Gathering Addresses and Stationery Etiquette

mliss2218

Hello all!

I have a couple of questions about invitation etiquette. 

Is there a protocol for gathering addresses? How is the done, phone calls, email, or facebook messaging? Are mass emails and facebook messages considered rude? 

Are save the dates sent to every party on your guest list, both A and B lists, or only the A list?

Speaking of the A list and B list, would you only ask the A list for their addresses and hold off on the B list? If you hold off on the B list, then when do you acquire their addresses? After the A list RSVPs are returned?

Thanks for your help!

Peaseblossom55

I would start out by not have a B list that is incredibly rude and frowned upon.

Otherwise I don't think it matters how you obtain addresses.

misshart00

Peaseblossom55 said:

I would start out by not have a B list that is incredibly rude and frowned upon.

Otherwise I don't think it matters how you obtain addresses.

All of this. And I don't think I would do a mass email or Facebook message. Just message each person or ask your family if they know sone addresses. There's not really a protocol.

wrigleyville

We asked our parents for the relatives' addresses (our moms had them in their address books) and then gathered our friends addresses through phone calls if we didn't have them already. There were a couple of relatives we didn't have addresses or phone numbers for, so we sent them private FB messages. That probably isn't preferred, but we didn't have any other way to contact them.

Please don't do a B-list. Budget for the number you need and invite that many people. If people decline, that gives you more money to spend on upgrades and/or your honeymoon.

efmcc67

Ditto PPs. Don't B-list, because the B-listed guests will figure it out and they'll be hurt. I don't care what modern "etiquette" guides say. B-listing is still hurtful. Otherwise, contact people however you'd usually contact them. Definitely stay away from anything public, like FB wall posts or mass email. I PMed a few people on FB, emailed others, and called others.

harper0813

I just want to emphasize how hurtful B-lists are. Just invite as many as you can afford to accommodate. If you have extra declines, use the money you save to upgrade the bar or order more passed apps.

KDM323

mliss2218 said:

Hello all!

I have a couple of questions about invitation etiquette. 

Is there a protocol for gathering addresses? How is the done, phone calls, email, or facebook messaging? Are mass emails and facebook messages considered rude? 

Are save the dates sent to every party on your guest list, both A and B lists, or only the A list?

Speaking of the A list and B list, would you only ask the A list for their addresses and hold off on the B list? If you hold off on the B list, then when do you acquire their addresses? After the A list RSVPs are returned?

Thanks for your help!

There shouldn't be an "A" list and a "B" list...that's horribly rude.

As for how you gather addresses...I had many of the addresses.  Otherwise, I asked my Mom (or my fiance's Mom) for addresses I didn't have.  If I still couldn't get the address, I called and asked the individual what their address was.

Bubbles2014

Don't B list. I've been b listed, and it hurt. I'd rather not be invited.

And don't send STDs to anyone who you aren't definitely inviting. STD = invite. 

As for getting address, I just text my friends and asked for theirs. My parents had the family and family friend addresses. FI either knew them or text/called and asked.

MayDay513

mliss2218 said:

Hello all!

I have a couple of questions about invitation etiquette. 

Is there a protocol for gathering addresses? How is the done, phone calls, email, or facebook messaging? Are mass emails and facebook messages considered rude? 

Are save the dates sent to every party on your guest list, both A and B lists, or only the A list?

Speaking of the A list and B list, would you only ask the A list for their addresses and hold off on the B list? If you hold off on the B list, then when do you acquire their addresses? After the A list RSVPs are returned?

Thanks for your help!

I know someone who sent mass texts.

phira

Receiving a save-the-date or wedding invitation doesn't need to be a surprise. That is, if you need someone's address, just ask them for it. Yes, they'll know that they'll be receiving something in the mail, but the alternative is not inviting them, so ... yeah.

Don't B-list. At all.

It's okay to come up with a "must invite" list and a "hopefully invite" list when you're starting to plan the guest list. But once you have your venue squared away, and you know how many people you can afford and how many people you can fit, send out one batch of invitations, and that's it. Don't over-invite. Don't send out a second batch if "enough" people decline. One final guest list.

If someone gives you a hard time about not inviting them, or not inviting someone they wanted you to invite, just emphasize budget/venue limitations, say you're sorry you can't invite everyone, and (if it's someone upset they weren't invited) offer to grab dinner with them to spend some time together. But don't have a B list.

mliss2218

So, obviously I'm concerned about following proper etiquette. I mean, I'm asking for etiquette advice on gathering addresses. Which seems to have little, if any, guidelines. 

But now I'm confused. There shouldn't be a B list? I thought the B list was to help if you are limited on space, which we are. The A list are the people that will definitely get invitations, regardless if you know they will not attend, and the B list are those that you can invite after you receive declined RSVPs from the A list. For example: Our Aunt K from Canada is on the A list but we know she will not attend the wedding in Miami. (she's ill, elderly, busy, etc.)  However, we still send her an invitation to announce the wedding. Then once she sends her regrets, we invite someone from the B list.

So, we just invite everyone and pray that there is enough food and they all fit? Or account for people like Aunt K and send out invites to the same number of people on the old B list.

To me, the B list was more like a waiting list. I was just following what the knot article suggested, see below.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/how-to-make-your-wedding-guest-list.aspx?page=2

mliss2218

Oh! Thank you phira! That clears up everything for me!

wrigleyville

The Knot articles are to be taken with a grain of salt.

Here's what we did:

We sent STDs to the people we knew we absolutely wanted to be there, i.e. close family and our best friends. STDs really aren't necessary unless people have to plan flights and vacation time and such, so if most of your guest list is local, you can actually save some money by skipping these.

Once the guest list was finalized, those are the people we sent invitations to. Anyone who gets an STD has to get an invitation, so that's why you want to be careful with who you send STDs to.

If people decline, you use that money to either upgrade your food and bar package or splurge on the honeymoon, something like that.

Some people will tell you to plan for 10-20% to decline, but never rely on that. I know brides who had 95-100% attendance and got totally screwed because they hadn't planned on that many. Always plan for 100% and then use that money for other stuff (or put it in savings) if you get some declines.

Additionally, even though some people may decline, you may have a few extra people show up who didn't RSVP (like if someone just assumes they can bring a guest). Or, you might get people who RSVP'd no and then decided they could make it and didn't tell you. If you don't B-list, that gives you some wiggle room for those surprises.

efmcc67

wrigleyville said:

The Knot articles are to be taken with a grain of salt.

Here's what we did:

We sent STDs to the people we knew we absolutely wanted to be there, i.e. close family and our best friends. STDs really aren't necessary unless people have to plan flights and vacation time and such, so if most of your guest list is local, you can actually save some money by skipping these.

Once the guest list was finalized, those are the people we sent invitations to. Anyone who gets an STD has to get an invitation, so that's why you want to be careful with who you send STDs to.

If people decline, you use that money to either upgrade your food and bar package or splurge on the honeymoon, something like that.

Some people will tell you to plan for 10-20% to decline, but never rely on that. I know brides who had 95-100% attendance and got totally screwed because they hadn't planned on that many. Always plan for 100% and then use that money for other stuff (or put it in savings) if you get some declines.

Additionally, even though some people may decline, you may have a few extra people show up who didn't RSVP (like if someone just assumes they can bring a guest). Or, you might get people who RSVP'd no and then decided they could make it and didn't tell you. If you don't B-list, that gives you some wiggle room for those surprises.

The bolded is important. Our invites went out about two weeks ago, and I've already gotten a number of RSVPs back. Several people have said "yes" that I really thought would say "no." If I hadn't planned for 100% acceptance, I'd be in trouble!

snoopycac

As for getting addresses, i know this may not be the most ideal way to go, i sent out a mass personal message on fb. People either replied to that message if they were comfotable while others messaged me privately. I had very few addresses for my guests to begin with so I needed pretty much everybody's.

harper0813

mliss2218 said:

So, obviously I'm concerned about following proper etiquette. I mean, I'm asking for etiquette advice on gathering addresses. Which seems to have little, if any, guidelines. 

But now I'm confused. There shouldn't be a B list? I thought the B list was to help if you are limited on space, which we are. The A list are the people that will definitely get invitations, regardless if you know they will not attend, and the B list are those that you can invite after you receive declined RSVPs from the A list. For example: Our Aunt K from Canada is on the A list but we know she will not attend the wedding in Miami. (she's ill, elderly, busy, etc.)  However, we still send her an invitation to announce the wedding. Then once she sends her regrets, we invite someone from the B list.

So, we just invite everyone and pray that there is enough food and they all fit? Or account for people like Aunt K and send out invites to the same number of people on the old B list.

To me, the B list was more like a waiting list. I was just following what the knot article suggested, see below.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/how-to-make-your-wedding-guest-list.aspx?page=2

Many people who decline wait until the last minute or forget to RSVP at all. We've only gotten six declines. And guests who we know are unable to make it (already planned trips, other wedding the same day) still haven't RSVP'd. FI's grandma, who is too ill to attend, also hasn't RSVP'd and she doesn't do anything but watch TV all day.

Don't listen to the articles on here - they were written to earn the wedding industry money, not to help you treat your guests in the best way possible.

Pare down your list to who you can accommodate. Trust me on this one. You will save yourself ruined relationships, stress, and a lot of money.

wrigleyville

In addition to the people who forget to RSVP "no", my parents are those people who always forget to RSVP "yes". It's infuriating. My mom always figures they can find room for them and that there will be extra food. She won't listen to reason. I've given up.

MoxieMickie

For people who don't get their addresses to you and you can't get through others (and yet you still want to invite?) I like zabasearch.com
You can also check local property tax records if they own.
Definitely plan for 100% attendance. You never know when your mother's college roommate accepts her "courtesy invitation" because she will be in the area for business.

crunchymamaof2

Having a B list is definitely something you shouldn't do. Articles on the Knot and similar places will tell you to do that because they want to make money. Inviting more people means more money. So don't take their advice as gold.

Unfortunately, unless you have a very large budget, there will be hard cuts to make. The first thing you need to do is figure out your guest list and your budget. Once those are decided upon you need to find a way to host them all properly. Maybe you couldn't afford a Saturday night sit down dinner for 175 guests, but a Sunday afternoon cake and punch reception is do-able.

If your venue can only hold a certain number and your guest list is over that you either need to find a new venue or scale back the list (as long as STDs weren't sent). It's best to invite/eliminate in circles but not mandatory. If your list is over cutting out all co-workers could remedy that situation easily. Or, maybe you're close to your 1st cousins but rarely speak to 2nd and 3rd cousins. You don't have to invite them. A good rule of thumb I've heard is to ask yourself "Would I spend $100 to have dinner with this person?" or "can I still picture this person in my life 5 years from now?"

I know you didn't ask how to cut the guest list but if you already have an A & B list you need to cut back or figure out how to host everyone.

As for addresses, I just e-mailed/called/facebooked/texted those I needed or asked family if they had.

Good luck!

Blue_Bird

mliss2218 said:

Oh! Thank you phira! That clears up everything for me!

I'm glad you realize now why this is ill-advised. In fact here's a horror story that was adjacent to the Knot article you linked:

"We decided to make an A-list and a B-list of the guests we wanted to invite. Unfortunately, my fiance decided to keep track by marking A or B on the back corner of each invitation. It didn't take long before our guests caught on and the angry calls started streaming in."

I was on a B list s well, and rather than be angry, I was just hurt and declined.

As for gathering addresses, I would avoid mass Facebook messages, and send people messages privately, or better yet, call. :-)