Gift giving

BrandNewJ

Hello everyone! I've been a long time lurker and first time poster. I have a question re: gift giving in this particular situation. My friend from college is getting married next year. They have sent their STDs via email with their wedding site included. On the front page they say that they are having a ceremony, dinner and dessert, however that all guests should not expect an invite to all, rather, the majority of us will get invitations only to a dessert social. So the people invited to the ceremony are the only guests getting dinner. I spoke with her before the site came out and she was telling me all about her plans and self proclaimed bridezilla tendencies. She will be inviting 200 people to the ceremony/dinner and an additional 150 (350 guests total) to the dessert reception. In this midst, I was informed that I am part of the group of "dessert reception only" group. Personally, this seems a bit gift grabby to me, but of course I and FI plan on attending to show our support for her and him. So my question is, if we are invited to this dessert reception only what is gift giving etiquette? What type of budget would be appropriate for all gifts (engagement, shower and wedding)? Thank you all so much for your help!!

KDM323

Personally?  I'd give them a card....*if* I even bothered to attend.

What she is planning is VERY tacky...I wouldn't feel obligated at ALL to purchase a gift and I wouldn't attend any pre-wedding parties.

MayDay513

BrandNewJ said:

Hello everyone! I've been a long time lurker and first time poster. I have a question re: gift giving in this particular situation. My friend from college is getting married next year. They have sent their STDs via email with their wedding site included. On the front page they say that they are having a ceremony, dinner and dessert, however that all guests should not expect an invite to all, rather, the majority of us will get invitations only to a dessert social. So the people invited to the ceremony are the only guests getting dinner. I spoke with her before the site came out and she was telling me all about her plans and self proclaimed bridezilla tendencies. She will be inviting 200 people to the ceremony/dinner and an additional 150 (350 guests total) to the dessert reception. In this midst, I was informed that I am part of the group of "dessert reception only" group. Personally, this seems a bit gift grabby to me, but of course I and FI plan on attending to show our support for her and him. So my question is, if we are invited to this dessert reception only what is gift giving etiquette? What type of budget would be appropriate for all gifts (engagement, shower and wedding)? Thank you all so much for your help!!

Personally, I would decline. You give gifts based on your budget, your relationship with the individual and not on how they host their reception. Don't give them a gift that "compensates for your meal" or in this case lack thereof.

I have rarely seen on TK the engagement gift thing, I would skip that. Shower gift is your own budget. Sometimes for bachelorette party, the BP may ask you bring a pair of panties for the bride.

Jen4948

What they're doing is called "tiered hospitality" and it's intensely rude.  She should be inviting everyone to everything, not having "dinner receptions" and "dessert-only receptions." 

You're right, it's gift-grabby.  I wouldn't even accept the invitation, but since you're planning to do that anyway, I'd give whatever you think is appropriate, ahead of or after the wedding (don't bring the gift with you). 

You are not expected to "cover your plate" (although in the circumstances, it would be appropriate to give a smaller gift or none at all considering you are not invited to the whole thing).

BrandNewJ

I love the personal opinions! The frankness of the group is why I chose to post, because I really do take all the comments to heart to make decisions. Thank you so much @drexel, that's what FI said. He said we shouldn't even go, but since she's my friend, it's going to be my choice. We'll discuss it more when more etiquette advice is given. Thank you!!

astimmel

drexelkathy said:

Personally?  I'd give them a card....*if* I even bothered to attend.

What she is planning is VERY tacky...I wouldn't feel obligated at ALL to purchase a gift and I wouldn't attend any pre-wedding parties.

No class, no gift!   Ok, maybe that's a little mean, but I think this situation calls for just a card.

NYCBruin

EEK!  I would decline.  I would not give any gift in this case.  This is a blatant gift-grab.  By tiering her reception she's telling you that you're good enough to give a gift but not good enough to be properly hosted.  

There's no "appropriate budget" for gifts.  I give different amounts depending on my personal budget at the time and how close I am to the couple.  If you do end up going, I think a card would suffice. 

If you attend the shower though, you should bring a gift as that's the purpose of a shower.  But you absolutely do not have to attend the shower either.

BrandNewJ

We've given them a 50$ gift card to BB&B for their engagement party prior to finding out we weren't going to be invited to the ceremony and dinner

NYCBruin

BrandNewJ said:

We've given them a 50$ gift card to BB&B for their engagement party prior to finding out we weren't going to be invited to the ceremony and dinner

Yeah, I would not give them any more gifts then.

KDM323

That was very thoughtful of you!

I'm sorry that your friend hurt your feelings this way.  I'd be re-evaluating the friendship if I were you.

BrandNewJ

Thank you so much everyone! I showed all this to FI and he agrees with all of in thinking they don't really want us there, so why go? I may reconsider since we haven't RSVP'd yet.

doeydo

The reception is supposed to be one event as a whole, not dinner and reception as two different things.  Also, anyone put on the "dessert only" portion of the reception would probably feel like a second rate guest.  If I were you, I don't think I would get them anything other than a card.

misssunshine17

Skip it. Seriously, their plan is so tacky. Why would you want to show up to an event for one slice of cake at 8pm when you weren't even invited to the actual part you're supposedly celebrating?

libby2483

This bride is beyond rude.  I've never understood people who do tiered receptions.  Seriously, what are you supposed to do in between the ceremony and the dance? Go home? Get Taco Bell? 

I think that the $50 GC you have already given is generous enough.  In your shoes, I would decline and not send a gift.

cruffino

BrandNewJ said:

We've given them a 50$ gift card to BB&B for their engagement party prior to finding out we weren't going to be invited to the ceremony and dinner

I think you've given enough. If you attend the reception, maybe a card, but nothing more. 

Dreamergirl8812

Definitely decline. And I would be completely honest if she asks why you declined. Your friend is acting like an asshole and the other people in her life apparently aren't being honest about that.

Bubbles2014

I wouldn't get her a gift, just a card. What she is doing is really rude. I'd probably go though, because I love dessert.

RebeccaB88

I'm on Team Decline as well.  And I'd seriously be regretting that gift card I'd already given them, as well as seriously re-evaluating the friendship. Bless her heart...no one has the guts to tell her how rude she is.

Xstatic3333

I don't know why people think this is okay! It's getting more and more common. I would be very hurt and decline. I think the bride will really come to regret her decision.

Peaseblossom55

I agree with not attending, but if you do bring a card, and no gift.

tammym1001

So wait... you're close enough to her for her to invite you to her engagement party which I'm assuming was less than 200 people, but you aren't close enough to her to be invited as part of the 200 that get dinner at her wedding? She's really rude and if it were me I wouldn't go.

bethsmiles

I would not attend and I would not give a gift. I'd seriously reconsider my friendship with this individual as well.

LondonLisa

I would be seriously re-evaluating my friendship with this person if they did that to me. Would you have a dinner party and then only invite a couple people to come for dessert? I'm in the card-only camp.

I once went to a wedding where they had a tiered reception (I had no idea as we were invited to the whole event). They got the timing wrong and some of the evening guests turned up as we were finishing our meal. They had to stand around along the side of the room as we ate. It was one of the most awkward moments I have ever seen at a wedding. To be fair, this wedding was a complete etiquette train wreck from the beginning so there were a lot of awkward moments to chose from (honeymoon registry listed on the invitation, cash bar- including having to pay for soft drinks, 4 hour gap etc) but this was the only one that seemed really hurtful as they were so obviously "B" guests. To this day we have not received a thank you note from this wedding nor heard a peep from the Bride and Groom. Needless to say that couple is off the Christmas Card list in our friend circle.

It just goes to show that people will show their true colours during life events and I'm sorry to say that your friend doesn't sound like too nice of a person right now. Definitely no gift!

GlassButton

It does really gift grabby. I personally wouldn't go and then just send a card.

If you'd like to go then just give her the amount you think she'll spend on desserts. I'd give a gift card of $50 ($25 per person attending) to where she's registered.

MayDay513

GlassButton said:

It does really gift grabby. I personally wouldn't go and then just send a card. If you'd like to go then just give her the amount you think she'll spend on desserts. I'd give a gift card of $50 ($25 per person attending) to where she's registered.

NOT THIS! You don't buy a gift to compensate for your attendance cost of a wedding.

manateehugger

GlassButton said:

It does really gift grabby. I personally wouldn't go and then just send a card. If you'd like to go then just give her the amount you think she'll spend on desserts. I'd give a gift card of $50 ($25 per person attending) to where she's registered.

And the bizarre advice continues. Gifts are never required, and they certainly aren't meant to reimburse the couple on their hosting costs.

GlassButton

jss0302 said:

@glasssbutton OP has already given the couple a $50 gift card. Why should they bother getting another gift card when they aren't special enough to actually watch the ceremony?

Yup, you're right. She shouldn't. I wouldn't even go. I only suggested it if she wished to go.

MayDay513

GlassButton said:

@glasssbutton OP has already given the couple a $50 gift card. Why should they bother getting another gift card when they aren't special enough to actually watch the ceremony?

Yup, you're right. She shouldn't. I wouldn't even go. I only suggested it if she wished to go.

But even if OP wished to go, she should not have to sit there and estimate the cost of her & FI's dessert and use that amount as a gift.

GlassButton

huynhette said:

GlassButton said:

It does really gift grabby. I personally wouldn't go and then just send a card.

If you'd like to go then just give her the amount you think she'll spend on desserts. I'd give a gift card of $50 ($25 per person attending) to where she's registered.

NOT THIS! You don't buy a gift to compensate for your attendance cost of a wedding.


I agree with you 100%. The reason I suggested the gift was if she decided to go. Even though her friend was clearly rude to her I still wouldn't show up empty handed.

Also, it seems like this couple is only after gifts when they're clearly b-listing individuals. So, if Im invited to an event where the couple is expecting a gift I wouldn't go. If I absolutely had to then I'd just them the bare minimum. Why? Because they obviously need the money. But I'd like to emphasize I would not attend.

GlassButton

huynhette said:

GlassButton said:

jss0302 said:

@glasssbutton OP has already given the couple a $50 gift card. Why should they bother getting another gift card when they aren't special enough to actually watch the ceremony?

Yup, you're right. She shouldn't. I wouldn't even go. I only suggested it if she wished to go.

But even if OP wished to go, she should not have to sit there and estimate the cost of her & FI's dessert and use that amount as a gift.


You're again right. She shouldn't have to. However, I just always give back what I believe was spent on myself when I go somewhere I really don't want to go and is a gift grabbing event. I barely go to those (I've only gone 2 because I had to). Why do I give it back? I have no clue. I just do it because I feel if you invite me to such a thing you're desperate for money. I'm not giving you more but I'm also not leaving you with less.

If it's an event I am gladly going then I just give depending on the circumstance.

NYCMercedes

If you like to party, I'd go as weddings are usually a blast. Do not bring anything but your well wishes.