Dinner Etiquette Question

Alexandreina

I am a "mature" bride (LOL) and this will not be a first wedding for either myself or my fiance'.  Indeed, we are dispensing with the wedding portion of the proceedings entirely and plan to instead spend on a nice honeymoon.  However, we would LIKE to mark the day we make it legal in a fun way.  Our thought is that we'll simply go down and do our paperwork and then just go out to a nice dinner that evening, dressed up but not over the top.  We would LIKE to invite about a dozen of our friends to join us but I am curious... If we do are we obliged and/or expected to pay for everyone's meals?  We would be making it clear that this is NOT a gifting occasion (really, we have everything we need!) if that makes any difference.  We WOULD very likely be buying a round or two of drinks however!    Advice is eagerly sought!  Thank you!

jessicabessica

I would pay for everyone's meals if you invite them out to celebrate with you, and you definitely should pay if you are inviting them to witness the wedding (I cannot tell if you're saying just dinner or paperwork + dinner).  Pick a restaurant you can afford.  With a dozen people, you can probably talk to the restaurant about having a set menu so you can control costs a bit.  You could print up little menus with what is offered, which will make it feel more festive, too.  Happy planning!

aurianna

If you do any sort of formal invitation, you need to pay.
And if any of these friends actually watch your wedding, you need to host them at a reception afterwards.

You can probably get away with a very casual, word-of-mouth something like, "Fiance and I are getting married in a private wedding this weekend! We're excited. If anyone wants to hang out after, we'll be having dinner Saturday night at restaurant XYZ. Feel free to join us!" but even that can be tricky. You have to not make it all about your wedding. And you can't act like it's an event you're hosting and inviting people to, or you need to pay. ETA: Eh... on second though, I wouldn't even try this. It works out better in cases like people who want to go parting after a daytime wedding reception or things like that. If there's NO reception it's just too sketchy.

Probably best to do what Jessica suggests.
ETA: Because then you can officially invite exactly who you want there and really talk about and celebrate the wedding. Otherwise you'd be inviting people out after a wedding, wanting to celebrate your wedding, wanting to talk about your wedding... but if you aren't paying for their meal... it's kind of like expecting people to go out to an expensive place they might not otherwise go, act all excited for you, maybe even buy a gift... but really be feeling like, "I had to spend my weekend celebrating a wedding I wasn't invited to by paying for my own food."
While that is certainly obviously not your intention, that's sort of what it boils down to.

OH! And as to this:
"We would be making it clear that this is NOT a gifting occasion"

Don't mention gifts at all. By mentioning gifts at all it gives the indication that you otherwise would have expected gifts. Also some people wouldn't feel right attending a wedding reception without one so it's wrong to refuse them if they want to. Just don't register and if anyone asks what you want just say "We have everything we need. All we want is your well-wishes / the pleasure of your company."

Abbyjensen

I think if you just invited everyone out to a bar (like a real bar, not a dinner/bar place) for drinks casually- by text or phone call a few days before- and bought everyone a round or two of drinks then you would be fine. If you did dinner you should pay.

Viczaesar

Alexandreina said:

I am a "mature" bride (LOL) and this will not be a first wedding for either myself or my fiance'.  Indeed, we are dispensing with the wedding portion of the proceedings entirely and plan to instead spend on a nice honeymoon.  However, we would LIKE to mark the day we make it legal in a fun way.  Our thought is that we'll simply go down and do our paperwork and then just go out to a nice dinner that evening, dressed up but not over the top.  We would LIKE to invite about a dozen of our friends to join us but I am curious... If we do are we obliged and/or expected to pay for everyone's meals?  We would be making it clear that this is NOT a gifting occasion (really, we have everything we need!) if that makes any difference.  We WOULD very likely be buying a round or two of drinks however!    Advice is eagerly sought!  Thank you!

Yes, you are.

NYCBruin

StageManager14 said:

You ARE having a wedding, for Pete sake. The ceremony that makes you guys legally married is a wedding. If you invite people to dinner to celebrate (or invite them to the courthouse at all) you need to pay for their meals. If you don't want to pay, do the courthouse alone, have a private romantic dinner, then spread the word you will be hanging out at X bar later that night. If people choose to join you then, you aren't expected to pay.

This.  People have been having weddings for thousands of years.  Long before brides wore white dresses, diamonds became commonplace for engagement rings, photographers even existed or any of the other "traditional" wedding trappings people think are necessary today.  It's the act of getting married that makes it a wedding.  Everything else is just extra.

Jen4948

If you don't want to pay for anyone, don't invite anyone.

LavenderHoneyBee

Liatris2010 said:

Alexandreina said:

I am a "mature" bride (LOL) and this will not be a first wedding for either myself or my fiance'.  Indeed, we are dispensing with the wedding portion of the proceedings entirely and plan to instead spend on a nice honeymoon.  However, we would LIKE to mark the day we make it legal in a fun way.  Our thought is that we'll simply go down and do our paperwork and then just go out to a nice dinner that evening, dressed up but not over the top.  We would LIKE to invite about a dozen of our friends to join us but I am curious... If we do are we obliged and/or expected to pay for everyone's meals?  We would be making it clear that this is NOT a gifting occasion (really, we have everything we need!) if that makes any difference.  We WOULD very likely be buying a round or two of drinks however!    Advice is eagerly sought!  Thank you!

If you invite, you pay. If you only want to buy drinks, go for dinner the two of you and then invite everyone to join you for a few rounds.

If you go the dinner route, a lot of restaurants will over a limited, fixed priced menu for a big group of people, so you might look into that as an affordable option.

This is a great idea, maybe pick a cute wine bar where you can buy a few bottles of wine to provide for everyone? 

Alexandreina

Thanks for the replies folks...even the slightly snarky ones! LOL  My feeling was that we should indeed pay if we go the dinner route and we may do just that.  So thanks for the confirmation.  Although I have to say I kind of love the wine bar idea as well so I'll have to consider that!

cbrown828

Ugh....blunt and honest =/= snarky. Lordy.