How to cut down the guest list of the wedding

Mormiran

We are attempting to cut down my guest list to 125. At the moment I have 230 people on my guest list. Would it be bad form to send out a letter to all 230 people  stating that I would love to have them come however we are limited in space so the first people to respond will be invited. Please note this was my fiancé's idea. Any suggestions would help.

smalfrie19

This is a terrible idea. What you and your FI need to do is go throught the guest list and figure out who is the most important for you to have their. Start with cutting friends you dont talk to or see on a regular basis, followed by plus ones for TRULY SINGLE people. Go from there. Perhaps family you don't speak to and are inviting out of "necessity"

[Deleted User]

Don't do that.  That sounds super uncomfortable and inappropriate.

You'll just have to make tough cuts. We can't tell you how to do that.  Either that or change the style of your reception to accommodate all 230.

[Deleted User]

OH WAIT. I didn't even read that.  I thought you were going to send letters to everyone saying "Sorry we couldn't invite everyone we wish we could have."  Not "First come, first served."  I skimmed that too quickly.

No, no, no, don't do that.  That idea is the worst. 

LisaA2014

I asked myself if I would pay over a 100 bucks to have dinner with them any other time. Harsh but it worked.

HisGirlFriday13

Mormiran said:

We are attempting to cut down my guest list to 125. At the moment I have 230 people on my guest list. Would it be bad form to send out a letter to all 230 people  stating that I would love to have them come however we are limited in space so the first people to respond will be invited. Please note this was my fiancé's idea. Any suggestions would help.

This is one of the top-10 tacky ideas I've ever read on TK, which is saying something. This is a horrible idea. Weddings are not first-come, first-served events. That's not how it works.

You don't say WHY you have to trim your guest list from 230 to 125 -- a reduction of almost half. Is it space issues? Find a different venue. Is it budget issues? Find a cheaper way -- change the time to not be over a meal hour so you can do hors d'oeuvres rather than a full meal, do hosted wine and beer rather than an open bar, do a dry wedding rather than any alcohol, choose an off-peak month and day, etc. There are ways to save money, but you have to be creative.

Your idea does not count as creative. It counts as tacky.

manateehugger

Holy crap! You can't be serious with that idea. Just no.

You just cut the list. Which people will matter 5 years from now enough that they were there to celebrate your wedding with you?

NYCBruin

You say that space is the issue, why can't you just find a bigger venue?  

Xstatic3333

Wow, that is an idea from a man if I ever heard one. It's good you checked here first!

PPs have good suggestions for accommodating everyone. If you would prefer to trim the list, what worked for us was limiting it to people we actually hang out with outside of structured activities or where we initially met them. Cousins we limited to those we regularly talk to (without splitting families). Children we limited to our FGs and nursing-age babies. There are lots of ways to draw lines, you just have to find the one that works for you.

Mormiran

This is the first time that I have ever posted a question on TK and I'm not quite sure if I would do it again. Some of the responses are extremely rude and in my opinion, unnecessary. There is a way with words and some of the ones that were chosen were even more tacky then my fiancé's idea. On that note, LisaA2014, I appreciate your response and will definitely be using this to narrow down my guest list. For those of that had additional questions, I am trying to get my guest list down to 125. This is not including his side of the family, just mine. WE both would like a nice wedding and we both have rather large families. I was hoping that by posting my dilemma and the fiancé's idea, that I would get helpful recommendations or suggestions. If anyone else has some encouraging words and helpful ideas, please feel free to post them! Thank you

[Deleted User]

No one was rude to you.  Telling you an idea is bad is not the same as tell you that YOU are rude.  No one ever said anything of the sort.

LisaA2014

Don't worry about it sweetie, that one PP is on my month board putting everyone down too. Some people enjoy feeling big and bad and better then everyone.

[Deleted User]

You're shitting me, right? When people ask people's advice on having an outdoor wedding in March and I say to have a backup plan? GOD I AM A HORRIBLE BITCH.

Mormiran

I appreciate people's feedback and my response was not geared towards yours. My intention is not to get into a debate and I should have just responded to the individual as opposed to posting a general comment, that was my mistake. By posting the general comment, I was hoping to avoid further insults. My apologies.

Mormiran

Thank you! This wedding planning is stressful as it is and I'm hoping to get some good advice here!

NYCBruin

LMc0322 said:

You're shitting me, right? When people ask people's advice on having an outdoor wedding in March and I say to have a backup plan? GOD I AM A HORRIBLE BITCH.

HOW DARE YOU POINT OUT THAT WEATHER HAPPENS!

But OP, chill, no one was rude or thinks that you're rude.  They just were pointing out that this is a bad idea.  It's ok, I've had about a million bad ideas while wedding planning and the ladies on this board have saved me from myself.

I still would suggest coming up with an alternate plan so that you can invite everyone you want, check out the Budget board, there are a lot of great suggestions on how to cut costs.

For example, opting for a non-meal time reception would really cut down your costs and maybe you could include everyone.

If you decide that you want a smaller reception or an evening reception and have to cut people, here are a few people we have cut:

People that you haven't seen in over a year

People who haven't met your FI (depending on how long you have been together, this might be a good indication that you aren't that close to the person)

Distant relatives you only see at other family weddings or funerals 

Anyone you don't really want there (cut those who you are only inviting b/c someone else is saying you "have" to invite them)

LisaA2014

Every post I read where you have commented, you've come off as superior and rude. Yet your speaking of rudeness. Blows my mind, but we have the same wedding date so MATCHIES! Love you.

[Deleted User]

Mormiran said:

I appreciate people's feedback and my response was not geared towards yours. My intention is not to get into a debate and I should have just responded to the individual as opposed to posting a general comment, that was my mistake. By posting the general comment, I was hoping to avoid further insults. My apologies.

No, I wasn't talking to you, dear.  Like I said, no one thinks you're rude.  It was just a rude idea.  We've all had them. Doesn't make anyone a bad person.  Sometimes you just need to hear it out loud or see what other people think to realize it!  Good luck with your planning.  It sounds like you want to cut so that you can have more of what you want-- sit down/plated dinner/nicer buffet, bar, etc.  Nothing wrong with that.  It'll be tough to make cuts, but you guys will work it out.  Just remember: If someone is mad at you that they didn't get invited, they're rude.  Weddings like that are expensive and it's not a free for all!

NYCBruin

LisaA2014 said:

Every post I read where you have commented, you've come off as superior and rude. Yet your you're speaking of rudeness. Blows my mind, but we have the same wedding date so MATCHIES! Love you.

Fixed your grammar error.

How is posting something like this NOT rude?

I'd like you to meet my friend.  His name is kettle.

[Deleted User]

LisaA2014 said:

Every post I read where you have commented, you've come off as superior and rude. Yet your speaking of rudeness. Blows my mind, but we have the same wedding date so MATCHIES! Love you.

It's the internet. It's not someone talking out loud, so you have no idea how I'd sound. Just because I don't want to tell someone their idea is fantastic doesn't make me rude.  I'd be much more rude if I told them how good of an idea it was when it might make their guests uncomfortable. There were things I didn't know before coming here. I'm thrilled people were blunt about it so I didn't make mistakes.

Mormiran

Weather isn't an issue and we aren't getting married in March, so check that off the list! Thank you for all of the advice, we will definitely be going through all of the suggestions and seeing what works best for us.

kellymiron

Try looking at "circles". First, cut people you haven't spoken to in 2-3 years. For family, cut out cousins, and then cut out aunts/uncles. If there is one cousin that you are close to, put them in the "friend's" circle. Sometimes you have to cut your wedding guest list quite small if you are cutting off whole circles of people. If you have a really small wedding, you can let your friends and family spread the word for you if there are any hurt feelings over not being invited. The other option is to just find a way to have a giant wedding- it's up to you. I also have a big family, so I understand that it is difficult to cut the list, but sometimes it's the best option.

Anastasia517

Make a list of all the grandparents, parents, siblings, and SOs.  Then add aunts, uncles, cousins,  and significant others.  Once you have all of those, see how many people you have out of 125.  If you are going to be sharing the 125 with your parents, see how many more people you can invite and then divide it.

This way prevents one side from getting to invite 3 couple friends while the other side gets to invite 20 couples, just because they have a smaller family.

[Deleted User]

NYCBruin said:

LisaA2014 said:

Every post I read where you have commented, you've come off as superior and rude. Yet your you're speaking of rudeness. Blows my mind, but we have the same wedding date so MATCHIES! Love you.

Fixed your grammar error.

How is posting something like this NOT rude?

I'd like you to meet my friend.  His name is kettle.

I like you.

libby2483

Please, please, please don't send out any sort of letter like that.  It would be horribly rude and offend many guests.  

When we considered which friends to invite, we asked ourselves, who do we call up and hang out one-on-one or as couples? If it was someone we only hang out with in a big group, they didn't make the list.  

In terms of relatives, we generally invited in circles, but made variations depending on how close we were with people.  For example, both of us invited all aunts and uncles, cousins, and cousins' kids on both sides.  On my mom's side, I invited my grandma's siblings, because I am very close with them, but not my grandpa's because I don't even know their names.  I invited some of my dad's cousins that I am close with and view more as aunts and uncles. My H did not invite any of his parents' cousins, as he doesn't know them.  This doesn't work in all families, because some people have different dynamics and easily offended extended families, but it worked for us.

Weesh

If I receive an invitation, I expect that regardless of when I reply (even if it's right before the deadline) that my invitation still stands.

As other posters have previously stated, there are numerous ways to cut your list or make your budget/venue larger in some way.  Please use those suggestions.  Honestly, if I saw this on the invitation, I wouldn't go. 

NYCBruin

LMc0322 said:

NYCBruin said:

LisaA2014 said:

Every post I read where you have commented, you've come off as superior and rude. Yet your you're speaking of rudeness. Blows my mind, but we have the same wedding date so MATCHIES! Love you.

Fixed your grammar error.

How is posting something like this NOT rude?

I'd like you to meet my friend.  His name is kettle.

I like you.

If I knew how to gif, I'd post one.  But alas, I haven't quite figured it out yet.  So, instead, I'll just say: right back at ya!

KDM323

My fiance's parents...and my parents...both anticipated we would have a 300 person wedding.

We both have LARGE Irish or Irish/Italian families.   I, personally, have 63 first cousins.

What we did was decide what we wanted (full open bar, nice venue, lots of food, etc), what type of venue, and then what our budget was.

We also decided we did not really want to invite cousins we have not seen in years, etc.

So...we came up with a range of inviting 100-125 people.

We each made a list of our friends that we wanted to invite.  We then turned around and gave each of our mothers a number of people THEY could invite.  Our only request to them was that all of our living Aunts/Uncles received an invitation and that they did not go past first cousins after that.

I left "wiggle room" in there to make sure that if they left out on person in a sibling group, etc...we could include them so that we didn't break up those "units" (not sure this was necessary, but I did it)

The first day or so....they were a bit offended.  Then, they got over it and gave us their respective lists.  It all worked out ok...and the cousins, etc we ARE inviting?  They are the ones who we see at holidays, BBQs, etc.  

Just sharing how we took a guest list from 300 to 128.  Might be something you can consider.

saric83

This is a little extreme, but for my side of the list, I had these questions for myself, and if any answers were no, they were cut from the list. 

Have I spoken to them in the previous two months?

Is this a person that is important enough in our lives that I personally let them know we were engaged (as in, called them or told them in person NOT via Facebook or a mass text message)?

Had they met my husband?   

 

Obviously, this doesn't work for everyone, but you just have to figure out your own criteria.  Think about who you both would truly miss if they couldn't be there and not who will have hurt feelings or be pissy about not being there.  Good luck! 

annathy03

My recommendations for guest cutting:

1) Cut people you haven't talked to in a few years.  If you only communicate on facebook, they'll see the pictures on facebook.

2) Cut people you wrote down because you went to their wedding but aren't as close to now.

3) For friends, if I traveled to where they live or they came here, would we meet up while in town?  If we absolutely would or actually have, I kept, if not, I cut.

4) For family, when we see each other at the holidays, do we talk?  Would I enjoy hanging out with them more often than just holidays?  Keep in mind circles don't have to be followed here (i.e it's acceptable to invite cousin you like and not cousin you don't), but that not keeping to circles will likely result in some hurt feelings or family drama.  Only you can decide if the money/space is worth that drama.

5) Look hard at kids.  For us, that was 40-50 people cut with one decision.  Circles are OK with kids too- inviting your nephew doesn't mean your college friends kids need invited.  I personally think kids are like adults and don't necessarily have to be circles, but again you risk hurt feelings there.

6) Unless your parents are contributing, limit them to X guests for their must-invites and let them make the hard cuts for their friends/family you're not close to.  If they're paying things get stickier, at the very least X is a bigger number.

My recommendations for cost cutting so you can invite more:

1) Look at hosting a lunch reception.  You have to get up and ready earlier, but food is cheaper and people drink less.

2) If you plan to host alcohol, look at offering beer and wine only, or beer and wine with a signature cocktail or two.

3) Check the budget board.  The first two are the most drastic cost cutters beyond cutting the guest list, but there is a lot that can be done to save.

Simply Fated

Here's the thing... it might have been your fiance's idea, but you were clearly considering it or you would have shut him down right away instead of asking us what we thought. And we told you what we thought. It's a terrible idea. There is no way to sugarcoat it. It can't be sugarcoated. It shouldn't be sugarcoated. It's a bad, bad idea. Please explain to your fiance that your wedding isn't a competition to see who can RSVP the fastest. At no point should this idea have entered any humble person's mind.
There is no way to say it any nicer, considering what your fiance is suggesting is so mean.