2nd Wedding, 2nd Body

clg1213

I need to say this someplace and maybe this is the right spot.  I have been dealing with a severe back problem for a few years (severe enough to recently get approved for disability dating back to Aug 2011).  I've pushed myself to walk when I can, most of the rest of my time is spent in bed...a big change for a former gym-rat.  I make it through events when I need to and know that i'll be okay at the wedding (prob need some pain meds, but I can handle those fine).

The problem is that I can't get the image of me in my 1st dress out of my mind.  I love my 2nd dress....that's not it...it's the body in the dress.  I haven't gained weight (which is only b/c of a LOT of effort), but I have lost a lot of muscle (which does mean gaining fat in its place).  In my 1st dress, you could see the toned shoulders and arms I worked SO hard for.  There's one picture I see in my head every day where I am looking back over my shoulder and you can see all that hard work.  I have body image issues but I still knew (and know now) that I looked fabulous...that is something I rarely say/see.  I loved my upper body and it was a big part of my "look" that day

It is all gone.  I cannot handle strength training (and really am not supposed to lift anything beyond a jug of water).  I know there's a big reason for the change.  I know I should applaud my work to at least maintain my general size (docs okay it but warn that i'll always hurt even more after a long walk....I do it anyway).  I'm told I look lovely in my dress (still strapless), I look slim but not toned, something the gym rats used to call "skinny fat.".  I can only see what's missing.   

I love my FI.  I am so happy to be marrying him.  I had a great first wedding but a horrible first marriage....I have no doubt that I will have a great second marriage and am pretty confident about the wedding too (FI's first).  But I'm having such trouble leaving behind the old body.  I am scared it will haunt me on the big day (and making #2 different is key for me, fought hard to avoid a venue that reminded me of #1).  I want to focus on it being a day to celebrate the love FI and I found...I don't want to get caught on anything else...

I know there's no quick and easy advice, but I needed to share (maybe "getting it out" will be part of what helps me leave it behind when April 27 rolls around)

MikesAngie

I hope getting it out does help.  

I too suffer from body issues and was until my 40's under weight to healthy and very toned.  I suffered a loss (my dad passed) and back injury and boom I ballooned up in weight because my exH was a control freak and demanded that I eat everything he put on the plate, he did all the cooking and preferred me heavy. Before we divorced which was messy I was getting back down to a healthy weight and in decent shape - except for my arms.  

I wore a strapless dress for mine and DH's wedding and everyone thought it was lovely. There was little I could do about my arms; but hey I married an amazing man and our photographs are lovely.  Do I wish I had been younger and in better shape - in a way - but it's life's lessons that brought us to where we are and I wouldn't change that. 

As one ages one's body changes, hair gets gray, skin loses tone - but that isn't what matters it's who you are as a person that counts. 

You will no doubt be a stunning bride who will make your FI beam with pride.  Give yourself a little love and be as kind to yourself as you are to others. 

Edited to make sense.

clg1213

Thank you for the lovely (and understanding) message

Sue-n-Kevin

I didn't have anything to compare my second wedding to because I had my first marriage at 56 two years ago. It was my husband's 3rd marriage, which is how I found this topic board and the lovely ladies here.

Few of us look as good as we did in our 20's. I had the "chicken arms" on the underside of my upper arms, so I wore a strapless dress, but had a lace bolero over it.

I've had to give up so many old mental pictures of myself after 2 kids (one a c-section). But I found a guy who loves me as I am.

I'm sorry to hear about all the challenges you've had, but I'm sure your soon to be husband will love how you look on this most special day.

kryan32

I'm sorry you're feeling this way - these boards are a great place to vent and get advice. 

You know your FI loves you for who you are and thinks you are a beautiful and amazing person.  Maybe it will help you to picture yourself through his eyes instead of through the eyes of the "gym rats."

Another thing to try is - what would you tell your best friend if she came to you and said she was feeling this way?  Wouldn't you tell her that she's being way too hard and judgemental of herself and that she needs to see how much progress she's made and celebrate the good things about herself?  You have to cut yourself the same slack you would offer a friend you know - it's your job to be your own best friend.

Hugs!

 

clg1213

Funny -- I give that same best friend advice SO often!  But I am horrible at following it myself.  

Just gotta keep going and listen to the kind advice.