I need to say this someplace and maybe this is the right spot. I have been dealing with a severe back problem for a few years (severe enough to recently get approved for disability dating back to Aug 2011). I've pushed myself to walk when I can, most of the rest of my time is spent in bed...a big change for a former gym-rat. I make it through events when I need to and know that i'll be okay at the wedding (prob need some pain meds, but I can handle those fine).
The problem is that I can't get the image of me in my 1st dress out of my mind. I love my 2nd dress....that's not it...it's the body in the dress. I haven't gained weight (which is only b/c of a LOT of effort), but I have lost a lot of muscle (which does mean gaining fat in its place). In my 1st dress, you could see the toned shoulders and arms I worked SO hard for. There's one picture I see in my head every day where I am looking back over my shoulder and you can see all that hard work. I have body image issues but I still knew (and know now) that I looked fabulous...that is something I rarely say/see. I loved my upper body and it was a big part of my "look" that day
It is all gone. I cannot handle strength training (and really am not supposed to lift anything beyond a jug of water). I know there's a big reason for the change. I know I should applaud my work to at least maintain my general size (docs okay it but warn that i'll always hurt even more after a long walk....I do it anyway). I'm told I look lovely in my dress (still strapless), I look slim but not toned, something the gym rats used to call "skinny fat.". I can only see what's missing.
I love my FI. I am so happy to be marrying him. I had a great first wedding but a horrible first marriage....I have no doubt that I will have a great second marriage and am pretty confident about the wedding too (FI's first). But I'm having such trouble leaving behind the old body. I am scared it will haunt me on the big day (and making #2 different is key for me, fought hard to avoid a venue that reminded me of #1). I want to focus on it being a day to celebrate the love FI and I found...I don't want to get caught on anything else...
I know there's no quick and easy advice, but I needed to share (maybe "getting it out" will be part of what helps me leave it behind when April 27 rolls around)