Baby Shower or Bridal Shower?

LakeR2014

@ LyannaStark quoted the following in another post and it brought to mind another etiquette question I have:

"The bride was about 3-4 months pregnant at the time of her shower. We all knew this, we knew it's why the engagement was so short....However, the Best Man's girlfriend did not get the memo. Wedding gifts were opened, spatulas and blenders and everything, nobody had said the word "baby" or anything similar all afternoon, but the gift from BM's GF was a cute little set of crochet booties. After a few seconds of awkward crickets, the bride thanked her, hurriedly shoved them back in the box, told her grandma they were potholders and just kept right on going."

My question:   In this instance do you have a baby shower AND a bridal shower...or as most people you invite to one would go to the other (assuming only a few months apart) do you choose one over the other?

My feeling...you get one or the other when they are essentially within months of each other (4-5 months).  I understand that both are special, separate occasions, but to have two of them would look gift-gabby to me, especially with how much people would spend on both, and around a wedding too.

zizibet

  Meh. It's not just that they are separate events-the gifts are for entirely different people..  ABridal shower is for gifts for the couple.. Gifts at the baby shower are for the baby.
 

wrigleyville

I'd have two separate events. As Zizi said, the baby shower gifts are for the baby, whereas bridal shower gifts are gifts for the couple. I wouldn't see it as gift grabby.

If the couple didn't want to have two showers, though, they could have a baby shower and skip the bridal shower. Most people would probably give them wedding gifts/money anyway, so a bridal shower wouldn't be necessary. If I were pregnant before my wedding, I'd rather have a baby shower.

LyannaStark

Ha! The trick here was that it was a "secret" that she was pregnant. Not to her friends or her mom, but to grandmas, aunts, mom's friends, etc. I have no doubt she would have preferred a courthouse wedding and a baby shower. Which do you need more in your life when you're 23 and pregnant, napkin rings or diapers? 

She did have a baby shower a few months later of course, but all of her wedding events, including the actual wedding, were 100% because her Catholic mom just insisted on pretending this was a normal wedding dammit, and we're going to do wedding things, and everybody will just not remark on the gigantic miracle preemie she was going to give birth to 4 months after the wedding.

So yeah, extravagant secret shotgun wedding the just-out-of-college bride didn't even want, that's a special case. For a couple who's been living together awhile or whatever, most people in that case I think would have quite enough napkin rings and prefer a baby shower. Those little buggers are expensive.

banana468

I think two are fine. What if the couple conceives on the wedding night? Are you saying that they shouldn't have a shower because they procreated too quickly?

Jen4948

I'd have separate events.  Some people aren't into weddings; others aren't into babies.

[Deleted User]

Wait, so she was pretending to her grandma that she wasn't pregnant?  Was she just going to pretend to have a super-preemie baby after the wedding or convince her grandmother that her baby was special and only took 4 months to get all ready in there?

banana468

LMc0322 said:

Wait, so she was pretending to her grandma that she wasn't pregnant?  Was she just going to pretend to have a super-preemie baby after the wedding or convince her grandmother that her baby was special and only took 4 months to get all ready in there?

My FIL always says, "The first one comes at any time. The rest of the babies take 9 months. " ;-)

wrigleyville

Banana - I love that.

LakeR2014

banana468 said:

I think two are fine. What if the couple conceives on the wedding night? Are you saying that they shouldn't have a shower because they procreated too quickly?

@Banana468 - most definitely not.  My question was in reference to having a baby shower and bridal shower within 4 months or so of each other...basically when the bride is pregnant at the time of the wedding and knows it.   In this instance...she was 4 months pregnant. 

HisGirlFriday13

My mom says that, too! I love that expression. And I have used it frequently.

LyannaStark

LMc0322 said:

Wait, so she was pretending to her grandma that she wasn't pregnant?  Was she just going to pretend to have a super-preemie baby after the wedding or convince her grandmother that her baby was special and only took 4 months to get all ready in there?

Yes. Yes she was.

Her mom is the Catholicest Catholic that ever Catholiced and she wouldn't have anything less than a full on Catholic Mass with puffy white Virgin dress for her daughter. Never mind the fact that her daughter didn't want any of it, thought it was a waste of baby money, and that, as you say, grandma/Aunt Mary/Father Ted would be doing some confusing math once the baby came. But hey, keeping up appearances trumps logic and math in some circles. And the bride was really gracious about it - I guess she sounds like a doormat here, but she really did just want to minimize family drama, especially cause you know. She was about to have a damn baby. Picking battles. She and her now-husband were both unbelievably patient about being shuffled around like props, because appearances!!!

I'm pretty sure everyone knew, especially when they saw her comically huge boobs popping out of her wedding dress and she didn't drink at her own reception, but nobody could acknowledge it, and nobody mentioned the odd timing of the 8-pound 20-week fetus she gave birth to a few months later. Denial: It's what's for dinner!

That lady was a piece of work, good lord.

hockey20

banana468 said:

My FIL always says, "The first one comes at any time. The rest of the babies take 9 months. " ;-)

My mom says something similar to this all the time.

efmcc67

LMc0322 said:

Wait, so she was pretending to her grandma that she wasn't pregnant?  Was she just going to pretend to have a super-preemie baby after the wedding or convince her grandmother that her baby was special and only took 4 months to get all ready in there?

If you grew up in my family, you wouldn't have to ask this question. As far as my mother's concerned, if you "get in trouble" (i.e. get pregnant before marriage), the good and moral thing to do is get married before the baby's born and lie your ass off about when it was conceived. Even though everyone will obviously know the truth, you never ever ever acknowledge it. Ever.

Ironically, my mother despises dishonesty in every other context. I honestly don't think she sees this as a lie.

Majide

Oh, wonderful!  My bridal shower is next weekend, and I had a dream last night that I got a baby-related gift at my shower.  I have no kids, and I'm not pregnant.  Just read this thread yesterday.  Oh dear!

It could also be because a close friend of mine who is coming is also bringing her new baby   So I think there are multiple factors that caused this dream. 

[Deleted User]

efmcc67 said:

LMc0322 said:

Wait, so she was pretending to her grandma that she wasn't pregnant?  Was she just going to pretend to have a super-preemie baby after the wedding or convince her grandmother that her baby was special and only took 4 months to get all ready in there?

If you grew up in my family, you wouldn't have to ask this question. As far as my mother's concerned, if you "get in trouble" (i.e. get pregnant before marriage), the good and moral thing to do is get married before the baby's born and lie your ass off about when it was conceived. Even though everyone will obviously know the truth, you never ever ever acknowledge it. Ever.

Ironically, my mother despises dishonesty in every other context. I honestly don't think she sees this as a lie.

Maybe she justifies it with a "greater good" argument?

I tried to find a "greater good" gif from the movie Hot Fuzz without success, so I'm going to use this gif from the same film instead.  I tried;