Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest List Problem - How many people does each family "get" to invite?

My FH and I are having a wedding within our budget - therefore we are limited to the amount of people we can have (and the venue can hold) - that number is between 150 & 160 total. 

My parents are funding the wedding and my FH and I are helping out where possible (BP/GM gifts, flowers, DIY centerpieces and probably the rehearsal dinner). My FH's family is not funding anything for the wedding or Rehearsal Dinner. Thus far they have not offered to help with much either, I got the half-hearted, Let me know what I can do and I will see if I can fit it in emails from them but nothing else.

Since my FHs parents are divorced, my FMIL decided for me that it would only be fair if each family got to invite 60 people - so 60 people for my family, 60 people for my FMILs family, and 60 people for my FFILs family. That's already 10 people over our +/- count that our budget will allow.

We don't want to skimp on things like open bar & transportation to/from the hotel/venue so we had to keep the budget tight and on point. We picked our priorities and want to keep them even if it means missing out on something else like fresh flowers or a sunset boat ride for pictures...

My FH's family (in total) is about 95% bigger than my family and I have only met a few people from my FHs family throughout the last 12 years that I have known my FH. Just for some true to life perspective - FHs family would be well over 100 people (siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that are 21+) since he has already had the initial counts/requests for spots come in from his mom & dad/stepmom - My family would be a total of 6 people ( that is if I include my one aunt whom I don't speak with anymore but my dad wants me to invite and another cousin of my mothers).

I've already cut all of my friends off the guest list to accommodate their family but I am getting upset every time I have to tell my friends, who are more like a family to me since mine is very small, that it looks like it is going to be a family only wedding. And most of my friends know my family isn't more than 6 people so they are questioning me who is actually invited... :(

Would it be impolite to tell them each family (mine & my FHs) each get 80 people and between my FMIL,  my FFIL and FH they will have to figure it out among themselves?

I was also thinking of doing something I absolutely despise - having a B-List of attendees - so that if someone can't make it then they can invite someone else. Is that an incorrect thing to do?

I am looking for a viable solution so I don't have very pissed off future in-laws.

 

 

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Re: Guest List Problem - How many people does each family "get" to invite?

  • kereriekererie member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2013

    My parents already gave me a list - they have about 60 people (our very small family and their friends) - most of who I grew up with so I would've invited them anyways.

    I am not comfortable using any of the remaining spots for my personal friends because my FHs family is so big.

    My FH says he doesn't want to exclude any particular part or group of his family because they are all close. So that's another challenge I am dealing with.

    Guest list planning is no fun.

     

  • No fun! One of my daughter's in-laws planned their family reunion on my nickel. Your FI needs to be respectful of your family's budget. I believe your parents should discuss numbers with you and your FI together. Good luck!
  • hordolhordol member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    edited July 2013
    If your parents are paying and his parents aren't contributing anything, then they do not get to decide how the guest list will be split. That is ridiculous.

    However, if your FI has a larger family, I can see how doing a 50/50 split wouldn't work or be fair.

    My suggestion would be for the two of you to each make a list of who you want to invite and mark the ones that you absolutely, without a doubt will be inviting 100%. See what that number is, and don't worry so much about if you only have 40 and your FI has 60, but just see where it puts you. Then start adding the people that you would love to invite if there is enough room. It's not fair for you to exclude your friends, especially if your parents are paying, but it's also not fair to expect your FI to exclude people either. I would say just start by making the essential guest list and then add people until you reach your max. If that means your FI has to cut out part of his family, then so be it.

    The guest list is the HARDEST part. There's no perfect way to go about it.

    ETA: Reread the thread a bit. I think it would be fine to tell your FFIL and FMIL that you have X spots available for their families and hopefully they can work it out. They might not like it, but if was awfully presumptuous of FMIL to suggest the 60/60/60 split in the first place. Just explain to her that your parents set the budget, and since they are paying you want to make sure that you invite the people they requested. The budget only allows for 160, and you have given them what is left over. Reasonable people should be able to understand that. :)
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  • @Fyrefly - no matter how my family pushed/pulled it we weren't going to be able to accommodate 200 or more people. We just don't have that kind of money and if we did it wasn't going to be the wedding that my FH and I wanted (ei: fun & more of party than a formal wedding). Hence, why my FH and I picked a venue that had a "person" limit for the room. Prior to the planning, we had discussed size/cost etc and we decided 160 was doable...that was before the future in-laws got involved.

    I guess it's that I feel guilty because my family can't accommodate or afford to have his entire family at the wedding - hence why I already took off all of my personal friends and my parents have pared down their list to the bare minimum. Plus, I was caught really off guard by the email not asking me but telling me how many people I could invite to the wedding so that they could invite their family & friends.

    @Phira - thank you. I am going to make my FH talk to his family about the guest list issue. I am just petrified of the fallout from his parents, well his stepmom and dad who have already told me that it is disappointing to have the wedding on a Friday and they are hurt my FH isn't communicating every single detail to them as we decide. My parents don't even get that much information and we live 3 miles apart!

  • phira said:
    It's OKAY if your fiance has a bigger family and therefore you invite more of "his" people, but it's not okay for your future in-laws to demand to make up 2/3rds of the guest list (for the wedding YOUR family is paying for).

    Finally, talk with your fiance about being on "team you." You two need to decide what to do together, and he should be the person to stand up to his family and act as a buffer.

    This.

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  • My FH and I are going through that right now. Both sets of parents and us are contributing though. I want to invite around 300 people total and with our last look over at the lists, we were at 390 for "ideal" and 345 for "must invite". My entire guest list, friends and family is 123 total and FH's family is 130. The rest are friends and coworkers of FH's and he is having a hard time cutting his list down.

    I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell FMIL and FFIL they get X number of people, and your FH gets X number and your parents get X number and you get X number. If FMIL pushes for more, tell her that the number is all she gets due to space at the venue. Since FMIL nor FFIL are contributing, leave any discussion of finances out, it is none of their business what your parents or you and FH are spending. Good luck!
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    HisGirlFriday13 said:5. DO NOT cut your friends for people your FILs would like to invite. It's one thing if your FI has a larger family AND HE KNOWS IT. But your FILs don't get to say, "Oh, you have to invite Auntie so-and-so and Uncle whatshisnuts." Your FI should sit down and draw up a list -- FROM MEMORY -- of his aunts/uncles/cousins whom HE wants to invite. NOT ones his parents think he should. Those are the people who get invites. Not every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the family. Yes yes yes. I didn't emphasize this enough earlier. If my future in-laws expected me to cut my best friends from our guest list, I would probably have to be restrained from screaming at them.
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  • @Phira - I have had to restrain myself from yelling and screaming at them - somehow those actions would not win me any brownie points with them.

    My FH and I have taken the advise of all PPs and individually started the "must have" and "would like to have" lists - we are working on them this week and over the weekend we are going to sit down and eliminate the duplicates (I'm sure there will be a bunch).

    Our next step after this that is going to be working my parents list into the mix and see where we end up for the remainder of his family to divvy up.

    I just hope I don't hear the ear piercing screams of my future in laws 2700 miles away..


    Thank you all for being constructive with your input and ideas.

  • Also, remember that not everyone in the family needs an invite. If you have never met Aunt Mildred and FI hasn't seen her since he was 4 she probably doesn't need to come to the wedding. Inviting family is fine, but if it is an obligation invite then you're OK to cut them.

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  • Stick to your guns.  It is YOUR wedding (and FI's!) NOT your FMIL's.  Dividing things by your family, FMIL, and FFIL leaves off the most important group: you & your FI.  If there's fallout from his family, ask FI to help deal with it.

    "Family" isn't only blood, it is also heart.  You should be able to look out and see your most loved people, whether those people are tied by genetics or by friendship.

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  • clg1213 said:

    Stick to your guns.  It is YOUR wedding (and FI's!) NOT your FMIL's.  Dividing things by your family, FMIL, and FFIL leaves off the most important group: you & your FI.  If there's fallout from his family, ask FI to help deal with it.

    "Family" isn't only blood, it is also heart.  You should be able to look out and see your most loved people, whether those people are tied by genetics or by friendship.

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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    clg1213 said:

    Stick to your guns.  It is YOUR wedding (and FI's!) NOT your FMIL's.  Dividing things by your family, FMIL, and FFIL leaves off the most important group: you & your FI.  If there's fallout from his family, ask FI to help deal with it.

    "Family" isn't only blood, it is also heart.  You should be able to look out and see your most loved people, whether those people are tied by genetics or by friendship.

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  • edited August 2013
  • Your parents are paying for the bulk so they get first input. Then you and FI since you're paying for some.

    I get that his family is big. It's diplomatic to do so but etiquette does not say you have to invite in circles (i.e. if you invite one cousin, you invite them all) - which I'm guessing is what's making the list so large. In other words, have FI make a list of family HE wants at the wedding - NOT a list of who his parents think you should invite. Add up your parents list, your joint personal list, FI's family list. Tweak it so that there are some slots left for his family (although you don't NEED to give them 60 or any for that matter, it's a good idea to do so since you'll be dealing with them for a long time after this). Deduct from your total number. Tell his family "here's our final guest list and here are 20 slots for you to fill. Please invite whoever you want and let us know your list of 20 people. We can't go over that due to venue restrictions."
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  • Unfortunately, no, B-listing is rude.  I'd do the following:

    Together with your FI, tell your FMIL, "No.  It is not acceptable for you, who is not contributing a penny, to tell my family how many people they can invite or who they should be."

    Then, again together with your FI, either go back and work out your guest list (having done this first would have made telling his mother no easier), figuring out who is absolutely essential, who comes next, and who you can fit in if there's room and go from there.  So your best friends would take priority over their third cousins twice removed that they talk to only on Christmas.

    Or, tell your FMIL, "We will only invite these people if you contribute financially to the cost of hosting them at $X a head."
  • @FyreFly - I completely agree - Like I said in my previous posts, my parents guest list include people I have known for my whole like and I would have wanted to include them irregardless of whos list they made it to first. I dont think that its necessary to "give" spots to parents to fill with guests of their choosing - I was caught off guard by my FMIL telling me that we each have 60 spots (ah 1/3 vs 2/3) and not taking into consideration mine and my FH's list - we were completely excluded from her thought process. Don't get me wrong I love my FMIL but it was rude to assume that I wasn't going to invite people because she wanted to invite people.

    @Jen - We are both working out our Must Haves vs Would Like to Have lists and are going over them this weekend. My parents list includes a lot of the people who would be on my list so that's an easy integration for me to do. And yes, I am telling (not asking, lol) my FH to set the rules with his mom and stepmom.

    But on a side note, I was chatting w/ my future sister in law and she warned me that her stepmom tried to invited almost 90 people to her wedding! So at least they aren't just demanding things from me. Unfortunately, my future sis in law, isn't quite as outspoken as I am and she only told her father/stepmom that they would have to pay the difference in what was planned and their additional guests...and that ain't going to fly with me - I dont want 90 extra people (on top of the 60 they want to invite already) at my wedding that i have never met. Geez!

    Honestly, is this one of the hardest parts of wedding planning? Cuz after this I feel like everything else is going to be a walk in the park.

  • Your post made me so mad that I want to yell at your FMIL. Maybe I'm just in a mood today, but your parents are paying and she thinks your FI should get 2/3 of the guest list just because her and your FFIL are divorced. That is incredible bull! If you want to be nice you can take half the guest list and give your FI half the guest list then make him work out with his own parents who they will invite that fits in that number. If your parents are paying though you don't have to do that, but it would be nice to your FI if you did.
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  • So if I'm correct, you want about 160, correct? And your parents need 60 spots? So that leaves you with 100. I would recommend you take 20 for your nearest and dearest bff's and then contact FMIL and FFIL. Let them know that they each have 40 spots. Unfortunately, that is all your venue and budget can accommodate. If they feel like they will need more spots, they can chip in the per person plate for each guest over their allotted 40.
  • So if I'm correct, you want about 160, correct? And your parents need 60 spots? So that leaves you with 100. I would recommend you take 20 for your nearest and dearest bff's and then contact FMIL and FFIL. Let them know that they each have 40 spots. Unfortunately, that is all your venue and budget can accommodate. If they feel like they will need more spots, they can chip in the per person plate for each guest over their allotted 40.

    I wouldn't even offer the chance to pay for extra because of space restrictions and if they don't give them the money, the OP and/or her parents are stuck paying for their extra. I would just tell FMIL and FFIL how many they can invite left from the 100 after you take your parents guests into account.

    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • So if I'm correct, you want about 160, correct? And your parents need 60 spots? So that leaves you with 100. I would recommend you take 20 for your nearest and dearest bff's and then contact FMIL and FFIL. Let them know that they each have 40 spots. Unfortunately, that is all your venue and budget can accommodate. If they feel like they will need more spots, they can chip in the per person plate for each guest over their allotted 40.
    How is this fair? The bride and groom get 20 friends between the two of them, and then the groom's parents get 40 people each? They get half the guestlist at a party they aren't paying for? No freaking way.
     
    It's totally not fair, but is anything "fair" in planning a wedding? When I said 20 that was really just an example. The bride could invite 50 friends if she wants, and give FI's family the remainder. But it seems like she would prefer to appease his family over inviting friends.

    OP - Our guest list break down is 50% My Family 25% His Family and 25% Our Friends. There is no science, it just worked out this way (and luckily his family is smaller).
  • So if I'm correct, you want about 160, correct? And your parents need 60 spots? So that leaves you with 100. I would recommend you take 20 for your nearest and dearest bff's and then contact FMIL and FFIL. Let them know that they each have 40 spots. Unfortunately, that is all your venue and budget can accommodate. If they feel like they will need more spots, they can chip in the per person plate for each guest over their allotted 40.
    How is this fair? The bride and groom get 20 friends between the two of them, and then the groom's parents get 40 people each? They get half the guestlist at a party they aren't paying for? No freaking way.

    I'm with Lia, that isn't fair to B&G at all. His family gets what is left over after the hosts put their lists together. I think it's appropriate to make sure and give them some spots since they have to deal with his families their whole lives, but certainly not more than the B&G get.
  • I think that since there are 100 spots after your parents guests you and your FI should get 50 for your friends and his parents get 25 each. 
    I completely disagree with this. 

    If there are 100 spots after your parents invited the people they want, you and FI fill as many as you want with the people you two want to invite. The reasoning being that your parents are paying for the bulk so they get first say (sounds like they've already communicated that, so you're good there). You two are paying for the rest so you get the remaining say. Period. 

    Whatever spots happen to be leftover after all that can go to whoever you want - it's very nice of you to give those remaining spots to any additional family FMIL wants to invite (assuming they weren't on yours/FI's list). No one is "entitled" to guest list space unless they're contributing financially. It's rude of anyone else to assume otherwise.

    All that said, I think it's a nice gesture to give them some spots so they don't feel left out (personally, I would not give them more than 20 total unless I had more leftover after FI and I had our say). If they want to invite additional people outside that, you and FI can decide if you're willing to allow them to finance hosting the additional guests. My guess is that it's not an option anyway since you've already booked a venue that has a certain capacity limit. Oh well for FMIL - if she had wanted to add people to your party, she should have offered to host them. The ship for that has already sailed and she missed the boat. Her bad - not your problem.
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  • I'm in a similar situation. My parents are paying for FI and my wedding (with no contribution from his divorced parents) and our budget is for around 100 people. FI and I wrote up our must have guest list, which was about 40 people, and both sets of parents will divide the remainder. Just because his parents are divorced in no way entitles them to have more people invited to the wedding they're not contributing to. Was it a fight (especially with my future step mother in law who wanted to invite parts of her family that neither FI nor I had met)? Absolutely. Did I cave? Hell to the no. Just stand your ground. This is your wedding. You should have the people that you care about there to celebrate with you, rather than conceding to some crazy lady (FMIL or not).
  • You have 2 choices:
    1. You make your guest list (with your fiance), and if you parents choose not to contribute to the wedding because they don't like your guest list, then you figure out how to throw the wedding on your own dime, or
    2. You allow your parents (who are financing the wedding) to make the guest list because they are hosting a party for you. Hopefully they're nice enough to allow you to include people you want to include. And you inform everyone (especially your fiance's family) that your parents are throwing the wedding, so you don't have any control over the guest list. 


    When my fiance and I made our guest lists, we separated it into family and friends for each of us. His family is 15 people, mine is 70. I had about 30 friends, he had about 35. It doesn't bother either of us. It is what it is. My family knows and loves him, too...it's not like they're going to ignore him at our wedding! 
  • in the words of my father- those who pay, get the say. If they are not paying, they don't get any guests.
  • My advice on how to plan a wedding, IN THIS ORDER

    1. Decide what your budget is
    2. Make a list of all the people you really want there
    3. Find a venue that accommodates that number within your budget

    Numbers are so arbitrary... you really need to sit down and make a list first and see what that number is, rather than pick a number then figure out how to fit your nearest and dearest into it. If someone's family is bigger than the other, who cares. You're joining families, and this will be the first of many many things in your marriage that will not be exactly even 
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  • Maybe I wasn't clear - My FH and I decided on a number prior to picking a venue - the venue we chose has a max person limit of over 160 but we are not wanting to go over that number because we have other things we think are priorities that we want to have some money to pay for.

    We (more specifically, I) was approached by my FMIL that she has divied up the guest list into thirds and allocated those spots out between three groups - my family, her family, and my FHs family. There was absolutely no mention of mine and my FHs friends in that "allocation" of invites.

    I have not agree to this "allocation" of spots - I sort of brushed it off and said, I will see how it plays out once I look at my families guest list. But I know this is going to come up again in the near future from both my FMIL and my FFIL.

    It's not that I don't want to my FHs family to the wedding, that was never the issue - its just that my FILs are assuming I am ok with having 2/3 of the wedding guests be part of their family/friends. To me it doesn't seem fair that I have to share mine and my FH's wedding day with his family and I really don't want to be surrounded by 120 people that I don't know and have never met.

    I understand we are joining families - hence why both sides are invited to the wedding - but again, why should his family be the only people there instead of allowing those people my FH and I are closest to be there?

    My parents guest list is family friends - not MY or my FHs friends - so our friends from HS and college and the 7 to 10 years are being excluded (if I use their "allocation" method) - this is why I am a bit upset.

    Even though I want to appease my FILs I dont want to have a miserable time at my own wedding. And I don't want my FILs to dislike me for any reason. I do have to deal with them for the rest of their lives.

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