But I also believe that in wedding planning, (I'm a disaster planner) there should be a back up plan for those things, and that someone should step in and stop the person giving the inappropriate toast. Whether that is security, another member of the wedding party, or DJ turning off the mic. I do not think the bride or groom should physically remove the mic from anyone.

I think we can agree this guy is a jerk. I also think since OP is concerned about this now, hopefully she will be able to find some proactive ways to prevent this. For all we know they guy might not even show up to the wedding.

Jen4948

huynhette said:

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

I'd arrange for an MC or DOC to take the mike away from him if he does.  This is something that the OP and her FI shouldn't have to ignore, because the guests won't.  Being the "bigger person" here probably won't work with a jackass like the FBIL.

I just have to disagree.  I think having an MC or DOC walk up to him and snag the mic out of his hands, which he will likely object to and maybe fight back against, is going to cause a way bigger scene than ignoring it.  What will happen? He'll start saying "I just got engaged! And it's super awesome! My life is awesome! MEEEEE!!!"  Of course it's irritating and rude.  But the guests are going to sit there and say "Wow. That guy is a jackass."  NOT "wow, the bride and groom are jackasses becuase of what this other guy did."  If they think the latter, they're idiots and I wouldn't be worried about their opinions.

Then we'll have to disagree.  Suppose someone else was the best man and he got drunk before giving his speech and started ranting, making racist/sexist/otherwise inappropriate remarks?  Is the couple still supposed to "be the bigger person" and just let him go on doing it?  No!

It's just as inappropriate for this brother as anyone else giving a toast to hijack it and make it all about him/herself and his/her personal issues as any other kind of inappropriate speech.  "Being the bigger person" in this case actually should mean not letting this or any other jackass make an inappropriate speech of any type.  I certainly wouldn't be so dismissive of a guest's feelings if they don't want to listen to him ramble inappropriately on about the new love of his life-especially if they are familiar with his personal history.

Jen - I agree that the toast with "racist/sexist/" remarks should be stopped. But I also believe that in wedding planning, (I'm a disaster planner) there should be a back up plan for those things, and that someone should step in and stop the person giving the inappropriate toast. Whether that is security, another member of the wedding party, or DJ turning off the mic. I do not think the bride or groom should physically remove the mic from anyone.

I think we can agree this guy is a jerk. I also think since OP is concerned about this now, hopefully she will be able to find some proactive ways to prevent this. For all we know they guy might not even show up to the wedding.

Hunyhette, I never suggested that anyone specific should "take away the mike" - only that steps should be taken to prevent someone using a speech to act like a jerk should be stopped so he can't continue.  Whether it's one of the couple who "takes away the mike" or an MC, DOC, or someone else turns it off, the important thing is that the speech needs to be stopped.

MayDay513

Jen4948 said:

huynhette said:

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

I'd arrange for an MC or DOC to take the mike away from him if he does.  This is something that the OP and her FI shouldn't have to ignore, because the guests won't.  Being the "bigger person" here probably won't work with a jackass like the FBIL.

I just have to disagree.  I think having an MC or DOC walk up to him and snag the mic out of his hands, which he will likely object to and maybe fight back against, is going to cause a way bigger scene than ignoring it.  What will happen? He'll start saying "I just got engaged! And it's super awesome! My life is awesome! MEEEEE!!!"  Of course it's irritating and rude.  But the guests are going to sit there and say "Wow. That guy is a jackass."  NOT "wow, the bride and groom are jackasses becuase of what this other guy did."  If they think the latter, they're idiots and I wouldn't be worried about their opinions.

Then we'll have to disagree.  Suppose someone else was the best man and he got drunk before giving his speech and started ranting, making racist/sexist/otherwise inappropriate remarks?  Is the couple still supposed to "be the bigger person" and just let him go on doing it?  No!

It's just as inappropriate for this brother as anyone else giving a toast to hijack it and make it all about him/herself and his/her personal issues as any other kind of inappropriate speech.  "Being the bigger person" in this case actually should mean not letting this or any other jackass make an inappropriate speech of any type.  I certainly wouldn't be so dismissive of a guest's feelings if they don't want to listen to him ramble inappropriately on about the new love of his life-especially if they are familiar with his personal history.

Jen - I agree that the toast with "racist/sexist/" remarks should be stopped. But I also believe that in wedding planning, (I'm a disaster planner) there should be a back up plan for those things, and that someone should step in and stop the person giving the inappropriate toast. Whether that is security, another member of the wedding party, or DJ turning off the mic. I do not think the bride or groom should physically remove the mic from anyone.

I think we can agree this guy is a jerk. I also think since OP is concerned about this now, hopefully she will be able to find some proactive ways to prevent this. For all we know they guy might not even show up to the wedding.

Hunyhette, I never suggested that anyone specific should "take away the mike" - only that steps should be taken to prevent someone using a speech to act like a jerk should be stopped so he can't continue.  Whether it's one of the couple who "takes away the mike" or an MC, DOC, or someone else turns it off, the important thing is that the speech needs to be stopped.

Jen- I was agreeing with what you said in an earlier post about someone taking the mic away (you actually did say DOC or MC).  and I was suggesting that (in the case OP is still reading) different people who could. So that way the B & G do not have to get involved.

Jen4948 said:

LMc0322 said:

It's rude of him to want to propose on your wedding day.  How awkward.  I would be so embarrassed if someone proposed to me at a wedding.

If you guys aren't close anymore, why is he best man (I assume this based on the fact that he's giving a speech)?  If he gets up and starts rambling about his new FI, just ignore it.  He'll look like an idiot and you'll look like the bigger person for not reacting.

I'd arrange for an MC or DOC to take the mike away from him if he does.  This is something that the OP and her FI shouldn't have to ignore, because the guests won't.  Being the "bigger person" here probably won't work with a jackass like the FBIL.

jlm9113

Xoxbreanne said:

Hi all ..... Basically need to know if I was in the wrong ...... My fiancé and I are having a hard time with his brother and my soon to be in-law. He left his wife and kids three years ago, and hasn't spoken to or seen the little ones since. He divorced for very selfish reasons and every time we go out he discusses how he is so glad he doesn't have children anymore and his disgust that his ex-wife is remarried already. (to an amazing man I might add). For two years after the divorce he didn't talk to anyone. Not my fiancé, his parents or friends. Now for the past year we have seen him off and on and met various girlfriends. He's been dating his current gf for 6 months now, and she is really nice, but he came to me the other day asking if he could propose at our wedding or before. Now, I might be selfish but I told him not to do it at my wedding. I've spent too much money and spe t way to much time planning the day to be all about myself and my fiancé. I said it is fine if he wants to do it before. The only thing is that everyone in his family I've talked to is concerned that even if he proposes before the wedding he will somehow make it about him and his wife to be. She hasn't met any of the family so they feel he will go around focusing on his engagement and will probably even mention it in his speech. My fiancé talked to him about it ... And just basically said "we are happy for you but please let us have our day' That started a huge argument as his brother feels he is entitled to do what he wants. I guess this is just a big rant. I don't know if it was selfish to say I didn't want him to propose at the wedding, but idk. We feel like its great to get engaged to her (although rather rushed) before the wedding but don't want it to compromise our day and plans we've made.

I'm stuck on the bolded.  What a d-bag. 

ETA: Sorry... I know that wasn't the question but just... no words.

AddieCake

jlm9113 said:

Xoxbreanne said:

Hi all ..... Basically need to know if I was in the wrong ...... My fiancé and I are having a hard time with his brother and my soon to be in-law. He left his wife and kids three years ago, and hasn't spoken to or seen the little ones since. He divorced for very selfish reasons and every time we go out he discusses how he is so glad he doesn't have children anymore and his disgust that his ex-wife is remarried already. (to an amazing man I might add). For two years after the divorce he didn't talk to anyone. Not my fiancé, his parents or friends. Now for the past year we have seen him off and on and met various girlfriends. He's been dating his current gf for 6 months now, and she is really nice, but he came to me the other day asking if he could propose at our wedding or before. Now, I might be selfish but I told him not to do it at my wedding. I've spent too much money and spe t way to much time planning the day to be all about myself and my fiancé. I said it is fine if he wants to do it before. The only thing is that everyone in his family I've talked to is concerned that even if he proposes before the wedding he will somehow make it about him and his wife to be. She hasn't met any of the family so they feel he will go around focusing on his engagement and will probably even mention it in his speech. My fiancé talked to him about it ... And just basically said "we are happy for you but please let us have our day' That started a huge argument as his brother feels he is entitled to do what he wants. I guess this is just a big rant. I don't know if it was selfish to say I didn't want him to propose at the wedding, but idk. We feel like its great to get engaged to her (although rather rushed) before the wedding but don't want it to compromise our day and plans we've made.

I'm stuck on the bolded.  What a d-bag. 

ETA: Sorry... I know that wasn't the question but just... no words.

I got stuck there, too. Glad he doesn't have kids anymore? Wow. 

NOLAbridealmost

Even if he is the best man, there is no rule (etiquette or otherwise) that says the best man must be allowed to give a toast.  

Under no circumstances allow him to touch the microphone; give the DJ exceedingly clear instructions to that effect.  If he tries to stand up and do his proposal on his own, instruct the DJ to choose that moment to play a crowd-pleasing dance number.  

Xoxbreanne

Thank you all for the comments and input.
I definitely do not feel like I'm being selfish at all now. And I never even considered what an ass he would look like to everyone else if he makes it all about him.

To those that got stuck on the abandonment issue. Trust me. I'm not over it and neither is his brother or his parents. We all can't honestly figure out why or what his reasoning is.... And we can't figure out how his new gf ( soon to be fiancé) can accept what he has done. It's an ongoing issue.

I think I will have someone kind of be in charge of monitoring his speech (if any at this point) and general behaviour. But after all your comments I think most of my guests would take care of it anyway. My family for sure doesn't tolerate selfishness.

Thanks so much for putting my mind at semi-ease

MayDay513

Xoxbreanne said:

Thank you all for the comments and input. I definitely do not feel like I'm being selfish at all now. And I never even considered what an ass he would look like to everyone else if he makes it all about him. To those that got stuck on the abandonment issue. Trust me. I'm not over it and neither is his brother or his parents. We all can't honestly figure out why or what his reasoning is.... And we can't figure out how his new gf ( soon to be fiancé) can accept what he has done. It's an ongoing issue. I think I will have someone kind of be in charge of monitoring his speech (if any at this point) and general behaviour. But after all your comments I think most of my guests would take care of it anyway. My family for sure doesn't tolerate selfishness. Thanks so much for putting my mind at semi-ease

Thanks for coming back OP. You aren't selfish. Don't forget they are your vendors, so you are in charge of them, and it is not demanding to tell them you have guests you are concerned about. Happy planning.

Bubblegum5586

AddieL73 said:

jlm9113 said:

Xoxbreanne said:

Hi all ..... Basically need to know if I was in the wrong ...... My fiancé and I are having a hard time with his brother and my soon to be in-law. He left his wife and kids three years ago, and hasn't spoken to or seen the little ones since. He divorced for very selfish reasons and every time we go out he discusses how he is so glad he doesn't have children anymore and his disgust that his ex-wife is remarried already. (to an amazing man I might add). For two years after the divorce he didn't talk to anyone. Not my fiancé, his parents or friends. Now for the past year we have seen him off and on and met various girlfriends. He's been dating his current gf for 6 months now, and she is really nice, but he came to me the other day asking if he could propose at our wedding or before. Now, I might be selfish but I told him not to do it at my wedding. I've spent too much money and spe t way to much time planning the day to be all about myself and my fiancé. I said it is fine if he wants to do it before. The only thing is that everyone in his family I've talked to is concerned that even if he proposes before the wedding he will somehow make it about him and his wife to be. She hasn't met any of the family so they feel he will go around focusing on his engagement and will probably even mention it in his speech. My fiancé talked to him about it ... And just basically said "we are happy for you but please let us have our day' That started a huge argument as his brother feels he is entitled to do what he wants. I guess this is just a big rant. I don't know if it was selfish to say I didn't want him to propose at the wedding, but idk. We feel like its great to get engaged to her (although rather rushed) before the wedding but don't want it to compromise our day and plans we've made.

I'm stuck on the bolded.  What a d-bag. 

ETA: Sorry... I know that wasn't the question but just... no words.

I got stuck there, too. Glad he doesn't have kids anymore? Wow. 

Same here.... ummm who says that?

OP - what an annoying situation to deal with! As everyone else has said this will not reflect poorly on you and FI at all and only the brother will look like an ass. Without knowing too much about his GF I would think the average women would be VERY embarrassed to be proposed to at someone else's wedding... especially her future family! Just make sure all your vendors are aware to not partake in his behavior and I like what someone else said about turning down the mic (vs physically removing it) and having the DJ start talking to wrap it up .