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Drama with Sister-In-Law

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Re: Drama with Sister-In-Law

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    rgilman91 said:
    Apparently I wasn't clear. I apologize. 
    To clarify: 
    I never said anything about being a BM to her. I just explained my logic here so you guys would know where I'm coming from. She asked to be involved in the wedding, so I gave her something to do where she can use her talents. Also, she is family. I do not see anything wrong with asking a family member who wants to be involved in the wedding to do something. Like I said before, she could have declined by saying something like "I would rather enjoy the wedding just as a guest.." and I would have understood.

    You probably would have avoided all the advice/thoughts you didn't want to hear had you explained it like this from the get-go. We all chimed in on why (we thought) she could be upset because if someone was lurking and had a similar problem or question the mess could be avoided in their situation. And so you could see her side and maybe get a better understanding and that in turn could change how you approach her in the future.

    But, since all that's a moot point now, I'd just let them be. If you have to ask for an apology it won't be a sincere one. She flew off the handle for apparently no good reason. Would any other family members or mutual friends know what could be going on? Don't send them a STD, just in case, and they're not necessary anyway. Hopefully she'll chill out and things can be hashed out then. I'd get a back up make up and hair person in the meantime though.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

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    I don't think there's anything you can really do at this point, in terms of things you can do to fix the situation.

    Forget about the whole asking her to do hair and make-up for a second. She told your mother that she and your brother wouldn't come to the wedding (a year out!), and then told you all that incredibly hurtful stuff. Wow.

    I would try to stay calm when you have to be around her and your brother (I wonder how complicit he is in this!). Clearly, find someone else for hair and make-up. I would still send an invite (assuming she doesn't say/do anything else blatantly hurtful) when it's time to do so.

    If she tries to explain her reasons to you again, or if she approaches you with more hurtful stuff, tell her that you don't want to discuss it with her, and then walk away.
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    I wouldn't ask for an apology. Like PP's have said, either it'll be a fake apology because they want to keep the peace as well, or they'll tell you to bugger off. I don't think she just came up with that many random reasons why she doesn't support your marriage, it feels like she's been sitting on it for a while and just wanted an excuse to unload it all on you. 

    However, I think if she comes to you on her own and wants to apologize, I would hear her out, since you don't desire to create a rift. If the apology is acceptable to her, then accept it and move on. If not, maybe she needs to hear why it hurt you so much, and maybe you need to explain that you had no intention of insulting her with your request that she do hair/make up for the wedding; after all, she's the one who WANTED to be involved some way other than being a BM (from what you've said anyway). 

    I still say send an invite, since you really seem like you don't want any more drama. If she really is so against your marriage, then they probably won't show up anyway, which just makes them look like hateful people who hold a grudge over nothing. Don't put yourself in the position of looking like the bad guy, they can dig their own grave. 
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    Can you speak directly with your brother? Maybe if you speak one on one with him he can explain what the real issue is. But as PPs' have pointed out, it's likely you offended FSIL by asking her to do the make-up. I know you don't see it like that, but that's probably what happened. Down the line, are you going to want to have a permanent rift in your relationship over what seems like a misunderstanding? If you can't speak with your brother I would send the STD with an extra note on it along the lines of "I truly hope you'll be able to attend our wedding, we would love to have you share in this day with us."
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    That makes sense. I understand now. 
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    @rgilman91 and @bethsmiles. Gilman needs to apologize to her sister-in-law for the demeaning request to have her do her hair and makeup. That is advice you can use going forward.
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    @rgilman91 and @bethsmiles. Gilman needs to apologize to her sister-in-law for the demeaning request to have her do her hair and makeup. That is advice you can use going forward.
    I know in my family, I have some members that would be hurt if I DIDN'T try and include them in some way to help with the wedding. I would, of course, offer to pay them for any services they provided. I don't think that OP did anything wrong by asking her to participate in her big day. I know I would be honored if my FSIL asked me to do her makeup for her wedding. But that's just my circle..
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    @rgilman91 and @bethsmiles. Gilman needs to apologize to her sister-in-law for the demeaning request to have her do her hair and makeup. That is advice you can use going forward.
    I don't think you understand the meaning of the demeaning. I'll give you impolite or rude from your perspective but not demeaning.


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    @rgilman91 and @bethsmiles. Gilman needs to apologize to her sister-in-law for the demeaning request to have her do her hair and makeup. That is advice you can use going forward.
    Um ... I asked my friend to be our photographer. Was that rude and demeaning?

    The OP has already clarified that she did NOT actually TELL her sister-in-law that she was asking her to do hair and make-up instead of being a bridesmaid. That's info she gave us but not her sister-in-law.

    Her sister-in-law is an adult and could have said no. It's not rude to ask people for help--it's rude to expect help and to demand their help.
    Anniversary
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    rgilman91 said:


    I'm not sure what to do about this. I really do not want her to be involved with any wedding stuff now. My F doesn't want to invite them until we get an apology from them. My parents agree with him. But I don't want to be spiteful...she is family, after-all. 
    Help!
    Can you explain this comment? So because they're family it's okay for them to treat you like shit, and because they're family you have to do your doormat impersonation and just take it? Why does shared DNA make it acceptable to be a shitty person? Based on what you've written, if anybody is potentially causing a family rift here, I'd say it's them, not you.
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    I think you don't know when one is rude, @bethsmiles. Gilman demeaned her SIL when she essentially demoted her from guest (which is an honor) to vendor.
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    Based n how crazy SIL is sounding now, I'm guessing maybe when she asked if she could "help in any way" she was fishing for a BM invite.  When you gave her something else to do, she agreed because she was taken aback, and now she's unloading on you because she's upset about it.  Is it childish and immature?  Yes.  But I highly doubt she's suddenly unloading on you now for no reason.

     

    Previous posters are right though...with this behavior, she probably also would have been insulted if you DIDN'T ask her to do your hair and makeup.  Seems like a no-win situation to me.

     

    My planner did suggest that you not ask people to act in a vendor capacity unless they wouldn't have made the guest list anyway - and that in that case you pay them as vendors.  For example, my college roommate is a wedding photographer, and she is doing my wedding.  We lost touch after college (8 years ago), so she wouldn't have made the invite list, but I trust her and i wanted vendors i could trust.  I'm paying her as a vendor (she did give me a friends & family discount) and she has a contract in place just like every other vendor.  No one wants to be given a job to do at a wedding where they thought they could enjoy the day like every other guest.  At least the "job" of a BM involves pampering and champagne.  If someone asked me to do my day job at a wedding i had been invited to, i wouldn't be too excited, no matter how much i loved my day job.

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    I'm also with @bethsmiles, in that asking a family or friend to do your hair and makeup when that is their profession, isn't inherently rude.  It is all in how one asks.

    The SIL can be a guest AND do the hair and makeup if she wanted to.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    delujm0 said:

    My planner did suggest that you not ask people to act in a vendor capacity unless they wouldn't have made the guest list anyway - and that in that case you pay them as vendors.  For example, my college roommate is a wedding photographer, and she is doing my wedding.  We lost touch after college (8 years ago), so she wouldn't have made the invite list, but I trust her and i wanted vendors i could trust.  I'm paying her as a vendor (she did give me a friends & family discount) and she has a contract in place just like every other vendor.  No one wants to be given a job to do at a wedding where they thought they could enjoy the day like every other guest.  At least the "job" of a BM involves pampering and champagne.  If someone asked me to do my day job at a wedding i had been invited to, i wouldn't be too excited, no matter how much i loved my day job.

    I think this is a great point, especially since photographers, unlike hair and make-up stylists, can't be regular guests at the wedding.

    We are asking a friend of mine from grad school to be our photographer. Contrary to your advice, we DID plan on inviting her as a guest. However, when we approached her about it, we made it 100% clear: she could decline for whatever reason and just come as a guest; and that if being the photographer was going to ruin our wedding for her, then we'd rather she come as a guest.

    Being up-front and honest, as well as understanding, makes it easier for people to say, "No" to being a "friendor." Or at least give them a lot more time to think about it, and a way for them to back out without hurting feelings.
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    I think you don't know when one is rude, @bethsmiles. Gilman demeaned her SIL when she essentially demoted her from guest (which is an honor) to vendor.
    You have your opinion and I have mine. If someone is offended or feels demeaned because they were asked a favor then they are way to sensitive.

    Personally, I would never ask family to participate in my wedding that way anyway because I'd prefer to pay people for their services and keep family and business separate.


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