he might propose?? (or it's in my head!) needing help on ring

queenofhearts1728

Hey All,

I'm a new member, but I've been an occasional stalker for a few months now.  I was hoping someone could give me opinions!  First of all, sorry for the incredibly long story you're about to read (or skim through) but I truly appreciate any opinions I may get!!!

HERE GOES:  

I've never really thought of myself as the marriage type - I've been somewhat of a commitment-phobe my whole life and never got into many relationships.  My current BF is the only person I've ever felt a connection to that made me WANT a relationship in the first place. We've been dating for roughly 4.5 years, and in the past I had mentioned I didn't want to get married (partially to the fact I've never "dreamed" of my wedding and partially to the fact that when we started dating I was VERY early 20s!!) He has never been a big fan of marriage either, mostly due to the fact we don't know many happy couples and the whole idea seems discouraging when we are surrounded with that sort of influence. 

It has only been the past year or so that I've begun thinking of marriage.  He is definitely the person I can see myself spending my life with and I would say yes in a heartbeat if he asked.  Because neither of us has been keen on the idea, we've never really spoken of it.  We have made comments when discussing other engagements/marriages, but never in the specifics of OUR relationship.  For example, if I didn't like a friend's engagement ring, we could discuss it (he would say it's too plain, etc.). I've even mentioned that I LOVE my great grandmothers wedding band - it is far too thin for my taste, but I like the engraving patterns (they look like suns) on the band rather than plain with tons of diamonds, which is what I see a lot of today. It is just something you don't see any more and the idea of having something so unique and somewhat antique is appealing to me.  

Here's where it gets tricky:  A few weeks ago he asked if I wanted a big diamond.  We joked, and of course I said I wanted something HUGE to show off not serious at all, but that is how we got on the topic of my grandmother's ring, and what I liked about it.  He used to work in a pawn shop, and has mentioned a few times that the way to get a good ring at a decent price is to buy a pawned ring for the diamond and customize the band... so I always had a (albeit somewhat materialistic opinion) that he would get a ring that way and make it somewhat more glamorous than he could afford straight from a jeweler, that is IF he ever proposed to me.  

He then mentioned a friend of his had bought these wooden rings, and he thought they were cool. While they are pretty, I just don't like them at all and I just can't see having to baby a ring so much that I could almost never wear it. (Apparently they need to be oiled regularly, taken off whenever you're doing ANYTHING that could bump into it and scratch or dent, etc.) Not only that, but looking at some pictures of sold rings, I just think they look too chunky and plain.  I told him I wasn't particularly a fan, but we didn't stay on the topic very long and moved on to something else.

The other day, I happened to peruse the website where these rings were made, just to see if perhaps there were other styles that were, in fact "cool" lol and I stumbled upon a custom order reserved for his name - now i DON'T know that it's actually his order (he has a VERY common first name and it does not list surnames) BUT i am terrified he ordered one of these rings for me.  He even mentioned yesterday that he got me something awhile ago but had forgotten about it, but that he wasn't sure about it and didn't want to tell me what it was until he could see it. Because he thinks customized rings are the way to go, I can understand why he would like the wooden rings - they are unique and cheaper than buying from a jeweler.

I absolutely want to marry him, and the ring is NOT very important to me - it is just the idea of having a commitment of spending our lives together that I really like the idea of. That being said, I still would want something that I can look at every day and be happy with.  I feel I am simply being paranoid as there's no guarantee that he actually bought me anything, let alone will propose to me. And I feel like I am being selfish for thinking he would immediately get something awesome, just because he knows a lot about jewelry.  AND I feel like I am being paranoid for absolutely no reason - maybe if I saw these wooden rings in person, I would absolutely love them? 

SOMEONE please tell me I'm just acting crazy? lol

queenofhearts1728

Thank you for your opinion!!! I think it helped a lot to just get it all out

Custom orders don't have pictures of the rings, so I truly have no idea what it looks like anyway.  But I just have this horrible fear that I would hate it and break his heart! I KNOW he would be able to create something amazing if he customized a metal ring, just based on what he's told me from his pawn shop days, and I have total faith I would love it.  The idea of wooden though just scares the bejeezus out of me! 

Teddy917

I didn't like the ring me and my husband picked together. The only reason we bought it is because it was important to him that I have a ring, it was all he could afford at the time, and he said we could get a better one later. Now I don't want another one. I love this ring! Maybe seeing it in real life will change your mind.

phira

Honestly? Maybe you need to stop dropping hints and talking about things abstractly. I know there's a cultural narrative where the engagement and ring are supposed to be surprises, but it's not a one-size-fits-all narrative.

My partner and I decided to look at rings (for each of us) together instead of throwing around hints. We were able to find/design rings for each other that are perfectly suited to our personalities and needs. I'm SO excited about my engagement ring that he had to hide it from me so I can't see it again till we get engaged.

It's probably not all that likely that the custom order on the website is for your boyfriend, given that he has a common name, and you indicated that you didn't particularly like that style of ring. Additionally, buying a ring from a pawn shop and resetting the stone is not something you can do with wood rings. It sounds to me like he's been thinking more about the former than the latter, in terms of an engagement ring.

In terms of what you can do about the situation, you're just dealing with a TON of uncertainty. It might be time to just sit down with him and discuss, plainly, that you would want to get engaged sometime soon, and what kinds of rings you like. I wouldn't mention finding the custom order because it's a little bit too ... out there, in terms of things to worry about.

For the record, we looked into metal bands with wooden in-lays for my partner's ring (not gonna lie--finding a man's engagement ring was a huge pain in the ass), and we were NOT enthusiastic about having to replace the wood every few years. So I'm with you on wooden rings.

queenofhearts1728

@Teddy917 thank you! I know there is so much sentimental value simply because it would be something he picked. I'm glad you love your ring now!! He has better taste than me on a LOT of things, so I should just trust his judgement regardless lol

@phira After having a full day to get all my crazy out, I feel pretty confident that it's NOT his order, like you mentioned. lol Simply because the turn around time is far too long for it to be something I could receive on Monday AND because it's just so unlikely.  I don't feel like I've been dropping hints because when the topic comes up its usually due to our opinions on friends weddings/engagements and we discuss how we feel about what they're doing. But perhaps that's truly what they are - I mean they are definitely a hint as to what I would prefer. but I'm not hinting at getting engaged at all, truly. It's never been my end goal for our relationship, but the longer we are together the more I can see it happening someday. I am more into the commitment factor and what marriage means than a wedding itself.  I know that I'm somewhat of a chicken when it comes to talking about getting married. Our friends have asked us repeatedly when we are going to and it is just an awkward subject for us.  We talk about weddings and marriage surprisingly a lot, just never our own.  I need to at least let him know that I'm not down for just dating someone the rest of my life lol and as far as wooden rings go - the men's metal with wood insets were the only cool rings i could find on the site but the upkeep is definitely a big SCARE factor. what kind of ring did you end up going with?