One ceremony, Two receptions?

aquietseason

Not sure exactly which board this belongs in, so please tell me if I should move it!

I finally "talked shop" with my FMIL regarding wedding plans yesterday, and she threw me for a bit of a loop. Originally my FI and I were planning an intimate, 60-75 person wedding, which fits both the vision we have and the budget we're willing to spend. The original plan was to give 25 invite to each side of the family, with 25 for my FI and I's friends and misc guests. 

My FMIL and family are Indian, and she really wants to do a big 'invite the entire community to a big banquet hall' kind of reception (she originally said 300 people and I nearly fainted!). She was so excited about it, and i was so surprised that she was excited (I was expected a low level of antipathy, personally), that I found myself agreeing more or less.

My FFIL, who always seems to get how I'm feeling, suggested that maybe we can do the small ceremony/reception that FI and I want, and then the next week do the big hall reception, which they graciously offered to pay for. At first that sounded like the perfect solution, but then two things kinda came to mind for me, which is where I wanted to ask and see if this is a good or terrible idea : 

1) Even if I'm having two receptions, I'm only having one wedding, which is my wedding day. So it's a bit weird to put on another wedding dress (even if its a sari that I don't personally associate as a wedding dress, obviously his family does) and "play bride" a second time, isn't it?

2) While his mom and dad made it seem like everyone would be really excited, and maybe this is a thing where there's a cultural difference I'm not aware of, wouldn't people feel slighted to be invited to the larger reception and not the smaller wedding/reception?

3) Even though our core family (immediate family members & bridal party) would definitely attend both, part of me doesn't like the idea of a "segregated" reception, where all the Americans are at one and all the Indians are at the other. And while my FMIL/FFIL offered to pay (and I think my FMIL is really excited at the idea of putting on a party), I don't want them to feel like they have to "pay to play", or that them financing everything is the only way to have the reception they think is appropriate (though on the flip side...I just cant brainstorm a way to fit the two concepts into one.)

FWIW, my FI is really driving the small wedding and is super excited about the venues we've been planning to look at and is kinda "eh its what she wants, itll make her happy" about the 2nd reception idea. I COULD always put my foot down and say "hey this is what we've planned, i want one reception, end of story", but it seems like a big bridge to burn so early.

Help?

sonthirathb

If I were in that situation I would have the American ceremony with the original 75 people since those are who you are closest with.  I would let FMIL host a big reception/Indian ceremony because she is willing to pay for it.  Make it a mixed cultural reception and make sure you have lots of input.  I am sure the 200+ people(mostly Indians) would not be insulted they were not at the American ceremony.

I am in a somewhat similar situation. I am having 2 ceremonies (Laotian/Canadian) and 1 big reception mostly for my parents.

sonthirathb

It was wrong to speak for all Indians lol. 

For our Canadian ceremony there will only be 100 people and those are the people who would expect to be invited to the ceremony. It is open to to everyone else who will be at the reception but from past experience they would not come.  Those people are the people in the Laotian community who do not even have that particular ceremony unless they married someone who is not Laotian.  They just have the Laotian ceremony which is not legal but for tradition purposes.  I know most couples just go to city hall to make it legal either before or after. Here in Ontario a common law partner has same benefits as a married couple.

So if the Indian community is anything like the Laotian community they would not be offended at not being invited to the legal ceremony. I say have the Indian ceremony in addition to the legal one which is a huge production in itself.  Have the huge reception for everyone.  We called it our marriage celebration on our invite.

sonthirathb

Also if you do some googling of mixed indian weddings you will find lots of examples of what others did.

MayDay513

aquietseason said:

Not sure exactly which board this belongs in, so please tell me if I should move it!

I finally "talked shop" with my FMIL regarding wedding plans yesterday, and she threw me for a bit of a loop. Originally my FI and I were planning an intimate, 60-75 person wedding, which fits both the vision we have and the budget we're willing to spend. The original plan was to give 25 invite to each side of the family, with 25 for my FI and I's friends and misc guests. 

My FMIL and family are Indian, and she really wants to do a big 'invite the entire community to a big banquet hall' kind of reception (she originally said 300 people and I nearly fainted!). She was so excited about it, and i was so surprised that she was excited (I was expected a low level of antipathy, personally), that I found myself agreeing more or less.

My FFIL, who always seems to get how I'm feeling, suggested that maybe we can do the small ceremony/reception that FI and I want, and then the next week do the big hall reception, which they graciously offered to pay for. At first that sounded like the perfect solution, but then two things kinda came to mind for me, which is where I wanted to ask and see if this is a good or terrible idea : 

1) Even if I'm having two receptions, I'm only having one wedding, which is my wedding day. So it's a bit weird to put on another wedding dress (even if its a sari that I don't personally associate as a wedding dress, obviously his family does) and "play bride" a second time, isn't it?

2) While his mom and dad made it seem like everyone would be really excited, and maybe this is a thing where there's a cultural difference I'm not aware of, wouldn't people feel slighted to be invited to the larger reception and not the smaller wedding/reception?

3) Even though our core family (immediate family members & bridal party) would definitely attend both, part of me doesn't like the idea of a "segregated" reception, where all the Americans are at one and all the Indians are at the other. And while my FMIL/FFIL offered to pay (and I think my FMIL is really excited at the idea of putting on a party), I don't want them to feel like they have to "pay to play", or that them financing everything is the only way to have the reception they think is appropriate (though on the flip side...I just cant brainstorm a way to fit the two concepts into one.)

FWIW, my FI is really driving the small wedding and is super excited about the venues we've been planning to look at and is kinda "eh its what she wants, itll make her happy" about the 2nd reception idea. I COULD always put my foot down and say "hey this is what we've planned, i want one reception, end of story", but it seems like a big bridge to burn so early.

Help?

I was a part of a WP where B&G got talked into doing this. Their ceremony was on Friday, they had about 250 people at their reception (so more people than yours). The first reception consisted of friends and families of the B&G and people who actually cared about them. But then Bride's father insisted they do a big 10 course meal at a chinese restaurant (typical for our circle of Vietnamese/Chinese family and friends) for their 2nd reception. The second reception was on a Saturday. The bride and groom knew about 20 of the 220 people who were invited to the second reception. The 2nd reception was not for the B&G it was for the B's dad to just show off to his friends, most people at the 2nd reception didn't even know the B&G and only came because they knew B's dad.

1) Would you enjoy going through all the craziness of a second reception? That means postponing a honeymoon. I wouldn't do it. It's just another version of a PPD. You'll be so done with weddings it won't be even funny.

2) Yes people will feel slighted. Why wasn't I important enough to attend the second reception?

I think having two ceremonies to honor different cultures is awesome, I don't think two receptions especially in this case would make sense.

itzMS

This is definitely something I would forego.

Now if your FI would be the one expressing interest in the large reception...not MIL...I might feel differently. It's nice that she's excited, but it doesn't seem to fall in line with you and FI's plans.

aquietseason

Thanks for the insights, they're much appreciated! To give some clarification/answers :

- The issue is less the ceremony aspect (we planned on doing a nondenominational ceremony that incorporates both cultural aspects for the smaller wedding -- neither of us nor our immediate families are religious). I know his mom also wants to do the henna/tumeric ceremony thing, which i have no problem with, instead of a Western shower (fine by me - it sounds more interesting ) It's 100% the reception issue.

- I don't know (and should ask!) whether his community (I realize that there's a lot of differences even within Indian culture -- it's a big place ) traditionally bring gifts to these types of receptions, so I'm not sure if thats an issue or not.

- It's absolutely so she can show off to her friends, and absolutely I will know like...4 of the 200 people. So I can imagine what I'm getting myself into. If it's a week apart (which is what FFIL suggested) I'm sure I'll be fine.

- We're also doing our honeymoon on our first anniversary (I'm a travel agent by profession, so we do a islandy romantic vacation every year anyway. I rather wait until I have the time to do a big blowout 2 week kinda thing), so the timing on that front is OK.

- I can potentially invite the 50-75 people from teh small wedding to the larger 2nd reception; I would want to word the invites (or haev my mom/MOH pass along by word of mouth) that I'm not looking for a 2nd set of presents or anything and I'd expect (and be ok with) a high decline rate from the 1st reception invitees.

- I can't say that I definitely *WANT* a second reception, I just can't really think of an alternative. There's always doing one ceremony/reception so we can accomodate everyone at once, but (I hate to be a Bridezilla about it) it is OUR day, and we already had planned what atmosphere we wanted,, which was something intimate, upscale, and contemporary, and kind of the opposite of a big hall with a buffet for 200 people. And to say no to her outright seems slightly offensive in a "I don't care about your traditions" way, and it's not something she's going to take well considering that I'm not exactly her ideal choice for her only child (we get along, mostly be me "yes"ing her).

 

smith5jm

My fiancé is also Indian and I totally understand your dilemma. We looked at all types of options, and are ending up doing a Hindu ceremony and "mixed" reception with about 200 people. ( Wedding is next weekend- eek!!!). Although I initially wanted a small wedding and was absolutely against having a bunch of people I don't know there, I've learned how much it means in his culture. For me, it came down to wanting to start my relationship with FMIL with love and compromise as opposed to having MY way on MY day, at the expense of a relationship with my in laws. During the course of planning, I have seen how much this wedding means to his mom. And I believe that as a result of me being interested and willing to do certain things her way (while respectfully putting my foot down on things that are important to me), I truly feel like we have the foundation for a great relationship. I wouldn't have said that my first couple months of wedding planning. I say let her have her party- plus an Indian wedding reception is soooo fun! If you wear a lengtha or sari, you definitely won't feel like its a do-over reception

she22ybe22y

I agree with CMGr.  our families are so far apart,  there isn't anywhere they would all be able to get together under one roof.  so we are having two receptions in two different states.  One ceremony.  But I will not be wearing my wedding dress for the second, just a white sundress.