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Customs and Traditions

The BIG wedding or the RUNAWAY??

Since the moment we got engaged in April, my fiance has hinted to have a smaller, intimate wedding in which we run off with our immediate families, get married cheaply, get a little travel in, and then come back and just have a huge party to celebrate. Sometimes I like this plan. Most of the time I dont. He has only sort of mentioned it in passing...just as a suggestion, but never pushing it one way or another. He is sort of dismissive about the wedding process, wanting me to be happy and have what I want, etc. So we went ahead with a larger, more traditional wedding plan. Most of his complaints are that he is not very close to his family...I am. So thats been a little push and pull. I had a booking nightmare, planning this "big" (200ish people) wedding. We have a date set. We have a location. And now I dont even know what to do anymore.

He is afraid everything is too expensive. My parents are paying for literally almost the entire thing....Im having a hard time seeing his point here, as they WANT to do this for us. We are both the first children to be married in our families and its kind of a big deal. Part of me wants the big, family and friends wedding. The traditional lovely ceremony and fun, unique venue reception. How often do you have everyone you love together at once?? Part of me sees the financial aspect and can appreciate the intimacy of the runaway wedding concept...I just feel like it undervalues the WEDDING...you know? No involving our families, not having my best friends as my bridesmaids, not having my family or his in our wedding....it just makes me a little sad. But is it really financially a better move? I don't want to regret anything. Just today he started trying to talk me down off the planning pedestal....and I'm like WHERE WAS THIS MONTHS AGO?? UGHHH. I am just so frustrated and confused. Any advice would be amazing!

Re: The BIG wedding or the RUNAWAY??

  • Seeing as that your parents are footing the bill, I don't think finances are really his concern. He might just be using that as an excuse to change your mind.

    I don't think it's fair for you to completely elimate your feelings about having those near and dear to you at the actual ceremony either. You don't want to look back in 5 years and really regret not having them there.

    I would ask him point blank if he is concerned with the wedding size and why he keeps bringing up finances if you two aren't footing the bill. If he is weary of a big wedding, why don't you compromise on say a 125 or 150 person guest list? That way you can still have those VIP's there and he isn't so overwhelmed. I have a much bigger family and FI's list included a lot more friend's so it evend out. If I had a very uneven side I would probably be a little self-conscious about that IMO.

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    When is the wedding date?  Have a lot of deposits been paid? You need to sit down with him ASAP and get on the same page before you go any further, before any more money is spent, and before either of you becomes resentful. It's his wedding, too. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I'd sit down and talk to him about what HE wants.  Does he want a big wedding?  Does he want to have 200 people there?

    My fiance will not accept any financial assistance with our wedding from either of our parents.  It is a pride thing for him.   He would never be comfortable having a wedding where someone else was footing the bill...perhaps your fiance isn't comfortable with it either.  It might be something to speak to him about.

    Before you go any further...I'd sit down and talk to him.   Have the wedding that the TWO of you want...not one you feel pressured to have, etc.
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  • SandraSandra member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    Like stagemanager said, some people simply aren't comfortable accepting money from others, even if they want to do it and it's unfair to dismiss his feelings quite like that. I feel like he wants a smaller affair but is afraid to upset you since you want the huge thing. Is there a way you could find a middle ground? In either case sit down right now with him, ask him straight out what he wants, what he doesn't want and why. And then try to either reassure him or work your way to a compromise.

    Also, just because it's a small thing doesn't mean that is has any less value. The amount of people and/or money you spent on your wedding does not determine the importance and greatness of the day.
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