Wedding Etiquette Forum

Future Mother-in-law being inappropriate?

It's very close to our wedding date and my future MIL emailed me out of nowhere saying she wanted to pay for the bridal party/parent's flowers.  This was very nice.  My parents and I had already picked out the flowers and paid the deposit but not the full amount yet.  She asked for the phone number of the flower place to call and give them some money.  Once she did that she emailed me and said that she discussed the flowers with the florist (when she called to pay) and had made some changes to the flowers that she didn't like.  For example, she change her flower and made it a wristlet, not a pin on.  Now she will be the only one with a different flower than everyone else and it might look weird in pictures.  Do you think it is wrong of her to do this?  I worked really hard on a vision for my flowers and I would rather just pay for them myself and get what I want.  When I gave her the phone number to call and pay and I didn't know she could change the flowers too.

Secondly,  my future MIL contacted me many times to get the color of dress my mom was going to wear.  She wanted pictures of her dress and the bridesmaids dresses so she could coordinate.  All their dresses are blush which is my color scheme.  After all of that and agreeing that she would get the same color once my mom got her dress, she ended up getting a completely different color.  It is champagne and blue.  Far from blush.  Now she will be the only one in a different color dress too.  

Any thoughts on what's going on here?  Thanks.
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Re: Future Mother-in-law being inappropriate?

  • I might be wrong here, but if she's paying for the flowers, she should get some say in them. Was there a reason she changed her flowers to a corsage? Maybe she's afraid the flowers will pull on her dress, ruin the fabric, etc. I don't think people will pay much attention if she's wearing her flowers in a different place. If you are truly concerned about everyone matching, tell her that you appreciate the offer, but you will have to decline. 
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  • I think she's in the wrong on the flowers, but in the right in choosing what color she wears. 
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  • I think it was rude to change the flower order without checking with you first. At this stage I would probably let it go though, but maybe call the florist and tell her that no more changes are to be made unless you ask for them. Paying means having a say, sure, but I don't think it means being able to change something that has already been decided on and ordered without any discussion.

    As for what she is wearing, she can wear whatever colour she wants to wear. Maybe she planned to coordinate but fell in love with another outfit, or got something she could rewear to another event?

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  • So, to summarize, she has a wristlet instead of a pin flower, and will be in a blue dress instead of a pink one.  

    Go back and re-read that again.  This is completely okay, not going to affect a dang thing, and I am glad you have as easy going of a FMIL as I do!  

    I really do sympathize with the emotions that come up, just last night I was in tears because all FIVE of the photographers I contacted aren't available.  But I'm one lucky lady because there are tons more to consider!

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    Previously Alaynajuliana


  • I think it was a little bizarre that she changed the flowers without talking to you.  Yes, she offered to pay, but you had already planned on paying.  You could change your mind and say that you're going with your original plan to pay for the flowers yourself, but IMHO I think that's unnecessary. 

    No one is going to notice whether she has a flower on her dress or her wrist.  I totally understand why she might not want a pin since I've had many dresses ruined that way.  

    So while you could tell her you changed her mind on the flowers and change them back, I think it will likely stir up more drama.  I just don't think this is a hill worth dying on.

    As far as the attire, you need to let it go.  You really can't dictate what anyone outside your bridal party wears.

    These are all really minor details that won't matter in the grand scheme of things.  Focus on the big picture, you're getting married to your FI soon!  I promise your wedding and/or pictures won't be ruined because of what color someone is wearing or where their flower is placed.  

    Sit back, relax, and try to let the little things go.  Congrats on your upcoming wedding!
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Don't do anything.

    I agree that what she did with the flowers was controlling; she should not have made those changes without your consent. It's one thing to say, "This is what I would like," when you're helping to pay. It's another to just make the change without checking with you.

    However--it's not going to matter. Really. Maybe she prefers a wrist corsage to a pin because a pin does some damage to the fabric. Maybe it's more comfortable for her. Whatever. Won't make a difference.

    As for the dress ... she doesn't need to match your color scheme. In fact, your MOM can wear something clashing, too. My brother and sister-in-law picked yellow and eggplant for their colors--my mom wore black, the mother of the bride wore champagne. It didn't match, and no one cared. I wore blush (I was holding the chuppah) and I clashed quite a bit.

    The only dresses you can pick besides your own are the wedding party's dresses (bridesmaids and flower girl). As far as I'm concerned, blue and champagne will not clash terribly with blush. It's not like she picked bright orange or lime green! I doubt she was trying to wear the same color--she was probably just trying to pick something that didn't look terribly out of place.

    The point isn't that you're wrong, get over it. Her behavior is somewhat weird, and she shouldn't have changed the flowers without asking you. But the end results of her behavior, in terms of the wedding, aren't going to make a single difference in the end.
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  • Thank you everyone for your advice.  It just seems like she is being the "rebel" with everything (for lack of a better word).    Everyone else has had the attitude of "it's your day so it's your decision" except her. 
  • Didn't we see this same thread somewhere else recently? I feel like this is really, really familiar.

    Regardless.

    1. She who pays gets a say. If you don't like what your FMIL did with the flowers, reimburse her and change it back to what you want. And be prepared for her feelings to be hurt.
    (She should have asked you before doing so. Yes, it was rude of her not to.)

    2. You should have asked her if she wanted a wrist or pin-on corsage before you ordered them. That's on you.
    (If she changed the actual flowers you chose, not how they're attached to her body, I think you can say to her, 'FMIL, FI and I chose theflowers for a reason and we'd really like them all to be the same. It was generous of you to offer to pay, but that's not carte blanc for you to change parts of our wedding.'

    3. You do not get to dress your FMIL. I don't care if she took you dress shopping WITH HER, she can pick anything she wants. No, it doesn't have to match, or co-ordinate, or complement the BM dresses at all. Even if she asked for the colours and then chose something entirely different. It's entirely fine. I assure you no one will notice, care, or comment on it.
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  • Agree with most everyone here.  I'm a several time MOB.  I DETEST pin on corsages and do not wear them.  Screw whether or not they might harm my dress - they are for very old ladies and prom IMO.  I hate pin ons.

    When my stepdd got married 4 years ago she had her mom, her MIL, and me to deal with for flowers. She knows I hate pin ons.  She came to every mom and asked what kind of flowers we would like.  Her mom got a pin on, her MIL got a flower for her hair that was beyond stunning, and I got a teeny tiny nosegay.  Her theory was if she was getting something for us she wanted it to be we liked.

    If that is the only change to the flower order (is it?) than you have absolutely nothing to worry about.  Also, she is free to wear whatever color she likes - she isn't in the bridal party.  The day after your wedding you are going to wonder why you worried about such trivial non-issues. 
  • Really, I think you should consider changing your other women's corsages to wristlets. Maybe ask them what they would prefer? Because all but one of the women who wore flowers for my wedding also wanted wristlets because pin-on corsages tend to get crushed in all the hugging. My DOC opted for the pin-on, though.
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  • Is the only thing she changed about the flowers the style of her corsage? If so, I don't see a problem with that. If she changed the type or color of flowers you picked, then I could understand being upset.

    You do not get to dictate parent attire. As long as they show up appropriately dressed. You get to dress yourself and your BMW. That's it.
  • That should say BMs not BMW. Stupid autocorrect.
  • Yeah, this is not really your FMIL "being inappropriate," as the title suggests. I was expecting something way worse, or at least, you know, actually inappropriate.
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @HisGirlFriday, I thought the exact thing. I thought this was another case of an old thread being revived from the dead. I agree with all that PP's have addressed. However, my first reaction wondered why the florist didn't check with her client, the bride, before agreeing to these changes.

  • It's very close to our wedding date and my future MIL emailed me out of nowhere saying she wanted to pay for the bridal party/parent's flowers.  This was very nice.  My parents and I had already picked out the flowers and paid the deposit but not the full amount yet.  She asked for the phone number of the flower place to call and give them some money.  Once she did that she emailed me and said that she discussed the flowers with the florist (when she called to pay) and had made some changes to the flowers that she didn't like.  For example, she change her flower and made it a wristlet, not a pin on.  Now she will be the only one with a different flower than everyone else and it might look weird in pictures.  Do you think it is wrong of her to do this?  I worked really hard on a vision for my flowers and I would rather just pay for them myself and get what I want.  When I gave her the phone number to call and pay and I didn't know she could change the flowers too.

    Secondly,  my future MIL contacted me many times to get the color of dress my mom was going to wear.  She wanted pictures of her dress and the bridesmaids dresses so she could coordinate.  All their dresses are blush which is my color scheme.  After all of that and agreeing that she would get the same color once my mom got her dress, she ended up getting a completely different color.  It is champagne and blue.  Far from blush.  Now she will be the only one in a different color dress too.  

    Any thoughts on what's going on here?  Thanks.
    Stand back, she's gone rogue!  Except that she hasn't. So her dress will be a different color (most parents don't match the wedding party anyway, so good for her) and her flowers will be on her wrist instead of her chest. And you think that will look weird in pictures? Get a grip. 


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  • mobkaz said:
    @HisGirlFriday, I thought the exact thing. I thought this was another case of an old thread being revived from the dead. I agree with all that PP's have addressed. However, my first reaction wondered why the florist didn't check with her client, the bride, before agreeing to these changes.
    same here. first thing I did was look at the date

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • Yeah, I agree with everyone else.  It's just not significant enough to get upset about.  Plus, I would hate if I had to wear a pin-on flower.  They tend to pull down fabric, ruin fabric, and get smooshed every time you hug someone.  If that's all she wants to do, I certainly wouldn't object to it.  I guarantee you not a single person at your wedding will notice.

    If this is all you've had to worry about, rejoice! You're having a great planning process :) 
  • I actually gave my mom & MIL a choice of what type of flower they wanted, pin, corsage or mini bouquet. I wanted them to be comfortable. Not everyone likes flowers near their face. Plus depending on the fabric of their dresses a pinned flower may not have worked (turns out for FMIL pinned flower would have been disaster due to that portion of her dress being a sheer fabric. They actually booth opted for wrist corsage.

    For dress colors I just asked that they compliment, not match, my colors. I figured they don't need to match, they aren't BM and they didn't have to match each other. By just asking them to find a color of a dress that went with my colors it made it easier for them to find dresses they likes.

    Once my mom's had their dresses my florist actually wanted to know their colors so he could make their flowers to go with their outfits while still going with the look I had. To be honest, I don't even remember what their flowers looked like, but I know they were happy. It didn't make a difference in the pictures.

    These issues are minor. She didn't change all your flowers, just hers to a style that is more comfortable for her.. Really the only pictures she will be in are a few with you & FI and a few familyshots. She isn't going to be in every picture.

    This is a minor thing, try to relax and be glad that she found a dress she likes and that she is helping to pay for the flowers. If you let little things like this bother you, you're going to drive yourself planning your wedding and on your wedding day when something doesn't go right. And trust me, something will go wrong, it may be a small thing, but what's important to remember, as long as you end up married at the end of the day, that's all that matter.

  • It's actually tradition for the MOG to ask the MOB what she's wearing to ensure the MOB has "first choice". It's pretty typical for the mothers not to match unless the bride asks them to coordinate with the WP (and even then, it's still the mothers' choice). I actually think it's a relatively new thing that they do coordinate. In my family, the mothers get together to ensure they don't match each other OR the WP.

    I sincerely doubt anyone will notice the placement of her flower when they look at your wedding photos.
  • phira said:

    I agree that what she did with the flowers was controlling; she should not have made those changes without your consent. It's one thing to say, "This is what I would like," when you're helping to pay. It's another to just make the change without checking with you.

     


    This.

     

    I agree with everyone else about the color of the dress not mattering and the type of flower not being a big deal, but I do sympathize with you that she was sneaky about changing the flowers without your permission.

    You ordered the flowers with intention to pay for it yourself.

    It was generous of her to offer to pay for part of them after the fact, but I agree that it was definitely inappropriate for her to change the order after the fact, at least without discussing it with you. 

     

    Officially hitched as of 10/25/13

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2013
    Well, since she's paying for the flowers, I'd let her changing the order go, although I agree that that's annoying.  The color of the dress doesn't matter.  As long as she shows up in an appropriate dress and otherwise behaves within etiquette, that's really all she has to do.

    But what does matter is that she's playing head games with you.  From now on, don't discuss anything wedding-related with her that she can change on her own whim or otherwise use to her advantage and your disadvantage.  Keep her on a strictly "need to know" basis when it comes to the specifics of your plans.
  • I think you MIL was a little off the mark in changing her flowers, but I don't see a huge issue here.  I've read other posts where a mother went in and changed the flowers being used because she didn't like the bride's choices.  That, to me, has more impact on the bride's "vision" than whether the corsage is pinned or on the wrist.

    I asked the women for whom I was buying corsages what they wanted.  Many dress fabrics could be torn or ruined by a pin-on corsage.  Then there's the hugging thing.

    As far as what MIL is wearing, I've never given a thought to what the mothers wear, either in my weddings or anyone else's.  When DH and I married last summer, our grown children asked if I had certain colors in mind for them and their children, as they were all escorting us to the altar.  I appreciated that, but would have never told them what I expected of them.  They're grown women.  My mother may have told me what she planned to wear, I don't remember.  But, again, she's a grown woman. What she wears is her business.
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  • She didn't change "the flowers"; she changed her corsage from pin to wrist and kept the flowers the bride picked. I don't see anything wrong with what she did. Usually, the mothers are asked if they prefer a pin corsage or a wrist corsage because that's the proper thing to do. So I really don't fault the MOG on this one, especially since she paid for the flowers.
  • The things she changed only affect her, not you. She didn't change your flowers, did she? And frankly, I'm not a fan of pinned corsages either as I do not like how it inevitably leaves holes in my dress when it droops down from the weight of the flowers. It would have been really nice of you to give her a choice in the type of corsage.

    And she can wear whatever color she wants. The moms do not need to coordinate.
  • I would be irked about the flowers because it sounds like she didn't talk to you at all about it, and that's rude.  With that said though if you want it to be consistent just change the MOB (and anyone else getting a pin-on) to a wristlet- then no one ruins their dress, which is likely why she made the change.

    The dress is NBD, the moms usually don't coordinate with the wedding party, and can wear whatever they like.
  • I somewhat disagree with the PPs. Has your MIL always been passive aggressive? Because, to me, this feels passive aggressive. She didn't want to ask you about the flowers so she offered to pay and took it upon herself to change hers. Also, it sounds like she undertook to find out what the MOB is wearing and acted as though she wanted to coordinate and then did the opposite. What is your relationship otherwise? Is this a pattern of behavior? I agree with everyone else to just let it go. These couple of instances aren't worth fighting over. However, if this a pattern you are going to need to talk with your FI and decide how you want to deal with your MIL in the future.
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2013

    nsweare said:
    I somewhat disagree with the PPs. Has your MIL always been passive aggressive? Because, to me, this feels passive aggressive. She didn't want to ask you about the flowers so she offered to pay and took it upon herself to change hers. Also, it sounds like she undertook to find out what the MOB is wearing and acted as though she wanted to coordinate and then did the opposite. What is your relationship otherwise? Is this a pattern of behavior? I agree with everyone else to just let it go. These couple of instances aren't worth fighting over. However, if this a pattern you are going to need to talk with your FI and decide how you want to deal with your MIL in the future.
    That's a bit of an overreaction. She offered to pay out of kindness and probably asked if she could switch to a wrist corsage while on the phone with the florist. I doubt someone would pay hundreds of dollars just to avoid asking the bride if she can switch to a wrist corsage. That's a bit far-fetched.

    Also, by asking the MOB what she was wearing, she may have asked with the intention to NOT coordinate with her. Asking about the color palette doesn't mean she was faking that she wanted to match them. My mother asked FI's mother what she planned to wear so they didn't show up in the same dress. If I were a mother, I'd want to make sure I didn't match the WP or the other mother out of respect.
  • NerdyLucy said:
    phira said:

    I agree that what she did with the flowers was controlling; she should not have made those changes without your consent. It's one thing to say, "This is what I would like," when you're helping to pay. It's another to just make the change without checking with you.

     


    This.

     

    I agree with everyone else about the color of the dress not mattering and the type of flower not being a big deal, but I do sympathize with you that she was sneaky about changing the flowers without your permission.

    You ordered the flowers with intention to pay for it yourself.

    It was generous of her to offer to pay for part of them after the fact, but I agree that it was definitely inappropriate for her to change the order after the fact, at least without discussing it with you. 

     

    No one needs permission from anyone in re to what THEY are wearing, clothes, flowers, jewelry etc. ! 
    She did nothing wrong.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2013
    NerdyLucy said:
    phira said:

    I agree that what she did with the flowers was controlling; she should not have made those changes without your consent. It's one thing to say, "This is what I would like," when you're helping to pay. It's another to just make the change without checking with you.

     


    This.

     

    I agree with everyone else about the color of the dress not mattering and the type of flower not being a big deal, but I do sympathize with you that she was sneaky about changing the flowers without your permission.

    You ordered the flowers with intention to pay for it yourself.

    It was generous of her to offer to pay for part of them after the fact, but I agree that it was definitely inappropriate for her to change the order after the fact, at least without discussing it with you. 

     

    No one needs permission from anyone in re to what THEY are wearing, clothes, flowers, jewelry etc. ! 
    She did nothing wrong.
    I disagree.  It's not a matter of "permission" here so much as that she was leading the OP to believe that the order would be placed and paid for just as the OP was planning to do, and then she changed it.  Whether or not she needed "permission" for that, it's not being frank and honest with the OP.  That is wrong.
  • I think it's passive aggressive because she did it without discussing it with OP. I don't see anything wrong with preferring a wrist corsage. However, I do think it was wrong to just outright change it. It feels passive aggressive to me. I could be wrong and if this is the only time MIL has shown passive aggressive tendencies, then I would let it slide. I would expect a reasonable person to consult with the person who picked out the flowers (bride), tell her she would feel more comfortable with a wrist corsage, may she change it and THEN do it. Also, I took the OP as the MIL changed the flower and to a wrist. Again, I agree that in the long run the corsage doesn't matter a lick. I would just take a look at other interactions with MIL to see if this is a pattern.
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