What is my new name?

CatS2013

I am struggling with the name I should take after I wed. I was married to a man for 18 yrs. who passed on. We have 1 child together who is now 15. My fiance is also a widower and has one child who is an adult. 

In my 1st marriage I hyphenated my name, "Cathy Smith-Jones*". I would love to keep my maiden name as I am proud of my birth name, and take on my fiancee's last name and be "Cathy Smith-Davis*". 

However, here are my areas of concern: 

a. My daughter still has her fathers last name, Jones. So when she has school functions she will be Janie Jones and her Mother, Cathy Davis. It really makes me feel like everyone is thinking, "oh she must be divorced" (not that I'm slamming those who are, it's just not the situation I've struggled through).

b. I have thought about hyphenating it with her last name and my new name into "Cathy Jones-Davis". That incorporates her name and mine. However, I REALLY want to leave his name behind as it still is a sad memory. And my last name is hard to pronounce, so leaving it behind would be nice.

c. Whatever I have done on my SS card is what I'd like to actually use, even though I am aware I don't have to.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

*names are artificial.

MikesAngie

Sorry for your loss, glad that you were able to find love again. 

I know a few women who kept their maiden name, and their children have their husband's name, no one thinks that the children are the product of divorce.  And those women often get called their husband's name because of the children.  So if you were to be Mrs. Davis and your daughter is Miss Jones -  you might be called Mrs. Jones when talking to her teachers. 

If you are worried about how you daughter will feel about your last name being different ask her. She's 15, it's not like she's 5 if she has no objection take your FI's last name and wear it proudly.  If it bothers her you could just change it back to your maiden name when you marry. 

It's really up to you.  Don't worry about what others may think. 

clg1213

Do you have a middle name you are attached to?  You could replace it with one of the last names and then hyphenate.  It could avoid dealing with the difficult name (I kept my first H's in part b/c it was so much easier....silly, but true...luckily FI's is just as easy) or the sadness every time you write your deceased husband's name

When I was little, my mom wrote "Mother" under her signature on school things b/c it was still a little out of the ordinary to have diff names.  I totally get wanting the tie to your daughter and the diff in widowhood vs. divorce, but I don't think most people give too much thought to diff names anymore.  As the PP says, plenty of times it is a married woman who didn't take her husband's name but did have the child take it. 

Pick for you, not for the appearance

 

southernbelle0915

Deciding on your last name is an extremely personal choice. It sounds to me like you know what you want to do (hyphenate to Smith-Davis), but your concerns are people thinking you're divorced and not having the same name as your kids. 

I wouldn't worry about people thinking you're divorced. Obviously you have kids and you're getting married. No matter what your last name is, people will think what they want. Who cares? As for keeping the same last name as your kids, families are so diverse these days, that's not something I'd worry about either. I'm keeping my maiden name. Who knows what we'll decide for future children - if it's his last name, oh well. Do what you want - it's a personal choice and yours alone to make.

handfast4me

I never changed my name, for this marriage or my last one (also of 18 years).  My daughter, from my first marriage, had hers hyphenated with her dad's and mine, and now that she's married, she changed her name to her husband's, but moved my last name to her middle name. 

All that to say that everyone uses different last names.  My husband and I work for the same company.  Granted, there are 10,000 employees, but each of us are pretty well known.  We don't care if people know we're married or not, it's just the professionally each of us had an established identity and brand, a name recognition.  To change either of our last names would be silly at our age, and given how hard we've worked to establish a reputation. 

Also, do you REALLY think others care?  I do not insist folks do NOT call me Mrs.HISLASTNAME, and mostly, DH intros me as "and this is my wife, Handfast4me Mylastname."  And then everyone addresses me by my first name.  Because I worked at our company before he did, and I have more contact with others, sometimes people refer to him as Mr. Mylastname, and he doesn't care, either.   I think you might have a hangup with divorce, and you probably need to address that, whether your widowed or not, because others will pick up on it, as have I. 

erinr26

I was never married to my daughter's father and she has his last name.  When she was younger I would occasionally get called Mrs. HerLastName, but not so much anymore.  I think people are getting more used to children having a different last name from their mother and actually paying attention to the name you write down on any forms you fill out (e.g. at the doctor's office or school).  As PP have said go with what feels right for you and don't worry about what people will think.

Lisa50

handfast4me said: I never changed my name, for this marriage or my last one (also of 18 years).  My daughter, from my first marriage, had hers hyphenated with her dad's and mine, and now that she's married, she changed her name to her husband's, but moved my last name to her middle name.  All that to say that everyone uses different last names.  My husband and I work for the same company.  Granted, there are 10,000 employees, but each of us are pretty well known.  We don't care if people know we're married or not, it's just the professionally each of us had an established identity and brand, a name recognition.  To change either of our last names would be silly at our age, and given how hard we've worked to establish a reputation.  Also, do you REALLY think others care?  I do not insist folks do NOT call me Mrs.HISLASTNAME, and mostly, DH intros me as "and this is my wife, Handfast4me Mylastname."  And then everyone addresses me by my first name.  Because I worked at our company before he did, and I have more contact with others, sometimes people refer to him as Mr. Mylastname, and he doesn't care, either.   I think you might have a hangup with divorce, and you probably need to address that, whether your widowed or not, because others will pick up on it, as have I.  Yup.  What she said ... about the name change and your perspective toward divorce.

msgrinn

It doesn't matter if you and your daughter have different last names after the wedding, the most important is that she accepts your 2nd wedding and will be happy for your new found love. She's still your daughter anyway and no name can change it.